Saturday, January 21, 2006

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

How many kids send letters home from college that are entertaining enough to share? My daughter Annie (who you six regular readers have met) is a sophomore at Northwestern and I live for those days I receive emails with the subject heading “Another Annie Rant”. Here’s a recent one. I can’t figure out where she gets this attitude.

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Today’s Rant: Whole Foods

I must admit that I’m not sure what I hate more: the institution of Whole Foods itself or the religious Whole Foods shoppers. Thus I feel it necessary to examine each.

Despite the fact that I single-handedly keep “Splenda” in business, I am in no way opposed to organic, natural products. What I am opposed to is (a) the idea that everything at whole foods is in some way healthier, and (b) charging an arm and a leg because they’ve written eight lines of BS about all the oh-so-healthy things in their products. This stuff isn’t that damn good for you! I understand that there are no preservatives in pure sugar, but it is still sugar! I could drink a bag of all natural sugar-cane, and I’d still develop diabetes. Oooooh, its oh-so natural. Well I got news for you Whole Foods, I’ll take a couple preservatives if it means that I’ll still have enough money to buy groceries in two weeks.

And there are the idiots, the former hippies. The ones who pick up a $20 loaf of bread because it has fibers from the Hicabutusism tree in West Africa, where little magical all-natural fairies plow the soil until the perfect grain is achieved. Get a grip, people. Wonderbread has little magical fairies too, they’re call sweat-shop workers!

Plus, there are the people who will subscribe to anything with “free” written somewhere on the package, and by that I’m obviously not referring to the price. Gluton-free, Carb-free, Nutrion-free. Didn’t Billy Preston teach you that “nothing from nothing leaves nothing?” I believe that these “free” packages should really mention what is going into the product so that you can lose a little bit of Extiohydrosis, or whatever the hell they come up with. If it were up to me, the labels would read a little more like this: “Organic, wheat-free, TONS OF FAT” Though I think that beating the delusional shoppers over the head with the item itself might be a better option.

And for hippies, these people are pretty aggressive with their carts. Knocking people off at the pass to make sure they get their “extra squishy tofu” and their Extihydrosis-free crackers. Weren’t you people fighting against capitalism or was that just a figment of my imagination?

Annie

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh,Annie...
I know of the Evanston Whole Foods. If only it wasn't the only grocery store within walking distance to NU. Keep your sanity-winter will end there in May.

shecanfilmit said...

I totally agree with your daughter. I've made posts about Whole Foods before. The former hippies in San Francisco are particularly aggressive in this city. (Not just in Whole Foods, everywhere.) I go to the ghetto Safeway on Fillmore street and never have an issue with people pushing their cart in front of me or "grazing" out of the salad bar. At Wholes Foods, I once saw a thin runner-type pouring salad dressing in a cup and drinking it on the spot. I wanted to should, "It still has calories even if you're not paying for it!"

End of rant. Your daughter is wonderfully astute.

Anonymous said...

I love this woman.

I used to shop at the Whole Foods in Berkeley, and the ex-hippies (everyone in Berkeley, by definition, is an ex-hippy) just PUSH your ass out of the way, trying to get to the damn food.

Good thing the best damn ribs in the whole Bay area are at Everett and Jones, just a few miles away in Oakland, and not a goddamn thing organic or non-fatting about them. Pure yummy goodness.

Annie - next time we're both in the Bay area, the ribs are on me.

Jesse Wendel
Seattle

af said...

Not to mention the horrible customer service at Whole Foods.

Well played, Annie. By the way, I had no idea there were so many marauding ex-hippies.

David Bishop said...

Absolutely agree with Annie. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's the Wholier Than Thou.

Frank Strovel III said...

I'm impressed she knows Billy Preston's "Nothing From Nothing"...

Constance Reader said...

I just visited the new Austin SupergigantoMegaCorporate HQ Whole Foods -- known to locals as "the godforsaken eyesore at Lamar and 6th that nobody wanted" -- yesterday, for the first time (although, I want to make clear, not for shopping purposes). I swear this thing is an organic Big Box, it even has an ice rink on the roof.

Here in Austin, it's not the hippies that are keeping this juggernaut in business. We all agree that it is pretentious, obnoxious and criminally overpriced. We have plenty of alternatives in Austin such as Central Market, Wheatsville Co-op, Fresh Plus, Farm to Market, the weekly farmer's market downtown, local producers and many more. The weekly newspaper The Austin Chronicle actually did a price comparison between Central Market, Wheatsville and Whole Foods -- guess which store came out worse on all products?

But there are many highly paid yuppies around town who want to be socially and environmentally conscious and are willing to spend much money to do it, if the tradeoff is not spending much time or effort or sacrificing highbrow cred. This Whole Foods is perfectly sized, stocked and located to achieve this trifecta.

So to your Annie I say "Bully for you -- you figured out the scam!" That's one smart daughter you have there, Mr. Levine.

Double Dogged said...

Thank goodness Annie thinks like I do. They are selling items with high prices because of gilt. The hell with it. I will just give up Ice Cream and get thin again. Oh yeah, they have light Ice Cream, Not Fat Ice Cream, Eat me I am good for you Ice Cream. I rather eat the good stuff it doesn't taste like styro foam.

AdicaRoy said...

I would totally be friends with your daughter.

http://blog.myspace.com/adicaroy

Juancho said...

Ken, is Annie single? I'm 26, college-educated, trying to write...a Goyim, granted, but...

Just kidding.

I suffer from a similar problem with Trader Joe's. Yeah, like EVERYTHING there is so cheap. It can't all be two-buck chuck...

Howard Hoffman said...

And Vons! Who are they kidding with that President's Choice brand? Does Bush really eat those raspberry dollop butter cookies? I THINK NOT!

But I digress...

sanjay said...

...and why do many of the "farmers" at the farmer's market look like they walked off the cover of an LL Bean catalog? they're spending their federal subsidy on fleece pullovers?

Julie O. said...

Snerk! Apple doesn't fall far, eh?

Ralphie said...

I mean, hey, what's the deal with Ralphs "Private Selection," anyway? If it's so private, how come it's sitting right there on the shelf in front of me? If it's such a selection, why are there so many friggin' jars of it? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? I mean, hey!