Sunday, January 01, 2006

New Tears Rockin' Eve

I gasped. I just gasped. I bet you did too. Wasn’t it sad and horrifying to see Dick Clark? I sure give him credit for gamely pushing forward, he’s the ultimate pro, but it was heartbreaking nonetheless. And sure hard to celebrate after that.

It reminded me of Ali lighting the torch at the Olympics.

America thanks you for so many years of ringing in the new year for us, standing out in the freezing cold, and reassuring us that everything was going to be okay. We wish you the best for a speedy and complete recovery.

Other Rockin’ Eve thoughts:

What was bigger, the ball in Times Square or one of Mariah Carey’s breasts? Jesus. She went for the complete va-va-voom, Russ Meyer, supersize, jumbo, hungry man, DDD+, Diamond Jim, Jayne Mansfield, I-can’t-see-my-feet tits. I was watching on HD and could swear I saw the surgery scar.

I was also quite surprised by how chunky Ms Carey has gotten. Instead of wearing that formal Peter Pan dress which showed off legs that could have been a linebacker’s, a tasteful long gown and parka might’ve been a better fashion call.

And Mariah – never speak. It’s a shame that Dick Clark can’t talk but you can.

Ryan Seacrest darkened his eyebrows thus dispelling any rumors that he’s gay.

Meanwhile, on Fox, there was Regis Philbin interviewing Lou Holtz on his bowl game predictions. That’s the Fox attitude? I wonder if anyone who watches Fox knows who Regis Philbin even is, much less Lou Holtz.

NBC had Carson Daly. Why?

ABC said Mariah Carey had the number one hit of the year. NBC said their guest Mary J. Blige had the number one hit of the year. Fox said Notre Dame should beat Ohio State.

Judging by the promos, all the networks are carting out their single guy/girl dating SEX IN THE CITY ripoff comedies this January. JAKE IN PROGRESS. LOVE MONKEY. EMILY SAYS WHY NOT? JENNA SAYS CAUSE I SAID SO.

Talk about vamping. By 12:15 all three networks were interviewing sanitation workers on clean up schedules.

Once again, happy New Year. And welcome back, Dick Clark. Hopefully by next year you’ll be all the way back.

8 comments:

Joshua said...

"And Mariah – never speak. It’s a shame that Dick Clark can’t talk but you can."

Oooh boy . . . Ken, this was the first really funny thing I've read this year - I'm still gasping . . . lol!

Happy new year, bro . . .

rogercarroll said...

Ken, it was very sad to see and hear Dick.
Come on Ken..... you don't darken your eye brows????? roger carroll

Frank Strovel III said...

Christ, it all makes you long for Guy Lombardo again.

Frank Strovel III said...

I forgot to mention.... Seascrest called Dick Clark, Dick CAREY at one point. And you obviously missed Anderson Cooper on CNN getting flustered at the drag queens who were making lusty comments about him during a live report from Key West.

ScriptWeaver said...

And did you see Susannah Hoffs of the Bangles? She still looks 25!

IMDB.com listed her as...

... ready for this?

47 this month!

Bryan Simmons said...

Oh my, this year's "Rockin' Eve" was hard to watch. I cringed when Dick spoke. It's really sad. I felt the same way about Kirk Douglas. You're right about Mariah too. My thoughts exactly, but you're funnier of course!
Happy 2006 Ken!

trevor said...

Dick Clark should've limited himself to a quick "I wanted to be here even though I'm not 100%" and then exited after a few minutes. It really became like watching a train wreck... and it made me ring in the new year feeling guilty about staring slack-jawed at him.

Which also brings the point... Is Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve the best we can do for New Years programming??? Nevermind the whole tape delay for the west coast thing, but I honestly wanted to shoot the TV every time they cut to "Hollywood" for a lip-synched musical performance CLEARLY shot weeks earlier. Can't we invent a new New Years Eve show format??? WHO LIKES THIS CRAP?!?!

Silly Old Bear said...

I was very glad that we DON'T have HD when Mariah was on.

One of the news people (CNN?) said that Dick was on for a grand total of 8 minutes. I agree, he should have had a cameo and then gone and watched the fun with the Mayor or something.

The Disney connection - doesn't Disney own the network? And didn't it sound more than a little like the Travel Channel? "You've just got to experience this for yourself! All the confetti! The crowds!"

Tivo makes the whole thing almost workable, as you can fast forward through it and then just watch the bits that look funny.