Friday, January 13, 2006

Your guide to 24

For everybody who says “I hear 24 is great but I don’t want to join it in the middle” Sunday night is your chance to start fresh with a whole new day and season.

And if you’re not familiar with the characters, let me quickly get you up to speed.

JACK BAUER (Keifer Sutherland) – Has personally saved the world from nuclear war, a killer virus, deadly terrorist attacks, the destruction of Los Angeles, and a presidential assassination yet has not received so much as a holiday ham from this grateful nation. Now presumed dead he’s living in Mexico under an assumed alias (Rafael Palmiero). Never shown was the most grueling and harrowing 24 hour adventure he has ever had to endure -- the one that occurred after he drank a glass of unfiltered water.

CHLOE -- CTU agent, computer whiz, and my favorite character on television even though I often want to slap her. Could not be more snotty, could not have worse people skills. She’s the template for every US postal employee.

TONY -- CTU agent who fell in love with fellow agent MICHELLE, went to prison for saving her life and then forgot to send her a card for their anniversary or something so she divorced him. They’re now back together. I’m not sure if they’re returning this year. They may go straight to JUDGE JUDY.

NINA, GEORGE, SHERRY, TERI – dead so don’t worry about them.

EDGAR – CTU computer nerd. Overweight although he seems to go 24 hour periods without eating. His mother was contaminated by radiation and had only a few hours to live but he had to get off the phone for “an emergency”.

AUDREY – Jack’s weepy sometimes girlfriend. Issues in the relationship: Jack’s torturing people, Jack letting her ex-husband die, Jack leaving the toilet seat up.

KIMBERLY – Jack’s annoying daughter. Been kidnapped so many times she now brings her own rope and gag. Can not ride in a car unless she’s in the trunk.

DAVID PALMER – Former President of the United States now selling Allstate Insurance.

Let the shootings, explosions, mayhem, suspense, and uninterrupted cellphone service no matter where Jack is begin!!

9 comments:

CharlieDontSurf said...

You forgot CHASE- Former CTU agent who is now Kim's husband. As a wedding gift Jack removed a deadly chemical explosive from his arm...by chopping off his hand with an ax.

Shawn Bowers said...

Ah, but Chase won't be back this season. I like how this show now has such a large stockpile of old characters that they can weave in and out. Maybe I just have a soft spot for huge casts...but I'm sure it helps when you have to create a day full of nonstop action to have a bunch of faces to choose from.

Bill Cunningham said...

I like how they're structuring this season opener with an episode on sunday and one on monday.

Can't wait for Prison break to start back up as well...

mstarr said...

Jack's going to have to break Michael Scofield out of prison in order to blah, blah, blah...

Go write that.

Anonymous said...

But what of Beruz -- the terrorist's son from last season who beat his would-beat assassin to death with a shovel, WHILE the assassin was trying to explain who hired him, how sorry he was, and how he wished we could all renounce terror and assassinations (and shovels) and just get along.

It was the longest and funniest beating-to-death I have ever seen on film -- a long soliloguy/mercy-plea punctuated every couple of seconds by the P-TANG! of a shovel to the head.

Robert Burke Richardson said...

I have now seen the season 5 premier episodes. They were the best EVAR!!!!

Seriously grand.

Lloyd Thaxton said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lloyd Thaxton said...

said...

Love this show. Can't stand to wait between episodes so we watch four at a time on Netflix DVDs. We've not missed one show since season one. Problem: Now that we have watched all four seasons, we now have to wait a YEAR to see season five.

We'll wait.

Again: best show on TV. Better than most feature films.

mitsugomi said...

That settles it: I'm writing a spec script about the time the President gave Jack Bauer a thank-you ham.