I was on AMERICAN IDOL

Yes, I can now say I was on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay for four nanoseconds in a crowd shot but clearly I had the “Wow” factor during those four nanoseconds.

The show is actually done at CBS Television City. So is THE PRICE IS RIGHT and it must be strange for the pages to seat audience members who didn’t have oxygen tanks.

All cellphones and pagers are confiscated at the door. You only get them back if you promise not to vote for Sanjaya.

Once seated, pages come around with paper caps making us spit out our gum. Fifty people chew with their mouths open and it ruins it for the rest of us.

I was right! The cast from DRIVE was there. And maybe Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter. It sorta looked like her but they sat her way in the back behind the teleprompter. How the mighty have fallen when Sanjaya’s sister gets a better seat.

We were sitting right behind Sanjaya’s sister. In person she’s very hot… and still looks more masculine than him.

Wisely, there are no monitors. The audience has to watch the show not themselves. That was fine for everyone but the cast of DRIVE.

First off, a warm-up guy who looks like Lou Costello in a bowling shirt comes out and whips the audience into an absolute frenzy by giving away one T-shirt. Judging by this group, the only item that would have excited them more was a Scooter Pie.

The theme was Latin night… I think. It is so LOUD in there. Either Latin or Manhattan. You have no sense of the singers’ vocals. But there is an energy being there that more than makes up for it. I hear the same is true on THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Jennifer Lopez giving singing tips is like Eddie Griffith giving driving tips.

But at least she didn’t mentor the girls on how to choose a boyfriend.

I talked my wife out of bringing a banner that read: “HEY JEWS! YOU CAN NOW EAT BREAD AGAIN!!”

You can’t help but be impressed by how polished the show’s production is. Clearly these folks have it down.

And Ryan Seacrest makes it look easy. Fifty years from now he’ll be hosting THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Despite what Simon said, I liked Melinda Doolittle’s rendition of “Sway”. She was very Ella.

Staff members on the show say Melinda is the most supportive of all the other contestants. I’m not surprised.

LaKisha Jones looked like a 64 ounce bottle of Coke in that red and black dress. And dancing was not a terrific idea. Whenever she moved in one direction there were always parts of her that moved in at least three other different directions.

It was hard to hear Randy but so what? He says the same thing every time.

It was also hard to hear Ryan asking LaKisha that viewer question. When she mentioned her daughter, Brionne, I thought she said “Frionne” and wondered why she’d name her child after an anti-freeze.

Chris Richardson sounded MUCH better live than on TV. But Paula was up dancing and twirling and doing everything but putting him in a sack and taking him home.

How fitting that Haley would do “Turn the Beat Around” by Andrea True, a former porn star. Best part of her performance: She got up on that audience ramp and I was eye level with her crotch. I almost threw her a dollar.

Idol fact: Director Bruce Gowers also directed Queen’s famous “Bohemian Rhapsody” video.

When J-Lo said Phil Stacey gave her goose bumps I think she spoke for all of us in the audience as well. At one point in his song he got off the stool and stepped downstage. As if by reflex, everyone backed up a step. If our phones weren’t confiscated at least ten kids would’ve called their mommy to come pick them up.

When Blake Lewis sings, all you have to do is look around at the girls in the audience to see he’s a top three finalist. They all have that Paula Abdul drool.

Simon is smooth. During a break a blonde in a brown top asked him what he thought was the sexiest thing in a woman? He said, “A blonde in a brown top.” I’m sure Paula thought he was talking about her, not realizing that she isn’t a blonde.

I thought Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night. Her joy is just infectious. I applaud her for not having castanets just as I applaud LaKisha for not wearing a Carmen Miranda hat.

When Ryan introduced Sanjaya I was right behind him on camera and was all ready to cry and everything but at the last second got blocked out by a Sanjaya sign.

Sanjaya should have been wearing a Carmen Miranda hat. I don’t think he’s washed his hair since Brian Dunkleman left the show.

But he was not the worst of the night. And for that fact alone, my wife and I can say we were at the most memorable AMERICAN IDOL show of the year. They’ll be talking about it all summer.

Thanks to M & P for getting us in.

After the show I went in search of the page to get my gum back.