Wednesday, May 02, 2007

AMERICAN IDOL results show and pimp parade

This is a typical AMERICAN IDOL results show:

Give to our charity!
Enter the song writing contest!
Buy our itunes!
Check out our website!
Watch our Ford commercials again!
Enter our Challenge contest!
Download our videos!
Buy tickets to our tour!
Enroll in our camp!
Get our Season 6 CD!
Drink Coca Cola!
Visit the Idol store!
Watch us next week!

And along the way… watch more footage from Africa, suffer through “highlights” of last week’s interminable results show, endure Ryan Seacrest’s Neanderthal-on-the-street interviews at Farmer’s Market, wade through highlights of the previous night’s show, mist up over sappy loser journey videos (Oh, that precious moment when they were once in the same room as Bono), and sit through Randy and Paula answering simple questions and setting American literacy back ten years.

The AMERICAN IDOLS Results show is the only program where you fast forward through the show and watch the commercials.

But this week two contestants were sent home so the actual entertainment portion of the one hour show was doubled to four minutes. It also meant Ryan wasn’t able to plug the exciting new AMERICAN IDOL WAR ON TERRORISM that will begin right after the summer tour and just before Sanjaya replaces Rosie O’Donnell on THE VIEW.

At least this week they brought back Antonella and not Bush. And they dispensed with the horrible group singing number that always sounded like the finale of the Country Bear Jamboree stage show at Disneyland.

Musical acts included the completely random Robin Thicke (whose voice was so high garage doors all over America were going up) and Bon Jovi who surprise, surprise – got to plug his latest tour.

Very little suspense with Chris and Phil being voted off. Both seemed to know it and handled their dismissals with class and humility. If Phil had Bon Jovi’s hair he’d be a finalist. Chris was dressed in fatigue green so he’s ready to hunt down terrorists as AMERICAN IDOL doesn’t just GIVE BACK they also TAKE BACK!

Now we’re down to four. Melinda, Jordin, LaKisha, and Blake. Anything can happen although 99% of the time on Wednesday nights nothing happens.


jd said...

You are pointing out the obvious - the show sucks extremely hard. It's just sad that you have to waste your time commenting on it just to get hits on your blog (which, btw, why do you even care about hits - there seems to be no advertising here). Stop damaging your IQ by watching and writing about this pathetic freak show. You can do a lot better.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

So, jd, who do you think has a chance at winning this season? ;)

Anonymous said...

I, for one, am eternally grateful to Ken for watching this show. He does it so I don't have to. He is a sho' nuff trooper!


MaryAn Batchellor said...

The group song always sounds to me like it was stolen from Meatballs -- "are you ready for the summer?" which was stolen by "are you smarter than a fifth grader?"

Ethan said...

Nice to see that we're down to the final 4 that I predicted when they were down to the final 10. I say the Final will be Mindy Doo and Jordin, despite this most recent hiccup. LaKisha will go next, then Blake.

Mark your calendars.

(And I second Nikki's comment.)

Anonymous said...

Ken, once a week was bad enough. Now it seems like you're plugging this show every other day. Please leave it to 14-year-old girls to deconstruct this show every freakin' time it's on. You're way too smart and write way too well to waste time on this. Watch it if you enjoy the crapfest, but don't let it pollute your blog so much. Throw up excerpts from Cheers or MASH scripts if you don't have time to post anything else.

45 is the new 30 said...

With the ratings that AI routinely pulls in, I'd say that a fair portion of the audience would be deemed "too smart" to get pulled into the mire ... but they are anyway.

Geesh, naysayers ... it's Ken's blog. KEN'S. He can write about the lint on his pants if he wants to. (And I'm sure it would be the most erudite and entertaining "lint on pants" post EVAH!) Respectful suggestion here: Just don't read on post-AI days if it bugs you that much. I'd hate to have your blood pressure rise to dangerous levels ... not to mention the risk of your IQ dropping some obviously critical points if you happen to mistakenly read the AI-related posts. Oy. The humanity!

Ken, add me to the list of regular readers who greatly enjoy your AI commentary; I don't watch the show either, but between your blog and TWOP's recaps I don't have to! I hope you won't let a few vocal complainers dissuade you from continuing to post your take.

The Minstrel Boy said...

haven't watched yet, but jordin is from a couple towns over, is 17, so i might just vote a few dozen times.

ken, as an old jingle whore i am shocked, shocked, to see the depth of your cynicism. after all, shows are merely the trucks which deliver the real message of any show, buy - - - - - -

Anonymous said...

I just started reading Ken's blog recently, on the recommendation of my best friend.The blog on this Tuesday's show made me laugh so hard I cried, and I was at work at the time. Co-workers thought I was having some kind of an attack.
Ken is aces as far as I'm concerned.His writing for TV hasn't been too shabby,either.
Thanks, Ken!

Ian said...

Sheesh -

Ken (as though you needed me or anyone else to tell you this), you go ahead and write about anything you want. Those who have a problem with the topics you choose can go elsewhere. I know I want to retch every time I turn on the tube and see another story about Anna Nicole's frikkin' baby, but guess what? I change the channel.

Emily Blake said...

I saw Time Magazine's recent poll on the top 100 most influencial people in the world.

I swear to God, when last I looked Sanjaya was number 8.

WTF is that about?

The Curmudgeon said...

I've never seen American Idol, and never plan on seeing it either. Your summaries provide more than enough for me... but, if you take jd's advice and stop damaging your brain cells for the sake of art/blogging, I'll still read you every day. Promise.

And I think you may have hit on something here: Sanjaya to replace Rosie O’Donnell on THE VIEW. That's another show I've never watched... except when I've been forced to while held hostage in a doctor's waiting room... but I think someone should pitch Barbara Walters on this forthwith.

Mary Stella said...

Even if AI is officially declared "The Worst Show Ever Aired" (and that's a long way from true), your blog commentaries would still be funny and worth reading. That's the point. A great humor writer could make us laugh over toe jam.

Keep on, Ken. Please!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure I'm not the only one who fast-forwards through the Super Bowl, pausing for the commercials.

Anonymous said...

I watch AI just so Ken's blog will be even funnier for me. Please keep it up!

Robyn Weisman said...

Obviously, I am not the only human being who was scarred by seeing multiple performances of the Country Bear Jamboree.

When I go senile, I am guessing it will be one of the last things I will remember, along with the TV movie BORN INNOCENT (that should never been accessible to an eight-year-old).

Anonymous said...

Hi, I've been reading your blog for a few months now, and really enjoy it. I watch American Idol, and I like reading what you have to say about the show every week. It's always entertaining, and I like to see if my thoughts about the show line up with yours. Thanks for writing such a cool blog!

Anonymous said...

I Never been a big fan of American Idol show but as today i watch a episode promo on you tube, It made me crazy to download American Idol all episodes.