Tuesday, May 01, 2007


Despite the fact that Jon Bon Jovi has sold 120,000,000 albums, Simon Cowell apparently was unfamiliar with him. So were a number of the contestants. And that’s all you have to know about ROCK N’ ROLL – AMERICAN IDOL style. It might as well have been Klezmer night.

I’m sure Simon longed for the days when REAL rock stars like Peter Noone and Barry Manilow served as the guest mentors.

For his part, I thought Jon Bon Jovi gave the best advice all season, even better than Diana Ross advising the kids to start getting face work done now.

So last week’s Cheeseathon brought in $70 million between donations and corporate sponsors. I’m thrilled that number was so high, but of the $70 mil only $5 was from News Corp. What a magnanimous gesture. Especially since News Corp. probably made another $40 million selling advertising for the two nights.

Great seeing Antonella Barba and George Bush on the same show.

The program Mr. Bush really should appear on is SO YOU THINK YOU’RE SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER?

Phil Stacey looks enough like Frankenstein without having that microphone cord wrap around the back of his head. Randy thought he gave his best performance. Paula was just excited she didn’t look like a seal in those white pants. And Simon didn’t like the song selection. Unfortunately Bon Jovi never did any cover versions from OLIVER.

Usually, they put the weakest performance number two and this week was no exception. Jordin Sparks was the happy, perky rocker chick. Her look and song felt a little “dress up”. Still, I think she’s safe because this week’s vote total will be combined with last week’s when she wowed America singing a selection from Simon’s favorite hard rock composers, Rogers & Hammerstein.

Don’t you wish Sanjaya were still around for Bon Jovi night??? Flitting about the stage singing “Bad Medicine”. “I got a dirty down addiction/It doesn't leave a track/I got a jone for your affection/Like a monkey on my back.” The tweeners would LOVE it!!

This week’s knife in the heart moments: Jordin telling Jon Bon Jovi that her mother grew up on him. That’s what every fading rock star wants to hear. And Ryan saying to offed-contestant Gina, “Rock week. This must be KILLING you.” Add another seven years onto that therapy, Gina.

LaKisha looked like she was wearing a Houston Astros rainbow road uniform from 1972. What was with that huge red stripe? However, she gave one of her best performances after several disappointing weeks. Was it the judges’ comments that turned her around? No. I like to think it’s because she saw Kimberley Locke on the CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.

Simon kissing LaKisha was a great moment. Ryan was so jealous.

I liked Blake with the dark hair. He looked like a young Charles Grodin. And finally he tossed away the argyle sweaters and went back to his strength – doing bizarre totally original versions of songs that today seem fresh and hip and in five years will look ridiculous. But this night he shined. And I’ll never be able to sing “You Give Love a Bad Name” again without lapsing into Daffy Duck.

Chris Richardson’s idea of taking a risk is singing through his mouth. He’s awful. He will need more than a charity to keep him on after this week.

And Melinda continues to prove she can sing anything. She got the pimp spot this week and delivered big time. The judges compared her to Tina Turner. I agree. She was so dead-on for Tina Turner that if I were Melinda I’d get a restraining order on Ike just to play it safe.

Two finalists get voted off tonight. After last week’s staged sacrifice of Jordin (nice of the producers to do that to the one 17 year old contestant… on their celebration of humanity night) I’m sure her fans will be out in full force. Chris is toast. Probably Phil. But maybe LaKisha. I sure hope not. I’d hate to see her on that big CELEBRITY FIT CLUB scale with Ant making bitchy jokes and Rosie O’Donnell yelling, “You go girl!”


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Anonymous said...

English teachers across America are slashing their wrists...

Mary Stella said...

Jon Bon Jovi struggled to say something positive about Chris. That contestant has to go tonight. To damn Phil's performance with faint praise, I thought he was great. For him.

Poor Jordin. I love her and hope that one bad week doesn't screw her chances.

Ian said...

I'm sure George W. and wife Laura thought it was a public relations coup to appear on last night's "Idol" to thank private citizens and companies for their contributions. Ironically, a chunk of the money collected will no doubt go to people who continue to be affected by Hurricane Katrina after the Bush administration completely dropped the ball in their response to this major disaster. He might just as well have said, "Thanks for contributin', everybody, cause I sure as heck didn't do squat to help them folks."

I predict that one of the contestants to go tonight will be Chris, but the other is anybody's guess. If I had to bet I'd pick Phil Stacey. I don't think he looks like Frankenstein's monster so much as Uncle Fester (from the Addams Family TV show)after a gastric bypass. I actually thought his performance last night was one of his best. Jordin's was dreadful, but I'd be surprised if she didn't survive tonight's cull. In fact, right now I think it will come down to Jordin and Melinda.

MaryAn Batchellor said...

Missed AI last night but tell me Bon Jovi doesn't really look that much like David Spade.

Sharp Blunt Bimbo said...

You know, Phil actually have been getting more interesting than Chris and Lakisha. So both of them has to go out pronto.

Mike Barer said...

Thank you for a great blog review. For fun, I have been blogging the Apprentice and although I am not a writer by proffession, I get some great pointers from you.

coake said...

The Boston Astros? Man, they'll do anything to get Clemens.

Anonymous said...

...a young Charles Grodin.


Mark Bennett

Beverly said...

I would actually very much like to see a klezmer night. Can you imagine Blake beatboxing the Hava Nagila?

"Ha-shicka shicka-ha...shicka shicka-ha...va...shicka shicka-va...bum cha bum cha va..."

Combine that with him rocking the Robot (which he somehow manages to fit in EVERY SINGLE WEEK) and the bad DJ at a Bar Mitzvah act would be complete. And I would SOOO TOOOOTALLY vote for him.

Looking forward to the Sitcom Room!


Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I must be the only one who thought Jordan was okay.

As for Anonymous and the Astros, go peddle your papers somewhere else, chum. This isn't eBay.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Phil Stacey. I don't think he looks like Frankenstein's monster so much as Uncle Fester (from the Addams Family TV show)after a gastric bypass."

No, no. Look at him folks. He's a dead ringer (Emphasis on "Dead") for Murnau's Nosferatu. Max Shreck - Transylvanian Idol. I should know; I was married to Vlad Tepes

"tell me Bon Jovi doesn't really look that much like David Spade."

I'll go you one better: Bon Jovi looks NOTHING like David Spade. If he did, Spade would get laid.

Now if only they'd done a rock night featuring a GOOD, or better yet, a GREAT song writer. Jon Bon Jovi may be better looking than John Lennon, Sir Paul McCartney, and Bob Dylan combined, but they wouldn't wipe their butts with Bon Jovi lyrics.


Will Teullive said...

Didn't see the show, but wondering if Paula, Simon, or Ryan asked to see Bon Jovi without his shirt?

Anonymous said...

If Simon needed to kiss LaKisha for being so good, after he told Melinda she was in another league from all the others, he should have at least had sex with her.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Didn't see the show, but wondering if Paula, Simon, or Ryan asked to see Bon Jovi without his shirt?"

They didn't, but I did.

Sharp Blunt Bimbo said...

Oh yeah, I thought Lakisha looked like a COke bottle. Was that intended as advertisement or..?

Rashad Khan said...

"...after [Simon] told Melinda she was in another league from all the others, he should have at least had sex with her."

Hasn't Melinda been through enough already?

Seymour said...

"I thought Lakisha looked like a Coke bottle. Was that intended as advertisement or..?"

How many liters?

Anonymous said...

this is stupid man!!! you better f**k your self in the a*shole

Metamorfose Ambulante said...

I officially retired my tv after Arrested Development was cancelled and had no idea just how bad things had gotten.

I just started reading your blog today and what a great way to find out about what the droves of Americans have decided to put on their nightly hot list.

to start with "Jon Bon Jovi has sold 120,000,000 albums" and then veer into a summation of an American Idol episode is just perfect. The two encompass how far bad taste can go...all the way to the top!

Hmm, George Bush was on AI? Yes, I can see how this show demands presidential attention. Why, what better source of inspiration can a bunch of wannabes exhibiting their modicum of talent on network television with the hopes of scoring a hefty record deal and the adoration of the American public, than the man who fits this profile perfectly and who made it all the way to President. The only difference is that AI has a more sophisticated voting system.

thank you for your brilliant writing. this was the best laugh i've had in a long time :)

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