Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Down to the final three which means the obligatory hometown hero salutes. I thought they were a little muted this year. A few seasons ago the entire state of Florida showed up for Vonzell Solomon’s parade. Today she goes downtown and finds a Denver Boot on her car.

But at least all three this year did receive hometown salutes. Not like last season when poor Katharine McPhee from Sherman Oaks, California had to settle for a assembly in her high school gym. I think they gave her the key to the sports equipment locker. You just know the bell rang and everyone cleared out for lunch, knocking Katharine over to get to that macaroni and cheese at the cafeteria.

My big question of the week is how did they determine the order of who sang when? Seems that whoever gets the pimp spot (last) has the greatest advantage. My Idol history is hazy but it seems to me whoever sings first is dead. Last year Elliott and before that Kimberley Locke and Vonzell “$200 to get my car back?” Solomon. On the other hand, is it best to be first because the only phone number most idiots can remember is 01?

You figured Blake would be second, between the two women.

Remember: It’s okay to watch AMERICAN IDOL and obsess over your favorite as long as YOU DON’T VOTE. Once you pick up that phone you become one of the Pod People. All that’s left for you is killing.

Jordin sang first. Simon picked the one R&B song he knew, “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. It’s a song that didn’t even chart the Hot 100. And then Simon complained that he missed the original arrangement. Jordin could have had bagpipes and zithers playing behind her and most viewers would have thought that WAS the original arrangement. Simon definitely wants Melinda to be in the finals, figures Blake is in regardless because of his fan base, so he subtly tried to submarine Jordin, both with a bad song selection and chickenshit reasons to criticize her.

Paula, on the other hand, was just so happy that her mood elevator took her to the top floor that she loved everyone this week and even thought that Haley gave her best performance.

Lucky Blake got two local salutes. One in his hometown of Bothell, Washington and another in Seattle. Hey, it’s not like these people get out to salute their World Champion Mariners every year.

I thought Blake’s version of “Roxanne” by the Police was mediocre at best. He hit four or five really flat notes. But he had the best finish all year – when he slammed the mic stand on the ground and the mic went flying. I was only hoping it would land on the judges’ table and Paula would scream, “AAAAA!! A SNAKE!!!”

Melinda was spectacular doing one of those Whitney Houston songs that sound like every other Whitney Houston song and has “I Believe” in the title.

Simon asked Ryan if he was drunk yet never asked Paula if she was on laughing gas.

For Jordin’s second song, “She Works Hard for the Money” she came out wearing “Come Vote For Me” pumps that made her look 6’5”. I thought she sang it great, but there was nothing flashy about the song. Submarine number two (this time by the producers). Maybe submarine number three if singing first proves to be the death slot.

Blake gave his best performance on Maroon 5’s, “This Love”. It’s as if Bobby Darin came back as a beatboxer.

Melinda was given the totally unremarkable “Nutbush City Limits” to sing next. If the producers wanted to give her a Tina Turner song there are like a thousand better ones they could have chosen. Even “Ooh Poo Pah Doo” or “I Can’t Believe What You Say (For Seeing What You Do)”.

Boy, those viewer questions were searing, weren’t they? “What’s your all-time favorite song?” Zzzzzzzzzzz. Miss America candidates have to tackle tougher issues. Of course I’m just mad that they didn’t use the question I sent in. “Jordin, if you weren’t allowed to use lethal injections, how do you think we should kill death row inmates?

Jordin and Melinda both chose to reprise songs they had already sung for their final numbers. This is usually where you hear “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for the ninth time. Jordin did her British Invasion tune, “I, Who Have Nothing” and I, who still won’t vote, thought it was the performance of the night. Simon, of course, complained that it was an old song. He was fine, however, with Melinda singing the old Peggy Lee 1963 chestnut “I’m a Woman”. I was sure Paula was going to say, “Good song but you spelled woman wrong.” I did like that Melinda, a former backup singer, brought her backup singers on stage. Classy touch.

Blake, always the rebel, did not reprise one of past successes. He did “When I Get You Alone” and what he lacks in sheer vocal power he makes up for in showmanship. I’m telling you – Bobby Darin.

At this point it’s tough to pick who will get voted off. But it doesn’t matter. All three will get recording contracts. All three will launch careers. And for at least the next six months, all three will be able to park in loading zones in their hometowns without getting tickets.

And Kimberley Locke might get a second parade if she wins THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.


Blarneyman said...

Again another hilarious post. Simon always subtly instructs the audience how to vote. The thing is, he gets it wrong a lot of times, but people are conditioned to think his word is the word of God.

But at least he can string a sentence together. Yo, alright, so check it out.

HouseFrau said...

Are you sure that Rose Royce song didn't chart? I thought it was a pretty big hit back in the day. I like that song.Jordin seemed to like it too-- when she she shreiked and clapped upon learning that Simon had chosen it. She subsequently defended her subpar performance by saying she had never heard the song before. (She didn't bother defending the totally insincere "excitement" she originally displayed.)

RAC said...

Oh, darn, I missed the whole show. I'm so sad. Wa wa. Actually, I saw Kelly Clarkson sing twice this week and she blew the roof off. None of these finalists come close to being as good as she was or is.

The Captain said...

I'll bet Haley did give a fine performance this week. At least that is how I picture her.

Mary Stella said...

My friend worked for the FOX station in Vonzell's town and organized that entire home town salute.

Did you see Philippi Sparks looking like he'd whup butt on Simon for critizing his daughter? After Simon complained about her "old" song choice, I loved Jordin's comment about Rose Royce being from the 70s.

I picked Blake (aka boy'z in a hoodie) to go home because I honestly think that Jordin and Melinda are better all around singers -- although he's an excellent entertainer. It's a tough call.

The producers must have threatened to fine Paula if she rambled. She was, for her, fairly concise.

Sad of me, I know, but I counted the number of times Randy said Yo. 27, if you're interested, and I might have missed a couple over the crowd noise.

What was up with Ryan? Seacrest attempting to speak "street" is like George Bush trying to speak ... well, anything.

Ken Levine said...

Check Joel Whitburn's TOP POP singles 1955-1993. Wishing on a Star did not chart. Maybe it did in the UK or Simon was told this was an example of funk so he filed it away along with the definition of funk.

HouseFrau said...

Turns out that the Rose Royce song was a much bigger hit in the UK when it first came out in the '70s. It was re-released in the UK in 1997, and Paul Weller covered it on his 2004 covers album. So you could see why Simon thought it was a little more hip and current than "I Who Have Nothing." I thought it was strange that Jordin chose to sing that song again because Simon didn't like it the first time she sang it. (Full disclosure: I am a Pod Person. I voted (last year) for Elliot Yamin.)

Mary Stella said...

I'm a semi-Pod Person. I tried to vote last night for Melinda but the phone lines were jammed and I couldn't get through. There I admit it. *g*

Scott said...

honestly, the original version of Rose ROYce's song is dreary and boring. Jordin's version was so much better.
Jordin IS a giant.
According to Access Hollywood, after each show she grabs both Ryan Seacrest and Blake in her enormous hands and puts them up on her nite-night stand. She then likes to call them pet names like, "Putt-putt" and "Flossy". It's cute…
I liked how the towns celebrated their idols:
Elvis Presley Ave is now: Melinda Doolittle Way
Malcolm X Drive has now become B.b.blake Lewis B.b.blvd.
And all of Route 66 was renamed the Jordin Sparks Speedway.
I certainly was impressed.
How times have changed:
All Bo Bice got was a mention in the Birmingham Penny Saver. It was under the coupon for Vinyl Siding.
It's odd that Blake choice to do that Robin Thicke song. As you know Robin Thicke is the son of Alan Thicke...And darn it, if Blake doesn't look like a grown up version of the youngest original Growing Pains child, Ben Seaver.

another funny post, Ken.

Will Teullive said...

I think they should stop the contest right now; don't eliminate anyone and promote all three as winners.

Bill them as "The New Tony Orlando and Dawn" and have them open for Jim Stafford in Branson, MO this summer!

Anonymous said...

You're spot on Simon's unsuccessful attempt to pimp his favorite contestant, Melinda at the expand of being extremely unfair to Jordin. No judges pointed out to the fact Melinda screwed up her third song lyrics. Don't get me wrong, I want to see Melinda in the finale along with Jordin and I don't have any problem with Simon and producers attempt to pimpt Melinda (by giving her the last pimp spot and praise her like crazy) but I expect them to be fair to other contestant, in this case Jordin. Coming first on the show is bad enough already but then they gave her to sing 2 crappy songs and then critisizer the arrangements which she has no control just purely unfair. I am glad in the end the fans put Jordin to the finale. I am sad that Melinda did not make it but I am sure she is going to have a great thing ahead of her.