Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Why have a blog if you can't rant?

Okay, I’m shocked. AMERICAN IDOL got it wrong. Melinda Doolittle was voted off?! She will be headlining in Vegas long after Blake Lewis appears at Six Flags Magic Mountain at Spiliken Corners. Melinda now joins Jennifer, Elliott, Kimberley, and Tamyra as losers who are better singers than most of the winners. The producers can hype the show any way they want but don’t call it a singing competition anymore. It’s not. It’s a popularity contest. Period.

With Melinda out, the only real suspense next Tuesday night will be just how bad and treacly will that original new song be that both Jordin and Blake have to sing? Unless Jordin says “fuck!” on the air, she’s the next AMERICAN IDOL.

And I hope Melinda goes on to have a fabulous career and can even afford to buy a house on the street named after her.

Like Elliot, in a year she'll be back with new teeth, a new look, and a new CD.

Onward and sideward…

Steve McPherson, the President of ABC, said this about the new caveman comedy, “It will have the ability to offend everyone but offend no one.

HUH??? WHAT?? There is network speak at its finest.

Meanwhile, George Lopez has gone postal now that his low rated sitcom has been cancelled by ABC. I’d say the fact that the network kept it on as long as it did despite the woeful numbers, lack of any buzz, and the way he bombs at every awards show, Mr. Lopez should be naming his kids after ABC instead of blasting them. He claims his whole life was up there on the screen. If so, then get a funnier life.

Besides, George, ABC no longer needs you. They have BINGO premiering Friday.

After Sunday night’s shocking episode of THE SOPRANOS, it’s pretty clear, Tony, the therapy isn’t working.

When I do these rants new things sometimes occur and I add them. So you might want to check back if you're in front of the computer and bored out of your skull.

I finally figured out the common denominator in LOST. All of these castaways had severely fucked up parents. We will eventually learn the whole series was merely a bad dream Sigmund Freud had in a cut rate opium den.

Now that the Rev. Jerry Falwell has left the Mortal Majority who will fill his role as ignorant spokesperson for the religious right? Remember, this is the man who supported segregation, thinks all gays are deviants, and claims 9/11 was brought about by “the ACLU and the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians.” His successor might want to add Jews (although I think that’s what Falwell meant by the ACLU), the Hollywood crowd, democrats, college professors, bloggers, unions, the HuffingtonPost, Keith Olbermann, Apple computers, scientists, and AMERICAN IDOL. Applications are now being accepted.

Phil Spector, still claiming he never shot Lana Clarkson to death now claims she was eating the gun. (Oh, that old plea!) So he’s not guilty of murder. He’s guilty of being a really bad host and not offering snacks.

Last season CBS was touting OLD CHRISTINE as the hit of the season! Now they just renewed it for midseason, and ordered only 13. Welcome to the BECKER/KING OF QUEENS/YES DEAR graveyard.

SPRING AWAKENING will win Musical of the Year at this year’s Tonys. Yes, it will beat out MARY POPPINS even though both have the same story – youth engaging in taboo sex. I didn’t offer a spoiler alert since no one will watch the Tonys anyway.

NBC picked up the remake of BIONIC WOMAN, claiming it’s a dark psychological drama. Come on! It’s the Bionic Woman!!! Super powers. Running in slow motion. Another chance to do HEROES. Next season prepare to enter the dark, brooding, tortured world of INSPECTOR GADGET.

30 comments:

Great Big Radio Guy said...

Yeah, it's become The Kids' Club. You need to make a correction: Melinda will headline somewhere before next week's American Idol.

I was trying to remember last year's Soul Patrol guy's name tonight and couldn't. (Taylor Hicks - had to Google it.) Winning this thing means less and less every season.

Aise from that, great show!

Great Big Radio Guy said...

And aside from spelling "aside" "aise," that was a pretty good post.

R.A. Porter said...

Wowsers! I hope you're not working on a spec Gadget as well.

Ernest said...

Darn, I thought "aise" was the new "aight". I really think you should stick with it.

Anonymous said...

Lopez out, Caveman in. Lopez believes he had insightful, personal reflections on his Latino family life? And not just worn out sitcom gags with fill in the blank terms.
Ok, just see if you can take one of his shows and redo it substituting the "Latino" reference by "Caveman" reference. I doubt there will be much problem.
Lopez is an odd shouty guy, who does better at stand-up than he does with extending the possibilities of a sitcom format so we keep watching.

And that whole surgery thing? Where his wife donates one of her organs for him? He was acting odder afterwards. Yeah, I put that out there.

David K. M. Klaus said...

Oh, yes, we need to see the dark, brooding, tortured world of Inspector Gadget....

I can see the tagline: "Edward James Olmos is Inspector Gadget!"

No, let's think bigger than television. Let's think big-budget theatrical remake: "Robert DeNiro is Inspector Gadget!"

Now, that's High Concept.

Annie said...

You cannot have been that shocked. I'm not saying it was the right decision, but you knew Blake would go through and that Jordin and Melinda would split the votes. Those were my top three favorites anyway so i probably would have been sad no matter who left.

Yay for Spring Awakening! I can't even believe Mary Poppins got nominated. Who votes on this Tony commitee? There were such better new shows.

Though, I did love that the only nomination that "Martin Short: Fame becomes me" received was for one of his supporting actors. That must sting a little.

DodgerGirl said...

Annie's right, you can't be all that shocked Melinda left. It's tradition, as evidenced from your list of previous #3 bootees. And Blake will win because the tweener and teeny bopper girls will be dialing and texting their little fingers off for him. He's sooooo dreamy!

Mary Stella said...

I'm shocked and appalled that Melinda got voted off. Silly me for having faith that the voters would support the best singer/performer in the bunch!

I'm tempted to cry foul because I actually tried to vote for Melinda and could not get through on any of the three telephone lines. Maybe I can launch a conspiracy theory that her lines were blocked. *g*

Ken, the real issue for me is that next week is the last week of AI! I'll miss your recaps. Can we convince you to recap on America's Got Talent when it starts?

la guy said...

I was was disappointed but not shocked that Melinda didn't make it. I think Jordin is going to win regardless of her competition.

In fairness the producers have never billed American Idol as a competition to find the best singer, it's to find the next pop star. Fairly or not, being a "star" today has as much to do with looks and charisma as talent.

It will be interesting to see what the "Band" version of Idol will bring. (And shouldn't Billy Idol be a judge?)

George Lopez had a show... when did that happen?

Tom Quigley said...

For the 30 seconds I watched AI last night, the results left me absolutely speechless... Melinda getting kicked off really stinks ... In fact, I was SO upset by the ending that I needed an extra Ambien in order to get to sleep last night (if you see me on the road today, head for the nearest freeway exit -- I may still be asleep)... This morning I'm still so pissed about it that I've got half a mind to call Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez and have him look into this travesty of justice -- and I have no doubt whatsoever he'll initiate a thorough investigation of whoever's responsible...

Tracelator said...

Seems strange to see you so shocked Ken when I think about all the casting you've done over the years. Melinda with the tentative, scared bunny smile and the please-dont-yell-at-me hunch just wasn't as broadly appealing. Truth is there are probably hundreds of amazing talented back-up singers out there who could hold their own against Melinda.

It was the confidence and stage presence that helped Blake and Jordin. In fact it' Blake's confidence that separated him from the other pie-faced-white-boy-whose-name-I-no-longer-remember that left a couple of weeks ago.

Last point... arent the REAL pod-people the folks that are buying the Elliot Yamin album or even advance ordering the Melinda Doolittle Sings the Best of Whitney/Mariah/Tina/Aretha. At least the 13-year-old girls saving their allowance for the future release of "Blake!" are authentic.

Bill said...

I love Melinda, and she's by far the best singer, but you have to admit she's not really the type to be an American idol.

On the other hand, Blake cannot sing At All. Jordin will be a nice Idol.

RAC said...

And if the GET SMART movie is a hit, maybe we'll actually see a humorous sitcom or two based on Agents 89 and 99, and introducing Jessica Alba as Agent 69...

...Would you believe a Geico commercial with Hymie the robot?

One thing would definitely be funnier these days: The shoe-phone. Or maybe a tiny shoe-phone hidden inside an iPod Mini?

Missed it by that much. Sorry Chief. Okay, now I can hear you snickering through the cone of silence. And loving it.

Agent 99: Max, that knife missed you by inches.
Maxwell Smart: You think it's some kind of warning?

Anonymous said...

Ken,

The reason something like this happens every season on AI is because people like you don't vote while the teeny boppers do. Consider it a miracle that she got this far.

Beckylooo said...

I wonder if folks snarked at the new and improved Battlestar Galactica when it got picked up? Can't get much more psycologically dark than Starbuck. Come on Ken, give it a chance...

Brian Kunath said...

They can call AI a juggling competition of they want. It's still gonna be thirty million twelve-year olds, feverishly pressing redial on their Hello Kitty cell phones to keep their fav hottie on another week.

I could never bring myself to watch a George Lopez sitcom. There will always be something better on, even test patterns. But if anyone has any video of George slapping Carlos Mencia around, I'd love to see it.

I'm sure Pat Robertson will fill Falwell's shoes nicely. A quick scroll down his Wiki page reveals a true old-testament nutcase who outloons Falwell by a country mile. Just recently he asked God to send a catastrophe to Dover, Penn after its schools stopped teaching intelligent desgin. He's also said that feminists are socialist, lesbian witches who want to kill their children. And we all know the lesbian part isn't always true.

What are these "musicals" of which you speak?

D. McEwan said...

"I finally figured out the common denominator in LOST. All of these castaways had severely fucked up parents."

More specifically, everyone on LOST has Daddy issues, as has been apparent for a long time. Jack and his manipulative father, Jun's gangster dad faorcing her marriage and killing her boy friend. Locke's con-man dad who crippled him, whom he was manipulated into manipulating Sawyer to kill (Using Sawyer's Daddy issues), Ben, who manipulated Locke into killing his father, turned out the following week to have gassed his own father to death. Walt's whole story line. (Over for a year --- or is it?) Oh the Island is Bad Dad Land all right. And then there's the fact that mothers there all die at the end of their second trimester, so becoming a parent is impossible, and deadly.

It's a Freudian nightmare all right. People tend to forget that, before marrying his mother Jocasta, Oedipus first killed his father Liaus.

But the producers INSIST that it's not a dream, not a nightmare, and not an afterlife, despite the castaways now hearing that they all died. (And Charlie's got a Greatest Hit album out and at the top of the charts only 90 days after he "Died"? That was fast.)

LOST. I love it. Now I have to live to 60 (The age I'll be when it's final episode arrives, if I survive) to find out what the hell is going on.

Anonymous said...

Blake Lewis is the worst finalist since Justin Guarini.

Mike Barer said...

American Idol is a combination of 2 of America's evils. The Fox Network and Reality programming. That being said, it can be entertaining.

Scott said...

it's better for melinda that she got kicked off now...
the pressure to have big hit records would be too much for this sensitive soul
now the pressure of being an american idol is off and she can go on to have a non-stressed out career.
let Jordin worry about whether or not the CD went platinum or just sold 800,000


LOST: it's not fucked up parents...just fucked up Dads.
Kate's step Dad
John's dad, jack's dad, desmond's fiancees' dad, charlie's dad and his brother who acted like his dad, hurley's dad, ben's dad, boone & shannon's dad, baby aaron's dad, sawyer's dad, sun's dad...you get the point

Ken Levine said...

Shannon's mom was a piece of work. Kate's mom wouldn't accept her. Sawyer's mom slept around. Jin's mother is a prostitute who blackmailed Sun.

And isn't Kim Basinger at least one of their mothers???

John said...

Ken --

Falwell's replacement is easy to figure out, since he's already had the job for a couple of years -- it's Focus on the Family president Dr. James Dobson, who earlier this year blasted the possible presidential candidacy of Fred Thompson because he's not a true Christian in the Rev. Dobson's eyes, perferring the more saintly married thrice, cheated-on-his-wife-twice Newt Gingrich in the 2008 race. No crass political considerations involved there (yea, Pat Robertson's still lurking around at odd hours on the ABC Family Channel, but even fundamentalist conservatives start slowly edging towards the exits when he shows up, out of fear he's going to start trying to redirect hurricanes again or claim he can dead lift 2,000 pounds using only his pinkies while selling them holy protein shakes).

Four Eyed Girl said...

Sure, Lost has a lot of bad dads, but we haven't seen any evidence of Charlie's dad being a bad father. The only memories/flashbacks we've seen of him have been good.

Anonymous said...

Yes,what a shame CBS is doing to OLD CHRISTINE!
I like this show and having to wail until Jan 08 and then only 13 new shows.
I would have liked to see CBS turn Tom Selleck's JESSE STONE into a weekley show and please, someone give Gerald McRaney is own show!

Geoduck said...

Sure, Lost has a lot of bad dads, but we haven't seen any evidence of Charlie's dad being a bad father.

Intentionally or otherwise, Charlie's father does seem to be an exception to the rule; he even caught flashback-Charlie when the kid jumped into the swimming pool, just like promised! (Per the usual bad-dads on the show, I was fullly expecting for him to leave him thrashing around, trying to get him to 'toughen up' or something..)

D. McEwan said...

edfndwlpbGerald McRainey HAD his own show this season, and they killed him off, cutting four years off his contract BEFORE they were cancelled, as they realized they needed him OUT of there to continue at all.

On LOST, Charlie's dad promised to catch him and didn't, but it was a good memory because it taught Charlie courage, and swimming, a quality and a skill he'd need for his suicide mission to the underwater hatch of hot babes with guns. And Dad was there if needed. But still, a broken promise from dad is a broken promise from dad.

But actually, Charlie's "Bad Dad" is his brother, who filled Dad's shoes in Charlie's life for a period, and was the usual disaster.

But Kate's Mom was definitely not a Good Mom. If you kill off Abusive Dad, Mom shouldn't be turning you into the cops.

Fortunately, I had basically good parents, which is why I'm not LOST!!!

I see I called Sun Jun and Jin Sun in my posting above, managing to mix up two characters as well as mispelling one of them. Or, is it a clue that won't be cleared up for three more seasons of my life?

Next, what about all the literary references in LOST? I know that all the Stephen King references are just Abrams kissing King's butt, while King regularly kisses Abram's in Entertainment Weekly. These guys love each other, and should get a room. But what about "Catch-22"? And that babe-with-guns hatch is "The Looking Glass Hatch" which is but one of many Lewis Carroll references. There's plenty more Tolkein references than just casting Dominic as Charlie.

And then there's the public service announcements, like Mr. Eko being killed by really aggresive second-hand smoke.

D. McEwan said...

Please ignore the word verification letters preceding Gerald McRainey's name above.

Beverly said...

That last line had me in stitches :D

But really, who WOULDN'T be dark and depressed after "Inspector Gadget 2"?

Anonymous said...

Everyone! Please watch the Jesse Stone movie Tuesday night on CBS.
Let's get some good rateing for Tom.