Thursday, May 10, 2007

Summer Movies Preview: Part Three

Here's the final batch of summer movies you need to be warned about.

THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – (Who we kidding? BOURNE 3) Matt Damon’s amnesia is traced back to the trauma of being friends with Ben Affleck.

SURF’S UP – Penguins are currently Hollywood’s A-list cartoon animals. Please stop before THE SORROW AND THE PENGUIN.

CAPTIVITY – Perfect casting: Elisha Cuthbert who’s been kidnapped so many times in 24 she can’t ride in a car unless she's in the trunk.

CARE BEARS: OOPSY DOES IT! – Gooey entertainment for very small children and Paula Abdul.

TALK TO ME – Don Cheadle as an ex-con now a DJ. Not the G. Gordon Liddy story.

BECOMING JANE – starring the very becoming Anne Hathaway as the original wild and crazy party girl, Jane Austen. Watch her wrestle with writers’ block and the paparazzi.

HOT ROD – Andy Samberg’s quest to be the next Will Ferrell takes him to the familiar arena of hot rod racing.

THE INVASION – Nicole Kidman, fresh from her triumph in BEWITCHED, teams with Daniel Craig in this update of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. For inspiration Ms. Kidman drew upon her marriage to a noted Scientologist.

EL CANTANTE – Marry J-Lo and get to star in movies with her. Husband de jour, Marc Anthony is Jennifer’s latest co-star in this biopic about the late Puerto Rican salsa legend Hector Lavoe. If she had married Puff Daddy instead the movie would be the biopic of Barry White.

THE TEN – Paul Rudd, in between TV pilots, stars in this contemporary look at the Ten Commandments. Also stars Jessica Alba (pictured) who I would be willing to break at least four, maybe five commandments for.

THE COMEBACKS – spoof on those ROCY/HOOSIER/FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS feel-good sports movies. Directed by Tom Brady (but not the one who’s the QB of the New England Patriots so don’t expect much.)

SUPERBAD – Boy are they asking for it with that title. Coming-of-age teen comedy written by Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen so it probably is funny.

RUSH HOUR 3 – Why? No, seriously. Why??? Really. I’m not kidding. Why?????

STARDUST – Claire Danes plays a fallen star (not a has-been celebrity like Tara Reid but an actual celestial object). A marketing challenge since no one knows what the hell this movie is about.

THE BROTHERS SOLOMON – Will Arnett, Will Forte but not the one Will who sells tickets -- Ferrell.

HALLOWEEN 9 – Masked homicidal slasher, Michael Myers goes on a bloody rampage when he is forced to watch THE VIEW.

DADDY DAY CAMP – an actual sequel to DADDY DAY CARE. This is the end of my summer preview as well as the movie industry itself.

13 comments:

R.A. Porter said...

I was going to come up with a pithy way of describing Stardust - a movie I am dying to see for its story and stellar (unintended pun) cast - when I realized even Gaiman can't come up with a concise description. How about..a fairy tale about growing up and finding your true self?

benson said...

Thanks for starting my morning with a picture of Jessica Alba. You are a fine American...

Would've been fun to see Puff Daddy put on weight, ala Deniro, to play Barry White. But then there's still the pesky problem of "the voice".

Anonymous said...

I'm with Benson - Thanks for starting my day with a pic of Jessica Alba.

Especially after seeing her on Idol last night... luv her!

Ever consider running for President of this fine Country? ;)

Mary Stella said...

Who knew that the crop of summer movies would make me so happy that America's Got Talent is returning for a second season?

Anonymous said...

Its Austen, not Austin

Anonymous said...

"AustEn" -- She's the most widely translated author of all time. In 10 years, no one will know what the hell "Superbad" is. In 20, no one will be watching "Pirates 3". But 50, even 100 years from now, people will still be reading the novels she wrote in the 1800s. Please spell her name correctly.

Tom Quigley said...

Thaks for the forewarning, Ken. Looks like another summer of Netflix and microwave popcorn for me...

Speaking of movie previews -- or reviews -- anyone ever notice how the late Gene Siskel would always go gaa-gaa over any movie with a French title? You could have taken "Three Amigos", called it "Trois Amis", and he would have waxed effusively for hours on end on what a great job it does of exploring the human condition on so many different levels... I imagine he and Francois Truffaut and Louis Maille are all up there somewhere having a good laugh by tagging these potential bombs with French monikers, just to try and attach some redeeming social and artistic value to some of them...

Dante Kleinberg said...

Definitely:

Bourne Ultimatum

Maybe:

Hot Rod
The Invasion
Stardust
The Brothers Solomon

I was supposed to see a preview screening of Hot Rod a week ago but it filled up really fast and I didn't get in... believe it or not...

Anonymous said...

""AustEn" -- She's the most widely translated author of all time. In 10 years, no one will know what the hell "Superbad" is. In 20, no one will be watching "Pirates 3". But 50, even 100 years from now, people will still be reading the novels she wrote in the 1800s. Please spell her name correctly."

Get a life.

Elliott

Paul Atkinson said...

Hey now, I liked Rush Hour 1 & 2...

Of course I'm in the target demographic, so maybe I'm just a tool. :P

Greg said...

Well, "Stardust" is one of the only two in that list I actually want to see. It's Gaiman, so it's almost certainly not going to suck.

Bourne Ultimatum is the other, because of the director, Paul Greenglass, who did the remarkable "Bloody Sunday."

Kelly said...

I like your blog, it’s always fun to come back and check what you have to tell us today.

Artorios said...

Well I'm looking forward to "The Bourne Ultimatum" and "Rush Hour 3".