Here's the final batch of summer movies you need to be warned about.
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM – (Who we kidding? BOURNE 3) Matt Damon’s amnesia is traced back to the trauma of being friends with Ben Affleck.
SURF’S UP – Penguins are currently Hollywood’s A-list cartoon animals. Please stop before THE SORROW AND THE PENGUIN.
CAPTIVITY – Perfect casting: Elisha Cuthbert who’s been kidnapped so many times in 24 she can’t ride in a car unless she's in the trunk.
CARE BEARS: OOPSY DOES IT! – Gooey entertainment for very small children and Paula Abdul.
TALK TO ME – Don Cheadle as an ex-con now a DJ. Not the G. Gordon Liddy story.
BECOMING JANE – starring the very becoming Anne Hathaway as the original wild and crazy party girl, Jane Austen. Watch her wrestle with writers’ block and the paparazzi.
HOT ROD – Andy Samberg’s quest to be the next Will Ferrell takes him to the familiar arena of hot rod racing.
THE INVASION – Nicole Kidman, fresh from her triumph in BEWITCHED, teams with Daniel Craig in this update of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. For inspiration Ms. Kidman drew upon her marriage to a noted Scientologist.
EL CANTANTE – Marry J-Lo and get to star in movies with her. Husband de jour, Marc Anthony is Jennifer’s latest co-star in this biopic about the late Puerto Rican salsa legend Hector Lavoe. If she had married Puff Daddy instead the movie would be the biopic of Barry White.
THE TEN – Paul Rudd, in between TV pilots, stars in this contemporary look at the Ten Commandments. Also stars Jessica Alba (pictured) who I would be willing to break at least four, maybe five commandments for.
THE COMEBACKS – spoof on those ROCY/HOOSIER/FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS feel-good sports movies. Directed by Tom Brady (but not the one who’s the QB of the New England Patriots so don’t expect much.)
SUPERBAD – Boy are they asking for it with that title. Coming-of-age teen comedy written by Evan Goldberg & Seth Rogen so it probably is funny.
RUSH HOUR 3 – Why? No, seriously. Why??? Really. I’m not kidding. Why?????
STARDUST – Claire Danes plays a fallen star (not a has-been celebrity like Tara Reid but an actual celestial object). A marketing challenge since no one knows what the hell this movie is about.
THE BROTHERS SOLOMON – Will Arnett, Will Forte but not the one Will who sells tickets -- Ferrell.
HALLOWEEN 9 – Masked homicidal slasher, Michael Myers goes on a bloody rampage when he is forced to watch THE VIEW.
DADDY DAY CAMP – an actual sequel to DADDY DAY CARE. This is the end of my summer preview as well as the movie industry itself.