Thursday, May 03, 2007

the D.C. Madam defense trial

The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

A lawyer is questioning a witness.

LAWYER
Now senator, just tell us what happened on the night –

SENATOR
Day. It was my lunch hour.

LAWYER
On the day in question.

SENATOR
First let me state that there was no sex involved. I merely received a massage.

LAWYER
From who, senator?

SENATOR
(pointing) That young lady, there. Erotica.

LAWYER
The court will note the senator is pointing to the young lady in hot pants, leather boots, nurses cap, chewing gum.

SENATOR
That’s a licensed nurse’s hat.

LAWYER
Duly noted. So how did you find her?

SENATOR
Lovely. Just look at her.

LAWYER
No. How did you procure her, senator?

SENATOR
Oh. I was looking for massage therapists in the yellow pages and just selected her at random. 1-800-RUB-MEE.

LAWYER
And she came to your office?

SENATOR
No. The office is a little small. I’m a junior senator. But that day I was house-sitting a friend’s condo.

LAWYER
He was out of town.

SENATOR
Working late.

LAWYER
Go on.

SENATOR
We met at noon and both took off our clothes.

LAWYER
The masseuse too?

SENATOR
She didn’t want me to feel self-conscious.

LAWYER
You didn’t find that unprofessional?

SENATOR
I did and asked her to please keep on the hat.

LAWYER
I assume she brought her own massage table.

SENATOR
Actually, in her rush to be on time she said she forgot it.

LAWYER
So what did you use?

SENATOR
Fortunately, there was a bed in the condo.

LAWYER
She then began the massage.

SENATOR
Well, not right away. We had a glass of wine first.

LAWYER
Why, senator?

SENATOR
She said I seemed tense.

LAWYER
Isn’t that what the massage was for?

SENATOR
I asked that too and she said if I didn’t shut up she would consider me a bad boy and punish me.

LAWYER
Which you didn’t want.

SENATOR
We’re talking Monday, the 12th? No. All I could afford that day was the massage.

LAWYER
Did she actually give you the massage?

SENATOR
Yes. She performed it. But no sex. Legally, as long as I am on my stomach we are both allowed to be naked. And remember, technically she wasn’t – the hat and all.

LAWYER
So describe the massage for this court.

SENATOR
First she started working on my pecs and chest.

LAWYER
I thought you were on your stomach.

SENATOR
I was. At all times.

LAWYER
Then where was she?

SENATOR
Under me.

LAWYER
And you didn’t find this unusual?

SENATOR
I told you. I couldn’t afford to speak up.

LAWYER
And how long did this go on for?

SENATOR
Three minutes the first time, and twelve minutes the second.

LAWYER
I see. And now you no longer employ Ms… uh… Erotica.

SENATOR
No. Not since the shocking charges.

LAWYER
And what do you do now for massages?

SENATOR
I’ve begun going to Margaritaville, who – before you get any ideas – is a licensed practitioner of the full body Belize massage method. And unlike Erotica, is very thorough. I’ve used her six times. Not once did she forget the hammock.

LAWYER
No further questions, Your Honor.

SENATOR
I appreciate this opportunity to set the record straight. And I’m sure the other 985 witnesses feel the same way.

THE (HAPPY) END

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bright, tight and outta site!

Christopher said...

Ken -

That was legit hilarious...and as a writer, I would truly like to know - how long did that take you to write?

Rory L. Aronsky said...

*bows down, adding M*A*S*H DVDs, Cheers DVDs, and Wings DVDs to his fast-growing Ken Levine shrine*

I'm floored. That piece of writing was a mental orgasm.

Anonymous said...

that was very funny. good.

Ken Levine said...

Christopher,

Thanks for the props. It took about a half hour to write.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Thanks for the props. It took about a half hour to write.

I look forward to the day when I can write something in half an hour and be satisfied with it. Lucky man.

la guy said...

I just love a story with a happy ending.

I imagine, being the dedicated writer you are, that a lot of research went into writing that post.

Thanks for your humorous and courageous work on the subject.

Willy B. Good said...

Half an hour to write that funny sketch damn what took you so long Ken?

ps- yes sadly I was joking

benson said...

Ken, somewhere Art Buchwald is smiling.

Ian said...

I second the Buchwald comment.

Thank you, Ken, for starting off my day with a good laugh. A bunch of laughs, actually.

Jason said...

Can we get the ghost of Groucho Marx to play the Senator?

Christopher said...

Ken -

My pleasure on the props. And thanks for answering that. Needless to say...your beak is as sharp as ever.

gregory huffstutter said...

I can't wait for Margaritaville to give her oral deposition.

Jim said...

"The D.C. Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey, believes that by outing her clients they will rally to her defense. Interesting logic."

The point, I think, is up until a few days ago, all she had was a court appointed lawyer. Now someone (and I wonder who) is paying her legal expenses. I think with the threat of revealing her "clients" she has improved her, eh, position.

Murph said...

This is what Nora Dunn's been doing post-SNL? I didn't picture her the Madam type.

Susie said...

Love the post. And I just saw an AP article that tonight 20/20 is airing names from the Madam's phone records. Set your DVR's on stunned! (No, I don't work for whatever network does 20/20)
It promises to be a nice followup to the GOP debate IMHO.

Anonymous said...

Ken,

You're a very, very funny man. God bless you.

VP81955 said...

Susie said...
Love the post. And I just saw an AP article that tonight 20/20 is airing names from the Madam's phone records. Set your DVR's on stunned! (No, I don't work for whatever network does 20/20)


I missed 20/20. Did ABC deliver or chicken out? (Marc Fisher of the Washington Post, interviewed on radio this afternoon, thought it might be the latter.)

Dhppy said...

I agree with everyone else. That was damn funny.

Miles Underground said...

As jaded and cynical as I am, the "under me" line made me laugh out loud. Well played, sir.

David K. M. Klaus said...

And then she committed suicide when she realized that she was going to be imprisoned for a decade or more for providing for some of the most powerful men in the United States while they were all getting away with acts more criminal than hers and much more harmful. Even the ONE who got outed (for a baby diaper fetish!) got re-elected last month.

Happy ending.