Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The barbeque of DEATH!!!

As another World Series begins it’s always fun to look back at the season and salute the idiotic injuries players and coaches suffer. My thanks to ESPN’s Jayson Stark for uncovering these.

Bizarre injuries are a baseball tradition as much as the seventh inning stretch. My all-time favorite belongs to Dodger outfielder, Pedro Guerrero. This is a man who was up on a drug charge and the defense pleaded he was too stupid to know what was going on and he won! In 1987 during the Whittier earthquake Pedro decided to evacuate his house. Most people, when caught in that unfortunate situation, retrieve precious family photos, insurance policies, passports, etc. Pedro wrenched his back hauling his priceless big screen TV out to the lawn. The defense rests.

Now for this year’s bonehead casualties:

Raul Ibanez of the Mariners was out for a week in May with a back injury sustained when he tried to get some sleep on the team plane.

This is why I never run: Milwaukee manager, Ned Yost was jogging in Wrigley Field and tripped over a patch of loose concrete. He broke his collarbone.

Somehow in June Washington reliever, Jesus Colome suffered an “abscess on his right buttock”. The team’s General Manager, Jim Bowden is quoted in the Washington Post as saying, “We pray for his buttocks and his family.”

Tampa Bay pitching coach, Jim Hickey hit a golf shot that missed the fairway, caromed off a curb and hit him the eyebrow, requiring surgery for a detached retina. No “Fore-eyes” jokes please.

Forget weapons. There should be an organization dedicated to the prevention of barbeques. They seem to account for a shocking number of baseball mishaps. Phillies centerfielder, Aaron Rowland missed a few games in the summer after “tweaking” his back while playing tag at a BBQ. Cub’s pitcher, Bobby Howry twisted his back carrying a gas grill across his patio. A dry run I’m sure in case he ever has to evacuate.

Meanwhile, Pirates pitcher, Ian Snell burned the tip of his index finger grilling chicken. “Let me just see if it’s done…AAAAAA!!!!”

Red Sox centerfielder, Coco Crisp (for you non-baseball fans, yes, that’s his real name) was struck in the knee by the Mariner Moose mobile. Apparently, the Mariner Moose was not looking where he was going. My guess is he was on a cellphone like every other driver.

And finally, there’s the Milton Bradley saga (again, for you non-baseball fans, I’m not making up these names). He got into an argument with an umpire and when his manager tried to break things up by flinging him to the ground he tore up his ACL. “Yer out!!…for a YEAR.”

Enjoy the World Series. And you might want to boil those hot dogs instead of grilling them.


Anonymous said...

Well, technically Coco Crisp's real name is Covelli.

(Just doing my bit to ruin another fun entry by pointing out one minor flaw in order to make myself feel smart)

PS Go Sox!

RAC said...

Some good laughs tonight, Ken, after a long ass day in the trenches. Thank you! From watching the news, I was wondering if you can see the fires or smell the smoke in your area. I hope all is well!

Mike said...

Coco Crisp - He's part of this complete breakfast!
(How I'd love to hear a baseball announcer say that someday...)

jbryant said...

So no "fore-eyes" jokes, eh? What about "eagle-eyes?"

A. Buck Short said...

Ken, you will have to advise, is it inappropriate to still jump on Viva Laughlin here -- because most of our gallant group is unlikely to time travel back, even a day? Even with a long post like I suspect this is going to be.

But I’ve had just about enough.
44 Viva Laughlin comments yesterday,and not so much as a mention of HUDSON HAWK!

Whatsamattayoupeople! How soon we forget. Am I the only one who got off on that Bruce Willis, er, “vehicle" by just thinking of it as camp – although maybe not in the way it was intended?

You gotta know the back-story. James Coburn’s memorable performance in HH was nothing less than an homage to Lee Marvin’s vocal stylings in PAINT YOUR WAGON. I liked JC – especially in Paul Schrader’s “Affliction.” But then I liked everying in “Affliction.” Still, in my mind, about 50% of everything Coburn ever did was an homage to Lee Marvin.

And I’m sorry, but here’s a little spoiler. There already was a CSI: LAUGHLIN. David Caruso was in HUDSON HAWK. I think the concept must have had its genesis during a scene in the NYPD BLUE locker room, where Sipowicz turns to Kelly and says, “Stop looking at my ass.” Then Bochco suggests, “Why just talk about it when you can sing it?”

As far as the current effort is concerned VL (or “45” as those of us with classical training like to call it) is just another case of Melanie Griffith’s anti-stentorian yet non-dulcet tones going under-appreciated. Boy, can that woman belt out a number! She's every bit the showrunner on VIVA LAUGHLIN that Sandra Bernhard was in HUDSON HAWK.

But truth be told, don’t you always feel a little bit like a pedophile just listening to her? I’m with you Ken, as long as Sandra Bernhard continues never doing comedy, I’m in lo…….. Wait. What the hell am I saying!

I see nothing wrong with casino owners, blackjack dealers, police detectives and emergency rescue teams spontaneously combusting into song. Did anybody else’s mother ever react to something like that by exclaiming, “Oh such a voice. He could be a cantor.” Well mine said that -- about Pavarotti. Prompting the question, “Ma, the guy makes 120 million a year – why the f would he want to be a cantor?”

Now watch this segue. So help me this isn’t just for the set up. I’m sitting here with my jury summons. Here’s the plan you've given me to get excused DURING the trial – and to spring the other 11 jurors to boot.

Taking a page from yesterday's discussion, I organize our jury box into a hip Cop Rockian Choir —complete with robes donated.

Hizzonor enters the courtroom, and we get all George Schlattery with “Here come da judge, here come da judge. Order in da courtroom, here come da judge.” (Homage to Pigmeat Markham.)

We then introduce the new game show, “You be da Judge” staring Eubie Blake (get it?) as da judge. One production number converts Blake’s “You were Meant for Me” into “You were Meant for Jail.”

At various inappropriate points, still early in the proceedings, we rise, breaking into songs like Randy Newman’s “Guilty. ” Just like I think I remember a Cop Rock jury doing – except, I think they had substitute lyrics that Newman probably contributed. Gyrations extra. That ought to at least be good for a mistrial within the first 15 minutes.

Wait a minute, this thread reminds me of an even better court punking. We enter the courtroom “Jersey Boying” Sam Butera and the Witnesses.

Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s 2:30 here and I have to break to watch "Is Malibu Burning?" on the Nightline repeat. You just know it's California, when before they decide whether to evacuate you, FEMA first is required to ask if you're S.A.G. What do you expect, moving into a gated community named Rancho Inferno, and the realtor says the most important thing about the place is location, location, and the location they'll evacuate you to -- sadly having to leave your dog Freckles? I only pray to God that Suzanne Somers was able to fully reconstruct her house before it burnt down a second time. But that's just me.

Seriously, I hope everyone’s OK.

PS Ken, Flomax? I’ve got a prostate as big as the Texas sky, but who wants to treat that particular area of the body with a drug named after that Olympic hurdler? At least that’s what I think her name was? Hurdle and prostate are not two words pleasant to associate with each other.

A. Buck Embarassed said...

Wow. Really should have actually watched a national newscast before being so glib about the fires. Until now, I've been working and hadn't even seen the local coverage out here in Dallas. Only those local teasers where you're informed that "Brad" is heading out to California not only to get in the way but to report back -- because we people in Texas (and 49 other states) are too dumb to understand somebody not from here telling ud the wind is blowing and fire burns things. You get so used to a weather guy flying 1,000 miles to needlessly tie himself to a tree in another state's hurricane, you can't believe it's anything more than a wolfcry this time either.

Really scary and, of course, devastating -- even for the fabulously wealthy.

And btw, don't you appreciate the teasers within the local newscasts, where at each break they tell you "news" like "Later, we'll tell you how you can make your car run better." After 4 of those, the last story of the cast is something like "Put some gas in it, and fill up the tires."

At one time in the distant past, do I recall correctly that they didn't tease on TV. Then even when they did, the billboard itself did contain some actual facts or general information. And then during the newscast they actually gave you more detailed news on it? Now if they use up any of the actual alleged news in the billboard, when the time comes, they've got no news.

CJB said...

Dave Concepcion may still hold a position in the top ten all time bizarre baseball injuries. He got into a clothes dryer in the clubhouse to help himself out of a hitting slump.

Although he was on the DL for a while, he came back better than ever.

Long live Number 13...he should be in the Hall of Fame.

Mary Stella said...

I think that major league pitchers should be banned from all heavy exertion and/or playing with power tools. Wasn't it Mets pitcher Bob Ojeda who lopped off the tip of a finger with a hedge clipper?

The Curmudgeon said...

That Milton Bradley -- he's a gamer.

And, as a lifelong White Sox fan, I take particular delight in stupid Cub injuries.

This year, Kerry Wood was injured getting out of a hot tub in his own home. (That's a still-live link to a 2/15/07 AP story on a Bloomington, IL newspaper web site.)

My favorite, though, was Shawon Dunston, who went on the disabled list after allegedly attempting to remove a child's car seat from a vehicle.

Although I had five kids, and any number of car seats, I never had to seek medical attention as a result of that maneuver... how about you?

Anonymous said...

His rookie season, Braves pitcher John Smoltz tried to iron out wrinkles in his jersey while he was in it. He burned his chest. This makes him sound like an idiot, but Smoltzie is a really smart guy. Listen to his interviews. He just did something stupid. We all do stupid things sometimes.

John Royal said...

My favorite is from several years, and I think it was Richie Sexson, still with the Brewers, who wrenched his neck trying to put on his cap for his team photo.

The Minstrel Boy said...

you might want to boil those hot dogs instead of grilling them

but, don't. forget. the. tongs.

Zwalshon said...

Last year's mishap is my favorite. When it came out that Joel Zumaya from the Tigers was benched due to a guitar Hero related injury.


Cap'n Bob Napier said...

They may ban tailgating before Seahawk games. Guess they'll have to buy thos $7.00 brats inside the stadium.

Don't know the team or player, but I saw a football player wrench his arm doing a very hard high five with another player.

Ken, I love you blog and read it every day, but one tiny, teeny, minor, microscopic thing you do makes me want to apply a touch of Wite-Out to the screen. To wit: the comma before people's names. Not needed. Either the name is set off by a pair of commas ("That guy from Tacoma, Cap'n Bob, is a pest.") or not needed at all ("Tacoma writer Cap'n Bob is one hell of a guy."). Sorry to mention it.

lohur said...

I saw your photo of Pedro Guerrero and I thought I'd share this:


Ever thought about doing a sitcom with Pedro?

VP81955 said...

Evil Empire II 13, Colorado 1.


Nathaniel said...

Not too long ago Coco Crisp and Milton Bradley both played for the Indians. Best teammate name combo in my memory.

Joey H said...

In 1985, Vince Coleman of the St. Louis Cardinals was injured by being run over by Busch Stadium's automatic tarp. This was during the NLCS series, nonetheless.

Mike Barer said...

I remember when everything stopped when the World Series started. Now even baseball fans who followed the season ignore it.
While noone is looking Boston is gaining a big monopoly on the sports world. While the Red Sox are crowned champions, the Patriots are rolling over everything in sight.