Saturday, August 22, 2009

Because I love L.A. absurdity...

What better place to grow up with an appreciation for the absurd than Los Angeles? There is goofiness everywhere. For example:

An actual home in Beverly Hills:
And this is a Japanese restaurant.
No wonder comedy writers gravitate here. It's one sprawling funhouse.

What caught my eye recently were some VERBATIM headlines I read in HuffingtonPost.com and People.com. Clearly, they were meant for the 310 area code crowd. They're supposed to be taken seriously. And I'm sure for anyone who has had too much Botox they were. But for you and me, you can't make up these punchlines.

Jaime Pressly: I Didn't Pee In Public

Why Actress Ellen Burstyn Slept On The Street: Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Chinese Bride Wears 7,083-Foot Dress

Burger King Asks Barefoot Baby To Leave

Lady Gaga Is Nude, Wants To Turn The World Gay

Is Religion Ruining Our Health?

'Hung' Star Thomas Jane Talks About His Penis

Slain Model Was Identified By Her Breast Implants

Brad And Angelina Go Shopping For Gerbils

Sting's Daughter: My Dad Knows Nothing About Tantric Sex

Jeremy Piven: I Haven't Had Fish In 11 Months, I Feel Like A Different Person

Octomom's 2-Year-Old Calls Her 'Bitch'

NBA Star's Jilted Fiance Talks Reality Show, Wedding Dress Giveaway

Jill Sobule: I Called Katy Perry A Slut Ironically

Celine Dion Pregnant With Embryo Frozen For Eight Years

Study: Over 50 Percent Of Women Hate Their Feet

PHOTOS: Presidents And First Ladies In Swimsuits

Obese Texas Inmate Hides Gun In His Flabs Of Fat

Paula Abdul's First Day NOT At Work:

Running Enthusiasts Flock To Weird-Looking 'Barefoot Shoes'

Australia's Newest Political Party: The Sex Party

PHOTOS: Jeremy Piven's Many Hairlines

Michael Jackson's Body Held In Deep Freeze

Victoria Beckham: Joy At Being An 'Idol' Judge Is Ruining My Moody Pout

Heidi Montag: I Want More Plastic Surgery

Jon Hamm's Grandmother Doesn't Like 'Mad Men'

David Byrne Makes London Building Into Musical Instrument

It's World Breastfeeding Awareness Week

Luxury Resort Offers $19 Room, Minus The Bed And Toilet Paper

Man Offers 40 Goats, 20 Cows To Marry Chelsea Clinton; Hillary Calls It "Very Kind"

'Survivor' Richard Hatch: I Was Imprisoned Because I'm Gay

'So You Think You Can Dance' Star Charged With Multiple Rapes

Tyra Banks To Reveal Her 'REAL Hair'

PHOTOS: Madonna, Jesus & Kids In A Boat

Karolina Kurkova: Pregnancy Is The New 'It' Bag

Jeremy Piven And Chris Kattan In Sushi Screaming Match

WATCH: Kate Gosselin Cries

WATCH: Octomom: 'I Screwed Myself'

Rapper C-Murder Convicted Of Murder

Why You Must Vacation When Your Wallet Is Empty

Jon Gosselin Claims Kate 'Tried to Cry It Up for the Cops'

Seth MacFarlane: Baby Stewie From 'Family Guy' Is Gay

Pop Quiz: Could You Be in Madonna's Entourage?

10 Ways To Sleep Like a French Woman

Who Dissed Gwyn's Cooking?

27 comments:

Sean Lindsay said...

I don't doubt your point/perspective on Hollyweird, but that house is beautiful.

sephim said...

Lady Gaga Is Nude, Wants To Turn The World Gay

That'll probably do it.

J.J. said...

Actually, the Japanese restaurant is only half Japanese, the other half (the top half) is call Romanov's, and oddly enough it's Russian.

I live in the 'hood and I keep hoping Romanov's folds and they open up an a movie theater--an art house movie house would be appropriate in Studio City.

Alan Coil said...

The headlines at Huffington post are often the weakest part of the site. Sometimes the headlines completely misinform as to the subject therein.

A recent headline for an article where Ted Kennedy recommended to his governor that Massachusetts law should be amended to allow for a temporary Senator to be appointed until a special election could be held. Present law could allow the senate job to be unfilled for up to 5 months, which could be detrimental to the state.

The headline was:

KENNEDY WANTS HIS SEAT FILLED QUICKLY

To which my mind instantly responded:

"I didn't even know he was gay."
.
.

watzabatza said...

Wow! the 2nd picture is amazing.. great architechtural form...

Tallulah Morehead said...

Jaime Pressly: I Didn't Pee In Public
"But I'll keep trying until I do."

It's World Breastfeeding Awareness Week
Wow, look at all that breastfeeding!

Why Actress Ellen Burstyn Slept On The Street: Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Ellen Burstyn: "I DID pee in the street!"

Chinese Bride Wears 7,083-Foot Dress
Authorities cite it as "Too revealing."

Burger King Asks Barefoot Baby To Leave
Baby was just trying to raise McBreast-Feeding Awareness.

Lady Gaga Is Nude, Wants To Turn The World Gay
And Raise Fake-Breast Feeding Awareness Also.

Is Religion Ruining Our Health?
It is if you're a Christian Scientist.

Sting's Daughter: My Dad Knows Nothing About Tantric Sex
"So We Do It the Old-Fashioned Way."

Jeremy Piven: I Haven't Had Fish In 11 Months, I Feel Like A Different Person
Whoever He Feels He is Now is Bound to be an Improvement.

Octomom's 2-Year-Old Calls Her 'Bitch'
Child Declared "Wise Beyond His Years."

NBA Star's Jilted Fiance Talks Reality Show, Wedding Dress Giveaway
Oprah: "Look Under Your Seats; Everyone is Getting a Wedding Dress!"

Jill Sobule: I Called Katy Perry A Slut Ironically
Who are these Sluts?

Celine Dion Pregnant With Embryo Frozen For Eight Years
Baby Born "On the Rocks"

Study: Over 50 Percent Of Women Hate Their Feet
But not as much as their feet hate them. Her last words: "My feet are killing me."

PHOTOS: Presidents And First Ladies In Swimsuits
Barbara Bush's bikini revealed her last name. President Taft continued on next page.

Obese Texas Inmate Hides Gun In His Flabs Of Fat
Then can't find it again.

Paula Abdul's First Day NOT At Work:
Abdul: "Not working is HARD!"

Running Enthusiasts Flock To Weird-Looking 'Barefoot Shoes'
Someone get those shoes some shoes

Australia's Newest Political Party: The Sex Party
They are contesting an erection

PHOTOS: Jeremy Piven's Many Hairlines
Head, neck, bikini.

Michael Jackson's Body Held In Deep Freeze
Accidentally Implanted in Celine Dion's Womb.

Victoria Beckham: Joy At Being An 'Idol' Judge Is Ruining My Moody Pout
David Beckham replies: "Not it isn't."

Heidi Montag: I Want More Plastic Surgery
For instance, sewing her lips closed.

Jon Hamm's Grandmother Doesn't Like 'Mad Men'
But they LOVE her.

David Byrne Makes London Building Into Musical Instrument
But It gets stolen while he's riding on the subway

Luxury Resort Offers $19 Room, Minus The Bed And Toilet Paper
Great; now we have to shit in the street too.

Man Offers 40 Goats, 20 Cows To Marry Chelsea Clinton; Hillary Calls It "Very Kind"
Bill adds: "It's our best offer so far."

'Survivor' Richard Hatch: I Was Imprisoned Because I'm Gay
All Straight Tax Evaders Breathe Sigh of Relief.

'So You Think You Can Dance' Star Charged With Multiple Rapes
"No one Understands My Groundbreaking Horizontal Mambo. NEXT!"


PHOTOS: Madonna, Jesus & Kids In A Boat
Jesus is the one walking next to the boat.

Karolina Kurkova: Pregnancy Is The New 'It' Bag
(1.) Susan Boyle is now the "Old 'It' Bag."
(2.) Celine Dion: "Pregnancy is now The New 'It' Ice Box."

Jeremy Piven And Chris Kattan In Sushi Screaming Match
"You can't blame the sushi. If I were trapped with those two, I'd scream too."

WATCH: Kate Gosselin Cries
Give the public what it wants.

WATCH: Octomom: 'I Screwed Myself'
Sues Self for Child Support.

Rapper C-Murder Convicted Of Murder
Now renamed C-Bitch.

Why You Must Vacation When Your Wallet Is Empty
It Saves Time. You ARRIVE in Vegas Broke.

Seth MacFarlane: Baby Stewie From 'Family Guy' Is Gay
Insists on Wearing Designer Diapers

Pop Quiz: Could You Be in Madonna's Entourage?
I'll Check. Nope. I'm Not.

10 Ways To Sleep Like a French Woman
Pass Out Drunk.

I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.

Felix said...

I don't remember who it was, but someone put the Celine Dion news a little better:

Celine Dion pregnant with 8 year old baby.

Anonymous said...

turns out I could not be in Madonna's entourage. I was expecting a "are you a particular kind of person that madonna likes to hang with" kind of quiz, but instead it's a "do you know shit about madonna". Does she really want to be surrounded by a bunch of people who know (or care) who introduced her to her ex husband?

Willy B. Good said...

I don't blame Jill Sobule for calling Katy Perry an ironic slut as her girl kissing song was ten times hotter than Katy's. I hate to ask but how does Sting's daughter know so much?

DodgerGirl said...

I don't want to sleep like a French woman. The timezone is all off.

Michael said...

When I worked at a newspaper in Las Vegas, Frank, Dean, and Sammy were to do a concert to unveil the arena where the Rebels play basketball. I came up with "Rat Pack Back at Thomas and Mack." I'm still proud of that one, 25 years later.

That said, Headless Man in Topless Bar is an all-time classic. But the one I heard about that just floored me was that when New York City settled a subway strike on a Sunday night, the NY Daily News the next day came out with--I am told--"Sick Transit's Glorious Monday." THAT is a classic.

Anonymous said...

I keep hoping Romanov's folds and they open up an a movie theater--an art house movie house would be appropriate in Studio City.

Hell, I say restore the original Studio City Theatre, make that the art/revival house and stick Bookstar in the Geniiland building!

Rob said...

Morgan Freeman's StepGrandDaughter: My StepGrandpa knows nothing about Tantric Sex.

WV -- Bread: A musical phenomena known to instantly emasculate men.

Alternate definition: Proof that Google's getting lazy.

J.J. said...

@Anon: That would be my first choice too--either that or move Bookstar to one of the CVS stores (two? really is that necessary?), restore the theater to it's original purpose (a bit of trivia: last movie to play at the theater was The Hunt for Red October and the theater closed the week after that movie had it's run)...

A. Buck Short said...

Tallulah and Felix-- too funny!

Ken
Sure your LA marchers are head and shoulders ahead of everybody else's St. Patrick’s Day Gay Lawn Chair drill teams, but they don’t hold a charcoal lighter to the world famous 1950’s Italian police department’s celebrated motorcycle group:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrLvYrKYVD8

Far more than one might expect of a constabulary whose police sirens sound like the Octomom in induced labor. ....And yet I understand not far removed from your general rush hour traffic at a typical Roman isola rotatoria.

Everyone in Armani, what's not to like? Just unfortunate the camera didn't catch the big finale where all 160 cops jump a flaming Fiat and file out in formation spelling "bada bing, bada boom."

tb said...

Hadn't heard about the "goats-for-Chelsea" one. I say take it, Hillary, that's one helluva deal

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I trade Hitlary for a dead skunk and feel I got the better of the deal.

Mr. said...

I've eaten at that Japanese restaurant. The sushi items included cooked lamb. Weird but good.

Ralphie said...

Ken, I've got another question for you, buddy.

There is a great site, called the Frasier Files, that has transcriptions of all the episodes of Frasier. Apparently, the English are even more obsessed with Frasier than I am!

Anyway, with the episode, "Something borrowed, someone blue", they gave a note that said there were two endings filmed and shown to the studio audience, one where Daphne and Niles don't get together, and one, (the one that aired), where they do get together. Unsuprisingly, the studio audience preferred the one eventually aired.

My question is, how could you even think that we would be happy if, after a 6 1/2 year buildup, they DIDN'T get together? Mobs of peasants carrying torches and pitchforks would have descended on NBC studios.

Anyway, I enjoyed it again.

-Ralphie

Tom Quigley said...

Tallulah Morehead said...

"PHOTOS: Presidents And First Ladies In Swimsuits
Barbara Bush's bikini revealed her last name"
...

Tallulah: Thanks for the visual on that one -- Yech!... Wonder if it's as white and perm'd as the hair on her head -- and if she still lets little Georgie W. hide from the National Guard in it....

wv: molopli -- board game for persons who can't pronounce the letter "n"...

David K. M. Klaus said...

In the late '80s, after the St. Louis Globe-Democrat (the local morning conservative newspaper) went under there was an attempt to start a new conservative daily paper to compete with the liberal evening St. Louis Post-Dispatch. This was the St. Louis Sun, which only lasted about six months, but managed to create one headline which still gets laughs and head nods in bars all over town to this day.

A drunken lawyer bit his date on the butt in a bar, hard enough to draw blood, the jerk. The Sun's tabloid full-page headline the day after she took it to court?

He Bit Hers, She Sued His

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Tom Quigley said...
Tallulah: Thanks for the visual on that one -- Yech!... Wonder if it's as white and perm'd as the hair on her head -- and if she still lets little Georgie W. hide from the National Guard in it...."

And thanks to you for rubbing our nose it it ...

Oh wait. That didn't help, did it?

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Octomom's 2-Year-Old Calls Her 'Bitch'

I believe the full quote was: "Where's MY reality show deal, bitch?"

Megan said...

Does it strike anyone as scary that these headlines used to be on the National Inquirer? Is it fair they're leaving them with nothing worth shock value?! I don't know whether to laugh at that or cry...

Jub Jub The Frumious Bandersnatch said...

Then there's this, which DOES NOT HAVE ANYTHING to do with Ms. Heigle, no matter what anyone says.

martinb said...

Tallulah, your take on the headlines was laugh-out-loud funny. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

You forgot the one about Sonia Sotomayor "putting a dent in the glass ceiling." Yes, seriously.