Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fall Movie Preview: Part Three

Hello from Denver. Here's the wrap-up of this season's film fare:

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS – Easily the best title of the season. George Clooney tracks down psychics in the army. What’s going on with the military? Gays AND psychics???

UP IN THE AIR – George Clooney’s ninth movie this fall season. A habitual airline traveler, he falls for another habitual airline traveler. “We’ll always have Tucson to Detroit with a stop in Dallas”.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL – How many times are they going to remake this goddamn story? We get it!! Bob Zemeckis performance-capture version starring Jim Carrey playing multiple characters. It would take the “Ghost of Christmas Threatening To Take My Life” to get me to see this movie.

PRECIOUS – Oscar buzz for this Sundance darling. And that’s WITH Mariah Carey in the cast. So it must be the best picture ever.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL – Another chipmunk movie? How can you possibly improve on perfection?

A PROPHET – Life in an Arab prison. Good luck to the marketing department.

2012 – Disaster movie. Not sure what year it takes place in. John Cusack and Amanda Peet yelling “Look out!” a lot.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Disney’s first traditional animated movie in five years. The studio is making a big deal that its star (Anika Noni Rose) is the first African-American heroine in a Disney animated feature. Yeah, but she plays a frog!

OLD DOGS – John Travolta and Robin Williams. Robin learns he’s the father of an ex-girlfriend’s twins. TWO MEN AND TWO BABIES.

PIRATE RADIO – The movie about pirate radio in England in the 60s starring Phillip Seymour Hoffman. They keep pushing it back from season to season. This can’t be a good sign. Will I be the only one in the theater?

IT’S COMPLICATED – Danger! Danger! Nancy Meyers romcom. Expect by-the-numbers formula studio storytelling.

SHERLOCK HOLMES – Robert Downey Jr. as the super sleuth. This time Holmes is also proficient in martial-arts. Think Popeye with cocaine instead of spinach.

INVICTUS – Morgan Freeman takes a break from sleeping with his grand-daughter and his longtime mistress to portray Nelson Mandela in a film directed by Clint Eastwood.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? Hey, Hugh Grant is still around! Who knew? He stars with Sarah Jessica Parker as a married couple working things out in the Witness Protection program. They’re sent to Wyoming. Yeah, that’s where you’d send a British guy and Jewish girl to just blend in with the community.

and finally...

AVATAR – James Cameron’s long awaited $200,000,000 sci-fi epic that will either revolutionize cinema or be HEAVEN’S GATE in space.

32 comments:

Scott said...

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS: Didnt they make that movie already with Tim Allen and Kirsty Alley living with the Amish?

AVATAR: I reckon will be like King Kong. Technically impressive, make some money, but everyone will forget about it in a couple of years.

Baylink said...

Morgan Freeman is sleeping with two women at the same time?

Damn. It's good to be God.

(And you a writer...)

New Aprol! The laundry detergent with the spring-fresh scent.

(Yes, ok, I've been watching too much MadMen (and too much Madison Ave Sock Puppet Theater on Twitter... @PeggyOlson, et al))

Anonymous said...

2010 Sequel: CONVICTUS
Morgan Freeman is jailed for sleeping with his granddaughter and his granddaughter is sentenced for sleeping with a man who is older than God.

Tony said...

Scott said: AVATAR: I reckon will be like King Kong. Technically impressive, make some money, but everyone will forget about it in a couple of years.

Until it comes back in one of those weird DirecTV comercials where the characters talk to the screen.

sephim said...

PIRATE RADIO? They obviously needed to change the title so people wouldn't realise how long they've been waiting for THE BOAT THAT ROCKED.

It's HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCEROR'S STONE all over again.

Eric said...

Clint Eastwood directing Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela? The only possible bigger Oscar bait would be Steven Spielberg directing Meryl Streep as a mentally retarded Holocaust survivor.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

It would take the “Ghost of Christmas Threatening To Take My Life” to get me to see this movie.

And even then it probably wouldn't be worth seeing.

Morgan Freeman is jailed for sleeping with his granddaughter and his granddaughter is sentenced for sleeping with a man who is older than God.

That'll be the moment when Morgan Freeman takes too seriously the times he played God in the "Almighty Shit" duo of films.

The only possible bigger Oscar bait would be Steven Spielberg directing Meryl Streep as a mentally retarded Holocaust survivor.

Shhhhhhhhh, I hear that's in development. ;)

WV: squiveli - Squiggy's Italian cousin.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Yeah, that’s where you’d send a British guy and Jewish girl to just blend in with the community.

Rusty Waddlewood and Lurleen Finklestein?

(It's the best names I could come up with after spending five minutes thinking about this scenario)

WV: magadmg - Madagascar's bootleg title.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

(Sorry for the triple post. Professional procrastinator.)

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS: Didnt they make that movie already with Tim Allen and Kirsty Alley living with the Amish?

Oh god. I almost completely forgot about that one. "For Richer or Poorer" was the cursed title. Back to therapy for me. ;)

Anonymous said...

I had the displeasure of seeing Old Dogs at a test screening well over a year ago. The script could have been used for toilet paper

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

My goodness!!! This is the funniest column, ever!

“We’ll always have Tucson to Detroit with a stop in Dallas”.
...just slayed me.

Dang. You're good.

D. McEwan said...

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS –

They're making the poor goats self conscious

It does make a change though from Men Who Behave Like Goats.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL, mark 37. Somewhere Charles Dickens is trying to point out that he wrote a whole bunch of other Christmas stories. "Hey guys, how about 'The Chimes' or 'The Cricket on the Hearth'? They're good stories too."

The negative of PRECIOUS was stolen by Gollum to keep Frodo from throwing it into a volcano.

"2012 – Disaster movie."
A GIGANTIC disaster movie. It's about Sarah Palin getting elected president! "LOOK OUT!!!"

"the first African-American heroine in a Disney animated feature. Yeah, but she plays a frog!"
But it's an African-American frog.

As a lifelong devotee of Conan Doyle's SHERLOCK HOLMES stories, which were done to perfection with Jeremy Brett 20 years ago, I am so NOT looking forward to this new Holmes movie. Downey is overwhelmingly miscast, and the trailer I saw looked more like SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. They felt they needed a hunky, actiony Sherlock Holmes for a new generation, despite the original doing perfectly well for the last 130 years. The problem is that Holmes is about a guy who is smarter than everyone else, and defeats the bad guys with his brain.

They feel the kids can't relate to intelligence, so they want a Holmes who solves things with his fists, while sweat glistens on his buffed pectorals. Why didn't Basil Rathbone do a lot of sweaty shirtless scenes? Can't have stupid kids feel inferior to Sherlock Holmes.

It looks terrible.

INVECTUS. So will Nelson Mandala be a new, butch Mandala, who fights apartheid with his fists?

Laugh at and about AVATAR now. 12 years ago, everybody thought TITANIC would be a disaster that would bankrupt Hollywood.

Cameron got the last laugh then, and he may well again.

"Eric said...
Steven Spielberg directing Meryl Streep as a mentally retarded Holocaust survivor."

Schindler's Special Olympics?

Sophie's Learning Challenge?

Inglorious Retards? (That's just if Tarantino directs it)

Anonymous said...

Call me a sentimental slob, but I watch A Christmas Carol every December, usually more than once. I like to see who comes up with the best ghosts.

No way in hell do I want to see that jackass Jim Carrey doing Eddie Murphy doing Charles Dickens

Dave said...

I'm praying that 2012 is finally the disaster movie where they're unable to avert disaster and the world ends.

VW: leanie: a fat-free hot dog.

D. McEwan said...

"I wrote...
A CHRISTMAS CAROL, mark 37. Somewhere Charles Dickens is trying to point out that he wrote a whole bunch of other Christmas stories."

And after all, it's already been done to perfection ...
by Mr. Magoo. Does anyone really believe that Jim Carrey will be an improvement on Mr. Magoo?

"Dave said...
I'm praying that 2012 is finally the disaster movie where they're unable to avert disaster and the world ends."

My understanding of the film, based on what I've read about it so far is that that is EXACTLY what it is about. Honestly. I believe it is an end of the world disaster movie.

Which is why I assume it's about Sarah Palin becoming president.

At least Ted Kennedy didn't live to see it. Farewell Teddy. I watched you give a speech in person once, back in 1972. We needed your vote to get healthcare reform through.

Anonymous said...

"Old Dogs" would be more truthful if the title were "No MORE New Tricks!"

Eric said...

D. McEwan said:
"A CHRISTMAS CAROL, mark 37. Somewhere Charles Dickens is trying to point out that he wrote a whole bunch of other Christmas stories."

And after all, it's already been done to perfection... by Mr. Magoo. Does anyone really believe that Jim Carrey will be an improvement on Mr. Magoo?"

Oh, Ventura! You've done it again!

Corinne said...

"PIRATE RADIO"? What the hell?

The original title was much better. This one sounds like "Pirates of the Caribbean 4," where Jack Sparrow gets a job at WKRP in Cincinnati.

I wasn't kidding about the 4th Pirates movie...

Joe said...

I'm curious as to how Levine found out that Sherlock Holmes is skilled in the marital arts.

Hell, I'm curious as to what the Marital Arts are.

David O'Hara said...

Don't care how much money Titanic made, it's still a piece of crap.

And good by Teddy...you got away with manslaughter. All us liberals will drink to that!

mcp said...

David O'Hara said... And good by Teddy...you got away with manslaughter. All us liberals will drink to that!

Oh, come on! That's water under the bridge.

And with that, the most told Chappaquiddick joke is retired.

Tom Quigley said...

THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS -- subtitled "And the PETA Members Who Love Them"...

A CHRISTMAS CAROL -- Can't wait to see 6'3" Jim Carrey's attempt to portray Tiny Tim... Special guest appearance by Jenny McCarthy as The Ghost of Christmas Lewd who ends up hanging from Scrooge's mantelpiece stuffed in a festive holiday bodystocking...

OLD DOGS – John Travolta and Robin Williams... Aptly named. How many years has it been since either of these guys had a hit?...

PIRATE RADIO -- Free radio hits the UK airwaves. Only one problem -- all the dj's sound like Truman Capote...

SHERLOCK HOLMES -- The master detective manages by some miracle to discover one crime after another when he keeps getting stoned and accidentally wandering into the wrong houses...

Looks like another season for stopping by Blockbuster on a weekly basis...

Mel Ryane said...

The trailer for DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? confirms the adage, "listen to your instincts."
Hugh Grant used to tease the media about how he really didn't care for being an actor and was likely soon to retire...he SHOULD HAVE. He's doing a parody of Hugh Grant.

Paul said...

I saw the 16 minutes of Avatar preview footage, and honestly, take away the impressive 3D technology and it's basically "Dances With Wolves" with blue cat people.

Emily Blake said...

I would allow Robert Downey's Sherlock Holmes to practice his marital arts on me.

Even with the cocaine addiction.

mrswing said...

A prophet isn't about an Arab jail, it's about a North-African delinquent thrown in a French jail who becomes a major gang boss through his brilliant mind and ruthlessness. Apparently one of the best films of the year...

Word verification: Uppona.

Once Uppona time...

D. McEwan said...

"Joe said...
I'm curious as to how Levine found out that Sherlock Holmes is skilled in the marital arts."

Apparently Sherlock's relationship with Watson is finally coming out of the closet. They're now officially "Domestic Partners." Now we know why the Mormons were the villains in A STUDY IN SCARLET. Hey, I'd gay marry Jude Law in a New York minute.

"David O'Hara said...
Don't care how much money Titanic made, it's still a piece of crap."

A piece of crap that made back all of its then-record budget, plus a substantial profit, and won a shitload of Oscars. You've got Cameron crying all the way to the bank. A mouse may mock a king.

"David O'Hara also said...
And good by Teddy...you got away with manslaughter. All us liberals will drink to that!"

And the Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld cabal got away with mass murder.

Deasr Davis, Fuck You, you piece of shit.
Love, Douglas.

WV; dachin: where I'd like to punch David O'Hara.

i'mnotnotbebeneuwirthcuzmanshecandance said...

Dearest Emily Blake~
Yeah??! Well. Bring it, sister!!!
I would let Robert Downey Jr. put his sherlock any where he wanted.
So, how 'bout that, huh? That's right!!!!
Mrs. Downey probably appreciates our lusty loins but probably doesn't appreciate the coke assumption/ allegation as our beloved Bobby boy is clean as a whistle these days....well, you know what I'm talking about.
Emily, really, you made me laugh out loud.

word verification: dankers
which means that Emily and I have the dankers for Downey.

David O'Hara said...

D McEwan (Kanobe?)

I was no fan of Bush and Co. But even using your knee-jerk 'logic' I still can't quite see how that makes Kennedy not quilty of manslaughter. Is the woman he killed also "water under the bridge"? Tell that to her surviving friends and family.

Think punching me might make might exonornate Teddy?...kinda sounds like Bush logic to me.

WV: ovetards Close enough discription of McEwanknanobes' metal agility.

D. McEwan said...

The day the country mourns The Lion of the Senate, whose over 40 years of doing good works ought to be enough atonement for anyone, is not the day to drag up Chappaquiddick, you piece of crap. Go into a Boston bar today, and call Teddy a killer. Someone will punch you out for me.

Though thanks for honoring my "metal agility." I'm paticularly good with steel.

And to repeat myself: Fuck you."

Anonymous said...

"PIRATE RADIO" was called "The Boat That Rocked" when it showed on my Air Canada flight back from Honolulu to Vancouver a few weeks ago! Is this the new way of testing movies???

Anonymous said...

D McEwan said: "The problem is that Holmes is about a guy who is smarter than everyone else, and defeats the bad guys with his brain.

They feel the kids can't relate to intelligence, so they want a Holmes who solves things with his fists..."

I don't know if you read the same Holmes books as I did. He knew multiple martial arts and was an amature boxer. I remember Sherlock getting in quite a few fights and always winning.