Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Holiday Movie Preview!!

Ho ho ho! It's time for this year's Holiday Movie Preview, or what you'll be seeing on HBO in February.

THE MESSENGER – Ben Foster just back from Iraq gets a fun job in the Army’s Casualty Notification service. And you thought those telemarketers were annoying…

OH MY GOD! – Documentary about faith where some of the world’s leading thinkers are interviewed – like Ringo Starr.

PIRATE RADIO – Hey, they finally released it! For a synopsis see my previous Fall, Summer, Spring, and Winter previews.

2012 – The world blows up. So take out those 30-year loans with big balloon payments in five years. Who gives a shit?

UNCERTAINTY – SLIDING DOORS but with coin flips.

WOMEN IN TROUBLE – Damn! No it’s not a women-in-prison movie. When are we going to get more of those? This is a comedy about the lives of ten women intersecting over the course of a day. Why can’t they do the same movie but they’re incarcerated?

RED CLIFF – Cut down from its original five-hour version, this is the story of China’s Han Dynasty. Now it’s half that length. They took out the whole vase industry thing.

BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS – I hope Nick Cage has better luck picking movie roles than business managers.

THE BLIND SIDE – Sandy Bullock takes in a homeless black kid who grows up to be a pro football player and he has the heartbreaking task of telling Ms. B. she’s too uh, “mature” to be one of the team’s cheerleaders.

BROKEN EMBRACES – the 149th collaboration between Pedro Almodovar and Penelope Cruz. This time she plays… aw, what difference does it make?

PLANET 51 – The Rock gets to really show off his acting chops. Animated movie about little green men.

STATEN ISLAND – What happens when the ferry’s late?

ME AND ORSON WELLES – Not a remake of JOSIE AND THE WHALE. This stars HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL’S Zac Efron as an actor in the 30s who talks his way into Welles’ Mercury Theater group. Most people have heard of either Zac Efron or Orson Welles. I wonder how many people have heard of both?

NINJA ASSASSIN – Korean superstar Rain stars in what I assume is a martial arts movie.

OLD DOGS – John Travolta and Robin Williams as two guys who have to baby-sit two seven-year-olds. God, haven’t we seen this movie two hundred times already? A better title might be OLD TRICKS.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Disney’s hand-drawn animated film. Should be enchanting, magical, and holiday fun for the whole family. And then a ride.

More tomorrow.

15 comments:

D. McEwan said...

"THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Disney’s hand-drawn animated film. Should be enchanting, magical, and holiday fun for the whole family. And then a ride."

Are you certain it wasn't a ride first?

Disny has been loudly trumpeting that this is Disney's first Black animated heroine. They have to tell you, because you can't tell by looking at her. She looks just like all their other Princesses, only with a bit of spray-on tan, though less than Levi Johnston used during his Playgirl shoot, and she still appears to be a princess of a medeaval European court.

And the Frog is their first green prince.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

Robin Williams AND John Travolta in the same movie? Why bother? I would have skipped it with only one of them in it.

Michael Zand said...

Tried to put "Stanton Island" on my Netflix queue and came up with "Staten Island." Is that what you meant?

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Most people have heard of either Zac Efron or Orson Welles. I wonder how many people have heard of both?

Right here.

jbryant said...

Funny stuff as usual, though I did scratch my head over the Almodovar/Cruz bit. Of his 30-odd directorial efforts, only 5 feature Cruz, and one of those is an 8-minute short.

olucy said...

A porn star, a stripper and a therapist walk into a bar... well, at least they do in Women in Trouble. This movie has a great cast and is hilarious. Can't recommend it enough.

Mike Bell said...

I thought it was Jon Cena in "Planet 51." Wait a minute. Am I actually posting this?


WV: Prousnel. The new breakfast spread for deep thinkers.

Anonymous said...

i see nothing that can pry me away from my Star Trek blu-ray.

KEN LEVINE said...

Please don't use my comments section as a way to promote your blog or website. I had to delete a couple of comments that did. Thank you.

blogward said...

Oh christ. I thought these were made up at first.

WV: requispi = failed version of Pepsi that was supposed to be issued to the US Army.

Buttermilk Sky said...

I have nothing to add, but my verification word is WINGS. I swear.

sephim said...

I hate the title 'Pirate Radio'... it sounds so fucking clinical, not to mention that people may go to this thinking it's a radio play version of the sub-awful Christopher Atkins cheese-piece 'Pirate Movie'... then why are these people going to a cinema to listen to the radio? Wait, I haven't thought this joke through...

Mike Bell said...

Nope, I was wrong. Roger Ebert says it IS The Rock in "Planet 51." Oh gawd, I did it again, didn't I? Posted something about a wrassler in the open. Damn.

Matt Patton said...

PIRATE RADIO was originally THE BOAT THAT ROCKED. Under that title, it became the target of considerable venom from film critics (maybe it's a bad film, maybe everyone was jealous that Richard Curtis knows Julia Roberts). Perhaps the suits at Universal thought that by re-titling it, they could sneak it by anyone in the U.S. who likes movies and has an internet connection.

As for the DJ's on these "pirate" radio stations, they were pretty much hired en masse by the BBC in about 1968, where they went from being cultural heroes to major bores rather quickly. Except for Kenny Everett. Kenny Everett was many things, but he was never boring.

sephim said...

Matt, being Australian I had the fortune of watching THE BOAT THAT ROCKED without the supposed US only "cuts" and would have to say it's not a bad movie, and not really a movie either, just a series of comedic vignettes held together by Kenneth Branagh playing a governmental prick to perfection trying to shut down the boat.

LOVE ACTUALLY was made in pretty much the same way, with the theme of Christmas holding the stories together, but nobody complained about that because in the end the movie was just no NICE.