Monday, July 19, 2010

Let Steve Jobs determine YOUR sexual preference!!

Along with finding nearby Ethiopian restaurants and local weather you can now determine your sexual compatibility thanks to a nifty new app for iPhones, iPods, iPads, iAnything that starts with a P.

The app is called BOINK (a term originated on CHEERS by the way. That and “pond scum” thank you very much.)

You fill out a very detailed sexual survey then bump devices (already that sounds sordid) with your potential partner. And it will compare answers and determine whether you two are right for each other in the sack.

Boy, I wish I had this back in my early dating days. All these tedious first dates listening to her yammer on endlessly about how much fun quilting is and trying to glean from that whether she likes reverse cowgirl or is willing to perform oral sex on the freeway. And how much money would I have saved? Should I buy that second bottle of wine for $37? A quick bump would let me know I could pour 100 gallons of Merlot down her gullet and I still wouldn’t get into her pants.

There are some bug with this app though. (Like with the new iPhone4 Steve Jobs might want to give out free protective cases – in this instance to prevent unwanted pregnancies). First off, everybody lies in sex surveys. Yes, I have sex 30 times a week. Yes, I love to cuddle. Guys in particular probably check off “yes” to everything.

And then of course, both parties must be Apple users. What happens when you’re attracted to a super hot guy but he’s got an Evo? Or the woman of your dreams uses a Kindle? Do you really want to mate out of your species?

And are people really going to act or not act based on the results? You’re telling me a priest is going to leave some alter boy alone because their profiles just don’t perfectly jibe?

Also, how accurate can this app be? Seems to me if two people have both filled out detailed sex surveys and are willing to compare them, they’ve already got one hand on each others genitals.

And here’s the creepiest feature of all. BOINK lets you share your experiences with the world. It has the option to share "boinks" with friends through email, Facebook or Twitter. Yikes! Am I the only one who thinks that’s a certain invasion of privacy? I mean, I’m happy for my friend that he found a fellow electric wine enema fetishist but I really don’t want to get a Tweet about it. And again, isn’t the church in enough trouble?

My other big fear: What if you fill out the questionnaire and your iPhone determines you’re not even sexually compatible to yourself? How much Apple Care will you need to overcome that psychic blow?

On the other hand, this app does have its merits. Besides the ones I've already mentioned, Al Gore might be in a lot less trouble today if he bumped with that masseuse. And I bet Oksana Grigorieva would have saved herself a lot of grief if Mel had just checked off “yes” to “liking to give my partner verbal, physical, and emotional abuse and call her the C-Word continuously.

But really? Do you need a phone app to determine that Courtney Love is not right for you?

Still, the app is free so what the hell? I just wonder how you bring it up in conversation. I imagine if you say to a girl “Do you have BOINK?” she’s going to think you’re Latka from TAXI.

If you do have this app and use it and it works I would love to hear about it. Maybe BOINK will become a big sensation. Here’s how we’ll know: There will be one of those Mac/PC commercials. The PC guy will boast that the PC has the most memory of any computer and the Mac guy will counter that he gets blowjobs.

16 comments:

amyp3 said...

"Yikes! Am I the only one who thinks that’s a certain invasion of privacy?"

It's a generational thing. Maybe. Or just a Horribly Self-involved Narcissist Idiot thing.

Mary Stella said...

I can just see the marketing campaign for this App. Playing off the Applie theme, while the serpent looks on, Eve reaches up into the Tree of Knowledge, pulls down two iPhones and hands one to Adam so they can Boink.

media_lush said...

I used to use "boink" way before Cheers... mind you that was in the UK.... it was a similar to the word "shag" but considered less vulgar

Paul said...

I met my wife through Boink. I boinked her when she wasn't looking, and she found it charming.

Gary said...

From Dictionary.com

boink definition

/boynk/ [ Usenet: variously ascribed to the TV series "Cheers" "Moonlighting", and "Soap"] 1. To have sex with; compare bounce. (This is mainstream slang.) In Commonwealth hackish the variant "bonk" is more common.

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I used boink and pond scum before I ever heard of Cheers. We had a saying in the service: The Army is like a pond, all the scum rises to the top.

Wallis Lane said...

By the way, the Electric Wine Enema Fetishists are playing at the House of Blues on Friday.

They're opening for Boink Against the Machine.

Anonymous said...

My etymology has been wrong all these years. I thought it was Bruce and Cybil who first used "boink" on MOONLIGHTING.

So thanks to those at CHEERS who were responsible. It's such a useful term, such a friendly word. I can imagine "I'd like to boink her groggy" but "Boink you, asshole!"? Naw, doesn't work.

YEKIMI said...

everytime I try to boink I get a "404 Error-Penis Not Found"

Tom Quigley said...

This brings a whole new meaning to the term "phone sex"... Wonder if you can now program heavy breathing and squealing moans of ecstacy as ringtones when the survey tells you you've finally met that special person?... The one who's also into doing it while hanging from a set of uneven parallel bars....

J S Swanson said...

I'm guessing that any guy who downloads the Boink app to his iPhone 4 is already way too familiar with "The Death Grip " ..

Tim W. said...

"And then of course, both parties must be Apple users. What happens when you’re attracted to a super hot guy but he’s got an Evo? Or the woman of your dreams uses a Kindle? Do you really want to mate out of your species?"

I mean really, why on earth would you want to go out with someone who DIDN'T own an iPod or iPhone?

cb said...

did you see that...? Jackie Swanson - still funny. yay.

Stephen Gallagher said...

I mean, I’m happy for my friend that he found a fellow electric wine enema fetishist...

Your friend.

Riiiight.

Rebecca said...

Hilarious post! Needs a beverage warning. I especially love this line:

"You’re telling me a priest is going to leave some alter boy alone because their profiles just don’t perfectly jibe?"

Priceless!

Anonymous said...

My husband still quotes Carla with the "time for my birthday boink" line (or some rendition of it!)

"Death Grip" humor - funny!