Sunday, November 03, 2013

A look back... at a GREAT awards show

Is there anything more deliciously absurd than the AVN awards Juxtapose class and elegance with the porn industry and you have the most hilarious television event of the year!  This is a re-post of one of my favorite entries -- reviewing the 2010 AVN Awards (that were actually televised). 

WARNING and SPOILER ALERT: What follows contains graphic language, sexual content, and winners of many major categories like “Best Anal” are revealed.

The evening started gloriously with the red carpet show. Co-hosted by porn queens selected more for the way they hold the microphone versus what they say into it, Jessica Drake and Jesse Jane got the stars to really open up (as it were). We learned that Bree Olson got her screaming green gown at a wedding store in Indianapolis for two hundred bucks (Sarah Jessica Parker -- take note for next year's Oscars). We learned that female porn stars prefer working with Evan Stone because “He likes to have sex with women.”

Another popular male star among his thesps was Eric Everhard. Do you think Eric is his real name?

Also co-hosting was Dave Navarro, a guy who looked shockingly like the devil and left visible slime trails when he walked on the red carpet . In interviewing the “Burning Angel Crew”—four hard-looking tatted trollops in Army Surplus prom dresses – Davie paid them the ultimate compliment, “Damaged little tattoo girls are the hottest thing”.

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Kristin Price was asked about her gown and said, “I got this at ‘I can’t pronounce it’.”

Sasha Grey, who also doubled as the “fashion expert” (an honor bestowed upon her because her gown didn’t look slept in) asked Tori Black what she was wearing and Tori answered, “A dress”. I guess when you wear one so rarely it’s a big deal. I guess when you wear anything so rarely it’s a big deal.

Pictured right are "fashion expert" Sasha Grey and Lucifer.

Dave Attel hosted the show, which is a desperate career call for help. And worse, Margaret Cho was a presenter. Not even a co-host; it was her, a male star, and a transsexual giving out some group sex award. And I thought it was sad when Margaret had that bad sitcom on ABC.

Kagney Linn Karter won Best New Starlet. Considering the lifespan of a porn career she could also win a Lifetime Achievement award at the same ceremony.

Sasha Grey was the big winner of the evening. "Best Anal" AND "Best Oral", thus displaying her versatility as an artist. Sasha had won Best Oral once before and in her acceptance speech admitted that, “I must be really talented in this.”

Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews. SHOWTIME went to no expense to produce this extravaganza. Sasha said to her, “I just won Best Oral Sex Scene and I can’t remember who the guy was.”

I'm not making any of this up. Honest.

Later, when Sasha won for "Best Anal" she proudly announced she never uses Vicodin.

Performing anal is not easy we learned from one of the presenters. It “requires the ability to abstain from food 24 hours before the scene.” Maybe that’s why anal isn’t for everybody.

There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??

I did pretty well in the office pool this year. ASS WORSHIP 11 was money for me! I shouldn’t have bet on JON & KATE FUCK 8 but I did win with ANAL CAVITY 6. By the way, what didn’t they find in ANAL CAVITY 1-5??

Sunny Leone (pictured right) was the best dressed. Is there such a thing as a mini-formal? Her gown was so short you would know whether she had a Brazilian. That said, it was very tasteful. And it fit her great, although she did admit she had to double-tape her tits. Sam Rubin never gets that kind of great information out of the stars.

I love who gets thanked during AVN acceptance speeches. One platinum bimbo said, “Thanks to all the guys who DP’d me.” A male star saluted the fans. “You watch my movies. You jerk off…” A girl-on-girl winner, Tori Black to her co-star Lexi Belle: “Thank you for licking my box so nicely.” Tori went on to win another award and said, “I’d like to thank everybody who let me fuck them over the last couple of years.” When has Meryl Streep ever delivered an acceptance speech that poignant?

Several awards were not shown on television. So just to get you up to speed… “Best Specialty Release, Other Genre” – ASSES OF FACE DESTRUCTION 5, “Best Squirting Release” – SQUIRT GANGBANG 4, and “Clever Title of the Year” – WHO’S NAILIN’ PAYLIN’?,

One of the categories was “Best Anal Release”. Isn’t that maybe the worst name for an award ever??

But my favorite moment of the night came during the “Best Actor” award. One of the presenters said this (word for word): “There’s a thing called acting chops, which is different from fucking. True acting is when a man can blow his entire load all over a woman’s face and still remember his lines.”

Poetry. Sheer poetry.


emily said...

I need to run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Hamid said...

Now, Ken, are you deliberately trying to provoke Nell?

Back in my more immature days, making up porn titles based on mainstream films was something friends and I would do. Forrest Hump, Pulp Friction, Thighs Wide Shut, Raiders of the Lost Ass.

And then there are those which already sound like pornos. Fist of Fury, The Beaver, Furry Vengeance.

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

I must now go to YouTube and watch Bob Hope host the Oscars 10+ times just to reset my moral compass...


Joshua B. said...

"There’s a Best Make-Up category. Why??"

Have you not seen this "Porn Stars Without Makeup" slideshow on HuffPo? Porn makeup artists are absolutely vital. (SFW)

Anonymous said...

you seem to going through a phase... first the Zooey pic, now this. People are gonna start to talk.

While it's fun to look down on and poke fun at the adult entertainment industry, I'll say this about the AVNs: the people there are more honest and less whorish than those at the Oscars/Emmys/Golden Globes/etc... They're even nicer people.

And there's a lot less ass fucking going on than in Hollywood.

Eric J said...

Ken's reviews cover the entire spectrum from the best down through the worst. Some people squirm and need to take a shower when Ron Jeremy is mentioned. Some are more tolerant and don't cringe until Adam Sandler is mentioned.

Aaron Sheckley said...

I have to go along with Anonymous on this one. At least porn producers are honest about the product that they are making. Frankly, I'd rather spend an afternoon talking to Ron Jeremy than Michael Bay. The only difference between porn producers and mainstream blockbuster movie producers is that porn producers openly admit to pandering to their audience, while people like Bay like to pretend that they are creating art, instead of a two and a half hour explosion that is occasionally interrupted by boobies.

Don K. said...

Has anyone yet pointed out that Dave Navarro is a rather well respected rock guitarist, a member at various times of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Guns and Roses and Jane's Addiction, which this past week got a star on the Hollywood Walk of fame?

Cap'n Bob said...

I stumbled onto one of these shows years ago and found it hilarious. Great report, Ken.

Lance Thrustwell said...

1. Yes, makeup is used by the performers in adult films, just as in any other video production.

2. The makeup work is usually done by professionals, moonlighting to pick up a few extra bucks. It's often the same with the sound guy, the camera guy, the lighting guy. This kind of work tends not to make our resume, though.

3. Speaking from experience, no one's career as a makeup artist is complete until you've done touch-up work on a performer's ass.

normadesmond said...

this was televised?

why didn't it win an emmy?

Paul Duca said...

Navarro also hosts some competition reality show for tattoo artists.

Anonymous said...

translation, Nell go away.

Igor said...

"Porn princess McKenzie Lee handled backstage interviews."


Ron said...

Speaking from experience, no one's career as a makeup artist is complete until you've done touch-up work on a performer's ass.

Ugh. Jesus, dude, I understand about moonlighting for extra cash, but are you really sure that making up some dude's ass so it'll look good for the camera is better than working the cash register at Walgreen's for a few hours?

Pam said...

Am I the only one who had to look up "DP" ?

Spankzilla said...

how could anybody who works in Hollywood not know what DP means?

It's the position every writer has to assume when they have to deal with the Director and the Producer at the same time.

Albert Giesbrecht said...

Forrest Hump is the name of a least that is what I am led to believe.

Albert Giesbrecht said...

Forrest Hump is the name of a least that is what I am led to believe.

Breadbaker said...

I can see the scene in the senior home where the guys watching see the category "Best Anal Release" and immediately start wondering if they can be nominated next year if they could only get a little more Metamucil.

Johnny Walker said...

Interesting mix of responses!

Pretty funny stuff, though. If you can make fun of other awards shows, why not the AVN?

DW said...

Another blazingly funny view of the AVNs is 'Big Red Son', David Foster Wallace's report on the 1998 show.

Jeff said...

These days, anyone can be a porn star. Last year, a link to an X-rated Youtube-type porn site went flying around the office I work in. Seems one of the young male interns posted a video there, in which we see him, um, pleasuring himself. As appears to happen frequently with these kinds of videos, it never occurred to him that anyone he knew would see it and/or recognize him. Understandably, he was mortified, pulled down the video and wound up changing jobs, hoping that the video wouldn't follow him.

Jim said...

@Jeff: Never knew of anybody who burned himself with a homemade porn video. Do have a buddy who had an ex-girlfriend post some embarrassing stuff of him on a site like that after they broke up. She posted it and then emailed the link to a bunch of his friends. Guess she was hoping to humiliate him. Didn't work. We knew Adam was a goofball with clothes on so it wasn't any surprise that he was a goofball with his clothes off. We razzed him about it for a little while and then moved on. Good reason not to let other people own video of you naked and doing things you'd just as soon not have the whole world see you doing.

Dale said...

Well said. Dave is a legend. Jane's addiction helped save us from the 80's hair bands by producing music of substance and wild creativity.

Jack said...

My wife and I once decided it would be very erotic to make a video of ourselves having sex. It was not erotic. It was as far from erotic as it is possible to get. If you need inspiration to start using your gym membership regularly, just video yourself naked, having sex. All the body parts that stay in one place when the pros do it move all around when out-of-shape amateurs try it. I'm pretty sure that since that experience my wife and I have only had sex in a completely dark room