Today's guest blogger

Greetings! This is guest blogger John Barrymore. Yes, I’m related to Drew. For those few who don't know me (no more than three of you I’m sure), I was one of the great actors of the American stage. Marlon Brando couldn’t carry my makeup case. True, I died in 1942. But I felt the need to come back.

Well, actually this is my second time back. The first was to warn Drew not to do 50 FIRST DATES. Adam Sandler is poison! But she didn’t listen to me.

Maybe you will be smarter and heed my sage advice.

As I mentioned, I ruled Broadway and pretty much all theater. I had nothing to do with Vaudeville – that was for roustabouts who could juggle. But I was an ACTOR. How gifted? How brilliant? I played matinees when I was so stinking drunk I couldn’t stand up. Let’s see Ben Affleck do that! I would have been a war hero too except I had varicose veins and couldn’t serve. It was a great regret of mine so I played war heroes whenever I could. We all serve at the end.

So why have I returned? Why have I ventured back from the Great Beyond when I know my bar tab at Sardi's is still in the thousands? Because of all the roles I played for all the great playwrights of the time (their names escape me but they were big), I never got to act in a Ken Levine play. Some regrets you can’t just satisfy with four crates of champagne.

And now I see Kenneth's new ten-minute one act, THE FUGITIVE, has a part for someone my age (when I was that age). Some knave named Andy Goldberg got my role. Moreover, my leading lady would have been the enchanting Penny Peyser. I’ve loved her since her work on the second season of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW.

I read the play and found it to be delightful and hilarious. Way funnier than those 1913 comedies.   And only ten minutes. I could memorize a ten-minute play. Especially if I had a few months or Prohibition returned. Plus, I see it plays for four nights. So no matinees! I’d never have to worry about posting bail on time.

But you lucky people can see it this week. It’s part of the Hollywood Short + Sweet One Act festival at the Stella Adler Theatre. I don’t recall if I slept with her. I usually slept with women who had drinks named after them, not theatres.

Curtain rises at 8 tonight, Friday, and Saturday. And Sunday night at 7 (which to me IS a matinee). Ten ten-minute one acts and the audience gets to vote for their favorite. I can tell you, as the acknowledged greatest actor who ever lived (thus giving me “street cred” as you Visigoths would say), the one to vote for and definitely the one to see is THE FUGITIVE.

Discount tickets are available. Use the promo code 410 (whatever that means) and tickets are just $15. On Broadway today you can’t check in your top hat and ascot for that price. Go here for details and tickets. (I do know about the internet. In heaven we get the Cloud. It’s AT&T that still has shitty reception.)

So all I ask, besides buying tickets, and voting for Ken’s play, is that you picture me in the role Andy Goldberg got only because he’s alive. Thank you, and remember: don’t drink and sword-fight.