The best testing story EVER

But first – the current testing process and how it works.

I tell any producer that has a pilot – do not (repeat) DO NOT go to the testing session. Picture the George Clooney torture scene in SYRIANA. That’s what it’s like if your testing goes well.

An audience is recruited. Only people who need four tries to pass their written drivers license test are eligible. They file into a screening room, their knuckles dragging on the ground. The producers are on the other side of a two-way mirror. You scan the group. Tattoos on their eyelids, mouth breathers, no foreheads. You’ve worked for a year on this pilot and these are the people who will decide its fate.

They’re each given remotes. As they watch your show they’re asked to twist a dial to indicate their level of interest and approval. Ten minutes are required to give these complicated instructions.

You see the ongoing graphs. Blue for boys. Pink for girls. A rising blue graph means you have a lot of tit jokes.

After the screening they’re divided into two groups depending on sex. I think they should be divided by species but that’s just me.

Each group is led into a conference room where a moderator questions them. You watch unseen. And now these people who have never in their lives been asked their opinions about anything suddenly become Tom Shayles. Even if they laughed uproariously at your pilot they now have problems with it. I think back to one of my pilots.

The girl with the nose ring hated the lead actress. Why? “She wore that red dress.” The guy with the SHIT HAPPENS T-shirt thought the lead guy was a weak character. Why? “He drove a Passat.” When a woman was asked what her favorite new show was she said COSBY. This was in 2004.

I somehow managed to drive home while in a fetal position.

I wouldn’t mind testing if networks didn’t place such a reliance on it. If it was just used as a tool, another form of input (like studio audiences) that would be fine. Even welcomed. But all too often it’s not. All too often it’s the determining factor.

And even that would be okay except for one thing – they’re usually wrong!!! EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT (yanked after one airing) tested well. STACKED tested well (duh!). Every cancelled show had high test scores. I dunno. There’s got to be a better way.

****

Okay, now the best testing story ever.

In 1939 the movie NINOTCHKA (directed by Ersnt Lubitsch, written by Billy Wilder & Charles Brackett) was being tested in a theatre in Long Beach. Following the screening the audience was asked to fill out comment cards. Lubitsch and Wilder were reading the cards in the back of the limo on their way home. Lubitsch read one and burst out laughing. He showed it to Wilder. It said:

“This movie was hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost peed into my girlfriend’s hand”.

Alec Baldwin: father of the year

In case you haven't heard this delightful rant by now, here's Alec Baldwin's phone message to the obvious love of his life, his eleven year old daughter. Just click here.

Gee, and he's so charming and funny on interviews. And he's talented and can do voices...

If I were on SURVIVOR

With SURVIVOR: FIJI heading for the final turn I wondered -- what would I do if I were on SURVIVOR? Probably this...

I’d have to give up my religion. Jews don’t camp. And they’d never go to the tropics if there were no cabanas.

For my luxury item I might bring a porta-potty.

I would try to vote off Jeff Probst.

I would write phony tree mail and watch my tribe mates frantically dig up the beach looking for a bogus immunity medallion.

I would fake injuries.

I would start making alliances on the boat ride over to the island.

I would bribe people for everything.

I would tell the producers my name was “Sawyer” and my profession was “Confidence Man”.

They always show close ups of lizards and toads and scurrying crabs. While the rest of the tribe starved or shared one stinking papaya I would eat one of those.

I would lobby to get our tribe name changed to the “Fighting Irish”.

If I ever won a rewards challenge that featured a feast on some yacht or gorgeous luxury hideaway and was allowed to bring one other person – it would always be the pretty girl.

I would not gorge myself with chocolate after not eating anything for three days. The result would be two doubled over nights on my luxury item.

When Jeff asks “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” I’d answer, “Wanna rephrase that just once because you get paid a ton of money and the least you could do is not spout the same idiotic catch phrases every freaking week?”

Another luxury item I might bring is a polygraph machine.

I would tell the producers that Keira Knightley is my girlfriend so they’d bring her over to visit me.

If I won a panel truck I would not sleep in the back of it with my mother. (What were you thinking, Colby??)

I would try to parlay my appearance on SURVIVOR to get a co-hosting job on the VIEW.

If it got down to me and a woman for the final two, if she wins I would immediately propose to her.

The TV Set

There’s a movie out in Los Angeles called THE TV SET. It’s playing on two screens. It’s also playing in other parts of the country… on five other screens. That’s the distributor’s idea of “going wide”. It seems ridiculous to review a movie that no one will see but someday it might be on IFC or MyNetworkTV (renamed for them: “Sitcom Sluts Beauty Intl. Swimsuit Pageant.”)

The film is dark comedy about a writer’s nightmare attempt to shepherd a network pilot to completion without compromising the show or his soul. It stars David Duchovny. Even though I figured it would be like watching Vietnam flashbacks I ran to the theater to see it, even passing up EXTERMINATING ANGELS which was playing on the screen next door and according to the reviews featured a lot of hot girl-on-girl action and French women pleasuring themselves. But no, I sent to see a movie about script notes.

THE TV SET’s heart is in the right place. Certainly a movie that shines a light on the struggles TV writers go through is a worthy project. Next to global warming, I personally find it to be the next most important issue we face as a people. And the writer/director, Jake Kasden is the son of Lawrence Kasden so he comes from a good Hollywood bloodline.

But I just wish it were better. Especially when my option was the French L-Word next door.

You can predict the premise. A writer (Duchuvny) has a sitcom pilot and at every turn (script, casting, title) the network makes him change it for the worse. Sigorney Weaver, as the network president, is funny for the first ten minutes but then is so broad and one-note that she becomes tedious. One gets the feeling she’s not nearly as funny as she thinks she is.

As someone who has been in Duchuvny’s predicament too many times I know it’s a fine line you walk. You want to preserve your vision yet you don’t want to be branded as difficult. You have to pick your fights. It’s tricky. And not every network note is a bad one nor every network executive a blithering idiot. But at some point you have to stand up for what you believe in. Two reasons:

1) You’re the one who is going to have sit in a room until 3:00 AM every night trying to make the stinkburger work. And…

2) You might as well do your show since if it doesn’t go you’ll still take the blame even if you followed the network’s notes to the letter. NEVER will you hear a network exec say, “Sorry. We really took you down a wrong path. You had a good idea and we ruined it. What can we do to make it up to you?”

In the movie, Duchovny just keeps taking the abuse, never putting his foot down, so after awhile you want to give him business cards that say “executive network little bitch”.

But THE TV SET’s biggest failing is that it’s not that funny. Some chuckles for those in the 310 and 818 area codes but the “non pros” would be far better entertained by Gigi and Nicole on the next screen reenacting my bachelor party.

At the end of the day THE TV SET, is just a pale version of 1989’s THE BIG PICTURE. Directed by Christopher Guest and written by Guest and his cronies, THE BIG PICTURE is a dead-on hilarious satire of the film business. It stars Kevin Bacon (what didn’t in the late 80’s?) and has some inspired performances, notably by J.T. Walsh and Martin Short. Order it from Netflix TODAY.

But one thing from THE TV SET does ring true. Once you get the word that your pilot has been greenlit to shoot that’s when your insomnia begins. But at least the next time it happens to me and I’m up at 3:00 a.m. EXTERMINATING ANGELS should be out on DVD.

Shameless plug: For a first hand look of what it's really like in a writing room, the Sitcom Room seminar is now sign-upable. Details in the post below. Thanks.

The Sitcom Room is open!

You can now sign up for my two day comedy writing workshop, the Sitcom Room.

It will be held in Los Angeles on July 21-22. For two days you’ll experience what it’s like to actually be in a writing room. I’ll have actors to perform your scene and drive you crazy. I’ll have studio and network notes. Instruction and guidance. Camaraderie and much laughter. When you’re not pulling your hair out by the roots you will be having a helluva time.

For details and sign up information please click on our website Sitcomroom.com.

We’re limiting it to 15 participants and already more than half of the slots have been taken. If this was an informercial I’d say “So you don’t forget, order by midnight tonight” but those offers usually give you free pocket fishermen or Slim Whitman CD’s as a bonus and I don’t have any of that crap.

Hope to see you in July. And a big thanks to everyone who has already signed up.

An actual entertaining post will go up shortly.

Sanjaya, we hardly knew ya

The great American practical joke is over. Sanjaya Malakar has been voted off of AMERICAN IDOL. Not since last November has the VoteForTheWorst website had such a dark night. When they announced the bottom three and LaKisha was there I thought, ooooh, maybe I will see her go medieval on his skinny ass.

But a few thoughts as Sanjaya dries his tears and gets ready to hit the talk show circuit, start his own line of hair products, begin a series of plastic surgeries, and assume the role as the new King of Pop.

The judges selected him in the original auditions to go to Hollywood.

The judges selected him to advance past the Hollywood round, passing on a lot of terrific singers in the process.

Every year there seems to be one flyweight contestant in the top ten who somehow manages to survive long past his/her expiration date. Remember John (Sinatra before puberty) Stephens? And Carmen (Simon had to be porking her) Rasmussen?

Sanjaya is not stupid. He knew how to attract attention. So does the idiot who tries to ride a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon but still. If part of becoming a celebrity is making an impression Sanjaya could be the next Madonna. (Actually, he could be the next Madonna anyway). Credit where credit is due. If you see Hillary Clinton start to sport a pony-hawk you’ll know why.

Finally, how symbolic was that ending? He's voted off and then cut off right in the middle of his swan song. The Gods of Fame giveth and taketh away.

And now we can finally turn our attention to the viable candidates – the ones with the legitimately good voices and all-American personalities -- and realize, Jesus, they’re boring.

AMERICAN IDOL this week

It was Country night on AMERICAN IDOL although, judging by the wardrobe the final 7 selected, it might as well have been Tony Orlando night. I’m not saying they all had to wear spurs but come on, Jews dress more country! Where were the Levi’s? The suspenders? The boots? Where were the fringe and rhinestones? At least on Ryan.

Martina McBride was the mentor. She looked fabulous, gave great advice, and the best moment of the show (maybe the season) was when she said “far klempt”.

I wasn’t familiar with some of the songs and they all sounded similar to me so I just assigned titles of actual country songs I know.

Phil Stacey got the evening going in fine style with “How Can I Kiss the Lips at Night that Chewed My Ass All Day Long”. I thought he was fantastic. Great voice, felt comfortable. But if ever anybody needed a cowboy hat! This week, in keeping with the country theme, Phil reminded me of Bruce Dern in all those westerns playing the psychotic deranged son. A typical Bruce Dern line: “Can I kill her, daddy? Can I can I can I?”

I’m sorry Haley Scarnato was voted off. I can just see her as Daisy Mae.

Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night singing “You Stuck My Heart In an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log”. I’ll go Simon one better and say she WILL be the next American Idol.

Shouldn’t SOMEBODY wear a cowboy hat? Or even a flannel shirt? None of these kids starred in OKLAHOMA in Jr. High??

Sanjaya looked like the guy with the squgee bottle and rag who approaches your car at a traffic light. Will somebody tell him that country night doesn’t mean “third world country” night? Yes, they wore red scarves in westerns, but it was the bandits who wore them over their mouths. And that’s EXACTLY what Sanjaya should have done because, as Simon correctly said, he was “utterly horrendous”. Sanjaya attempted to sing “How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?” (which is what most of America is saying too) and reached a new low. Props to Simon for saying it was funny for a few weeks but it’s time to get rid of this weasel already.

The little spat between Simon and Ryan over Simon’s harsh criticism felt real. And thus FUN. That’s what people want to see in a live show – unexpected moments… and Haley’s legs.

By the way, the audience is instructed to loudly boo when Simon criticizes a singer.

LaKisha Jones was clearly out of her element singing the Carrie Underwood hit, “Drop Kick Me Jesus, Through the Goalposts Of Life”. Usually the question is not 'will she give a good performance'? It’s 'will her tits fall out of that dress'? The answer to both questions was no.

Randy’s catchphrase this week was “So check it out.” Save money. Just put a parrot on Simon’s shoulder. In fact, save more money. Replace Paula with a goldfish.

Chris Richardson was boring even though he did the classic, “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”. He was obviously pissed at Simon for saying he was nasal. He defended singing through your nose as a deliberate style. Just as bleeding out of your eye is a definite emotional choice.

The Virginia Tech tragedy needed to be acknowledged and was. But I question Chris bringing it up just when Ryan was announcing the number to vote for him. One might, possibly, maybe, perhaps get the impression he was using that to get votes. He wasn’t I’m sure. But one could somehow, if he wanted to, through some wild stretch of the imagination, get that impression.

Melinda Doolittle did a lot with “If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will.” Simon was right. Time to drop the “aw shucks” routine. Vegas and now Branson calls!

Blake Lewis chose the “preppy cowboy” look. I’m trying to recall if John Wayne ever wore an argyle sweater. Oh yeah. In STAGECOACH. Sorry.

Blake sang “She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night He Was Honor and Offer.” The judges obviously didn’t see the same performance I did. They thought he was good. I thought he was awful. Clunker notes, a total disconnect with the genre. And a number of women I know claim he has “dead eyes”. I have to agree. There’s something a little off-putting about the guy that even the fourteen tattoos don’t compensate for.

My pick for the bottom two this week: Sanjaya (he was so bad even his sister is having trouble picking up that phone) and Chris. Or maybe, just maybe, LaKisha.

And if LaKisha should get voted off, since the results show is now an hour, she’ll have time to beat the living shit out of Sanjaya on live television and still be able to do her final number. Boy, will she be far klempted!

MyNetworkTV

I just recently found out there is a sixth broadcasting network. No really. There is. It’s called MyNetworkTV. I don’t know anybody who gets it but I imagine there are some stations somewhere that carry it. Don’t you think? They have a website and are mentioned in Wikipedia. There's a rumor it's on in LA but there are also rumors that Elvis is still alive.

They launched September 5, 2006. Where was I? I mean, a sixth broadcasting network. How does that just slip through unnoticed? I’ve heard of Fuse, G4, N, Logo, even something called American Life TV (home of MAN FROM UNCLE reruns… made in 1963 with a budget of about $12 per episode -- at least $2 of it for Robert Vaughn’s Brylcream). But no MyNetworkTV.

That is about to change in May. For sweeps MyNetworkTV is rolling out the big guns. On May 16 they premiere an hourlong documentary, “Anna Nicole Smith: Centerfold Revisited,” which is an update of an earlier special about Smith that MyNetwork ran (in other words, it’s unseen) followed by an hour called “Britney Spears: A Pop Idol Exposed.” Adding a touch of class to both documentaries, they’ve hired ACCESS HOLLYWOOD to produce them.

But wait! May 8th is even better! A two hour special called “The Hooters Dream Girl Challenge” (the winner gets to keep her tips, so don’t laugh – this one’s for keeps!)

On April 24th they kick it all off with hour long specials “Hawaiian Tropic Intl. Beauty Pageant” and “Ujena Bikini Jam.” I’m not making this up.

A week later come two more hour specials. “America’s Trashiest Weddings” and “Body Doubles: Intl. Twins Search.”

If any of you get MyNetworkTV can I come over? Especially on April 24th. By the way, MYNetworkTV is owned by Fox.

Oh wait…

There actually IS a station that carries it in LA? It must be way up on the dial, Channel 87 or something. Or is really licensed to San Bernardino.

Huh? Channel 13?! KCOP? One of LA’s original seven stations?

The station that used to carry the Dodgers now carries “Ujena Bikini Jam”? Seriously guys, take out an ad.

My only fear -- I hope the salacious nature of these shows doesn't tarnish the credibility of their news shows, featuring such hard-hitting journalists as Lauren Sanchez (also the host of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE), Maria Quiban...







and Gigi Graciette.


Meanwhile, Elvis must be well in his 70's by now.

Next post: my weekly recap of AMERICAN IDOL. A few of you have asked why I bother? The reason: when I do I have more viewers than MyNetworkTV.

Monday Miscellaneous

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Viva la french music video

Thanks to reader Jim for introducing us to this hilarious french video. To quote Jim:

"One of those French wins (of Eurovision) was the equally cringeworthy "Poupée de Cire, Poupée de Son" written by uber-perv Serge Gainsbourg and sung by a very innocent 17 year old France Gall in 1965.

To mark his success, Gainsbourg then wrote a song, "Les Sucettes" for young France that gives a whole new meaning to double entendre. She later claimed that she had no idea that the song could have any other meaning and that she hid in her bedroom for months after finding out. Have a look at an early video made for French TV and see what you think."

Me again: Oh yeah, really hard to see anything remotely suggestive in this song and video. I don't speak french. If you can translate the lyrics I'd love to hear 'em.

How to get Tom Hanks to star in your movie

This is a true “Hollywood” story of how my writing partner and I got Tom Hanks to star in our 1985 movie, VOLUNTEERS.

We wrote the first draft five years earlier (so far this is a typical Hollywood story). The movie centers around a preppy Yalie who ducks a gambling debt and winds up in the Peace Corps. Hilarity ensues (at least on the page). Sergeant Shriver, then the head of the Peace Corp, read it and said it was like spiting on the flag. I knew we were onto something.

The producer asked whom we thought might be good to star and we suggested this guy who at the time was in BOSOM BUDDIES on ABC – Tom Hanks. The producer scoffed. Tom Hanks couldn’t get a movie made.

We were at the same agency as Tom so for grins and giggles we sent him the script anyway. He loved it but reluctantly agreed the producer was right.

Flash forward a few years. VOLUNTEERS has gone through two studios, two directors, and nine drafts. HBO/Tristar greenlights it. Time to look for stars.

Tom had just done SPLASH. It was a huge hit. He was the Will Ferrell-of-the-month. Offered every project in town. He couldn’t find anything he liked (even BACHELOR PARTY II). So he said to his agent he had read a project about the Peace Corps several years back. What about that one? The agent said he would try to track it down but without even knowing the title it would be like finding a needle in a haystack.

ONE HOUR LATER the agent gets a call from our producer. Would Tom be interested in a Peace Corps movie? The agent almost fell on the floor. He said to messenger it right away. We did. Tom skimmed it, recognized a Margaret Dumont joke we had in there, said “Yep, this is the one” and a half hour later the deal was closed.

Pretty cool, huh?

The person really responsible for making this deal happen was Cupid because it was on VOLUNTEERS that Tom met his wife, Rita Wilson.


Hey, wait a minute. Maybe THAT should be a movie!!

AMERICAN IDOL mentor Lulu shows you how it's done

Before AMERICAN IDOL there was EUROVISION, a singing competition between European countries. It's still going strong.

In 1969 the winner was Lulu representing the U.K.with this song. Makes you wonder just how bad every other nation's entry was. I mean, "The Unicorn Song" couldn't beat this?

I'm only sorry LaKisha Jones didn't do this during British Invasion week as a tribute to mentor Lulu. As you listen to it, imagine her.

And now ladies and gentleman, the WINNER of the 1969 international EUROVISION competition...

Foto fun

I thought I'd share some amusing photos I've come across lately. If you ever see me post one of a cute kitty in a funny costume get that shotgun off the wall and put one right between my eyes.

When I was a kid growing up he used to be Big Boy. And I thought he was bragging THEN.


"Ummm... I think I want to use a Lifeline."


Now you know why your flight was delayed last Christmas.

Stan Daniels

Not every comedy writer is a loud and crazy guy. Sometimes the funniest is the quietest. One such writer was Stan Daniels. We lost Stan earlier this week. He was 72.

For years, Stan was one of the creative forces behind THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. He won eight Emmys. He also directed and composed music (he wrote the theme from PHYLLIS). People who worked with Stan usually say two things: He was incredibly talented, and how could he be in a partnership with Ed. Weinberger for so long? If ever there was a mismatch this was it. Ed was the loud and crazy guy. And volatile.

Stan was just the opposite. Soft spoken. Warm. Your kindly uncle.

But together they wrote brilliant scripts filled with inspired humor and tremendous heart.

Stan's sense of humor was always sly and wildly original. A typical joke: Lou Grant asks an elderly lady if she watches Ted Baxter. She says, "I don't watch television. I have a fireplace."

Stan later went on to co-create TAXI (among many other things) and he wrote the music and lyrics to a 1976 Broadway show, “So Long 174th St.”.

I worked with him on ALMOST PERFECT. By then he was directing. He did many of our early episodes, really establishing the tone for us, and helping the cast to gel into a cohesive unit. He was a master at finding little character moments, bits of business and behavior, and infusing humanity in every beat.

I remember when we approached him to direct our show. David Isaacs, co-creator Robin Schiff, and I took him to lunch at Art’s Deli hoping to convince him to come aboard. We were thrilled that he liked the pilot and even considered joining us. I mean, this man was a God! Every question he asked zeroed in on the heart of the series. The resulting discussion led to a lot of stories and character development. And that was vintage Stan. You always got more than you paid for.

It was a pleasure to know him, a privilege to work with him. And I still can’t imagine how he and Ed. Weinberger were a team.

Here’s the theme from PHYLLIS.

Imus in the Crowd

Hollywood loves to remake movies. Why watch the 1948 classic, “Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House” with Cary Grant when you can now see “Are We Done Yet?” with Ice Cube? So sooner or later they’ll get around to remaking Elia Kazan and Budd Schulberg’s brilliant “Face in the Crowd”. In that film, a scathing look at America in the late 50’s, Andy Griffith plays folksy minstrel Lonesome Rhodes, a charismatic performer who captures the imagination of the country while off camera shows himself to be a hateful, evil, dangerous egomaniac. At the end of the movie (50 year old SPOILER ALERT) he trips up, the nation sees him for who he really is and his career is ruined.

This is how I imagine a conference between a Hollywood studio exec and the screenwriter assigned to update “Face in the Crowd”:

STUDIO EXEC: Loved your first draft. Couldn’t put it down…other than for that NCAA championship game. Damn, I was rooting for Rutgers. What heart those gals had. Someone should option them. Anyway, loved it, it was great. Just had a few thoughts. Lonesome Rhodes was such a folksy name. I don’t know if “Don Imus” gives us that quality.

WRITER: You said to make it more urban. And there’s the subliminal message – Imus … “I’m us”.

STUDIO EXEC: Jesus, that’s brilliant. I didn’t see it. And I pride myself on that sort of thing. Hey, I bet Don is a subliminal message for “Dawn”, right?

WRITER: What?

STUDIO EXEC: He’s a morning man on the radio. Gets up at “dawn”.

WRITER: Huh? Oh. Right. Yeah.

STUDIO EXEC: Subtext. I love it. Okay, so I’m good. Now, the script itself. (leafing through pages) Talk talk talk, lots of stage direction here, hard to wade through – just a note for the future. No one in this town wants to read a book. (more leafing) He makes it big, steps on people along the way, screws over the girl – nice. Oh yeah. He’s kind of a son-of-a-bitch right on the air. Wasn’t Andy Griffith more like…uh, who am I thinking of? … Andy Griffith?

WRITER: You said this was for Pacino but okay. I’m sure Al Pacino can play Andy Griffith.

STUDIO EXEC: We put him in Levi shirts. Maybe give him a farm. He’ll be great. Now my one big problem: the ending.

WRITER: You don’t like the ending?

STUDIO EXEC: It doesn’t work. He doesn’t say anything inflammatory enough.

WRITER: Calling the Williams sisters “animals better suited for National Georgraphic than Playboy” wouldn’t piss people off?

STUDIO EXEC: Nah… not really. It should but no.

WRITER: (thrown) Okay. Well, I was going to have him just call Arabs “ragheads” on the air but thought that might be too much.

STUDIO EXEC: Too much? Try not enough.

WRITER: Are you serious?

STUDIO EXEC: These are cynical times, my friend.

WRITER: Okay, how about this? He calls his Jewish management “money-grubbing bastards”? Look at what happened to Mel Gibson.

STUDIO EXEC: Forgotten. Over. He apologized to both Diane Sawyer AND Barbara Walters. He could run for Pope. Hey, there’s one girl on Rutgers who could block a Kobe shot. Did you see her?

WRITER: Oh oh oh. What if Imus says about the Rutgers team, “That’s some nappy-headed ho’s there.”?

STUDIO EXEC: Hmmmm. Maybe. That’s promising. (beat) I dunno. He’d probably just get a suspension for that.

WRITER: For calling lovely, dedicated, hard working African-American women prostitutes? That doesn’t send out a message of extreme racism?

STUDIO EXEC: Oh, I see. Subliminal again. Like his name. But do you think the audience would really make the connection?

WRITER: Uh…YEAH! They’d protest. Sponsors would bail. Guests would bail. This would be a big deal. He’d be fired for sure. I mean, how could people possibly let him get away with saying something that vile?

STUDIO EXEC: I don’t know but okay. Try it. I don't think a big broadcasting company would ever can a guy who makes them money, but who knows? It's movie magic.

Tomorrow: a tribute to Stan Daniels

Goodbye Haley Scarnato, hello Karina Smirnoff

So long, Haley. If only you had the number to vote for you printed on the front of your hot pants Tuesday night you still might be alive. Now it’s on to Playboy magazine and the continuation of your singing career.

After attending the AMERICAN IDOL live taping Tuesday we wandered next door to DANCING WITH THE STARS to see if I could find my CHEERS buddy John Ratzenberger and give him shit.

Oh who am I kidding? I wanted to see Paulina Porizkova. I figured if I told her I almost got hepatitis at the SPORTS ILLUSTRATED swimsuit party and almost died she might not look through me when I spoke to her. Unfortunately she had been voted off. I suspect ten years of therapy will be needed to overcome this rejection.

DWTS had just wrapped and the stars were being interviewed by the media when we arrived. Alas, Ratz was nowhere to be found. Heather Mills was table hopping (I just couldn’t resist). And I did see Cliff Clavin’s partner, Edyta Sliwinska. I wanted to say I was a friend of John Ratzenberger but thought she’d roll her eyes and think that was the worst come-on line EVER.

Everyone was real excited because former champion Drew Lachey was there. I figured he was somebody. Nobody dresses like Lil’ Abner if he doesn’t have to.

Leeza Gibbons looked a lot hotter than when I’d see her picking her kid up from the Paramount Day Care Center every day. I guess she had just been voted off. She answered questions in a “sad” perky way.

Since this was a reality show I kept looking for Rob & Amber.

Karina Smirnoff (pictured) looked best of all. Just smoking in person. I wanted to ask her what her former skating partner Slavik Kryklyvyy had that I didn’t other than fifteen consonants but she was too busy telling ACCESS HOLLYWOOD that dancing promotes world peace or some such shit.

Second most beautiful was judge Carrie Ann Inaba. If Paula Abdul ever checks herself into rehab or is committed I say bring Carrie Ann over.

“Y” is the letter of the day. Every contestant seems to have one (or in the case of Kryklyvyy, 4…2 in a row), including Kym Johnson.

Is Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s nickname “eye chart”?

I also didn’t see my buddy, Clyde the Glide Drexler. I directed The Glide in an episode of BROTHER’S KEEPER (to this day he still claims that appearance was his professional highlight). I can still recall the acting note I often gave him. “No, Clyde, anything but THAT.”

Not a lot of ugly people compete on this show. Arizona pitcher Randy Johnson could defy gravity and dance like Fred Astaire on walls and ceilings and Ian Ziering in a wheelchair would be hired first.

I didn’t see Brian Fortuna but I just assumed he was in Sanjaya’s dressing room.

After seeing Billy Ray Cyrus in a screenplay reading where he played the world’s leading nuclear physicist it’s hard to take him seriously. Even as a ballroom dancer.

The set was huge. It reminded me of an elegant Austrian opera house or Harrah’s Tahoe.

I was on AMERICAN IDOL

Yes, I can now say I was on AMERICAN IDOL. Okay for four nanoseconds in a crowd shot but clearly I had the “Wow” factor during those four nanoseconds.

The show is actually done at CBS Television City. So is THE PRICE IS RIGHT and it must be strange for the pages to seat audience members who didn’t have oxygen tanks.

All cellphones and pagers are confiscated at the door. You only get them back if you promise not to vote for Sanjaya.

Once seated, pages come around with paper caps making us spit out our gum. Fifty people chew with their mouths open and it ruins it for the rest of us.

I was right! The cast from DRIVE was there. And maybe Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter. It sorta looked like her but they sat her way in the back behind the teleprompter. How the mighty have fallen when Sanjaya’s sister gets a better seat.

We were sitting right behind Sanjaya’s sister. In person she’s very hot… and still looks more masculine than him.

Wisely, there are no monitors. The audience has to watch the show not themselves. That was fine for everyone but the cast of DRIVE.

First off, a warm-up guy who looks like Lou Costello in a bowling shirt comes out and whips the audience into an absolute frenzy by giving away one T-shirt. Judging by this group, the only item that would have excited them more was a Scooter Pie.

The theme was Latin night… I think. It is so LOUD in there. Either Latin or Manhattan. You have no sense of the singers’ vocals. But there is an energy being there that more than makes up for it. I hear the same is true on THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Jennifer Lopez giving singing tips is like Eddie Griffith giving driving tips.

But at least she didn’t mentor the girls on how to choose a boyfriend.

I talked my wife out of bringing a banner that read: “HEY JEWS! YOU CAN NOW EAT BREAD AGAIN!!”

You can’t help but be impressed by how polished the show’s production is. Clearly these folks have it down.

And Ryan Seacrest makes it look easy. Fifty years from now he’ll be hosting THE PRICE IS RIGHT.

Despite what Simon said, I liked Melinda Doolittle’s rendition of “Sway”. She was very Ella.

Staff members on the show say Melinda is the most supportive of all the other contestants. I’m not surprised.

LaKisha Jones looked like a 64 ounce bottle of Coke in that red and black dress. And dancing was not a terrific idea. Whenever she moved in one direction there were always parts of her that moved in at least three other different directions.

It was hard to hear Randy but so what? He says the same thing every time.

It was also hard to hear Ryan asking LaKisha that viewer question. When she mentioned her daughter, Brionne, I thought she said “Frionne” and wondered why she’d name her child after an anti-freeze.

Chris Richardson sounded MUCH better live than on TV. But Paula was up dancing and twirling and doing everything but putting him in a sack and taking him home.

How fitting that Haley would do “Turn the Beat Around” by Andrea True, a former porn star. Best part of her performance: She got up on that audience ramp and I was eye level with her crotch. I almost threw her a dollar.

Idol fact: Director Bruce Gowers also directed Queen’s famous “Bohemian Rhapsody” video.

When J-Lo said Phil Stacey gave her goose bumps I think she spoke for all of us in the audience as well. At one point in his song he got off the stool and stepped downstage. As if by reflex, everyone backed up a step. If our phones weren’t confiscated at least ten kids would’ve called their mommy to come pick them up.

When Blake Lewis sings, all you have to do is look around at the girls in the audience to see he’s a top three finalist. They all have that Paula Abdul drool.

Simon is smooth. During a break a blonde in a brown top asked him what he thought was the sexiest thing in a woman? He said, “A blonde in a brown top.” I’m sure Paula thought he was talking about her, not realizing that she isn’t a blonde.

I thought Jordin Sparks gave the performance of the night. Her joy is just infectious. I applaud her for not having castanets just as I applaud LaKisha for not wearing a Carmen Miranda hat.

When Ryan introduced Sanjaya I was right behind him on camera and was all ready to cry and everything but at the last second got blocked out by a Sanjaya sign.

Sanjaya should have been wearing a Carmen Miranda hat. I don’t think he’s washed his hair since Brian Dunkleman left the show.

But he was not the worst of the night. And for that fact alone, my wife and I can say we were at the most memorable AMERICAN IDOL show of the year. They’ll be talking about it all summer.

Thanks to M & P for getting us in.

After the show I went in search of the page to get my gum back.

Boycott THE CARTOON NETWORK

I am now officially boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. I tried to watch an episode of FAMILY GUY recently and every two minutes they’d obliterate the screen with an animated blob or cartoon flames to promo something called the Aqua Teen Movie (pictured above). It would last for fifteen interminable seconds. Forget how infuriating it is to the viewers. For the writers and creative staff behind FAMILY GUY it was incredibly insulting.

To those Cartoon Network geniuses who okayed this deplorable practice, how would you like it if during an important phone call Joan Rivers came on the line every two minutes and started screaming in your ear? Or you’d be driving down the street and every two minutes a bucket of paint was splashed onto your windshield?

And as if the animated intrusions weren’t distracting enough, they were showing this Aqua Teen Movie in a tiny box in the bottom of the screen. It looked like a bad pixel on your computer screen, just annoying enough to make you want to take a bat to your TV.

Where does this clutter end? Between crawls, logo meatballs, running scores, promos, peacocks, TV-MA boxes, the Aflac duck, and time & temperatures, watching the actual show is like playing Where’s Waldo? So to help you out in that department, networks also flash “You are watching” announcements.

Step one is boycotting THE CARTOON NETWORK. If you want to see FUTURAMA or POKEMON they’re available on DVD. Let’s send them and other offenders a message.

Now if only there was a way to send them that message every two minutes.

Oh...and while I'm ranting and sending messages and getting real worked up over the truly important issues of our day, let's organize a million man march to stop this insidious network practice of splitting the screen during closing credits so the people who kill themselves to make a good show have their names reduced to the size of microfilm. I'm sure I could get all of the people whose names have been shrunk to participate but I can't read them.

I will be attending AMERICAN IDOL tonight along with whatever Fox star they're shamelessly trying to pimp. Probably one of those skeesix from DRIVE. My report will follow.

Fire walking, balloon animals & THE SITCOM ROOM

An acting class recently asked to use one of my failed (I mean, “unsold”) pilots in their workshop. As a writer it’s always fun to see your words come to life (even if it opens up old wounds). And this group did a great job. They all gave me their headshots and I hope to be able to use some of them in the future.

When I scan through headshots and actors’ resumes my eyes always drift first to the “special skills” section. The skills considered “special” always amuse me. From this batch come these:

Stuttering, loves to travel, can impersonate Tom Waits, lisping, great with kids, dual citizenship (that takes talent), rollerblading, swimming, can say the alphabet backwards, CPR, stick fighting, weightlifting, good with pit bulls, elementary school teacher, rapper, United States Army Reserve, snowboarding – 3 years, hula, reflexology, pistols, valid U.S. passport, fire walking, back packing, balloon animals, some French, smoke rings, pilates, spinning, clowning, can ride a camel, accent: North Hollywood.

I wish them all great success. I’d hate to think that that fire walking training or reverse alphabet reciting class would be all for naught.

*******
Had to add this. Saw it in the Sunday LA TIMES.

The archbishop of Chicago, Cardinal Francis George, was hospitalized with a slight hip fracture Saturday morning after he apparently slipped and fell on some holy water.

Not to wish ill on anybody but this is the kind of headline that would lead to hours of one-liners in a sitcom writing room.

And speaking of the SITCOM ROOM ...

Her's an update:

We’re moving forward. This will be a two day workshop that will simulate the experience of actually being in a writing room. It’ll be a cross between a seminar/workshop and comedy writing fantasy camp. More details here.

The dates: Saturday/Sunday, July 21 –22

The place: Los Angeles. I've managed to secure a very good site -- really convenient for anyone
flying into L.A. and with a set-up that is especially well-suited to a
Sitcom Room atmosphere.

Limited to just 15 attendees, so I can give personal coaching to everyone.

All the details will be available on a new website within the next week or so -- along with an online registration form.

For update information first just drop me a line. sitcomroom@gmail.com

Hope to see you in L.A. in July!

Proof of evolution

Another great opening title sequence. From the SIMPSONS. Can't wait for the movie.

A tribute to MASH

The MASH theme, written for the movie by Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman is called "Suicide is Painless". Although sung in the film, the TV series made a conscious decision to never feature the lyrics. However, in this lovely tribute to the show, the words are included.

Personally, I love the lyrics. What do you think?

My bitter-sweet Lord

What? They’re canceling the chocolate Jesus exhibit at the prestigious Roger Smith Hotel in New York? Outraged Catholics including Cardinal Edward Egan were appalled. Organizers were surprised that a nude, anatomically correct sculpture made in chocolate of Jesus Christ might be considered offensive to some. I guess their reasoning is when it’s okay to display a statue of former heavyweight champ, Buster Douglas in butter at the Ohio State Fair, what’s the difference?

My question is: the artist, Cosimo Cavallaro, and creative director of the gallery at the hotel, Matt Semler (who quit in protest) are SURPRISED by this reaction? If Willy Wonka became a Born Again he’d be smart enough not to do this. There’s a reason you never see chopped liver sculptures of Jesus at Catholic weddings. Or a candy shop at the Vatican. It’s so clearly off-the-charts predictable that this stunt would cause some flack.

On the other hand…is this publicity exactly what they want? I mean, if the Roger Smith Hotel unveiled a statue of me, nude, anatomically correct (or at least enhanced) in chocolate I don’t even think my wife would come. George Clooney? They might have a tough time getting his permission. (I’d be honored so I’m a good get.) But the point is -- do something wacky, anything wacky and you can expect media attention these days.

And the end result: You know the Jesus statue will appear somewhere. And it will draw crowds. Probably in a mall... as part of their Easter Spring Sale Celebration. In the meantime, chocolate bunnies are still okay... although marshmellow bunnies are borderline bad taste.

Happy Easter.

The SOPRANOS are back...finally

Wow, both the SOPRANOS and KING OF QUEENS airing their final episodes. I hope THE SOPRANOS doesn't get overshadowed by KING OF QUEENS mania.

It's been so long since the SOPRANOS have been on it'll take two episodes to remember what was going on. I just barely got up to speed with THE SHIELD.

I imagine the NY POST and ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY will speculate for weeks on how the series will end and they'll be wrong. Creator, David Chase will find some elegant, unexpected, memorable finale. But David, please, don't flash forward to show when they all die.

Interesting that most members of the writing staff are in their 50’s. You mean you don’t lose your talent at 32??

One of the show’s producers should serve as a real inspiration to writers. Matthew Weiner. He was a half hour guy. I worked with him for several years on BECKER. Super talented and funny. A few years ago he decided to reinvent himself and write an hour drama pilot. The networks of course were not the least bit interested but David Chase read it. Matt just completed his third season with the SOPRANOS after having written some of the best episodes from last year. And as a P.S., Matt has a new series of his own premiering soon on AMC.

Here are some past credits of the SOPRANOS staff (not saying these are all bad shows, just somewhat different from what you might expect…so I don’t want a lot of comments saying how great Secret Squirrel was.):

The Magician
2 Stupid Dogs
Batman (the animated series)
Cover Me
Swat Kats
Hack
The In-Laws
Baby Blues
American Gothic
DiResti
The New Flipper
The Naked Truth
Living in Captivity
Sister Sister
..... and of course – the Secret Squirrel Show.

Paulie looks the grown-up Butch Munster.

Meadow is now old enough that I don’t feel like a pervert for having a crush on her.

How is Tony going to listen to his oldies in the car now that WCBS-FM is gone? What he SHOULD do is whack all the stupid CBS radio executives who decided to change the station’s format.

And then, to make matters worse for oldies fans -- they shot Frankie Valli.

More BADA BING scenes. Have Haley Scarnato from AMERICAN IDOL guest.

What’s worse than death? Going from the SOPRANOS to the cast of JOEY. RIP Adrianna.

Switched at birth: Tony Soprano and UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland.

Is there a better actress on television than Edie Falco? And if the SOPRANOS was being cast by a network they would probably have insisted on that Italian go-to-girl, Sharon Lawrence.

Also, if the show were being done for a network the name “Pussy” would have to be changed to “Happy Place”.

No wonder sister Janice is such a mess. Tony got the looks in the family.

My favorite character is still Christopher. Slugging Lauren Becall was one of the premiere moments of the series. (Written by Matt Weiner, by the way.)

I bet in real life the scariest cast member is Lorraine Bracco.

Even in HD Silvio has no neck.

I don’t care if Uncle Junior's trial is ever resolved. I just want the state to take away his drivers’ license. Believe me, he’ll kill more people with his car.

Thanks to David Chase and all the incredibly gifted people who gave us the finest drama in the history of television, THE SOPRANOS.

Random snark

Sorry to see Gina go. Haley came very close. In order to survive next week she's going to have to show nipples. Next Tuesday I will BE at AMERICAN IDOL. I plan on crying so you may see me on camera. A full report will follow.

Ratings for AMERICAN IDOL have gone down this year. The Sanjaya travesty is beginning to take its toll. And getting hair tips from Diana Ross isn’t helping.

Meanwhile, LaKisha Jones is now selling Italian charm bracelet add-ons with her picture on them. Haley Scarnato pasties and tassels go on sale next week.

Tomorrow morning at 8:50 I will be on KNX radio in Los Angeles talking about AMERICAN IDOL. 1070 on your AM dial, if you even have an AM radio anymore.

Halle Berry recently got her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. When you see these ceremonies you probably wonder, who is that little man who’s always there? That’s Johnny Grant. Former LA disc jockey now Hollywood’s Honorary Mayor who takes his salary in hugs and cheap thrills. He’s the uncle you’ve been threatening with a restraining order.

Other major stars who will receive theirs this year include Erik Estrada, Jerry Stiller, Mariah Carey (who can forget her performance in GLITTER?), Crystal Gayle, and local sportscaster Stu Nahan.

Among last year’s inductees: Nathan Lane, Vanna White, Judge Judy, local sportscaster Jim Hill, Motley Crue, Shecky Greene, and Wink Martindale.

But 2005 was the real banner year. Emilio Estevez, Fred Travalena, and Donald Duck.

Glad to hear NBC is renewing 30 ROCK. Maybe if they didn’t put it in the Thursday night death slot against GREY’S ANATOMY and CSI it might have a chance of attracting some viewers. If NBC really wants to launch 30 ROCK they should schedule it Monday night at 9:30… on CBS.

I plan on being the only blog on the internet not to do a Keith Richards snorting his father joke. I know it may cost me a coveted Weblog nomination but I’m going to take the high road on this one.

A headline from today's Sydney Morning Herald: Air Pacific says it has apologised to a young Japanese woman after a Fijian soldier urinated on her.

On Monday’s ESPN coverage of the Royals-Red Sox game, bumbling commentator Joe Morgan admitted he was wrong about something. It was a national E.F. Hutton moment. If you’re not familiar with Joe’s work, picture Randy Jackson calling a baseball game but less articulate.

I will miss Soledad O’Brien (pictured left) on CNN’s “American Morning”. She did such a great job of reading the news that I’d watch with the sound off and still enjoy her. When I become the Honorary Mayor of Hollywood she's the first person getting a star.

Barack Obama has raised more money than Hillary Clinton. $23.5 million to $20 million. In third place was LaKisha Jones with those charm bracelets.

American Idol this week

I was hoping the theme for this week’s AMERICAN IDOL would be “Songs of Passover”. I would have loved to have heard Blake Lewis beatboxing during “Dayenu” or Sanjaya singing “Had Gadya” while wearing long peyis.

As it was, a good night. They’re down to the top 8 and Sanjaya. Tony Bennett offered some great advice… although it’s hard to take anyone seriously wearing a yellow sports jacket. I’m sure most contestants didn’t know who he was. And the ones that did thought, “Oh yeah, the old dude from MTV”.

Blake’s rendition of “Mack the Knife” made me long for Kevin Spacey’s. None of it worked for me. The lounge lizard look and the clunker notes. I thought the judges were kind.

I pictured weird Phil Stacey singing “Night & Day” to a girl just before he cut her up and put her in mason jars.

And Paula thought he was a young Frank Sinatra? Frank Sinatra Jr. maybe. Or Tina.

Michael Buble is a young Frank Sinatra. Phil Stacey is a young Hannibal Lecter.

Melinda Doolittle is in a different league. Like Barry Bonds batting clean-up at a fat man’s picnic.

When Chris Richardson came out in the Sinatra pork pie hat I thought, “uh oh”. Please don’t do “Mrs. Robinson”. (Have you heard Frank’s version of that song? “How’s your bird, Mrs. Robinson? Jilly loves you more than you will know. Whoa whoa whoa. The P.T.A., Mrs. Robinson, won’t approve the way you do your thing. Ding ding ding.”) But he was pleasantly terrific.

You heard it here first: Jordin Sparks could sneak in and become the American Idol. She sings great, has a effervescent personality, and her million dollar smile might be a thirty million vote smile.

Gina Glocksen – Simon was dead on. She’s good but there are three other women who are better. She needs the theme to be Joan Jett week or she’s toast.

Sanjaya – Andy Garcia meets Tinkerbell. America’s joke.

Haley Scarnato went back to her strength – showing off her legs and breasts. Among the many things her performance was lacking was a pole. I mean, when Paula, who is excited when you dangle a piece of string in front of her eyes, can only say “green is a good color on you”, you know you’re in trouble.

And finally, I’m getting tired of LaKisha. Yes, her voice can reach the back row…of the Acropolis, but there are no shadings. Melinda is a singer. LaKisha is a belter.

I’d say Haley and Phil are the bottom two. Maybe Gina. AMERICAN IDOL will adopt the “Passover” theme by passing over Sanjaya for another undeserving week.

How to hide the miracle of life

Was at a party recently and bumped into Shelley Long (who looks fabulous, by the way!). She mentioned that her daughter just turned 22. Wow. It seems like just yesterday we were in the third year of CHEERS and Shelley was pregnant. Whenever an actress on a series gets pregnant it presents a tricky dilemma for the writers – especially if you don’t want her character to get pregnant as well. I don’t know what they would have done on the FLYING NUN.

On CHEERS, if Diane had a baby it would alter the entire series, taking it in a direction we didn’t want to go. So the question became – how do we hide it?

I thought the staff came up with a pretty ingenious solution. Diane and new beau, Frasier would vacation in Europe. We could film those scenes early in the season before she was showing and then place them in episodes later in the year. During the early stages of the pregnancy she deftly hid behind the bar or a tray. And when it was impossible to hide her anymore we had the Europe episodes in the bank.

Since those Europe scenes were independent of the main stories they could sometimes be shuffled around. I remember watching an episode at home one night, written I believe by Sam Simon. I was laughing and enjoying the story and then they cut to one of these vacation scenes. It was odd. I felt a weird déjà vu. I knew this was a first run episode I hadn’t seen yet this scene was vaguely familiar.

And then it hit me – David and I wrote this scene. It was taken out of our show and inserted into this one.

There have been many times I’ve watched scenes and thought to myself, I wish I had written that. This was the first time I watched a scene and said, “Oh my God, I did write that!”

I imagine whoever wrote the vacation scene that appeared in our episode had a similar reaction.

Things were so much easier with Rhea Perlman. She got pregnant several times during the run of the series but since it was established that her character, Carla popped out kids like a Pez dispenser, it actually made things easier for us.

Starting with Lucy (didn’t everything start with Lucy?) all the way to Amanda Peete on STUDIO 60, writers have dealt with series stars getting pregnant. And they’ve always found solutions.

Except one. On BEWITCHED they never could explain which Darren was the father of Tabitha.










Late tomorrow: My weekly AMERICAN IDOL review. I'm anxious to see how many of the finalists have even heard of Tony Bennett.

Why our eyes wander... and where they go

It’s not our fault!

When a man is looking at a woman and his eyes drift downward do not be offended ladies, it’s how we were programmed.

No… really.

Thank God for the Nielsen/Norman group for uncovering this TRUTH. They conducting a study on Web site design and happened upon this monumental discovery. In tracking eye movement researchers had 255 men and women look at photos of other people. Men always snuck quick peeks at the subject’s crotch – even if the subject was another man.

When shown a photo of admittedly strapping George Brett (pictured right), women locked onto his face. Men couldn’t help checking out his package.

That CLICK you hear is every homophobe now logging off this site.

The study however, concluded that these peeks weren’t a sign of sexual attraction (in most cases… I mean, who are we kidding?). They were a natural response for men to check out the competition. (And just to put your mind at ease guys, he wore a cup.)

We men glance down when looking at a woman for the obvious disgusting reason but the key here is that it can’t be helped! Please consider that the next time you haul off and slap us into next Tuesday.

The survey continues:

Both groups were asked to look at photos of puppies on the American Kennel Club’s site. Women focused on the cute puppies’ big brown eyes. Men’s eyes STILL drifted south towards the dogs’ genitals.

So here are the conclusions I’ve arrived at: Somehow I feel vindicated..

and really creepy.

The BONANZA theme

One of the favorite CHEERS teasers is the one where they sing the BONANZA theme. Here are the lyrics and the actual theme. Sing along.


We chased lady luck, 'til we finally
struck Bonanza
With a gun and a rope and a hat full of hope,
we planted our family tree.
We got hold of a pot full of gold,
Bonanza

With a horse and a saddle, and a range full of cattle, How rich can a fellow be?
On this land we put our brand, Cartwright is the name, Fortune smiled, the day we filed the Ponderosa claim.

Here in the west, we're livin' in the best
Bonanza
If anyone fights any one of us,
he's got a fight with me
Bonanza

Hoss and Joe and Adam know
every rock and pine
No one works fights, or eats,
like those boys of mine
Here we stand in the middle of a grand
Bonanza

With a gun and a rope and a hatful of hope,
we planted our family tree,
We got a hold of a potful of gold
Bonanza

With a houseful of friends where the rainbow ends,
How rich can a fellow be?
On this land we put our brand Cartwright is the name,
Fortune smiled, the day we filed the Ponderosa claim
Here in the west we're living in the best
Bonanza

With the friendliest, fightingist, lovingist band,
That ever set foot in the promised land
And we're happier than them all.
That's why we call it
Bonanza...bonanza.. bonanza..