Monday, July 02, 2007

No, I don't have an iPhone

I’ve been asked to leave Los Angeles. The iPhone has been out for over three days now and I don’t have one yet. In this town that’s unacceptable.

Okay, I didn’t get one Friday when they came out. All of the CAA agents made their assistants sleep out in front of Apple stores for four days to secure the first shipment. That’s understandable.

But by Saturday afternoon I was starting to get the threatening calls. Did I not understand WHY I had to have an iPhone? Did I really think I could exist in the world without visual voicemail, the ability to activate my itunes, or with no touchscreen capability? How was I going to browse the web while driving? If I wanted to live in the stone age, fine, but not in SoCali.

I pleaded: My Sony Ericsson allows me to text message, take photos, download ringtones, play games, set alarms, IM, organize my calendar, and make phone calls. “Sony Ericsson?!” they scoffed. They hung up and two hours later my pet was missing.

I called the police to complain. They asked what I was calling on. When I told them they sent over a black-and-white and took me downtown for questioning. Did I not understand the iPhone allowed me to activate and sync video? I said I was allowed one phone call and they said, “Not on a Sony Erickson you aren't.”

On Sunday I went to the local park pool for a dip. All of the mothers became hysterical and yanked their kids out of the pool. I heard one yell, “We value keyboard video in this neighborhood!”

The pressure continued. On Sunday night someone burned an apple in my lawn.

Someday I’ll get an iPhone. I’m sure the price will go down, more keen features will be added, and I’ll again be able to rejoin civilized society. I just have to time it right. I don’t want to get thrown out of Cleveland either.

41 comments :

Matthew said...

Be strong. There are thousands of others like you out there, and we hear you loud and clear.

We can hear you loud and clear because we're calling from a $30 LG phone that only works on the now-abandoned Sprint network.

Paul said...

This is pure brilliance. You and Joel Stein should do a comedy show together.

The Crutnacker said...

Take your phone and glue the battery door permanantly shut. Now tape it to your Ipod with two $100 bills. There, you have your very own Iphone and you didn't have to wait in line.

Today's word verification: praykp.

Justin said...

Thanks for strating my week off with a LOL

Chris L said...

No way can I afford an iPhone. I spent all my money on Sony-Ericsson phones after seeing Casino Royale.

ksklein said...

*lol

here in germany/europe we have to wait for october.

akshat said...

i liked ur blog..........for pur tech reviews and views on student's life.....
visit my blog:
http://akshatslife.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

http://akshatslife.blogspot.com

Ken Levine said...

Why do people comment and say "I love your blog (bullshit) and read mine"? I mean, does anyone click over to some random blog because someone asks them to in a comment thread?

Please discontinue this practice. It's getting annoying.

Matthew said...

sorry about the double post, but you can delete comments you don't want simply by clicking on the trash can under each comment. (this only works when you're logged in)

Feel free to delete this one just to try out this exciting feature.

The Crutnacker said...

Hey Ken,

At least you didn't get. "I love your blog! If you'd like the latest in manhood enhancement creams, come visit my blog at GetWoodQuick.blogspot.com."

Besides, the name "Akshat" kind of makes me chuckle.

Will Teullive said...

Another downside of the iPhone is the required service provider; AT&T (Awful Technology and Telephony).

I got dropped more times than the second guest following Julia Roberts on Late Show with David Letterman.

joshm said...

I'm thinking of rocking one of these.

Liquid said...

Hey, be a man and take out a second or third mortgage to buy this. I'm sure it will be like the 2 or 3 PDA's I own...gee, they are kinda dusty from all the use they get. :-D

Lizbeth said...

Does it make me shallow because I'm sitting at home in NJ salivating over the iPhone? Of course, half the spoiled kids in my neck of the woods will probably have this thing by end of the week! Actually, most of them will have two.

Tony Schleifstein said...

I know that one phone call feeling. I went to jail one time and was allowed one phone call.

Nobody called.

NaysWay said...

Hey, I'm from Cleveland. Don't feel too bad. I don't have one either. So far, so good. I've lived to see another day.

But, I guess I'm screwed either way. Not only do I NOT have an iPhone, but I use T-Mobile as well. Whoa is me and my Dash. *sigh*

Alto2 said...

I'm standing in the Luddite line right behind you. Although I'm an Apple fan, I didn't buy an iPhone either, and I was in my local Apple store the day after it was released. I looked over the whole interface and rejected the thing immediately. It's damn dangerous! You're absolutely right about people browsing the Internet while driving; the iPhone will cause many accidents.

I can just see it now, a new subsection to the California Penal Code: DWI, driving while iPhoning.

RAC said...

I heard there is no camera on the new iPhone because Steve Jobs was afraid Bill Gates would moon him.

Mary Stella said...

The only time in my life that I've sat in line for three days to buy anything was when Springsteen tickets went on sale 20 some years ago. I still think that was worth it. The iPhone -- not even close.

I refuse to buy one.

Ken, have they bounced you out of the writers guild yet?

Special Sam said...

The iPhone? What's that? Is it some kind of car bomb?

estiv said...

Why do people comment and say "I love your blog (bullshit) and read mine"?

Ken, you're getting blog spam. Welcome to the underbelly of the Web. As owner of this blog you should be able to delete them.

Anonymous said...

The Mayor of Philly camped out. He had people bring him paper work sometimes... he paid someone to hold his place when he had to make an appearance...then he came right back. I give him a gold star for effort.
Jeoleo

Malachy Walsh said...

Alas, I don't have one either.

But I watched those assistants march into the Apple Store at the Grove where they were cheered for using a credit card.

There is revenge, however. After all, now they have to deal with the AT&T Network and thus AT&T Service people.

(There's a reason AT&T disappeared once already!)

Miss A said...

Thanks for the LOL moment today! Perhaps SoCal will let you pay some sort of non-user tax? Or, perhaps some sort of bumper sticker akin to the "Kick Me" signs from high school?

Oh, and by-the-by, I kinda like that Akshat (whew! what a name) wrote in. That way, I know you really do read the comments!

super lee said...

a country divided by flip-flops will soon be divided by the have-iPhones and the havenot-iPhones.

my excuse for not having one - it's going to have some bugs that will be worked out in the second generation, and that's when i'm going to get it. but i'm really saying - iBroke.

Anonymous said...

Cheer up Ken, I have a Virgin Mobile pay-as-you-go phone that has canned text messages apparently designed for 18 year olds (Booty call?) which I can't get rid of, to replace with more useful messages.

Why aren't you working somewhere? Oh right - your blog is funnier than most of the sitcoms I don't bother to watch on TV.

Pam from Boston (in Florida, alas)

(the iPhone sure looked pretty in the commercials, though - but I have a $300, 4 year old laptop - it's the first time I've had Windows XP!)

pottymouth said...

I'm waiting for the iToilet...

James Patrick Joyce said...

The pressure continued. On Sunday night someone burned an apple in my lawn

You had me chuckling in the coffee shop.

Thanks.

Beth Ciotta said...

I can't even work the cell phone that I have and it's pretty basic, folks.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a bookstore and I needed to make a call. I couldn't because the key pad locked. I don't know how it happened, but I couldn't unlock it. After ten frustrating minutes I finally gave up and asked a young kid at the information desk. "Can you figure out how to unlock this?"

He did. Took him three seconds. Mortifying I tell you.

Matt said...

Jonathan Swift is re-born!

Biff Landry said...

"I can't even work the cell phone that I have and it's pretty basic, folks."

That's exactly why you should look at an iPhone: because they're designed to make very complex tasks EASY to figure out. As opposed to whatever Designed in Hell torture device you're obviously using at the moment.

Don't be put off by all the things it can do. Be amazed at how easy it makes it to do them.

And whoever said it doesn't have a camera, it does. Lousy FUD'ers...

The Fool said...

I saw one for the first time today while a friend was showing it off. We "oooohed" and "aaaahed" over it but as soon as it was out of sight it was out of mind. How much is the monthly service? How many hundreds? I'll keep my old POS Verizon Stone Age model for just a little while longer.

Al in Portland said...

Am I the last person in America who does not own, nor does not plan to own, a cellphone of any type? Thank goodness I am so not vital that I need not be reached when it is convenient for the rest of the world.

Dimension Skipper said...

Berke Breathed's Opus is high on all the iPhone hoopla (now with DTT!).

Chris said...

The iPhone shuffle is affordable, but can only dial people at random, so it's fairly impractical.

Dhppy said...

A friend of mine showed me his iPhone the day after they went on sale, and I kept looking around nervously as if he were dangling a thick juicy steak in front of a hungry mob. I kept trying to get him to put it away before he got us both mauled.

Lai Ying said...

I love your blog...keep it up. I have no idea how the iPhone works so there...............

Lai Ying said...

I love your blog again.....just embrace it..

Anonymous said...

Update: Bill Gates butt looks fuzzy on Steve Jobs' iPhone. Maybe better lighting would help?

From MacWorld:

Apple provides next to no information about the features of the iPhone's camera--and for good reason. It's a 2-megapixel camera phone with all the limitations of any other camera phone. There's no flash and no zoom, and though the entire screen becomes the viewfinder (making pictures look great), it does a poor job of capturing motion or images in low-light conditions.

This Girl said...

At least SoCali-ers know what they are getting. When we stood in line for our iPhones (yes, me and hubby each got one - not rich, just determined technerds), there was a lady who didn't even know why she was in line. If you're going to stand in line for hours (two in our case) at least know why you're standing in that line, for Zeus' sake.