Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Scott Baio is 45 and single

Does ANYBODY give a shit? Including him?

This is the subject of yet another tiresome reality show as poor Scott Baio wonders why everyone doesn’t love Chachi.

Maybe because….

As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza. For 45 years he’s been the luckiest man on the planet. He’s fucked a gazillion hot women. He’s fucked over a gazillion hot women. He has money. He has independence.

But now middle age is setting in. The boyish looks are starting to fade. It used to be that banging Liza Minelli was a lark. Now she’s the ghoulish ghost of Baio future.

One day he wakes up and realizes his life is empty and he has commitment issues. He is racked with pain and confusion. This is not a problem he can solve himself. He needs highly qualified professional help. So he does the only rational thing a marginal celebrity can do – he sets up a reality show.

He hires a hot looking life coach (who I assume he’ll be banging by the final episode) and goes on a soul-searching journey to discover why he is screwed up. I bet this licensed life coach has an agent, manager, and PR person.

We meet his posse. Yes, even with no career anymore Scott Baio still has an entourage. So you can imagine THEIR self esteem.

We find that he loathes his fans. Spending twenty minutes in an autograph session is worse than what they do to Elisha Cuthbert in CAPTIVITY.

By now you so hate this guy that the instrument has not been devised that can measure your indifference to his problem.

He’s told he has to break up with his girlfriend for two months and remain celibate. So he plans an intimate dinner to break the bad news. Just the two of them and a full camera crew. It’s a scene that would bring a tear to a glass eye.

He seeks out old girlfriends to discover what went wrong. I guess his life coach saw HIGH FIDELITY. It seems he cheated on all these women. This stuns him. Why? He didn’t remember doing any of this? Or was he just shocked that they KNEW? In any event, he’s now reeling. Oh, the trauma of losing these women he hasn’t thought about in twenty years.

He meets up with Erin Moran. I let out an audible gasp. She now looks 65. “Joannie” lets him have it. He’s a narcissist. Stop! Stop! Too many revelations in one day!

She tells him he has a small penis. Ouch! I imagine Donny Most watching this and falling off his chair laughing. Scott seeks an objective opinion – his entourage. They’re aghast she could think such a thing. Of course, even if his penis is small it still has to be a kielbasa compared to theirs.

The series is more pathetic than fun. The show should be called SCOTT BAIO IS 45 AND HAS MADE-UP PROBLEMS. My guess is the life coach will not be successful in getting Scott to commit to marriage. But she may get him to agree to be her partner on the next AMAZING RACE.

38 comments:

RC said...

I love your line: "As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza."

shecanfilmit said...

I moved in March. I've been so busy I haven't taken the time to have cable or satellite set up. I've been months without this type of TV. And guess what? I don't miss it. I think I'll hold out until the fall.

VP81955 said...

"As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza."

Does that mean we can expect to see him perform on July 4 shows at state capitals (2008: Montpelier, Vermont; 2009: Pierre, South Dakota; 2010: Frankfort, Kentucky...)?

Anonymous said...

I'm 54 years old, have a graduate degree, and am unemployed, so it's nice to find out that Scott Baio is even worse off than I am. By the way, I recommend going over to IMDB and checking out the user-submitted synopsis of "Joanie Loves Chachi." It's sharp and snide, nearly worthy of Tallulah Moorehead herself.

la guy said...

I think somehow if they could inter cut Scott Baio's show with the Paula Abdul show it would be the most unwatchable piece of shit to ever committed to video tape.

I know it's a tall order, but I think it's within their grasp if they would pool their resources.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"It's sharp and snide, nearly worthy of Tallulah Moorehead herself."

Thank you darling, and thank you for the extra O in my nme. If there's anything I love, it's someone giving me another "Big O".

Ken darling, why do you torture yourself watching these celebrity reality shows? Good Heavens. The only celebrity whose private life is worth watching is mine.

First Paula Abdul steals MY catchphrase "I never authorised that indentation." Now I learn that Scott Baio has stolen MY life pattern of getting caught by ex-partners having one off on the side. I've always felt it was hypocritical of my partners to object to my cheating on them. How do you think I began my relationship with THEM in the first place?

But I can tell you, any life coach who advised me to remain celebate would be fired instantly.

How about this? CELEBRITY LOST! We take Scott Baio, Paula Abdul, Danny Bonaduce, "Screech," Gary Busey, ANT, Tom Sizemore, anyone named Hilton, Lohan, or Spears, and Prince Freddie Von Anholt Gabor, along with anyone fool enough to be a part of their entourages (Baio has an entourage? Incredible!), and we drop them on a remote island, tell them there's hidden cameras recording their every moment. Then we leave them, sail away, and NEVER COME BACK AGAIN!

It will be the feel good hit of the century. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to watch obsessively the all-night feeds of BIG BROTHER 8. I just hate that BITCH Jen!

Cheers darlings.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Now I have to retract my CELEBRITY LOST suggestion. You wouldn't believe who reads this flog. I just had an email from the Second-Hand Smoke Monster on LOST, and he says that if we dump any of those celebrities on his island, we can expect a worldwide smoke monster strike! Even inhuman killing monstrosities have some standards. I've got to get that Smoke Monster Detector in my bedroom fixed.

BTW, I just read that IMDb Joanie Loves Chachi piece that Anonymous recommended, and it IS very funny, and I've never even seen an episode of Joanie Loves Chachi, at least that I recall. Sometimes oblivion is a blessing.

Cheers.

Justin said...

off topic, but on baseball and comedy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCR2lxa3CHk

Paul Duca said...

Actually, the big reality show news this week is NBC's announcement that after the first episode was the week's top rated program in both overall numbers and prime advertiser demographics, they are adding THE SINGING BEE to the fall lineup.

Como-tose said...

How do I get the song "Seattle" out of my head? It's been on a continuous loop since Sunday...

The Crutnacker said...

Is it possible that I once thought Erin Moran was cute? She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch.

Ever notice that when "cute" guys start to get older, they start to look like old women?

Am I the only one who used to like the VH1 that was devoted to the music I enjoyed and played old 80s videos, documentaries about music, and didn't inundate me with shows about people reminiscing about decades they weren't even alive in?

Dan Kelley said...

The title of the show should have been "Career Over".

Based on that its now occured to me that Tony Danza still might have another shot.

Lizbeth said...

Scott Baio's career peaked with "Charles in Charge" which is kind of sad. Over twenty years in the biz and he still can't act. Isn't Hollywood amazing?

Grubber said...

Ken,
You mentioned recently about another bad celebrity reality show, Age of Love, with Mark Philopoussis, Aussie Tennis player, well past his prime contrary to the shows rundown. Just thought you would find it amusing to hear that it recently started down here. They plugged it as Australia's Best New Comedy (seriously).

My favourite thought is that his recent nickname in the media down here is "The Poo".....I wonder if the women realise what they are competing for? His older nickname when he was in favour was the Scud, due to his serve. Not so much anymore.

cheers
Dave

Brian Scully said...

"As a serious actor he’s the poor man’s Tony Danza."

And as a serious actor, Tony Danza is the poor, homeless man's Sylvester Stallone.

John Cooper said...

I can forgive Scott Baio a lot after his hilarious deadpan stint as Bob Loblaw on "Arrested Development." So he can't act, and he's signed up for a pathetic, self-aggrandizing tell-all show. Narcissism is an L.A. universal that seems to affect even the thoughtful ones there. (I'm thinking of Gary Shandling's cringeworthy extras for the "Larry Sanders" DVDs, in which a badly aging Shandling meets old friends for the first time in years and films the get-togethers, complete with what should be private emotional moments.) A sense of humor goes a long way with me - even if it's sometimes missing when it's needed most.

Ian said...

Scott Baio used to bang Liza Minelli? Eeewwww.....

cjb said...

I thought Scott was just ok on Arrested Development. Maybe his mind was elsewhere since Liza might've also been around the set. I don't think they had scenes together...?

Anonymous said...

For anyone who has gone over to IMDB and wondered what the hell I was talking about: the user review of "Joanie Loves Chachi" that I was referring to is no longer on the front page. Look for the review headlined "You'll beg for 'The Ropers' or 'AfterM*A*S*H*' instead"--that's the one.

HouseFrau said...

Dare I say, I liked the show? So, Scott Baio is not a great actor. Do you think Jack Nicholson would agree to do a Vh1 "Celebreality" show? But Baio seems to have a sense of humor. (He took the "small pecker" comment from Erin Moran with aplomb.) The pathetic nature of the posse is hilarious. (There is one guy who has been Baio's "wingman" for 30 years and he has apparently gotten a lot of women because of it.) And at least it purports to be about self-exploration and self-improvement. I'll take that over watching anorexic, rich girls work at a fat camp any day.

Michael J. Hassett said...

Piling on poor Scott Baio - Who can resist, although Erin Moran photo was genuinely scary. Fun post and great blog. I enjoy it so much I added By Ken Levine as a link and you get consistent raves from readers of As Good As News http://michaeljamesh.blogspot.com Please keep posts coming.

The Curmudgeon said...

Thank you for watching so we don't have to.

Not that I would have....

Jon Badeaux said...

There's nothing wrong with Scott Baio that a little penile rejuvenation won't fix.

Now... did I mean a little rejuvenation or a little penis?

John said...

Actually, the arc to move from child/teen media star to pathetic publicity seeker has fallen by a number of years in the past couple of decades. It used to be the pre-adult stars who couldn't make the transition to adult roles would disappear from public view for a number of years, before turning up again when they were sought out by the press or some celebrity TV show.

Now, with Baio, Bonaduce and some of the others, they seek you out with train wreck reality shows which in their minds may be the start of a big comeback, but to the viewers is merely a way to feel superior to someone who may have had it all in the past, but is throwing away whatever dignity they have today (And of course, the new post-teen queen rehab divas are going straight from the penthouse to Lee Baca's house without ever leaving the spotlight, which does make keeping track of them for the office death pool a whole lot easier).

Alan Sepinwall said...

If you want real torture, YouTube has the main title sequence to Joanie Loves Chachi, which is not only awful, but really, really long.

D. McEwan said...

"at least it purports to be about self-exploration and self-improvement. I'll take that over watching anorexic, rich girls work at a fat camp any day."

Are those your only choices? You know, there's always the option labelled "Off".

But there's also still some GOOD TV out there. The new DOCTOR WHO series is GREAT. The fabulous Geraldine McEwan (Sadly, no relation to me that I know of.) has just began her third Miss Marple go-round on PBS. I adore her. MONK I'm told is good. If you must watch a "Reality" series, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE has some really fine and pretty young dancers this season. (Pasha, call me.) And I wonder how I got through life before THE DAILY SHOW & THE COLBERT REPORT.

I'm afraid all I've seen of fat camps, anorexic rich bitches, and self-aggrandizing celebreality shows are clips on THE SOUP. (Another good show.) (OK, I watched a couple HAY PAULAs until I turned her off, mid-rant, in disgust.)

D. McEwan said...

PS. It's a measure of how narcissistic and self-involved we have become, that someone would use "it purports to be about self-exploration and self-improvement." as a defense of a terrible show. Try looking outward.

robinz said...

I tripped over this show on my way to something else and I didn't think Erin looked bad. I think she looked like a regular person and not anorexic Barbie.

Anonymous said...

Here's the Joanie Loves Chachi synopsis (if that's what it is).

So Mad at Your Crap TV Programming said...

"I moved in March. I've been so busy I haven't taken the time to have cable or satellite set up. I've been months without this type of TV. And guess what? I don't miss it. I think I'll hold out until the fall."

Get a healthy Netflix subscription (6-at-a-time) and tell TV to fuck off forever. Just rent films, documentaries and the good stuff on the tube (The Shield, Homicide, How I Met Your Mother) and tell commercial television to take a flying leap.

Mike McCann said...

Ken,

I have to disagree. Ringo Starr is the luckiest man in the world. NEVER has someone with so little talent made so much money and enjoyed such exultation.
Our runner-up Yogi Berra, a funny looking man with limited intellect and virtually no education and some innate baseball ability... Yet he became a widely recognized celebrity, popular commercial spokesman -- and remarkably rich from his knack for making (or being led toward) brilliant investments.

Mike Barer said...

That Scott Baio is single does not make any difference to us, but to middle America, it's a cause for concern.

Anthony Strand said...

I live in North Dakota, and I can assure you - middle America does not care either.

Anonymous said...

OK,who ever wrote the "Top"
article in this post,must have a thing for Scott!! I mean,can you be a little more JEALOUS? "SURE HE HAS fAME". What's MINUSCULE Fame? Are you that Envious?
I mean your writing for an Internet Blog.Shit man!thats the "post-it" of all Publications. You need a life coach!
You are little more than a brat trying your best to put down something you could not achieve yourself!! I mean,come on! are you so ignorant that you think "Reality" means "real". "Its just a show", "man" or "woman" what ever you are?
To show the worst photo you could find of Erin Moran and then put her down.On the show,does she really look 65? "NO"!
So,I guess,we can all assume,you're not smart enough to realize your writing about something the people you hope read this have watched themselves? Or, "YOU" think,you're only reaching people who dont have TV's!That way,you'll seam like the authority?
The show is not that bad.As it turns out,it is watchable. "WHY SO MUCH NEGATIVITY ABOUT IT"?
And yes, I know,what I've written sounds bad,but I only write this to make those who think their the "voice of reviews".Look in the mirror.
I bet you watch it next week!

Tiago said...

To the anonymous above: let us enjoy our own reality blog show, with our own looser scott baio and our own ugly erin moran! Come on, you know reality blogging is not real blogging...

Dan Coyle said...

"As a serious actor, he's the poor man's Tony Danza."

I never thought I'd say this, but why you gotta diss Tony Danza like that?

I watched maybe about two minutes of this, and, WOW, now I know why a) Baio really hasn't worked that much, and b) why he's still 45 and single. NOBODY LIKES HIM, AND FOR GOOD REASON.

Anonymous said...

Hey, at least he's not Danny Bonaduce.

so.. what ever happened to Ellen Travolta?

I have to say, watching that opening to JLC - they reminded me of Donny & Marie.

Anonymous said...

scott baio u need to quit treating women like they have no feeling . Its time to grow up and say i have to more respectful towards women . If not you will be alone all your life and realize i should of been more a man then a player . one thing we women get tired of men take us for granted . u need to realize to yourself what u want for u and what kind of life i want . i wish u all the best and hope that faith will come your way. that u will find someone special but before u do remember we women deserve to be treated with respect and they will do the same to you remember that. u are a great actor.