Oceans Two

Just back from one exciting night in Vegas. My writing partner David and I are developing a project for Jon Lovitz & Rita Rudner so we popped into town to see Rita’s show.

Flew Jet Blue out of Long Beach because it was HALF of what Southwest Airlines charged out of LAX. “You are now free to overpay for worse service and unassigned seats.”

Happy to say there were no riots in Vegas…even though the NBA Summer League is in full swing.

The big news is that Pamela Anderson is the magician’s assistant to Hans Klok. I guess when Borat stuffed her in a sack her true talent was discovered.

Stayed at Harrah’s – a hotel in search of a theme. They must've thought all the good themes were taken but they were wrong. Someday I shall open the Woodstock Hotel. I’ll put up a big stage, get Richie Havens and Country Joe & the Fish impersonators and charge people $120 a night to lay down a blanket and sleep in a field. VIP accommodations nearest the outhouse.

The Harrah’s slogan is “Oh Yeah!” Rejected slogans were “Uh huh, Baby!”, “Don’t Stop, Ooooh!”, “More like that!”, and “Harder like you mean it!”

Where else can you look out your window, see the Eiffel Tower, the Great Pyramid, dancing fountains, a tropical beach, King Arthur’s castle, the Statue of Liberty, a pirate ship, and the Gateway Arch of St. Louis? Oh wait. That’s just a partial view of McDonalds.

There is a street bazaar of some sort outside Harrah’s, recreating the great garage sales of Milwaukee.

Rita’s show was hilarious. A lot funnier than this. Almost an hour-and-a-half of great “I wish I had thought of that” material. We hung with her backstage, were led to the best table. It was like being Ray Liotta in GOODFELLAS without having to kill Joe Pesci.

Most cities celebrate history with museums. Vegas pays tribute to our nation’s past with the only remaining Playboy Club.

And there’s now a Hooters Hotel. Call them and ask to speak to John Smith. They’ll ring up 450 rooms.

All you have to do is watch the people who waddle through any Vegas casino, cup of quarters in one hand and a churro in the other to see why THE WIRE didn’t get any Emmy nominations.

Stopped by the Imperial Palace, which quite frankly is neither. If T-Bag from PRISON BREAK wanted to gamble in style on the strip this is where he would go. But they’re no longer owned by that guy who proudly had Hitler’s car on display. And they’re the only hotel with Dealertainers -- celebrity impersonators (Elvis, Sinatra, Barbra Streisand, etc.) who also deal blackjack. Where’s Stevie Wonder’s table?

There is now always a World Series of Poker going on.

An old style Vegas perennial, the Frontier Hotel just closed a few weeks ago. But that’s not to say Wayne Newton isn’t still headlining there.

And good news for old Jews! A Fountainbleau Hotel is coming soon. In no time you’ll be banging your spoons to Mitzi McCall, Rich Little, Abby Lane, and Elliott Yamin.

Swung by the Venetian for some high end Vegas class. First stop was Madame Tussaud’s wax museum where you can “grab hold” of your favorite stars. Play poker with Ben Affleck, marry George Clooney. As the brochure says, “kiss, hug or mug with your favorite entertainers and sports heroes and take all the pictures you want to show everyone you hung with the stars while you were in Las Vegas.” No wonder the Venetian prides itself on its elegance and sophistication.

One of their other great features is the Grand Canal shops. Fake cobblestone walkways, a painted sky (giving the place a sense of nuclear winter), building facades, piped in music, and oh yes, a concrete canal. I don’t know -- being in a gondola in an indoor mall with fat tourists snapping cellphone photos and toting bags from the M & M store doesn’t really set the stage for romance. But maybe that’s just me.

The Celine Dion “Cheese-a-palooza” continues to assault and stupefy audiences at Caesar’s. Imagine the Orange Bowl Halftime show, the Olympics Opening Ceremony, the West Hollywood Gay Pride Parade, and Mt. Vesuvius erupting all rolled into one. And that’s just during the “turn off your cellphones” announcement.

Carrot Top is a Vegas headliner. Somewhere in the great beyond Bugsy Siegal is saying “If this is what I ultimately created I deserved to be shot.”

It is a town unique to the world. Come for the glitz, stay for Rita Rudner, and hang around till Saturday when Gerry & the Pacemakers headline at Cannery Row. Las Vegas truly is Chuck E. Cheese for adults.