Thursday, March 20, 2008

Fragments or smaller...

I’m going to need therapy for Separation Anxiety when IN TREATMENT goes off the air. And I know I’m a bad person but I still hate Sophie. Just once wouldn’t you love to see a scene where a psychiatrist says to a teenage patient, “the problem isn’t your parents or the environment. It’s that you’re a fucking Emo bitch!!”?

So AMERICAN IDOL announced their mentors for this season. Mariah Carey will instruct the kids on proper diet techniques, plastic surgery options, how to marry the best Svengali, and preferred diva bad behavior. And I’m sorry Amanda Overmyre was voted off before she could sing one of mentor Andrew Lloyd Weber’s tunes on “Plagiarism Week”.

Miley Cyrus gets immortalized in wax at Madame Tussauds in New York this week. And speaking of wax figures, Dolly Parton will be another AMERICAN IDOL mentor.

The baseball players union is looking into possible collusion charges to explain why Barry Bonds -- under indictment by the Grand Jury, universally loathed, now old, and too big to fit into any uniform – hasn’t been signed to a big deal by a major league team. Collusion charges are also being investigated regarding the non-signing of F.P. Santangelo and Stan Musial.

LOST this season has been phenomenal! Every episode has had a mind-blowing ending. Especially last week's with Sun & Jin. And I keep watching the flash-forwards hoping to see if gas prices ever go down.

Career goal I can strike off my list: TV game show panelist/personality. But the dream is still alive to become a Mouseketeer.

ABC will carry the presidential debate on April 15th. Judges determining the winner will be Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Bruno Tonioli.


The opening weekend of March Madness – the only orgy your wife will let you attend.

I hate myself for laughing but KLAC sportstalk host Big Joe McDonnell said this about the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce settlement: she made a lot of money for spreading her leg.

22 comments:

maven said...

And I keep watching the flash-forwards hoping to see if gas prices ever go down.
That's so funny, Ken. Agree with you that LOST has been mind-blowing this season, and we're actually getting answers.

Michael said...

You know, I never really thought of Sophie as a whiny emo bitch. I thought she was just a whiny bitch, but she's the only one who Paul really connected with as a psychiatrist. He didn't do so well with Laura, Alex, or Jake/Amy. But why does everyone have to have daddy issues?

Tallulah Morehead said...

Ah but on LOST this season, the "Present" is December 2004, which on my calandar is the past, and the flash-forwards are to when Sun's baby was born, which has to be mid-2005 at the latest, which is also The Past as far as I'm concerned, so don't get too excited about those cheaper gas prices; they're from three years ago. On LOST, even the future is the past. How confusing is that?

What confused me this evening was that Michael managed to sail home from The Island in that little boat, mess up his life, smash himself up in that car wreck, recover from that car wreck, and get onto the freighter in time to sail to the island, and it all occured during season 3, which was supposed to be about - what? - 3 weeks? 4? That's one speedy freighter, and Michael bounces back from a near-fatal car crash damn fast!

But it's nice Ben only kills bad people, like the entire Dharma Initiative. I guess they were all bad. And Tom's boyfriend Arturo was cute. Since Tom is dead, I wonder if Arturo needs comforting.

Although I'm sure we've seen Amanda Overmeyer's entire range, still, think of all those poor people who will be seeing the touring show. Instead of Amanda, who is limited but entertaining, and has emotional maturity FAR beyond all other female IDOL contestants past and future (Which is still the past. I'm confused.), those poor suckers will be subjected to Kristy Lee Cook's Godawful country mangling. The Horror. The Horror. I dread Andrew Lloyd Webber Week for many, many reasons, but most of all for my dread of hearing Ms Cook's rendition of THE PHANTOM OF THE GRAND OLE OPRY.

Cheers.

blogward said...

But has the fat bloke lost any weight?

Daddy Background said...

F.P. SANTANGELLO?

Ack.

Any reference to former Expos jettisons me from comedy-land and into heart-ripped-out-of-your-chest-ville.

I still have issues, this many years later.

And Barry Bonds is still a bum.

What was that famous quuote by A. Bartlet Giamatti? (Who died how?)

Happy to be checking in from my home computer where I can finally add my voice to the comments. Just for the record all you faithful posters, I enjoy (very quietly so far) reading your comments almost as much as Ken's original post.

("BANNED!" decrees Ken Levine.)

OK. I guess I have to go back and read the rest of the post now. F.P. Santangello. Ye gods and little fishes. Can't wait for the Casey Candaele post.

A. Buck Short said...

For your dining and dancing pleasure: the world famous statue of Dolly Parton with her re-creation of the almost-equally-world-famous statue of the Little Mermaid in Copenhagen. (In the words of Kellie Pickler, “The country, not the chawin’ tobacky.”)

Erected in front of the county courthouse in Sevierville, TN (“Where Smoky Mountain fun begins!”) -- birthplace of the “world famous AND world famous” chanteuse, and gateway to Dollywood. Yes we know you had hoped for a bigger bust, in which case the piece might have been erected faster. But the sculptor must have captured the dollies during a bout of anorexia -- or at least while power exhaling. And yet, Sevierville still retains its unofficial nickname, The Twin City.

http://www.city-data.com/picfilesv/picv18901.php

And b’cause we want y’all to comeback, here as a bonus, by the same sculptor, outside the Centerville, TN courthouse, the late Minnie Pearl as Don Quixote pose. We know, we know! You can hardly believe it. But that is our quest. http://www.flickr.com/photos/brent_nashville/181269283/

-----"My brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
-----Emo Phillips

Tom Quigley said...

As long as we're talking potpourri today, I'm waiting for one of the morning network news shows to hit me with the following tease:

"Coming up on this special Good Friday edition -- an in-depth report on the Shroud of Turin.... But before we get to that -- 'Boob jobs: Has your favorite Hollywood starlet had one?'....."

charity said...

ABC will carry the presidential debate on April 15th. Judges determining the winner will be Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba, and Bruno Tonioli.

coffee-out-of-nose clean-up in aisle three, ken.

and as i reached for a tissue to wipe the dribble off the monitor, there was this:

Heather Mills divorce settlement: she made a lot of money for spreading her leg.

tissue doing double duty as i wipe tears of laughter from my eyes. thanks for a great waker-upper.

Jim Endecott said...

I think the collusion they are investigating is why all of the teams have suddenly closed their medicine cabinet thus making Barry "It's just a bee sting" Bonds utterly fucking useless...

Great Mills joke btw.

Go Mariners!

-Jim

charity said...

oh, i forgot to mention this: LOST lost me after a season and a half. i, as a viewer, felt way too jerked around, and the show never regained my allegiance.

there are only so many hours in a day to watch tv. for episodic drama, it has to keep my attention and once "lost" or offended (see: nypd blue after david caruso left) i don't return. there are simply way too many other things to watch or do or see.

btw, i'm loving "dirt" and especially "the riches" on fx. "dirt" is a dirty little pleasure and very off beat, not perfect, but really fun to watch.

"the riches" - well, i think it has one of the most original concepts on tv right now, especially the background story. and it has EDDIE IZZARD! what's not to like? the kid actors are quirky and talented - as is most of the rest of the cast. good show.

i'm also liking "new amsterdam" on fox.

and for a real girly-girl show that i assume men simply don't "get" - "men in trees" is sort of a girly-girl northern exposure and sex and the city all rolled into one (and ripped off, too, i might add.)

not that you asked.

;-)

Anonymous said...

"I hate myself for laughing but KLAC sportstalk host Big Joe McDonnell said this..."

You should hate yourself for listening to the odious Joe McDonnell, the most unlikeable man, not just in sports talk, but all LA radio.

jbryant said...

buck: I think the Dolly Parton statue is actually anatomically correct. That guitar she's clutching to her chest is a custom collaboration between Fender and Playtex. It's strapless, thanks to the two extra soundholes in back.

D. McEwan said...

Why is it that, everytime LOST gets discussed here, someone has to inform us with excessive rightousness why they stopped watching it two seasons back, generally for reasons that boil down to "They didn't wind up the story in season 2"? (After an episode like last night's, they can hardly claim that we never get any answers.) Do you LOST haters really think that those of us hooked on LOST are going to realize how misguided we who love it are and join you watching - what? - The Apprentice? Men in Trees? (The men are in the trees to avoid seeing this show, which their wives and/or girlfriends - both if they're a governor - are watching. No male on earth watches it voluntarily. Not even the ones on it.)

Same with AMERICAN IDOL. Though not a great show like LOST, nonetheless, you can bank that every one of Ken's postings on it will have a handfull of "How can you watch that drivel that is killing scripted TV? I HATE American Idol" comments.

Sorry you don't like LOST, but it's your misfortune, and none of my own. Sorry you can't enjoy AMERICAN IDOL. But we get that you don't. I don't bring up that I haven't watched a baseball game since 1962 every single time Ken brings up baseball, nor that I haven't the faintest idea who F.P. Santangello is. I just skip that paragraph.

I'm sure there must be a WE HATE LOST website somewhere, and we all know there are anti-American Idol sites. Why not post it there?

D. McEwan said...

Oh yes, and NYPD Blue IMPROVED after David Caruso left, in large part because David Caruso was no longer befouling it.

D. McEwan said...

PS. I apologize to all and sundry for being so grumpy and irritable this morning. It's the early symptoms of LOST withdrawal, because I now have to wait FIVE weeks for my next dose of LOST.

A. Buck Short said...

Vigilance! Sources on the hill confirm that the President will try to slip Goodman, Inaba, and Tonioli by Congress with unique spring break recess judicial appointments. Also, thanks JB. Holding onto that double back soundhole image. Could lead to a nasty splinter. Make that two. Ah the world of illusion… but them musical instruments is danger-usss!

I cannot enjoy Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor with wistfully recalling the excruciating death suffered in early 80’s San Francisco by that bouncer at the Condor – the North Beach strip club, made famous by the topless pioneeress Carol Doda. For anyone too young to recall, the gentleman in question had been crushed to death against the club ceiling while preoccupied in flagrant delicto with a club dancer atop the hydraulic rising piano pranced upon a-go-go nightly by the aforementioned Doda. In the heat of passion neither had noticed the motor also becoming engaged – with their “love” in the words of Jackie Wilson, lifting them “higher an higher” toward an inevitable demise. We are not making this up. The star-crossed lovers were discovered the following morning both pinned to the ceiling. Miraculously, cushioned by the deceased, the dancer survived to strip another day. You can look it up; I still remember the article in Weekly Variety.

In the history of the musically macabre, one would have to say the unfortunate experience rivals that of my late uncle Morty, spindled to death on a clarinet while otherwise minding his own business in a Turkish bathhouse. Wouldn’t you like to see America’s Got Talent try to top that?

Ger Apeldoorn said...

Ken,

A bit OT, but thanks for introducing me to Howard Gould's wonderful play Diva. I just finished it and had a great time. "The same thing they did to Marilyn Monroe... and Jezus." Vicious. The second great play about the industry after yours.

I wish I could have seen the version with Bebe Beuwirth.

charity said...

d mcewan - you're pretty mean. it was just my opinion about "lost." my reasons for stopping my viewing of it were made clear. too much time to waste on other shows that apparently you don't like.

i read ken regularly, btw, here and when he first started posting over at huffpost.

i love american idol, no excuses.

and btw, i have no way of knowing if nypd blue improved with caruso's departure. i liked it with caruso. i don't, however, watch any of the CSI shows, including CSI miami (watched it maybe a handful of times to know that my former hometown doesn't much look like home anymore...)

so wow, glad you like "lost." i like "men in trees." um, that would be my opinion, in case you didn't notice, so i guess your mean comments were directed at me too on that one also. i also like "dirt" and "the riches."

AND I THINK ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WATCH AND LIKE WHAT I WATCH AND LIKE NEEDS TO LEAVE THE INTERNET FOREVER.

okay, i'm kidding about that.

lighten up, dude. i never said you were a jerk for sticking with "lost" though your knee-jerk reaction is kinda cute.

Anonymous said...

Who the hell is F.P. Santangello??? I asked T.J Simmer the same question and he couldn't answer it. Wait - BREAKING NEWS!. KLAC is now the home of Galaxy play-by-play. Complete with pre and post game coverage......Ken, your next sport reporting opportunity.

D. McEwan (Blue Meanie) said...

Char,

I'd have responded sooner but I was out stealing candy from those noisy kids on my lawn.

Since you've been reading Ken's blog since The Stone Age then you know that, as I said, EVERY time he posts something about LOST, someone posts about how they can't stand it, gave it up in the second season (ALWAYS the second season, the season that really hooked me.), and how it just jerks us around, never provides answers, has no grand plan, they 're just making it up as they go, etc., etc. And I just got tired of that tired criticism. My "cute knee-jerk" was a cumulative reaction. You were just the straw. I thought my stating: "everytime LOST gets discussed here, someone has to inform us with excessive rightousness why they stopped watching it two seasons back" made that clear. So now I guess I should retract that apology I posted.


Actually, since you've been reading this column since the invention of the wheel, you already know how curmudgeonly I sometimes am. Ken once introduced me to a friend of his by saying, "This is Doug. He's always starting fights on my comments page."

Congrats on not watching CSI. Keep up the good work.


OBVIOUSLY you had no way of knowing if NYPD Blue improved after that phony, affected poseur David Caruso left, since you stated that you stopped watching it then, hence my enlightening you on that point. Jimmy Smits (actual actor) was a vast improvement, although I could have done without his dying of complications following heart surgery, since that storyline aired in the weeks leading up to my own heart-valve transplant.

I haven't seen DIRT. I am a huge Eddie Izzard fan, have all his stand-up DVDs and have been to see him perform live, and a picture of us posing together is on my dining room wall. I saw the first episode of THE RICHES, and found it such a downer that I couldn't bring myself to tune in again, even to see him. I hear lots of people seem to love it. I didn't, and I still don't get casting Eddie and Minne Driver as American southern white trash. Who next? Britney Spears and Owen Wilson as Queen Elizabeth & Prince Charles?

I'd carp more, but there's some puppies next door I want to go kick.

charity said...

d mcewan, wow. you're funny.

Geoduck said...

Re: Lost. It's been established that there is something screwy about time around the The Island, so maybe Michael's had more time to do things than the people on the Island have. As for the car crash, Tom claimed that the Island won't let Michael die yet, so maybe it pumped him full of the same mojo that gave Locke his legs back.