Monday, March 24, 2008

Where can I get a good Screaming O Honey Vibrating Enhancer?

Who needs books? If you go to Amazon.com and search for “Adult Products” or “Adult Gifts” you’ll find they have some delightful items. Note: these are all real. I’m not making any of them up. I’m not that creative.

The Screaming O Honey Vibrating Enhancer

The Screaming O Vibrating Waterproof Octopus Massager (marked down from $19.99 to $9.99 so jump on it.)

Jingle Jugs Animatronic Singing Dancing Boobs

California Exotics / Swedish Erotica Crotchless Fluttering Butterfly G-String

Nearly Me Gaff (which appears to be male underwear with the sock built in)

Deluxe Ben Wa Balls Silver Kegel Exerciser (Yeah, take that to the gym)

French Wrestling DVD (Do both contestants give up? I'm just askin'.)

Brown Beaded Pocket Pal Erection Aid (No fanny pack or purse should be without one)

Adult Play Pail РRomantic Gift Set Contains: strawberry whipped cr̬me, Hot Stuff warming oil, pina colada one oz. Container of wild fruit body dust, two bottles of cinnamon AfterHours massage oil, one bottle of cherry kissing potion, banana body drops, scented candle, and exotic feather.

Naughty Candy Assortment Gift Box (And you thought Big Hunks were sexy)

Boyfriend Body Pillow (I bet it still doesn’t cuddle)

Black Furry Metal Handcuffs Bachelorette Party Wedding Gift (Check out which store she’s registered at first)

Prisoner of Love Gift Basket (Perfect anniversary gift for the gal who has the Black Furry Metal Handcuffs)

Wireless Male Ring Erection Aid Purple (It’s gotta be purple. No one would be caught dead with a green one.)

Centerfold Pinup Sticker

Sexy Sticker Set-Cell Phone Stickers

Humorous Adult Sucks Laser Italian Charm

Tiny Tins Spoons Game (Don’t know what that’s for but maybe it appeals to the guy who needs the Nearly Me Gaff item.)

Fart-O-Meter Adult Costume

The 2007-2012 World Outlook for Adult Incontinence Products. (If you didn’t have trouble holding it before, you will when you see the price: $795.00.)

Hungarian Wrestling, Vol. I DVD (I hope it features the death match between the Great Orsolya and the Queen of Mean – Zsuzsanna.)

Tongue Dinger Personal Massager – Purple (Clearly that’s the in color this year.

Adult Mask

2-Piece Set: Spiderweb Lace Tie Top with Shorts (black, so it’s ideal for formal occasions or funerals.)

Adult Fantasy Baby Bouquet (I can’t even imagine!)

Protection Plus Disposable Adult Pull Ups -- Options: Size Large 40” – 56” with Overnight Protection (and I don’t think they’re talking about delivery guarantee.)

And finally....

James Earl Jones Reads the Bible – Audio CD

38 comments:

BigTed said...

Seeing how Amazon's computers suggest other things for you to buy based on what you've purchased already, I don't think I'll order any of these. My TiVo already thinks I'm a perv.

jbryant said...

Ladies love it when I bring them back to my swingin' bachelor pad, pull out the Prisoner of Love Gift Basket and cue up the James Earl Jones Bible CD to Song of Solomon.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"James Earl Jones Reads the Bible."

Truely ill: the voice of Darth Vader reading The Ten Commandments: "Luke, thou shalt know the power of the Dark Side of the Force!"

That ought to scare some folks into joining me in atheistland.

Oh, I'd love to see your recommendations page now that all those items are on your Recently Viewed Items page.

Cheers darling.

Bitter Animator said...

I think if you're going to tell us about these products, it's only fair that you order them, try them out and review them. After all, if you don't, you could be pushing inferior quality products to your readers.

Let us know how you get on.

Anonymous said...

Don't get the crack about the French. Is it:

1) 'cos they got defeated in WW2 and might is right?

2) 'cos they didn't think that Bush's plan to invade Iraq was really such a great idea?

3) 'cos pandering to common prejudices makes life easy for writers?

I'm not French - or even pro-France. Just sad to see what America has become.

Anonymous said...

Jingle Jugs Animatronic Singing Dancing Boobs

How did they get two Network Executives to pose long enough to make one?

/try the veal

Paul Duca said...

Must be nice to be a professional writer...then you can buy all those things and deduct them from your taxes as "business expenses"

Much the same rationale for the incontinence products market survey--that and the fact the expenses of creating it have to be amortized over a very small pool of potential buyers.

LouOCNY said...

You should check out some of the things our Japanese friends are buying:

http://www.jlist.com/SEARCH/hello_kitty/1/

the infamous hello kitty 'shoulder massager'...so wrong....

Tom Quigley said...

If you're interested in finding out how well any of them work, try asking Eliot Spitzer. With the exception of "James Earl Jones Reads the Bible," I think he's ordered every one of them... The adult toys for the obvious -- and the incontinence products for when he found out he'd been caught...

RAC said...

Dear Ken,

Thank you for the marvelous list--and just in time for Mother's Day.

Signed,

Oedipus Rex

P.S. I won't be needing a list for Father's Day this year.

Great Big Radio Guy said...

Amazon also carries a wonderful selection of fart items, like:

Fart! The Game
FART WHISTLE
REMOTE CONTROL FART BOX
FART - THE MOVIE (uncut 1991 version!)
Liquid Ass Fart Spray
Small Fart Spray
Super Fart Spray
72 Fart Bomb Bags in Display Box (only available in the Used/New section - I'd avoid that one)

The rest, of course, are highly recommended.

Alto2 said...

The writers' strike is over. You should be working! This post sounds like you have too much time on your hands.

OTOH, if I get any of those "lovely" gifts for Mother's Day from my DH, I'm forwarding them to you!

Sebastian said...

Isn't a crotchless G-String actually a tiny belt?

jbryant said...

So, anonymous (of the 2:30 a.m. post) - a crack about the French is sad evidence of "what America has become?" Maybe you're right. I, too, long for that time when Americans refused to engage in such "edgy," potentially hurtful comedy. A time when we got our laughs, if any, from gentler sources, such as Bennett Cerf (a favorite: Q: What's big and red and eats rocks? A: A big, red rock-eater. LOL!).

But then I think, were things really as good as I remember? What of the mothers-in-law, the "dumb blondes," the "Polacks?" These groups might well pooh-pooh (tee-hee) the notion that past "humorists" were any more enlightened that their French-baiting brethren of today.

I fear it will take an apocalypse to return us to the true glory days of comedy. We'll once again be dwelling in caves, sitting around the barren wasteland, waiting for someone to discover fire. So we can light our farts.

cpo snarky said...

Ben Wa Balls...sounds like a Taiwanese shortstop.

KEN LEVINE said...

Had to delete a few anonymous slurs. You're welcome to voice your opposition to my French jokes but if you don't leave your name one must only assume you're a coward. Which might explain why you were so offended by the French always surrendering jokes.

Terese Ramin said...

I can always tell when a writer is having one of "those" days by the stuff that turns up either in my email or getting written about in my personal or favorite blogs. ROFL!! I love "those" days. They're such wonderful grist for the theater of life.

Linda Wisdom said...

Those are totally wild along with a very detailed shopping list for the man who doesn't know what to get his favorite woman, man or whatever. :> Same with the woman. And I'm with Terey. A writer's wit always loves the insane and just downright fun.

I once read about a vibrator that you hooked into your stereo to use music to give it that extra oomph. What came to mind was that Bumblebee tune, 1812 Overture and maybe even that typewriter tune that Jerry Lewis used in a movie. And Ravel's Bolero!!

Linda

jbryant said...

Linda: I suspect a vibrator powered by "Flight of the Bumblebee" would be fatal.

benson said...

But Linda, you might enjoy Cyndi Lauper's She Bop, or Billy Joel's Sometimes a Fantasy.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well surrendering jokes are supposed to be about Italians anyway. One of Sweet Dick Whittington's old standby lines was that the Italian National Anthem was I SURRENDER DEAR.

To even things up, heres a French joke about Americans:

You Americans are so effette, your mothers shave their legs, and your fathers use deoderant, and none of you understand that garden pests make a lovely entree.

Best thing about EuroDisney? No lines.

You know what they teach French mothers when they are pregnant?
Red wine with pablum, white wine with strained carrots.

You know the best thing about French women?
They're all in Europe.

How do you depopulate France?
Tell them Jerry Lewis is touring Spain in DAMN YANKEES, then get out of the way fast!

So if you take the Eiffel Tower, put it on it's side, and insert it through the Arc d'Triomph, then Paris is fucked.

Thank you. Don't forget to slip your waitress a few Francs.

(Sorry, but once you've visited France, as I have, and actually met and dealt with French folks, stuff like this is the result.)

Cheers darlings.

jbryant said...

Fun Fact: Tallulah Morehead's first visit to France inspired the 1927 hit song "Fifty Million Frenchmen Can't Be Wrong."

cpo snarky said...

Tallulah forgot this one:

Q: How does a French woman hold her liquor?

A: By the ears.

emily said...

France DID win a war -- the French Revolution -- and they defeated ... uh ... themselves?

Tallulah Morehead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I don't know if this is available on Amazon but some of your male readers may want to seek out the ANEROS Prostate Stimulator.
It is available in several different versions but I think the PROGASM - White
(cuz no one using this would want to be associated with the color purple?) sounds like the best bet. It's described as " Large, yet agile, "

Zut alors !!!

Here are 2 other often overlooked Adult Pleasure Enhancers:

The Champagne & Bongos LP
Hai Karate Cologne

Tallulah Morehead said...

Actually JB, although I have been plastered in Paris many times, my first visit to France, which was in 1918 while escaping from Kaiser Wilhelm who had held me as his love slave (It's detailed in my autobiography, in Chapter 8 "I Lick the Kaiser"), inspired "50,000,000 Frenchmen Can't Be Right." But my night with Quasimodo in Notre Dame Edna was unforgettable!

But do you know why the French are so rude, irritable, and generally unpleasant to be in the vicinity of?

Well, if you spent a thousand years living next door to Germany, you'd be edgy too.

Cheers.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Oh and Emily, lest we forget, the French DID win another war: The American Revolution. Without Layfette, we'd all be speaking English.

I promise, I'll never say anything else nice about the French.

Cheers

wolf blitzen said...

This just in: France declares WAR on Ken Levine's Blog...

details at eleven...

wolf blitzen said...

New details just in to the newsroom: Details are sketchy, but apparently, after minutes of conflict, France has surrendered to Ken Levine's Blog.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha @ the French joke

Bitter Animator said...

The origins of the French surrender joke are interesting to me. I, for one, wouldn't mind if Mr.L went into it in more detail.

Is it a war thing? Yeah, that might be more suitable for the Italians.

But then, if we can make war jokes, is it still okay to do totally racist impressions of the Japanese with thick glasses and buck teeth that you Americans loved during the war? I don't know what's okay or what is out of bounds over there right now.

Or is it, as the first 'anonymous' asked, more about the fact that they didn't support you guys in blowing the living shit out of anyone you feel like? That at least would mean it's not a 60+ year old joke.

Then jokes about using these impliments to search for WMDs up your own orifices might be appropriate.

I don't know. Now that it has been brought up, I am curious though.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Well speaking only for myself, the root of my French jokes comes from visiting France, and finding it full of the most rude, insufferable, arrogant, and eogtistical smelly drunks I've ever encountered anywhere in the world. Paris is a tremendously beautiful city, and I could not wait to leave it and get back to England, where people were friendly and well-mannered. I never did French jokes until I went there.

And as I do not support Bush's war myself, why would I dislike another country for also not supporting it?

But I loves me my Jaques Tati movies.

love song said...

haha good

Tom Quigley said...

..."the root of my French jokes comes from visiting France, and finding it full of the most rude, insufferable, arrogant, and eogtistical smelly drunks I've ever encountered anywhere in the world."

Fogive me if I'm mistaken, Tallulah, darling -- but doesn't that also describe your first four husbands?

benson said...

Wouldnl't that describe anybody's first four husbands?

Tallulah Morehead said...

"Fogive me if I'm mistaken, Tallulah, darling -- but doesn't that also describe your first four husbands?"

Only number 2. My first four husbands, as detailed in my autobiography (MY LUSH LIFE, available from Amazon.com - honest.) were:

1. F. Emmett Knight, my agent. Gay. Not arrogant. Good agent. Lousy lay.

2. Louie B. Thalberg, studio head. Rude and arrogant, but not a drunk. That's my purview.

3. Count Vlad Tepes of Transylvania. Smelly. In fact, smelt rather like a corpse. 500 years old. Only drank blood. Died the morning after our wedding night, when I opened the curtains. He'd gotten so drunk on my blood, he'd forgotten to return to his coffin.

4. Boris Karloff. Charming Englishman and actor. His family still denies the marriage ever happened.

As for 5 through 11? 12? 13? (I don't remember all of them.) They're for another day.

Tom Quigley said...

OK, then -- I may have gotten you mixed up with Liz Taylor... I'm pretty sure that's what her first four were like...