Don’t you hate to be out of step? To be in a theater where everyone is laughing uproariously at the screen and you’re just sitting there. Or an artist wins twelve Grammys one night and you think he’s a worse singer than William Shatner. You wonder what is wrong with YOU? Everybody else gets it, what’s your friggin’ problem?
This used to trouble me. As a writer, how could I be out of step with the public? And then I realized – who gives a shit? I’m not programming MTV. I’m not running Warner Brothers. If there are songs or actors or shows I can’t stand even though everyone else loves them, so what? We all have them. Here are some of mine, presented without apology. You’re welcome to weigh-in with yours… although I suspect most of the comments will be defending these selections and calling me a dirtwad.
HEY JUDE – I love the Beatles. I must have 95% of everything they’ve recorded. I even have Pete Best stuff and songs in German. And HEY JUDE is one of their most popular. But I can’t stand it. And to make matters worse for me, it’s seven minutes long. Droning and droning. Make it stop.
JIM CARREY – Not remotely funny to me. I know I’m in the minority. But I see that big maniacal grin and I strap myself in for “Overacting Theatre”. I prefer my comedians to be a little more subtle than the Tasmanian Devil. And when he tries to play a serious role (since all comics want to be taken seriously and win an Oscar) he just becomes Angst Ventura.
ER -- In its heyday it got more ratings in one airing than Jay Leno will get in that timeslot in a year. It launched major stars like George Clooney. But to me it is just frenetic speeding gurneys and constant code blues. Every time I’ve had the misfortune to go to an ER it’s a waiting room with a guy bleeding out of his eye for four hours while he waits for a UCLA med student who looks like he’s 9.
PINKBERRY – There are lines out the door for this frozen yogurt. It’s sour. What am I missing? They offer toppings like carob chips and Cocoa Pebbles. Since it’s so sour why not just offer anchovies?
JOHN UPDIKE NOVELS – He’s won every award but the Heisman but I can’t slog through his books. Hell, there is so much detailed description that I can’t get through the first five pages. It’s a den! Got it! What’s the friggin’ story?
CARSON DALY – Why does this guy have a national television show instead of making smoothies at Hardee’s?
…and since we’re in the season…
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – Yes, it’s a holiday classic, maybe THE holiday classic, but I find it so cloying and sickeningly maudlin that I’m sorry, I find myself rooting for Mr. Potter.
… and finally….
COSTCO – There’s a reason it’s packed. People love it. But I can’t tolerate the crowds. And waiting in check-out lines is waterboarding with a shopping cart. You’re standing for fifteen minutes while they check on the price for the case of Lemon Pledge. How dirty does your coffee table, get? Do you really need 144 cans of aerosol furniture polish? You wait forever. There’s always a guy buying $300 worth of Bic pens and paying in pennies. Fifteen kids running around unsupervised while the moms reads tabloids waiting to buy their gross of unfiltered cigarettes. I always have this fear that I go through this two-hour ordeal and end up saving maybe three dollars. And that I use up in gas driving around looking for a parking space.
The Daffy Definition Kontest’s first winner will be announced tomorrow along with the second round. Thanks again everyone.