Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Best of the Golden Globes

Oh boy!! The Golden Globes have been announced. Each year for my friends I review the major award shows and the Golden Globes (except last year when I slept through them). So in honor of the nominations I thought I’d take you back to happier times – the 2004 Golden Globes, when Dick Clark was still producing and enjoying the relaxing music of KOST. Before housewives and cowboys were desperate. Before Ziyi Zhang became a star and household name.

It's the lid lifter to the 2004 Awards season, beginning with the show where the awards can be bought -- the Golden Globes. Winners are selected by the "foreign Press" meaning your busboys at Jerry's Deli. To put the Golden Globes in perspective, Pia Zadora won one. Jaimie Lee Curtiss once threw a big brunch at her house for the "Foreign Press" and copped a best actress award.

Sir Laurence Olivier at one time won a Golden Globe which literally broke in his hand during his acceptance speech.

And they are presented at a hotel owned by Merv Griffin and televised tape delayed to Hollywood with Dick Clark as producer. All meals are prepared on a George Foreman grill.

The big incentive for stars to attend is that they do provide dinner. And they can thank the busboys for voting for them.

The big attraction for the audience is that both movies and television are represented. And Charlie Sheen doesn't host (like the People's Choice Awards which is the Golden Globes with Jamie Cromwell as the biggest movie star)

Three weeks ago I was in that same ballroom to attend a gala dinner honoring the Chairman of Fox Television. Two days later he was fired. It's clearly where Hollywood goes to express its sincere gratitude.

Where else can you see Clint Eastwood and the Queer Eye guys considered peers?

Always glad to see Barbra Streisand...when she doesn't have to talk. And I loved her sheepskin gown. Last worn by Sonny Bono in 1965. Notice how they showed Babs on camera fifty times and her husband (a nominee) maybe twice?

Great that Anthony LaPaglia won...on NBC. This is the same network that refused to approve him for the co-starring role in the short-lived comedy, KRISTIN. Judging by the shot of his wife falling out of her dress, he already has two golden globes.

When Francis Conroy is not the most obscure actor to win an award you know you're in trouble.

Other than Rene Zellweger, none of the other Best Supporting Actresses were in movies that played anywhere other than the Laemelle. What a surprise that she won. The FP loves her. She eats out a lot.

When Rene Zellweger actually thanks the guy who makes sure she doesn't lose anything in her purse then you know these people are taking themselves just a tad too seriously.

I was happy THE OFFICE won. So what if 99% of the audience has never heard of it? Just from the ten second clip they deserved to beat the other nominees. WILL & GRACE put its best foot forward with a vagina joke. And ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT made fun of hispanic housekeepers. Considering that's the Foreign Press it's no wonder they lost.

Do seat fillers get to eat the meals of the people they’re substituting for?

Jessica Lange's hair looked like a Monet haystack.

The theme this year was "lessons". Every actor learned a "lesson" from either their director or family or guy who made sure they didn't lose anything in their purse.

Sarah Jessica Parker looked like she was wearing the Liberty Bell. Best Actress in a Comedy? What a list of Lucys. Debra Messing. Bonnie Hunt. Some girl from MONK. Alicia Silverstone. Sarah beat out the best.

I'm sorry Diane Lane lost. Stop blaming her for JUDGE DREDD.

How many times did you scream "Get Off!!!" during actors' acceptance speeches? I stopped counting at ten.

Diane Keaton actually prepared that hideous, rambling, incoherent speech of hers. We get it. You're old.

Best speech -- no wait, ONLY good speech: Bill Murray's.

Glad “24” won. Quite a few people from the show got up to accept. One was a mole. But whom???

Quick: name the winner of the Best Actor in a Television Comedy. Hint: He stars in THE OFFICE. Another hint: Ricky Gervais. Any ideas?

You can't say Eric McCormack was robbed. I forget whether he delivered the vagina joke or it was one of the other over-actors.

Jaimie Lee Curtiss should have hosted a brunch this year. But it's an honor just to be nominated.

Pacino is starting to look like Frank Zappa. And sound like him. What the hell was his speech about? Even he got lost. I was impressed however, that he acknowledged his twins and actually knew their names.

The gowns were by and large simple and elegant. I have one suggestion for Rene Zellweger: sleeves!!

When you watched the Michael Douglas tribute montage didn't you say "God, he's gotten old?" Highlight of the night for me was seeing Karl Malden. I'm happy Michael received that award because as part of his pre nup with Catherine Zeta-Jones if he didn't win the Cecil B. DeMille Award she was entitled to another million dollars of his money when they split.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY did so well I say it's time for a sequel.

Peter Jackson, its director, forgot to thank the talking tree.

Can you imagine if Sofia Coppola had beaten out Peter Weir, Peter Jackson, and Clint Eastwood? Notice how Jackson acknowledged all of his fellow nominees except Coppola? So Coppola and the talking tree both got dissed.

Nicole Kidman looked like Dorothy Provine in THE ROARING 20's. I'm only sorry that Tom Cruise didn't win because I would love to have seen her have to present the award to him.

Afghanistan wins but SIX FEET UNDER loses again.

All five Best Actress nominees were blondes. The foreign press loves that exotic American look.

Charlize Theron won for a great performance. Who knew she could play ugly?

Melanie Griffith has crossed into middle age. Oh...and get a babysitter next year, Mel.

For the eleventh straight awards show Jim Carrey wasn't funny. And for the eleventh straight awards show he thought he killed.

LOST IN TRANSLATION -- Best COMEDY??? Good movie but excuse me, aren't comedies supposed to be funny? I guess when you work the back sink at Jerry's nothing is funny. bring on the real award shows – like SAG and the Patsys!


taZ said...

I agree with you all the way. Especially with Lost in Translation.
Anyhow, it turned out pretty well... as (almost) always.

CDP. said...

Come on... "Lip your stocking?" Funnnnay.

Then again, Bill Murray could belch the alphabet and it would be funny.

lainieyeoh said...

Does anyone still listen to acceptance speeches?

Anonymous said...

Well I still have very fond recollections of the old style British Academy of Film and TV Arts awards. Until the 9Os the BAFTAS for TV and Film were awarded as part of one mega-ceremony and so viewers were treated to the surreal sight of actors from gritty British soaps hob-nobbing with Francis Ford Coppola.

Hilarity tended to ensue. And then, having ensued, would invariably abound.

I have to agree with your comments on Lost in Translation. It's a sweet movie but on a comedic level it has considerably fewer laughs than Full Metal Jacket.

Now if only Diane Lane could be in some good movies.

Robert Hogan said...

Ken, why are you not writing for this show. They could get Billy Crystal to would be a hoot.