Monday, December 19, 2005

King Long

Saw KING KONG last night. On television it will be called SURVIVOR: SKULL ISLAND.

Warning: plot points you already know from the original are revealed.

I was so geeked to see it based on the trailer, reviews, and guarantee that Celine Dion did not sing the title song.

What movie did the reviewers see? It was at least an hour too long. The first hour. Wait for the DVD, skip to “they arrive” and start there, keeping your finger on the ff button at all times. Trust me, by the giant insects you’ll be pressing it as if it were a morphine drip.

We were told this was Peter Jackson’s homage to movies. We weren’t told it was his homage to all of them.

Some of the special effects were excellent. Others looked like PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE.

The gorilla had more expressions than Jack Black.

Naomi Watts was good in a very thankless role. A beautiful blonde always in peril, tossed around like a rag doll for two hours – it was like O.J.’s ultimate masturbatory dream.

Great dialogue: “It was beauty that killed the beast”.

The big finale sequence takes place in New York on a snowy night. Kong is on Broadway. Ethel Merman will doubtless step in when the show goes on tour. Kong breaks free, kills many theatre goers (since it was opening night we can only hope he whacked a few critics), and storms out into Times Square. Naomi Watts appears, fortifying herself against the bitter cold with a sheer white gown and heels. Okay, I buy that because in moments she’s wrapped in the world’s biggest fur. From there it’s on to the Empire State building where fortunately Tom Hanks is not rendezvousing with Meg Ryan. The planes come, he dies, and you think “three fucking hours for THIS??” At least let him fight Godzilla or Rocky Balboa.

Wait for cable. Or ipod.

And please, I pray that Ang Lee’s favorite movie growing up wasn’t MIGHT JOE YOUNG.


Danny Stack said...

Phew. Finally. I was worried no-one wanted to say a bad thing about it 'cos Peter Jackson's so nice and he did a storming job with LOTR.

But King Kong? Whatever...

Anonymous said...

Personally I'm waiting for Volunteers II: This One's Funny. Ape-blonde-OJ jokes, huh? Guess that's why you get the big bucks.

Paul said...

I was so bored.

Watching everyone run away from those dinosaurs with the obvious green screen background was painful -- it was the worst green screen I'd ever seen.

So anti-climatic. Bleh.

VP81955 said...

Believe it or not, someone has already written a fanfic where Kong falls, but lives:

I'm guessing this person had an older sister who wrote a "Titanic" fanfic with a happy ending...

Lloyd Thaxton said...

I loved your review. I'm sure it will make everyone want to see it. Just to see if you are right.


K Kong

In the meantime, I think I will step on you.

Tea Bag Ladies said...

You might want to correct the spelling on rendevouxing; it's rendezvousing.

Mike McVay said...

I felt that the movie King Kong put at risk Monster Monkeys. Why did they have to use real Monster Monkey's? Why couldn't they have used animated monkeys? Where's the ASPCA when you need them? Or was that ASCAP? Or are they the music licensing company? Or is King Kong the name or radio stations in Seattle and Honolulu ... or is Kong really Delores Kong, the famous financial planner...found at Hmmm.

JimMiller said...

It could have been really great if it had just been done much better. :-)

Chuck Hinson said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chuck Hinson said...

How many times (through three big-screen renditions) can this monkey fall-and-not-get-up? Maybe he's clumsy ... maybe acrophobic?
Anyway, nice cut on OJ. Blonde and slinky would bring him out of the woodwork to watch the fall ... and, if he was within the impact area, I could see the headline: "KONG FALLS ON ASS, KILLS ASSHOLE"

Actually, it's good writing, Ken. What Peter was looking for was undoubtedly the sensationalistic, in-your-face action that draws the undergrads into the box office. Don't worry ... within a few weeks, it'll be sittin' on a rack in Blockbuster.