Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Jack is Back

Loved the comment by Mik wondering if anybody ever wrote a spec “24”. I can just see the rejection letter:

Thank you for your script “5:00 – 6:00 P.M.” Unfortunately it does not fit our needs. There were a number of choices you made that suggest you’re not really familiar with our show. On page 12 you have Jack eating. No one ever eats. You also refer to take-out cartons strewn all over CTU. For future reference, only agents and approved personnel are given security clearance to CTU, not Domino Pizza boys. We pride ourselves on reality. On page 16 you have Jack saying he needs to use the bathroom. Why not a manicure? We have no time for such frivolous activities.

Pay careful attention to the clock. You have Tony driving out to Simi Valley from headquarters downtown in 52 minutes. Everyone knows, at that hour of the day, it only takes 10 minutes, 13 if there’s heavy traffic.

Not once in your script did you have anyone say, “Just let me do my job!” I almost didn’t recognize it as a “24”.

When Jack calls Michelle and says, “Get me those coordinates now or 10,000,000 people will die!” you don’t need Michelle answering, “I know. I’m not a fucking moron. You told me that three times already!”

When the CTU staff learns that Jack’s daughter Kim has been kidnapped you have them all cheering. I don’t think they would do that. They would merely smile knowingly to each other.

And finally, I didn’t find your jeopardy –- Jack trying to prevent Hurricane Katrina -- plausible. Better to stick with crazed foreigners who bought nuclear weapons on ebay and plan to blow up the world because they couldn’t get a parking space at the Grove. Always think realism!

Thank you again for your submission. Although it is wildly uneven and stretches credibility far beyond what any audience would accept I am forwarding it to PRISON BREAK.


Anonymous said...

Of course the last season of 24 was so massively implausible they might as well have had Jack fighting laser belching cyborg Dinosaurs.

If I were to write a 24 Spec script I'd include

a. at least five scenes were Jack absolutely has to torture someone. This time however they're all people who teased him at school and he's just pretending they're terror suspects just for the hell of it.

b. Several exciting "someone's trying to block our access to secure sector J" moments. Remember kids, typing equals tension.

C. Jack repeatedly getting suspended for his loose cannon antics and then getting reinstated. Ideally five times before the first commercial break. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat!

d. A scene where Cheri Palmer, now undead, patiently explains to David in her spectaculatly creepy voice that she had to drop the babies in the vat of acid. "I did it for you, Day-viddd."

e. A scene in which it's revealed that Driscoll's dead schizophrenic daughter has revived as an MK ULTRA cyborg assasin. She's now CTU's ultimate weapon and can be dropped into terrorist controlled territory (most of North Hollywood it seems) where she'll slaughter everything in sight before breaking down and asking Mom if she really loves her...

f. Kim Bauer gets kidnapped by a mysterious masked man who tries to kill her using an absurd Rube Goldberg device. Jack must form an uneasy alliance with some midget gangsters in order to save her.

ben said...

This post may be the funniest thing I've read all year. But I still say there's room for both a reanimated Hitler cameo AND a "Jack Bauer Saves Christmas" special.

Just after "Hugh Laurie's Fun House" (where he gives up this torturous American acting lark and goes back to being one of Britain's funniest men).

Come on Fox!

Al said...

Wow. Funny stuff.

Leader said...

I keep waiting for you to post some "critical comments" on the most amazing "actor" currently on primetime TV - David Caruso.
His performance (and the singular is correct here, he gives the exact same performance every week) on "CSI: Miami" makes me wonder if he took acting lessons from William Shatner.
At the very least they both must have gone to the same "inflection workshop." Wow.

Anonymous said...

just my luck I'll get to do the 'sleeping' hours


Jack snorts, rolls over and farts.

R. K. Bentley said...

Great post.

DarrenW said...

I think you are all just jealous!

Unknown said...

Woah. Is that what a typical rejection letters look like? Or is it purely exaggerated?