The strangest side effect EVER

Any time I see one of those commercials for some unpronounceable drug, half the ad warns you of all the side effects. They scare the shit out of you. Yes, you could get blessed relief from hay fever, but every organ of your body could shut down.

If loss of vision or a severe stroke occurs stop taking this medication.

If you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours consult your physician.

Yeah, I’m going to wait four hours. “It’s only been 3 ½ hours, honey. I’m still fine. The fact that I have no blood going to my head would normally be of concern, but according to the Cialis ad on the NASCAR channel I’m still within the window of acceptability.”

Drug manufacturers of course, are covering their asses. And I’m sure they are required by law to list the possible side effects. Otherwise you’d see 60 seconds of old people doing cartwheels and climbing Everest. And they’d be making Flintstones Lexapro for kids.

Most side effects are blessedly minor. And overall, these wonder drugs – if used correctly -- mostly do work wonders. The long list of side effects are to cover every potentiality, and I’m sure your chances of getting trench foot from a diet pill are remote.

But a friend of mine had maybe the weirdest side effect ever. There is a prescription eye drop that starts with the letter “T”. If reduces eye pressure after a cataract operation. I’m sure millions of people use this drop and it has helped them immensely. One woman I know – and she swears this is a true story – has this uncontrollable urge to take off all her clothes after applying this eye drop. No foolin'.  She’s had to excuse herself from social situations.

Now I haven’t seen this first hand. This woman has never stripped naked in front of me. So I’m relying on her account. This is not the kind of thing she would fabricate, as she is not a Kardashian. But according to her doctor, other similar cases have been reported.

So how about this for their disclaimer if they ever decide to advertise?

This eye drop can cause itching, swelling, headaches, a burning sensation, a cough, runny nose, tearing, fatigue, and involuntary nudity. Do not take while driving, in church, when around football players, before political debates, in Utah, in bus stations, and in outer space.

I’m purposely not revealing the name of the drop because college boys will sneak into dorm rooms and slip it into the girls’ Visine bottles. But as a side effect that one is pretty unique.

And how can the drug company test for that? Do they put lab rats in little Jones of New York suits?

Someday science will solve this problem, but in the meantime this sheds new light on unacceptable behavior. Before, when we’d see someone naked streaking across a baseball diamond or exposing himself at the Mall of America we thought, “This is a crazy person.” Now we know this will pass and soon he’ll be able to drive better at night.