Sunday, January 07, 2007

The Apprentice: LA

THE APPRENTICE is back! NBC has such tremendous faith in the show that they’ve scheduled it against DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. If you’re not familiar with the premise, it’s SURVIVOR except the guys wear Brooks Brothers and the women wear Jones of New York. 18 of the most insufferable preppy arrogant good-looking over-achievers vie for an executive position with Donald Trump’s organization. Another title for the show could be WHO WANTS TO BE MICHAEL MILKEN?

Each week the two teams are given a competing corporatesque task and the person on the losing team who did the worst job is “fired”. But in fairness, that contestant does have the chance to defend him/herself… and by that I mean lie and throw their best friends under the bus. (If the show really wanted to be accurate, the contestant who passed the most blame and ruined the most reputations would win the executive position).

Once a break-out hit, THE APPRENTICE is now floundering in the ratings (translation: it’s a Bear Market). To try to put some zing back into the franchise this edition is set in Los Angeles, not New York. In Gotham, typical tasks were design ad campaigns, open art galleries in Soho, stage promotions in Times Square without getting arrested. I don’t know what LA tasks are planned but I’d like to offer a few suggestions:

They have to program a night on the C/W that gets more than a .01 share.

They have to open a K-Mart in Beverly Hills.


They have to get a CAA agent to return their call.


They have to spread the rumor that Rosie O’Donnell is a member of the al Queda.

They have to drive Faye Dunaway around for an entire hour.

They have to talk NewsCorp. and Viacom into merging.

They have to sell maps to Joanne Worley's house.

They have to give TWO AND A HALF MEN’S Chuck Lorre, script notes.

They have to find a replacement for Vin Scully.

They have to write a screenplay about a living nativity scene and sell it.


They have to run the Betty Ford Center.


They have to talk Sylvester Stallone out of making that new RAMBO sequel.


They have to fill sandbags and fortify Barbra Streisand’s Malibu beach house during the next rain storm.


They have to get TILL DEATH renewed.


They have to host the Academy Awards.

They have to get Madonna’s Malawian baby enrolled in the Center For Early Learning.

And finally, they have to get Jay Leno to stop doing Donald Trump hair jokes. Suddenly, all of the other tasks seem easy.

Any other suggestions? Now’s the time to post them, before the show is cancelled the last week of January.

33 comments :

Seymour said...

"They have to drive Faye Dunaway around for an entire hour."

Very funny.

This is a true story: A friend of mine worked for a while at the Arclight Cinerama Dome movie theater. Faye showed up one evening, demanding of him that she be admitted free. The door person refused. "Do you know who I am?" she politely shrieked.

He did. She demanded to see the manager. Manager came, and again she demanded to be let in free because she was Faye Dunaway, and therefore was apparently immune to ticket prices.

Manager said no. Faye, FURIOUS, said, "The I DEMAND a discount."

The manager replied, "I'm sorry Miss Dunaway; our senior discount ended at 5 PM."

Miss Dunaway left.

zazupitts said...

They have to host the L.A. chapters of the Bloods and Crips at the next Spike Lee premiere party.

Heywood J. said...

They have to wax The Donald's back without getting bitten by that thing on his head.

Wally said...

Did anyone else see some of the M*A*S*H marathon on TV Land this weekend? I TiVoed the retrospectives--excellent stuff.

OhioRuthie said...

What I think of Donald Trump

I wrote about DT today..can't believe his show is still on the air!

Anonymous said...

they have to walk (individually or in pairs) from Laurel Canyon to the Beverly Center without being questioned by cops.

RAC said...

For THE APPRENTICE:

They have to work as paparazzi for a week, competing for the most salacious pics of anorexic, pantyless, or drunken actresses, pop stars, or beauty queens.

They have to run a valet service with Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Paris Hilton, and Michael Richards in Watts and Compton.

They have to direct an episode of ARMED AND FAMOUS in which Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Jason "Wee Man" Acuña, Jack Osbourn, and Trish Stratus have to break up a riot involving apprentice paparazzi, drunken valet drivers, Britney's crotch, and cheesy network executives.

Anonymous said...

They have to find a studio or network exec that will allow a showrunner to hire a writer over 50.

Anonymous said...

make them get an nfl team back in la
and make the kings win the stanley cup

LA Guy said...

WHO WANTS TO BE MICHAEL MILKEN

I can't believe I'm defending him but comparing Trump to Milken is a huge insult to Milken. First because however ethically flawed Milken was as a businessman, he was smart and junk bonds gave rise to a lot of businesses that are still around and thriving today. As I recall there wasn't a lot of collateral damage to his deeds, he certainly wasn't the Ken Lay or Bernie Ebers of his day.

More importantly he has spent the past decade years devoting his energy and fortune to support finding cures for diseases.

And okay, I'll admit it, I hate Trump. He is to business what Terrell Owens is to football; an egocentric, 'look at me' showboat who detracts from their respective enterprises.

dhppy said...

Isn't it more like "Who Wants To Be Donald Trump's Interior Decorator"?

I'd rather compete for free entry into the Arclight (with complimentary caramel corn and parking validation). I don't blame you Faye, that shit is expensive!

Michael Zand said...

Give Chuck Lorre Script notes? Please, please elaborate.

Wally said...

I mentioned something about this a bit earlier today, but since I just watched it on the TiVo, I want to comment again now: Did anyone else see Mr. Levine on TV Land's re-airing of the 30th anniversary 'M*A*S*H' retrospective? (It seemed Mr. Isaacs hogged the on-air talking.) It was a great reunion. I've TiVoed the pilot, which is coming up tomorrow, I think.

Ken Levine said...

Wally,

My post tomorrow will be about the MASH 30 year reunion. Thanks for not blinking and missing me on that show.

Herb Popsfarter said...

Yeah - I'd like to hear more about the Chuck Lorre comment, (I just read the Entertainment Weekly article) but I'll bet Ken can't elaborate for various reasons. (I already begged for a comment on the article.)

Anonymous said...

They have to tell NBC execs that The Apprentice is no longer the crowd pleaser that it was and create an alternative program for the timeslot.

Eric said...

They have to re-make Gigli. Really.

Mr. X said...

They have to come up with an original premise for the next Star Trek movie.

They have to pitch a G-rated script to Quentin Tarantino.

They have to sell 100 copies of Superman Returns without bundling it with Christopher Reeve's movies. No, make it ten.

Ken Levine said...

You guys are SMOKIN'!!! Even though I'm threatened when your suggestions are better than mine, I'm lovin' 'em and laughing my ass off.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled onto the 30th Reunion thing. Ken, for that nanosecond you were fabulous.

For the Apprentice: They should bring back "It Had to Be You"

Dunaway. Urich. That spells comedy.

Mark Bennett

Mike Barer said...

It's what I consider "a guily pleasure"

BTurpin said...

I've got it: They have to - oh wait, the ratings are in, ... Oh well, forget it..

Anonymous said...

They have to construct a time machine, and get back to the day when Donald actually mattered.

jhime said...

They have to write, produce, and direct Judge Reinhold's Hollywood comeback film.

benson said...

This may sound stupid after 2pm ET on Tuesday but....

Get Mark McGwire into the Hall of Fame (and I don't mean by means of purchasing a ticket)

Anonymous said...

They have to get Trump's daughter canned and bring back Carolyn!

D, McEwan said...

Wally, thanks for posting about the MASH 30th Anniversary Show. I didn't know about it. A quick listings check and I found it rerunning at 4AM and set ye olde VCR, and now can see it. I would have missed it without your post.

As for Trump LA Apprintice tasks:

They must successfully pitch Mel Gibson as Tevye in a remake of "Fiddler On The Roof".

They must tutor Pauly Shore to pass the California Bar Exam.

They are dropped off at Griffith Park Blvd. and Hyperion and must find their way out of Silverlake without a map.

They must assemble a goup of 10 LA natives under 25 years old who have actually seen professional live theater.

They must create a comprehensible chart of the storyline for HEROES.

They must get Stephanie Edwards a TV gig.

They must find Trump's soul.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand the comment about walking to Beverly Center from Laurel Canyon without being stopped by police.

Walt said...

Team must catch and tame a wild muskrat to replace the terminally ill muskrat currently residing on Trump's scalp

During KFed's custodial weekend, each team must escort Britney's TaterTot and FrenchFry (one child per team) to a tattoo parlor and the team that comes back with the best tattoo on their team's baby wins!

Teams assigned to keep Lindsey Lohan sober enough for the next day's shoot (Split into AM and PM assignments) Difficulty: Team can't question the liquid that's in Lindsey's "water bottles"

Anonymous said...

They have to compete for the most obnoxious Gavin Polone-like non- smiling "I'm so creative, my head hurts" pose for their respective Trades mug shots.

Heather Leo said...

when I saw DT's bleached-blonde hair in the opening sequence (obviously filmed before the rest of it...where's the bad rug continuity!?) it was clear to me that the apprentice had officially jumped the shark.

tents? yeesh.

Seymuor said...

"The Apprentice has NOW jumped the shark?
This show BEGAN on the far side of the shark. I was crap from episode 1.

Anonymous said...

Did you see episode one? How did any of these so-called best and brightest get out of high school not knowing how to run a car wash?