The LA TIMES Calendar section has been devoting an inordinate amount of space to covering the Sundance Film Festival. Review of the movies, latest scuttlebutt, who’s buying what for how much, etc. Only thing is – I can’t see any of these movies, I’m not invited to any of these parties, I don’t stand to benefit from any of the exciting big deals. And a lot of the names they’re throwing around are known only to Endeavor agents. I’m in the industry and I really don’t care. So I can imagine what all the “non pros” think.
Seems to me the only people interested in this coverage are the people who are already there.
When I broadcast minor league baseball I used to often think, “other than the players and the players’ wives, who the hell is really listening to this? Who cares if we win the International League championship?” I don’t even think the wives gave a shit. Plus we were asked to give out of town league scores. “They’re in the third in Rochester and Toledo has a 3-1 lead. Uh oh, pitching change in Pawtucket where Columbus is threatening in the 6th.” Zzzzzzzzzzz.
So I figured I had to do something to make the broadcasts a little more interesting. I’d hear my counterparts filling time by spelling out the players’ backgrounds. What high schools they went to, hometown, batting average in college, that sort of thing. Zzzzzzzzz.
So I decided that since the audience didn’t know any of these guys anyway I would just make stuff up. Who’s going to know?
A typical Syracuse Chiefs broadcast would sound like this:
“Eric Green up there now. That gold medallion around his neck is actually a Tony Award Eric won in 1984 for choreography.”
“Alex Campusano spends his free time inventing new surgical techniques.”
“Colin Washington is warming up in the pen. Most people don’t know this but Colin has seven brothers and six sisters, all of them named Colin.”
“Mario Infante makes the catch. He’s looking forward to our trip next week to Buffalo. Last time he was there was when he went over Niagra Falls in a barrel. It was pretty scary but he said he did win five dollars.”
“Otis Yelding takes a strike. A lot of excitement in the clubhouse before the game when Otis’ boa constrictor got loose. The ball girl didn’t find it too funny though when she found it in the Gatorade bucket. I’m surprised you couldn’t hear her scream back home in Syracuse. Next pitch…low.”
“Geronimo Sanchez strikes out looking. And boy is he hopping mad. He’s yelling at the umpire, and…I think he’s yelling in Hebrew.”
“You know that baby on the cover of Gerber baby food? That was really Scranton manager, Stan Bailor. They used his baby picture for that cover. I think it was only a year later that he started chewing tobacco.”
Hey, gimme a break. It’s a long season.
So for any of you TIMES reporters in Sundance, it’s okay to tell us Robert Redford was seen in a dress, or that one of the movies this year deals with bestiality. Wait a minute. There actually is a bestiality movie this year.
Hmmmmm? At least that’s what they’re saying.