Thursday, December 06, 2007

Black & blue Christmas

It’s Christmas time in Hollywood and you know what that means – plastic surgery season!

Yes, it’s the time of year when stars or anyone over 28 can sneak off for a couple of weeks and get that face lift, tummy tuck, botox treatment, and boob job they’ve needed since October. Instead of Aspen or Hawaii they can spend the holidays locked away looking like raccoons or Rocky Balboa after a fight.

They need to be ready because in January the awards season begins!! A standard rule of thumb: an actress’ skin must be pulled tighter than the red carpet. What they don’t understand is that viewers don’t say, “Wow, she looks amazing!”, they say, “Wow, she looks like Barry Manilow.” Not that the interviewers are any better. One day Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest will look as one.

Lip enhancements are big these days. Here’s Meg Ryan (compliments of Radaronline.com) from 2001. AMERICAN PSYCHO producer Clifford Streit said it looked like she installed a vagina on her face. Later, they actually did that operation on an episode NIP/TUCK. Meg would be so thrilled to know she's a trend setter.

There is a high rise hotel adjacent to Beverly Hills that reserves two floors exclusively for celebrities hiding out while recovering from their transformation to the Joker. Can you imagine how many poor room service guys are traumatized for life? “Here’s your club sandwich Ms Bullock…AAAAA!!!”

It’s not just women of course who go in for these procedures. Compliments of Awfulplasticsurgery.com, here’s Burt Reynolds turning Japanese I really think so. And have you noticed that every local news anchor is starting to look like Jack Lord, including the women?

One celebrity who doesn’t buy into this nonsense is BOSTON LEGAL’S Julie Bowen (pictured right). And despite being somewhat flat-chested, she’s found you don’t need a boob job to be provocative while at an awards ceremony.

But the astounding thing is that it’s not just stars who flock to the knife and suction hoses. In L.A. a large number of elective surgery patients are…are you ready?…real estate agents.

That’s right. You’ve got to look young and glamorous if you possibly hope to move that tear-down in Mar Vista. Why is the housing market in Los Angeles so screwed up? Because there are now 5,000 Liza Minellis running around with real estate licenses! No wonder everyone makes fun of us!

In the rest of the world Santa asks “What would you like for Christmas?” But here in the land of perpetual beauty, endless award shows, and a tight housing market Santa asks, “What don’t you like about yourself?”

27 comments:

Jason Elias said...

Burt Reynolds is starting to look like Claymation.

Anonymous said...

That Meg Ryan picture is from 2003 and was carefully selected by Radar. In other pictures made that same day, her lips looked just like they were looking in 1998. And even today, her lips look a lot thinner than in that one picture Radar selected for you.

Christina said...

Mick LaSalle, the head movie reviewer for the SF Chronicle, noted the difference in the faces of Jennifer Jason Leigh and Nicole Kidman in his recent review of Margot at the Wedding:

One more thing - and if this sounds weird, sorry, but it comes up for anyone who sees a close-up of Kidman followed by one of Leigh. One face is augmented in some way, whether with Botox or lip injections, while the other is a nice, perfectly attractive, perfectly human 45-year-old face.

No, this is not a gossip column item, but something important about movies: The normal face is simply the better vehicle for conveying emotion. And because the pressure on actresses in their 40s is fierce, and because no critic will ever say it, I'll just say it here. Leigh's face is wonderful, and she mustn't ever let anyone touch it - ever - except for her husband, and time.


Bravo for Jennifer Jason Leigh. I've always liked her, but now I like her more. Read the full review here

Tallulah Morehead said...

It amazes me that Burt Reynolds thinks that looking as he does now is preferable to looking his age, particularly since he resembles nothing so much as King Tut. Why look 70 when you can look 3000? Any day now, his ears will meet at the back of his head. What is the point? Does he think we'll all believe he played Dan August when he was 4? Who looked at Helen Gurley Brown and thought "That's how I want to look?"

As for me, well I'm NATURALLY ageless!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure I only laughed because I can't afford plastic surgery.



(not that it would help)

The Crutnacker said...

I've never personally understood the lip enhancements. Why you'd want to look like a guy who has done a face plant after a bike accident is beyond me. And most wind up making women look like they have Joker mouth (as in Jack Nicholson in the Tim Burton movie).

Burt Reynolds looks like a guy who had an amazing plastic surgeon fix his hideously burned face. He still looks like Burt, but his face now looks 100% artificial.

The biggest tragedy is Nicole Kidman, whose nose, lips, and entire face have changed since she first hit the scene. YOu have to wonder how much of her surgery was guided by Tom Cruise, who now is trying to do an Extreme Makeover on Katie Holmes.

I can't wait until Tom Cruise gets old. There's something satisfying about watching the formerly "cute" men turn into very feminine looking old men.

Of course, considering I look like Charlie Brown without the good fashion sense, I should probably shut up.

Will Teullive said...

The Plastic Surgery Scale

0-Nothing done, that face is all natural every wrinkled tells a story

1-A smidgen of Botox

2- A little Botox a little Collagen

3- A little more Botox a little more Collagen, a slight nip

4- Too much botox, too much Collagen, a big nip and tuck

5- Facial skin start to resemble an over inflated balloon

6- Unable to feign either surprise, disappointment, excitement or any other facial expression

7- You appear to be a ventriloquist because your lips don’t when speaking

8- Like a drunk at the bar cutoff by the bartender, your surgeon no longer returns your calls

9- Michael Jackson and Joan Rivers think you’ve gone way too far

10- During a visit to London Madame Tussauds kidnaps you for their featured showpiece

Anonymous said...

Stars are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Look at what just happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt because she had the temerity to wear a bikini and expose her natural curves.

Emeline said...

Can medicine - plastic surgery - fix the synapses of the bad actors or directors?

Sebastian said...

Don't make fun of Sandra Bullock.

I love that one-fourth german woman :-)

Tom Quigley said...

It's amazing that after 10 years of living in LA and then going back to the "real" world here in Rochester, NY, how put off I am by all the phoniness and plasticity of the appearances of some of Hollywood's past and present major stars... By the way, I know of a great doctor in Encino if Jennifer Love Hewitt wants to get that cellulite taken care of...

A. Buck Short said...

Secret Santa: So what do you want for Christmas?
Me: You’re going to think this is silly or extravagant.
Secret Santa: No I won’t. Go ahead, what do you want?
Me: Well, I’ve been driving by the showroom every day.
Secret Santa: Yes.
Me: And I’ve really got my eye on this one…particular…penile implant.
Secret Santa: There’s a showroom? Well anyway, it sounds like a great little stocking stuffer.
Me: To each his own.
Secret Santa: Shouldn’t the goal be to each someone else’s?
Me: Tell me about it. It’s gotten so bad that now I have to close my eyes and pretend that I’m Sandra Bullock.
Secret Santa: Do you have a second choice?
Me: Uh. Amanda Peet?
Secret Santa: No, I meant a second choice for a Christmas present.
Me: With California gas prices, how about the offshore drilling rights to Jack Lord’s hair?

Anonymous said...

As the belligerent labia enhancer said... "How would you like a fat lip?"

kracker said...

actually julie bowen is not on boston legal any longer.

Jim Endecott said...

Not that he looked good in the first place, but Mickey Rourke's face is so puffed up and distorted it's really painful to look at. I'm not sure if it's plastic surgery or a bee sting.

Although he rocked in Sin City.

-Jim

Michael Zand said...

Watch it Levine. Some of us live in Mar Vista.

Cathy Krasnianski said...

To quote the marvelous Coco Chanel:

"Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty.
But at fifty you get the face you deserve."

What a shame actors (these days) feel they must alter their looks. Soon they will be no more character actors left; only the young and beautiful -- and how boring is that?!

estiv said...

Just as long as Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Buscemi never get their faces done, I'll try not to complain. But it is strange that Burt Reynolds, to take the best example, clearly had no idea when to stop.

Joseph Angier said...

The sad thing is that even the great Jennifer Jason Leigh isn't immune from the ageist demands of Hollywood. Years ago my sister was pleased to note that she and JJL were born the same year - 1958. Then was miffed recently when she saw that that had shifted to 1962. I have no idea - and don't care - what her real age is ... but I had to explain to little sis what actresses have to put up with here.

Anonymous said...

"Look at what just happened to Jennifer Love Hewitt because she had the temerity to wear a bikini and expose her natural curves."

She could have avoided most of the criticism if she'd avoided the wrap around tube top. When you've got that kind of rack, straps are essential.

Anonymous said...

I love Julie Bowen, and now I love her even more.

Thank you Ken

Alaskaray

flem snopes said...

Oooooh, Julie Bowen.

Easy on the ears and a banquet for the eyes.

I'll be looking for her in her next gig.

benson said...

Cathy, your Coco Chanel quote reminded me of one from, I believe, Mad magazine:

"When we were kids, we made faces in the mirror...when we got older, the mirror got even."

A. Buck Short said...

Ken, Congratulation, your St. Nick Counter sendup has be held over for a second day as lead on the Writers Strike blog. According to our BGA contract,two more days and you go into syndication.
PS I don't know which to be more depressed about, that Julie Bowen is no longer on Boston Legal, or that I would never have a shot to be on anyone like Julie Bowen.

Anonymous said...

Julie Bowen is one attractive lady, flat-chested or not. Boston Legal is poorer without her.

The Crutnacker said...

These stars are getting so much plastic surgery because they're upset over the fact that writers are on strike, delaying work on shows, causing them to age unnaturally.

How can you help? Let the selfish writers know that you support the AMPTP in getting this strike ended early. After all, Meg Ryan ain't getting any younger.

Jack Ruttan said...

The real-estate types can save money by just fixing the picture that appears on signs and bus-stop benches.

Of course, if it looks like it dates from 1978, people might suspect something.