Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Golden Globes

What a week! The Writers Guild Award nominations were announced as were the Golden Globe nominations and the Mitchell Report naming those major league baseball players who took steroids. In cross checking I’ve found no one who has made all three lists. For those new to this blog, one of my features is bitchy award show reviews. Oscars, Emmys, sometimes the Tonys and the Golden Globes until I fell asleep during them one year. Not that they’re not important. But the Globe nominations do signal the beginning of awards season (which ends with the Heisman Trophy naming the beginning of December). And so to get you in the mood, here’s my Golden Globe review from a few years ago. It’s okay that you didn’t see the show, remember the show or the movies involved. The really famous targets are ageless.

It's the lid lifter to the 2004 Awards season, beginning with the show where the awards can be bought -- the Golden Globes. Winners are selected by the "foreign Press" meaning your busboys at Jerry's Deli. To put the Golden Globes in perspective, Pia Zadora won one. Jaimie Lee Curtiss once threw a big brunch at her house for the "Foreign Press" and copped a best actress award.

Sir Laurence Olivier at one time won a Golden Globe, which literally broke in his hand during his acceptance speech.

And they are presented at a hotel owned by Merv Griffin and televised tape delayed to Hollywood with Dick Clark as producer. All meals are prepared on a George Foreman grill.

The big incentive for stars to attend is that they do provide dinner. And they can thank the busboys for voting for them.

The big attraction for the audience is that both movies and television are represented. And Charlie Sheen doesn't host (like the People's Choice Awards, which is the Golden Globes with Jamie Cromwell as the biggest movie star)

Three weeks ago I was in that same ballroom to attend a gala dinner honoring the Chairman of Fox Television. Two days later he was fired. It's clearly where Hollywood goes to express its sincere gratitude.

Where else can you see Clint Eastwood and the Queer Eye guys considered peers?

Always glad to see Barbra Streisand...when she doesn't have to talk. And I loved her sheepskin gown. Last worn by Sonny Bono in 1965. Notice how they showed Babs on camera fifty times and her husband (a nominee) maybe twice?

Great that Anthony LaPaglia won...on NBC. This is the same network that refused to approve him for the co-starring role in the short-lived comedy, KRISTIN. Judging by the shot of his wife falling out of her dress, he already has two golden globes.

When Francis Conroy is not the most obscure actor to win an award you know you're in trouble.

Other than Rene Zellweger, none of the other Best Supporting Actresses were in movies that played anywhere other than art houses. What a surprise that she won. The FP loves her. She eats out a lot.

When Rene Zellweger actually thanks the guy who makes sure she doesn't lose anything in her purse then you know these people are taking themselves just a tad too seriously.

Do seat fillers get to eat the meals of the people they’re substituting for?

Jessica Lange's hair looked like a Monet haystack.

The theme this year was "lessons". Every actor learned a "lesson" from either their director or family or guy who made sure they didn't lose anything in their purse.

I'm sorry Diane Lane lost. Stop blaming her for JUDGE DREDD.

How many times did you scream "Get Off!!!" during actors' acceptance speeches? I stopped counting at ten.

Diane Keaton actually prepared that hideous, rambling, incoherent speech of hers. We get it. You're old.

Glad “24” won. Quite a few people from the show got up to accept. One was a mole. But whom???

Jaimie Lee Curtiss should have hosted a brunch this year. But it's an honor just to be nominated.

Pacino is starting to look like Frank Zappa. And sound like him. What the hell was his speech about? Even he got lost. I was impressed however, that he acknowledged his twins and actually knew their names.

The gowns were by and large simple and elegant. I have one suggestion for Rene Zellweger: sleeves!!

When you watched the Michael Douglas tribute montage didn't you say "God, he's gotten old?" Highlight of the night for me was seeing Karl Malden. I'm happy Michael received that award because as part of his pre nup with Catherine Zeta-Jones if he didn't win the Cecil B. DeMille Award she was entitled to another million dollars of his money when they split.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY did so well I say it's time for a sequel.

Peter Jackson, its director, forgot to thank the talking tree.

Can you imagine if Sofia Coppola had beaten out Peter Weir, Peter Jackson, and Clint Eastwood? Notice how Jackson acknowledged all of his fellow nominees except Coppola? So Coppola and the talking tree both got dissed.

All five Best Actress nominees were blondes. The foreign press loves that exotic American look.

Charlize Theron won for a great performance. Who knew she could play ugly?

Melanie Griffith has crossed into middle age. Oh...and get a babysitter next year, Mel.

For the eleventh straight awards show Jim Carrey wasn't funny. And for the eleventh straight awards show he thought he killed.

LOST IN TRANSLATION -- Best COMEDY??? Good movie but excuse me, aren't comedies supposed to be funny? I guess when you work the back sink at Jerry's nothing is funny.

Okay....so bring on the real award shows – like SAG and the Patsys!

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

The thing that irks me the most is how much of a pass the NFL gets on PED use. I realize that the NFL started testing for steriods some 20 years ago, but the NFL was at the point MLB is now at that time. It just goes to show how far ahead the PED curve the NFL is as compared to MLB. HGH is now the big thing going on in the NFL and MLB, but I'm sure that HGH use has been rampant in the NFL for years and years. In fact, NFL players have probably already moved on to the next big thing that MLB players, by and large, haven't even caught on to yet.

I just wish PEDs weren't portrayed as just a Baseball problem when I'm sure that they are an even much bigger problem in the NFL.

The Crutnacker said...

Damn. Ken's used up his backlog of blog entries and now HE is in reruns. Of course, if it's new to you, it ain't a rerun (or whatever the hell NBC used to say).

As for MLB, I say we get rid of all drug testing and let them do whatever the hell they want. Then we can laugh at their asses when they show up at their hall of fame speech at half the size of their playing days with all sorts of physical ailments.

Either that or we bring the fences in 100 yards.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Of course, if it's new to you, it ain't a rerun (or whatever the hell NBC used to say).

Charles Manson in prison on "Family Guy," watching TV: "If I haven't seen it, it's new to me."

never_suprised said...

I don't know how anyone can watch sports anymore - I lost interest years ago. Between the thugs and criminals playing in the NBA to the rampant cheating in the NFL and baseball, it's just no fun. But then I suppose most people don't care - they just need an excuse to gamble or tailgate.

brian t said...

Oi - what you got against James Cromwell? I've just started the last series of Six Feet Under on DVD, and so far his (Emmy-nominated) character has undergone electroshock therapy and has forgotten that he has kids. As if 6FU wasn't already depressing enough...

I'll never forgive Anthony LaPaglia for his part in Frasier - an Aussie bolstering the Hollywood myth that all British men are either snobs or slobs. Who wrote that character, anyway..?

Jake Hollywood said...

I hear the Board at Cooperstown is making plans to build a special wing to the Hall just for the Steroids Era. Somewhere Mark McGuire is thinking to himself, I knew I wasn't the only one. Maybe I'll get in the HoF after all.

A. Buck (aka Trumbo) Short said...

Jeez Ken, you're turning out product so fast, one doesn't know where to respond.

So as we say in the UK, “Mazeltov old chap.” But boy are you two-faced. Have you forgotten that the BBC must also be part of the Hollywood Foreign Press Assn?

I have been tied up for a month pulling BBC and ITN archival news footage to fill in the blanks on a documentary about the resurgence of European antisemitism.(Shooting a mere 150 hrs. just doesn’t quite cut it?) I Booleaned "writers" AND "strike," and I guess it takes about a week to archive your news cut. But not finding anything else must mean that BBC-TV's first and only produced piece so far is – wait for it – YOU.

A lot of other MSM are also acknowledging that the good guys are winning the “propaganda war,” Herr Goebbels (yes, we’re licensing Deutsche Welle too). WGA videos are going viral (OK, some maybe just bacterial). Fellow travelers are posting on non-screenwriter related megasites – HuffPost, dKos, of course Youtube, etc.

Maybe I’ve missed it, but I haven’t seen any call to action for the huddled masses beyond phone, write a letter, or mail a pencil. (How many others do you think closed their correspondence with “So long Zucker?”) And I guess we’re pretty much beyond “bring a covered dish.”

If the huge, gluttonous conglomerate bastards were going to cave from feeling ill-thought of, well that was so Time-Warner AOL ago.

What’s missing seems to be an “or else. How can the public apply actual pressure? Watch less broadcast or cable? Sure ratings go down, but not share; everybody’s in the same boat. Plus their only cost is residuals.

Lose some ad revenue? So what, they’ll rent our DVDs? Hey we’re vertically integrated. Internet? Shit, that’s where we plan on making all our money anyway, good that even more are gettin’ in the groove.

What can strike fear in their corporate hearts, like maybe losing us in the long run to something they don’t control? Ever thought about numismatics? Gardening? Oh wait – rob Peter to pay Archer Daniels Midland? Reading? Faaggetaboudit.

One of the few things I can think of, and I know I'm far from the first, is writers collectively O&Oing addictive entertainment Internet product the conglomerates don’t control. Problems not fully thought out though: 1) What’s to prevent them from just buying up those sites like everything else? 2)During the strike is one thing, but afterwards writers still need to go back and make a living.

Just thinking out loud. Any suggestions besides correspondence opening with, “Better get somebody else to start your car?”

Schottzie03 said...

Al Pacino looking and sounding like Frank Zappa is perfect and hilarious and even more true today than when you posted it originally.

Good eye, sir.

Dwacon® said...

I'd like to win something.

Even the Publisher’s Clearinghouse would be nice.

I was nominated for Publisher’s Clearinghouse. Does that work?

Seriously though, I hope Michael C. Hall wins for his awesome work in Dexter (a show that should have received more nods).

Anonymous said...

NFL PED use? SAG's use of a scab NFLer is more to the point.

Can you imagine a union run by a scab? Amazing.

The Crutnacker said...

A M*A*S*H comment on Countdown with Keith.....

He called Bill O'Reilly the Frank Burns of news.

Anonymous said...

The Golden Globe is the only award where the winner has to pay money out of pocket to take home.

Jake Hollywood said...

Maybe "Jackass" should've been nominated...

Internet? Ha!

AMPTP Discovers a Cash Cow, aka "The Internet"

The Crutnacker said...

I haven't had a chance to review the list. Was Lenn Sakata on it by chance? He's my favorite Oriole, and I'd hate to have his stellar mediocrity tarnished in my mind.

Jack Ruttan said...

Happy that that's a Monet haystack, and not a Jackson Pollock one.

(took a while to think of name of 'grotty' artist everyone would know)

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised James Gandolfini and Robert Iler weren't nominated. Maybe SOPRANOS fatigue.