Sunday, March 22, 2009

Get a bikini wax, go to jail

Shaping up to be as controversial an issue as Roe vs. Wade or even more, New Jersey (a state so free of crime that it has time to address such issues) is considering banning bikini waxing. Two women have sustained the heartbreak of infections. Why it’s almost an epidemic!

The state Board of Cosmetology and Hairstyling (known for their thug-like tactics) are pushing for the ban, hoping to uncover this whole genital waxing outrage. How many New Jersey women will need Neosporin before this life-threatening practice is eradicated?

And then there are the moral implications.

The strong and very vocal lobby group, Mothers United Frontal Front (MUFF) argues that public hair is a living organism. Who are we to take a life?

And the group Righteous Unto God (RUG) claims that “the short and curlies are the Lord’s welcome mat”. There are even biblical passages to that effect but people often mistake references to “the Promised Land” as meaning something else.

Equally vocal and passionate in their defense of Bikini Waxing is the organization Sisters Halting All Vagina Eavesdropping (SHAVE) who vehemently contend that a woman’s body is her own and it’s nobody’s business other than her boyfriend, husband, or subscribers to her webcam.

Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in the Garden State -- only the face, neck, abdomen, legs and arms are permitted and Jeff Lamm, a spokesman for New Jersey's Division of Consumer Affairs, which oversees the cosmetology board says (and this is an actual quote), "The genital area is not part of the abdomen or legs as some might assume." If this is true than I have been stroking the wrong areas for nothing.

The state Board of Cosmetology will next meet on April 14 to decide whether to move forward with banning the procedure. There is, I understand, tremendous support from law enforcement agencies, who look forward to examining the female population for suspects.

The law would take effect sometime in May. So predictably, there is a huge rush for New Jersey women to get it done now. As one hirsute Fairlawn woman told me, “I will go to Brazil if I have to to get my bikini wax! Even Pennsylvania!”

I will continue to keep an eye on this story.

29 comments:

Lee Ann said...

Are you kidding me?

emily said...

Speaking as a faithful member of Young Organized Women (YOW!)and also the Organized Unwed Childless Hussies OUCH), let me assure you the Full Brazillian may appeal to many men, but is not for the faint of heart. Guys, let me apply a big glob of hot wax "down there" on the family jewels, and then tell me if you still think it's all that appealing.
As for me, I'm moving to Jersey in the morning.

Harold X said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dan said...

The joke is that it's no joke. I feel so proud to live in NJ.

Harold X said...

Couldn't get it to hot link.

No, Ken is not kidding:

http://blogs.usatoday.com/ondeadline/2009/03/new-jersey-may.html

John said...

Can't Jersey girls just go over to the petrochemical plants in Elizabeth and get the hair dissolved off. Or covered up by tumors, either option would work just as well.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

I will continue to keep an eye on this story.

Just had to get a dick joke in there, huh? ;)

jbryant said...

These bush-league anti-waxers are causing quite a flap with their fuzzy logic. Some folks have had enough of their lip: a group called "Tenafly Waxers Acting Together" has just formed to fight the ban. All they need is a catchy acronym.

Marcel said...

"public hair", hehe. Most people around here treat that hair as rather private :-D

Anonymous said...

Where did you find the photo at the to of your post? Do you have a stash of such pics in case you need them. Or did you find it today? Anyway, I am impressed!

Anonymous said...

The least you could have done, Ken, is to provide a hot link.

This is an important area and would be, I think, a good one to poll.

Will Teullive said...

Having spent many summers of NJ beaches,I discourage this movement. There is nothing that ruins the beach experience more than a woman strolling the shores with Buckwheat in a leg-lock...The fat guy from Quebec in the banana hammock is a close second.


WV: Flessism..Systematic discrimination of people of Fless origin.

Sebastian said...

Ken's only trying to get back on that bad filter list :-)

Anonymous said...

Did you write this?

In the episode “Woody Gets an Election,” from the eleventh season of Cheers, simpleton Woody Boyd receives some advice from Frasier Crane. Frasier suggests that even an awful candidate can receive a meaningful percentage of an election’s votes simply by mouthing empty platitudes, such as “change.” “Say the word ‘change’ a lot,” says Frasier. Embracing this advice, Woody goes on to win the election.

Vermonter17032 said...

Hey, don't blame New Jersey for this move. If they allow bikini waxes to go unchecked, they'd have to change the state's nickname from the Garden State.

rob! said...

I guess we can expect a song from Bruce Springsteen about this eventually...

Mary Stella said...

Hey, New Jersey has always been a big hair state. (Except in Southern Jersey where I'm from.)

Springsteen already wrote a song about it. Don't you know that Pink Cadillac is a metaphor?

This movement is pretty radical for Jersey. I don't think the state every voted for Bush before.

Nancy said...

As a newspaper reporter, I saw the word "public" rendered as "pubic" many times over the years, sometimes to hilarious ends, as when one of two city councilpersons suspected of canoodling described their relationship as "the same as any between two pubic officials."

The post, however, is the first time I saw it go the other way.

A. Buck Short said...

It’s a slippery slope my friend. Next they’ll be going after the bris. Photo, priceless!
But this is why I’ve always stopped at the Argentinean Wax – a little lower and to the left. And as you are well aware, in NJ it’s always been about where to exit. What are you, on some sort of alert system for these crises? If so, you probably caught this morning’s Huffpost update, that NJ has apparently decided to reverse course and go with the grain. Thereby cutting off continuing opportunities for coy wordplay instead:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/03/23/nj-scraps-brazilian-wax-b_n_177913.html

But why ruin an otherwise inspirational post.

I had been wondering what happened to all that pubic hair over the Net? And that was only on the website for The View. Although not completely related, in a prior millennium, I once did an entire radio talk show hour calling Village Voice personals ads for “masseuses,” trying to convince them that, since I had a prosthetic leg, I should only be charged for three-quarters of a “complete” massage.

These things go in cycles. Next year, we predict it will be all about mirkens
and Rogroin. Then on to coloring an foil streaking. Ewwwww. Besides, it’s where I keep my gum.

Mark Martino said...

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this article about the eight patterns of humor:

http://www.gizmag.com/uk-researcher-claims-there-are-just-eight-patterns-behind-all-humour/11295/

blogward said...

@markmartino - Mark, there are only four jokes, to wit:

1. A logical premise with an illogical consequence(surreal);
2. An illogical premise with a logical consequence(the majority of funny jokes - it's how you get into the illogical sit. that counts);
3. An illogical premise with an illogical consequence(hellzapoppin);
4. A logical premise with a logical consequence.

4 isn't actually a joke, but the trick is to approach it as close as you can. Overshoot and you get unfunny comedy. Try this little matrix next time you're trying to think up jokes.

wv sortlize - what Politicians have instead of Rolodexes.

Anonymous said...

not to mention all the hard-working americans who were losing their jobs to brazilian outsourcing.

Harold X said...

Anonymous said...

The least you could have done, Ken, is to provide a hot link.

This is an important area and would be, I think, a good one to poll.



Um, I furnished a link several above yours. Wasn't able to code it, but you can cua-and-paste (if not read), right>

unmat: a place where they refuse to let you do your laundry

Write Away said...

I've laughed with/at a lot of your material on this blog for years, but "Get a bikini wax, go to jail" is one of the funniest ever. Wonderful work, Ken!

Lou Skannen said...

I'd be most impressed if the Chairperson of the The State Board of Cosmetology was named Muffy Hackenbush ...

Elizabeth said...

Go, NJ. It's about time, I'd say.

Anonymous said...

I thought I stumbled on The Onion here.

I wish/hope that my hair can be whatever state I want w/o some a-hole thinking anything one way or another. Let the Buckwheat-haters bit their lip, please. some of us are just lazy, poor, like hair, or don't like itchiness and pain.
-Michelina

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I guess Oregon will lose its claim to being The Beaver State.

ScreenplayJ said...

I had to say, what a great topic... lol, very original and funny!!