Monday, March 30, 2009

LOST: Juliet explains it all to you

LOST is having another spectacular season. Every episode is a mind blower. In case you’re not up to speed, I was able to secure this letter that castaway Juliet (pictured above) sent to her sister. She recaps the series far better than I.

Dear sis,

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last letter. But you know how crazy things get on the island. Someone suggested I send this “priority” to speed up the process but it still goes out on the same submarine.

The weather has been nice lately. Occasional late day showers but that’s pretty much it. The foliage is gorgeous and the mangos are plentiful. Oh, and it’s 1977 now. Seems the island can go through time. They never tell you these things in the brochure. Yes, it’s an adjustment but Captain & Tennille will be performing on the island on the 8th with special guest stars, the Bay City Rollers.

I’m no longer living in a hastily constructed primitive tent on the beach. I’m now in a suburban housing community. I’ve become a member of the Dharma Initiative. I don’t know what they do exactly but I think it involves science and finding a starring vehicle for Jenna Elfman.

I’ve changed jobs. No more prenatal research and sniper assignments for me. Now I’m an auto mechanic. They must’ve gotten a deal on VW vans here because that’s all you see. But I’ve been impressed. They say Chevy trucks are built tough but these babies can drive through the cloud monster without stalling. I still do deliver babies once in awhile. It’s just that my hands are not as clean. Oh, guess what? Michelle from 24 is here. I just delivered her baby last week. If you see Tony Almeida and he isn’t being tortured by terrorists tell him he’s a daddy.

I have a new boyfriend. His name is either Sawyer or James or LeFleur. I don’t know what to call out in bed. He used to be a bad boy but now he’s settled down and has a really good job as the head of security – protecting us from the pesky hostiles that live out in the jungle and want to kill us all for no apparent reason. It might have something to do with Jenna Elfman being a Scientologist but I dunno.

I can almost see you smirking. Sawyer/James/LaFleur and before that Jack and before that Ben and before that the married guy that Ben killed – I am such a slut. But actually, the last three were in the 21st century so in a sense they don’t count… yet.

To tell you the truth, I’m a little worried about my relationship with Sawyer/James/LaFleur. That bitch Kate is back! Of all the years she could have time traveled to why did it have to be this one? Why she’s back at all I don’t know. Gee, now that I think about it, there’s a lot of shit I don’t know about that’s going on around here. Anyway, if she gets within ten feet of him I’m going to go medieval on her bony ass or at least go back to Jack. He’s also here now. Along with Hurly so there goes half our food supply.

Hey, the good news about being back in 1977 – TAB with cyclamates are back!

More good news – Jin survived that massive freighter explosion. He’s now with us speaking better English that Hurly. And his wife Sun is on the island too but it’s been hard for them to arrange a time to get together since he’s in 1977 and she’s in 2007.

Ben as a child is here as well. I’ve discreetly left diagrams of a vagina in his school notebook. Maybe this time when he grows up he’ll know what the hell a clitoris is.

Okay. Gotta run. The alarms are sounding. The polar bear is loose. Say hi to everyone. And if you can find a valve cover gasket for a 1977 VW van please send it.

Love,

Juliet

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hah!! You can delete this if you want, but just wanted to let you know I'm enjoying your posts. You have really been on your game lately.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what you think but if Lost doesn't screw up its last season, it will remain as one of the best shows of all time. And I'm telling you this like a tv fan not like one of those crazy people who double check every single frame of an episode.

D.McEwan said...

Juliet had an easier time with her Romeo than our Juliette has had with Sawyer and Jack. (Sweet picture of Josh Holloway though. Yum.)

How odd that she'd forget her married lover's name. (Goodwin)

Other stuff she might mention in her PS:

"Between flitting back and forth through time, it's hard to find a moment for myself.

If a man calling himself Locke or Jeremy Bentham comes to see you, don't take up his offer of a visit to The Island; same if a Charles Widmore drops by.

The Oceanic 6 are a bunch of fibbers. Place all the money you can on a bet that five out of the six will crash again in the exact same place, this time on Akira 315. The odds against are so high, that a $2 bet will make you a millionaire.

Never get on a plane piloted by a guy named Lapidus.

Ben is just as creepy as a kid as he will be/was as an adult. The kid Ben keeps lookign at me and saying "One day, you will be MINE!" But then, living to adulthood when you were murdered as a child can screw with your mind. It's certainly screwing with mine.

Larry is here in 1977, but Darryl & Darryl must still be in 2007. Any day now I expect to wake up in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette.

I just delivered a baby I know will be killed in 2004 by a one-hit rock star hobbit not yet born. Man, life here is confusing.

'The Hostiles' are the other people I belonged to for a while. Man, it's confusing.

I saw a 50 foot statue of Anubis, so I guess we traveled to ancient Egypt too.

Just in case I shift in time again, please get me tickets to see Dame Edna at The Ahmanson in June, 2009. Around here, you never know.

Love, J."

Now I know why they call it LOST, because I totally am.

James LaFleur said...

My name is actually James LaFleur, you have no idea how much I wish they would have left my name out of an episode of 'Lost'.

I wish I would have watched this show now, at least I'd know what the hell people are talking about when they find out my name!!

But if my name gives me a chance to hook up with Juliet, who am I to complain??

Rock Golf said...

I love that show on Wednesday's on ABC about traveling back in time to the seventies, being stuck on an island with a bunch of strangers, and trying desperately to make sense of what is going on so that you can make your way home.


And I like LOST too.

Appropriate verification word: snarksc

Mary Stella said...

I don't even watch Lost but that blog is darned funny.

Joe said...

There are weeks when I am sure they'll wander off the beaten track and run into Ricardo Montalban.

maven said...

As a fanatic LOST fan, I'm thoroughly enjoying this season. At last we are finally getting some answers! And I thoroughly enjoyed Juliet's letter to her sister, Rachel (yes, as a crazy fan I know her sister's name).

Chester Carlson said...

Glenn Close was new to movie making when filming "The Big Chill." Looking back, she laughs at her inexperience/naivete. Such as when she told the director her character would never have chosen the china pattern on the plates etc. used in the big dinner scene.
Did you ever have a stage actor or actress bring too much stage technique to a TV set? Or maybe need to tell someone to tone down their Method? How did you handle it? Lawrence Kasdan was polite to Close while she was saying this. What would you do?

watzabatza said...

Lost..I love this TV series, such a great show.

Steven said...

I hope the show ends with them never geting off the island.

carlae said...

On POST SECRET blog a few weeks ago, someone wrote that if heaven isn't like the island on LOST, they don't want to go....and who wouldn't.

Anonymous said...

SPOILER ALERT! Juliet is toast by the end of this season. And another great ...and beautiful...actress gets to do other things, please!

jbryant said...

Joe: I think you may be onto something. Now I fully expect the series finale to have Richard Alpert turning up in a white tux with a little person at his side, explaining everything for us.

tralfaz said...

I love the Lost series. Didn't watch it for a couple of seasons, then did a marathon session over Christmas break a year ago with my wife. We've been hooked ever since.

My theory is that there is another group of castaways on the other island. With Gilligan, the Skipper, the Millionaire and his Wife, the Movie Star, the Professor and Mary Anne!

Gordon Bressack said...

Hi, Ken. Great blog. I have one of my own you may find amusing: http://www.mymindandwelcome2it.blogpspot.com

I'll gladly put on link on my blog for you if you'll return the favor. We comedy writers/bloggers have to stick together.

Gordon Bressack