Wednesday, December 05, 2007

St. Nick Counter

Twas the night before Christmas…

Nick Counter (pictured: right) settles in a nice night’s sleep after six months of telling writers there’s no money or future in the internet. Suddenly, he hears a voice. He opens his eyes and sees the image of Harry Cohn. Harry explains that he’s now paying for a lifetime of greed and treating writers worse than his pets. He’s forced to walk the earth for eternity in chains and watch every Rob Schneider movie that plays anywhere in the world. This could be Nick’s fate if he doesn’t share future delivery systems.

Cohn also tells him he’ll be visited by three spirits – the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. And he can’t postpone seeing them until after he’s had a chance to caucus with studio presidents and Gavin Pallone. Harry must leave. Some stoners in Peoria are about to watch DUECE BIGELOW II.

Nick tries to go back to sleep. But the first ghost arrives. They revisit Nick’s childhood. Back to the time in the third grade when a kid talked him out of his lunch money and he vowed to take it out on writers for the rest of his life.

Then the ghost of Christmas present swings by and takes him to the home of poor Bobby Cratchit, living modestly in an apartment in Pacoima with his family of six. They’re eating a Christmas dinner of Turkey Helper but they’re happy. Bobby is hopeful that the one episode of LOST he wrote will bring in enough money through streaming and downloads to pay for his son Timmy’s private education. Tim is tiny it seems and the gangs at the public school beat the shit out of him repeatedly.

Finally, the ghost of Christmas Future makes its appearance. He shows Nick his own funeral, which is picketed.

Nick wakes up in a cold sweat. He realizes it’s not too late. He can still repent. With love and charity in his heart, Nick calls the WGA negotiating committee and says, “Okay, I’ll give you an extra eighteen cents for each internet airing after the first six weeks but that includes all foreign royalties and precludes any contributions to the health and welfare fund.”

"Many laughed to see this alteration in him, but he let them laugh and little heeded them. His own heart laughed and that was quite enough for him. And it was always said of him that he knew how to keep Christmas well if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

God Bless us every one."

15 comments :

Captain Obvious said...

This is pretty hilarious.


I've been thinking about the need for some Ebenezer Scrooge action about the strike for the past few weeks. Glad to see someone taking a stab at it. We're all on the same page™, after all...


This should be parlayed into a YouTube video. Anyone feeling froggy?


We should also give the Alliance a simple ultimatum:

"Dawdle and delay until Christmas Day, and the New Year will make a New Era."

Jake Hollywood said...

Well, the way I hear it is Pete Chernin who could be old Ebenezer too. Him and a couple of his devoted followers are really pissed at the writers for having the nerve to be ungrateful for the crumbs tossed their way and want to "crush" them...

BTW nice meeting you today at Radford.

A.Buckenezer Short said...

Do I smell next December's Hallmark Hall of Faaaaaame?

Glenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Glenn said...

Wait, Ken, you were at Radford today? I walk 10 to 1 and didn't see you. Coming from where you live, that would seem to be the only time to have gone there, unless you're just looking for an excuse to sit in traffic and listen to XM.

Oh, and Jake, if you're there tomorrow, say hello. I'm usually with Lowell and Babaloo or just have Larry point me out.

Jake Hollywood said...

Glenn: I normally do Colfax (nobody likes that side) from 6 - 9, then I come back and do an hour or so at Radford in the afternoon. Today, I walked with Larry for a few minutes after I had met Ken, then I left about one thirty. I'll be there Thursday around noonish.

The Crutnacker said...

Incredibly heart warming. Let's hope that Tiny Tim grows up to be big and strong.

I've started a message group on Yahoo for readers of Ken's blog. Not sure if anyone is interested, but I thought it would be nice if we all had a place to discuss TV and other things on our mind that aren't necessarily Ken's subject of the day.

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/bykenlevine/

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken, I didn't know you did fantasy....


Here's hoping some reasonable progress is made.

Shell

Tom Quigley said...

Let's hope that Tiny Tim grows up and takes over a major studio.

A. Buck Short said...

Tom Quigley said...
Let's hope that Tiny Tim grows up and takes over a major studio.

He did. It's called UA.

Mary Stella said...

I bet Mr. Counter hears the nickname "Bean" a lot.

Anonymous said...

A TV writer living in Pacoima?

You ARE a comedy writer.

Anonymous said...

Why do you liberals always insisting on demonizing those whose viewpoints you don't agree with? Counter is just doing his job, even as those who say nasty things about him show their lack of maturity and intelligence. Grow up, please!

Former Studio Suit said...

It serves the studios to have Nick Counter be a lightning rod and have the writers demonize him -- I expect he does not make a move without first getting an ok from Chernin/iger/Moonves/Meyer, et al who are really calling the shots here.

Your Humble Correspondent said...

Even stoners dont like Duece Bigelow.