Wednesday, April 16, 2008

AMERICAN IDOL: Top 7

I’m sure for most of the seven remaining contestants “Mariah Carey Week” was the AMERICAN IDOL equivalent of waterboarding. Good luck being compared to five-octave pop superstar Mariah Carey while having to sing those melody-free overwrought vocal obstacle courses that pass for her songs. Mariah Carey can’t even sing half of those songs herself anymore.

Mariah was there to promote her new album, E = MC2 (as if she had a fucking clue as to what that means). But it was nice to see her serve as mentor. People claim she’s a grand diva but I think they’d change their tune if they heard the terrific, down-to-earth advice she gave those kids based on her own experiences. Too bad those pearls weren’t included in the show. I guess it was due to time constraints but fortunately I happen to know what she said and will report it here.

David Archuleta sang “When You Believe”. Usually he claims every song he sings is deeply personal. I wonder how this one connects to his very soul since it’s from the soundtrack of “the Prince of Egypt” and is a song about the Jewish Passover. David wore leather pants this week. I felt like I was watching a Muppet Babies version of Jim Morrison.

Mariah’s advice: wherever you go insist there is a red carpet walkway with white candles.

Who among us can’t learn from that??

Carly Smithson oversang “Without You”. Yes, she has a big voice but the only time she’s going to sing in front of 40,000 people is when she does the National Anthem at a Padres game.

Mariah’s advice: If your high heels hurt you must insist on being carried. If someone suggests wearing comfortable slippers just say, “I can’t wear flat shoes. My feet repel them.”

I hope you’re taking notes.

Syesha Mercado did a song that could describe her fate this week – “Vanishing”. It was lyrics set to vocal warm-up exercises.

Mariah’s advice: Marry a rich music producer and ride his coattails to the top of the charts then dump him.

Poor Brooke White missed her sister’s wedding. If only it was this Saturday I think she could make it. Brooke was completely over matched singing “Hero”. Even her patented bag of tricks (piano, frizzy hair, barefoot) might not save her now.

Mariah’s advice: Insist of twenty humidifiers in your bedroom.

And the added benefit of that is no one will ever again know if you wet your bed.

Kristy Lee Cook sang “Forever”. Another forgettable performance by the Eve Harrington of this year’s batch.

Mariah’s advice: If you have to fly from LA to New York and your dog is too big to fit in a first class seat, have him driven 3,000 miles across the country in a rented stretch limousine.

That’s just common sense of course, but it bears repeating.

David Cook stole the show and possibly the season with his powerful and unique version of “Always Be My Baby”. And Paula gave him the ultimate compliment. She said, “That could be in a movie soundtrack.” No wonder David was so choked up he almost cried. A real movie soundtrack! Wow!!!

Mariah’s advice: If you stay in a hotel, always rent fifteen rooms.

That’s 300 humidifiers if you’re not keeping count.

And finally there was Jason Castro. Awful as usual. The guy just does not have the vocal chops. It was like when Marlon Brando had to sing in GUYS AND DOLLS. And yet, Simon loves him for some reason.

Mariah’s advice: Marry Simon and ride his coattails to the top of the charts then dump him.

Tonight Mariah is going to sing live – either on stage or on Randy’s shoulders depending on how her high heels feel.

16 comments:

Eric Weinstein said...

After watching her "grow" as an "artist" over the years, I think Mariah's advice can be summed up in one word:

"Implants."

Mary Stella said...

I look at most of the remaining contestants and feel they can all benefit from this one piece of true, heartfelt, encouragement . . . "Phil Stacey's single is a buzz cut on Sirius radio's New Country channel, so there's always hope for you."

Tom Quigley said...

I only watched David's and Carly's performances, along with Mariah's comments. She told David: "Don't be afraid to use your falsetto at the end." Translation: "Wear tighter pants than I do." To Carly: "I've just loved listening to the way you use your voice." Translation: "Who the hell are you? I'd rather not have anything to do with any of this AMERICAN IDOL crap. Some guy named Ruben Studdard keeps calling my cell phone and demanding to sing on my next album."

And her "compliments" for the whole group came through teeth clenched so tightly, that my only thought was that she was actually muttering to herself "They told me this was going to be all about ME..." At that point, I left to go do something less objectionable -- my taxes...

San Francisco Photos said...

This b**ch has no talent and Americans fall for her crap every time she releases a new album. What gives? Dump her already!

Nathan said...

Has anyone else noticed that Mariah's facial features have almost completely disappeared? She looks like an orange dot perched on a pair of tits!

RAC said...

I thought I was going to hate Mariah's songs (like you), but after hearing her through new voices, I ended up respecting her a lot more.

Or maybe I was just mesmerized by her cleavage and perfect teeth, I don't know.

I do think people are too harsh on her. On the other hand, I really hate Celine Dion, so I guess we need our Divas, love 'em or hate 'em.

BTW, did you see the hug Brook gave her? Mariah seemed uneasy with the contestants, like she thought their 1-800 numbers would rub off on her glitter makeup.

Anonymous said...

leave Mariah alone. leave her ALOOONE

jbryant said...

In the context of her album title, E=MC2 breaks down like this:

E(cup size) = M(ariah)C(arey)2(boobies)

Mikey Likes It said...

Ken,

Even Sanjaya sang better than Brando in Guys & Dolls! Thanks for the memories...

jbryant said...

Sorry, I think Castro has a nice tone to his voice and seems to work well within his limitations.

I liked how confused Simon was by Randy's reference to a luau. He said something like, "What? A 'loo-out?'" He clearly didn't recognize the word and, being British, thought it had something to do with going to the loo.

Tallulah Morehead said...

Slightly rewritten from GUYS & DOLLS, Jason Castro could sing "I'LL Be a Lady Tonight".

Geeze, I've seen THE PRINCE OF EGYPT three or four times, and I still didn't recognize Little David's song. I think of it as DeMille's THE TEN COMMANDMENTS with better-pacing, and more 3-dimensional acting. You can watch it twice in the time it takes to see THE TEN COMMANDMENTS once, and still have time enough left over for an episode of LOST.

Next week will be POPE WEEK! The Pope will swing by to coach the remaining contestants on Gregorian Chants.

Randy: "Wow Pope-Dawg, you really got your freak on. Just keeping it real, man." (Pope replies: "NO! Please do NOT 'Keep it Real.' That would eliminate my job!")

Paula: "You're a star. I love you. That could be the soundtrack of a Medaeval Mystery Play."

Simon: "Well I thought that was incredibly boring. That just wasn't the right chant for you. I say it every week, chant selection is all-important."

Anonymous said...

mfhMimi has a lovely lingerie closet. I saw it on Oprah last week. It's bigger than most NYC apartemnts. Who am I kidding? It's probably bigger than my humble abode.
Wanna know what else is big?? or bigger....what on God's green Earth is happening to visage and bosom hither and yonder?
Missiles for breasts and mild to extreme facial paralysis via silicone saline collagen Botox et al....
Fillers rule!! My own persoanl demitasse cups are now the exception rather than the norm. When I watch Mariah aka Mimi, and I gotta say, she seems benign, I can't help but think...Titty Titty Bang Bang. And what is it with faux vocal stylists singing the piss out of every song?

jbryant said...

Songs that will NOT be performed on "Pope Night":

The Boy is Mine
Father Figure
My Secret Love
Don't Speak
Watching Scotty Grow

sephim said...

You forgot Papa Don't Preach, More Than A Woman and Ben.

Michael Zand said...

Ken,

I read in the Times today that David's brother, who is undergoing chemotherapy, was in the audience that night. That could explain the tears. He went out and embraced his brother during the break. Classy of him not to mention it.

jbryant said...

David Cook also avoided appeals to sympathy on last night's elimination show, despite prodding from Ryan.