This is another one of my blog experiments. But one that could be very lucrative to YOU!!
In improv class this week Andy Goldberg came up with a great exercise. (Andy’s book on improv is the gold standard by the way.) He essentially gave us a MATCH GAME question. We then wrote out our answers and compared them. And I thought, “Hey, this would make a great contest!”
So here’s the challenge to you great comedy minds out there – I give you the first part of the sentence and you finish it. File your entries in the comments section. A noted Emmy winning comedy writer (not me) will pick the five finalists. (I won’t divulge who that is so that everyone who doesn’t qualify hates him/her.)
Once I announce the finalists, YOU will vote for the winner.
Enter as often as you like (within reason). They don't have to be Rated G but if the judge goes "Yikes" reading your entry you're pretty much dead. Oh, and this should go without saying but I'll say it anyway -- unless you leave a name your entry will be disqualified. "Anonymous" will not be the winner.
Deadline is 11:59 PM PDT Monday, April 14. That still gives you a day to fill out your taxes.
One final note: Please just enter the kontest and not comment on those who have. As is the case with writers rooms, writers need the freedom to pitch anything without fear of being ridiculed. And sometimes the most off-the-wall pitch is the one that hits a home run. So I have deleted a number of these non-pitches and will continue to if more appear. Come on, people. This is all in the spirit of fun.
"And what do I win?" you say, and "It better be good." Don't worry. It IS. As you know this is a BIG money blog. So I hope you’re sitting down because the winner of Ken’s Komedy Kontest will receive ...(drumroll)
A personally autographed collector’s edition script from AfterMASH!!!!! In mint condition!!!!
I know. How does he do it??
So now, with that amazing prize up for grabs, here is the sentence.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he __________________ .
Good luck laugh meisters.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Ken's Komedy Kontest!!!
454 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 1 – 200 of 454 Newer› Newest»Couldn't finish this sentence.
couldn't clean his banister with pledge
had three pellets removed from his left buttock after a failed shotgun wedding.
forced his sister Mary to change her name to Gertrude.
...avoided the Good Humor man. Anyone in a white jacket, really.
...bought a set of just "His" towels.
...got hives whenever someone did the Chicken Dance.
...leased his blowup doll.
...rolled a D20 on a first date to decide how much to tip.
...dated Liz Taylor.
...wore running shoes to his wedding.
had the words MY SUNNY DISCLAIMER tattooed on his penis.
broke out in hives after seeing the epilogue of that romantic comedy.
had a doormat with the word LEAVE on it.
Stopped in mid-air after jumping off a building.
divorced his parents when he was in kindergarten.
kept a framed picture of Bill Clinton on his nightstand.
What part of "don't submit an entry as Anonymous" did I not make clear???
DON'T SUBMIT AN ENTRY AS ANONYMOUS!!!!
It will not be considered. Thank you.
...answered Ken's challenge as Anonymous.
named his cat "we'll see how it goes"
...got pulled over because he couldn't pick a lane
never burned down the mental hospital.
checked his swing.
pulled out.
asked the waitress how much he should tip.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he posted as "Anonymous" wherever he went.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he wore a condom when masterbating.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he didn't tune into shows after watching the pilot.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he considered AfterMASH out of his league, especially after staring at MASH from across the bar for 11 years and never having the courage to say Hi.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he handed his fiancee his wallet and the keys to his house after she proposed marriage to him.
...ended up getting committed.
...couldn't be sure he had a fear of commitment.
...became president.
...asked the audience whether he should phone a friend.
...posted his personal ad in the obituaries.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he once got married nine times in a week.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he took his Mom to bachelor parties.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he got a parking ticket choosing food at the drive-thru restaurant.
Oopsy Daisy. Sorry Ken. My excitement for the contest rendered me temporarily unable to read/follow directions.
I'm the dunce responsible for the above Anonymous posts.
...let himself go.
...burned down a string factory.
...is waiting to see if the tenth dentist comes around.
...let the guys at National Lampoon kill that dog.
Are corrections allowed? If so,
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he once married nine different girls in a week.
Hell, I tried.
...he wanted a chance to "see other mothers" in the Maternity Ward before agreeing to go home with his own.
Only dated women on death row.
his wife had to include an $8 million signing bonus.
DID have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.
couldn't decide who to vote for: the purple or turquoise M&M.
Sorry, but could I amend mine to...
"...just let himself go."
Thankyaverymuch.
. . . he only stayed in Rev. Wright's church for ten years.
...only dated Alzheimer's patients.
...always wrote love letters in disappearing ink.
...wouldn't eat beans, broccoli or any other food that might repeat on him.
...wouldn't have any pets - except mayflies.
Danny had such a fear of commitment, that he reminds his psychoanalyst about it at every session.
rented his toothbrush.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he's just had his 13th sex change operation.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he divorced his third wife while in the womb.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he became ambidextrous.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he would keep his eyes closed in a singles bar.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he would break out in hives at the hint of lingerie.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he only engraved his name inside his wedding ring.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he visits the Mosque on Friday, the Synagogue on Saturday, and the local parish on Sunday.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he abandoned every blog comment before fini...
doesn't buy any two-DVD sets.
Oh my lordy! I loaned that book to a friend of mine several years ago and he has yet to give it back.
anyhow.
"Danny had such a fear of commitment that he bought out the warranty on his dishwasher."
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he never looked into his tissue afterwards...
...divorced himself.
...became a Superdelegate.
...went FiCore.
... broke out in cold sweat and rusted through his platinum wedding ring the moment his wife slipped it onto his finger.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he fed the rest of Madeleine McCann to his dog.
Too soon?
In the word's of the immortal Gene Rayburn, "Danny had such a fear of commitment that he blanked."
Charles Nelson Reilly?
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he married Rhea Perlman?
Oh.
Nevermind...
...stepped only on the cracks in the sidewalk.
...he is still deciding whether to leave the womb
is still deciding whether that breathing thing is worth it
...never tore off the "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag from his mattress.
...he began his prayers with "To whom it may concern..."
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
... had "Whatsername" tatooed on his bicept.
... changed his name to Undecided Voter and moved to a purple state.
... never received any Netflix DVDs because he couldn't decide what films to put in his queue.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he cut off his ring fingers.
...didn't buy green bananas.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he ...
that he ...
that he ...
that he ...
dammit! nevermind.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
wouldn't even walk through the pet food section of the grocery store.
Danny had such a fear of commitment, he refused to use rechargeable batteries in his penis pump.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he wouldn't renew his Viagra prescription.
... couldn't even give his girlfriend ringworm.
That he sent love letters without a return address.
That he signed his love letters “anonymous”.
That he always turned back in the middle of a cross walk.
That he only dated Iraqi female suicide bombers.
That when asked as a boy “what do you want to do when you go up” responded, “Whoa, who said anything about being on board for this growing up thing?”
That after his wedding, he had his “I do” redacted on the marriage license.
...bought his house with a sub-prime loan.
...booked his honeymoon flight on American Airlines.
... dated Sybil.
(Or he had such a fear of dignity that he dated Cybill)
... that he would only watch new TV Series starring Jason Alexander.
...only bought "Fun Size" candy bars.
...his favorite candy is "M"
(OK, so I'm hungry this morning. Sue me.)
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he wrote a spec script for Firefly.
...was married at the Yearning For Zion Ranch.
...that he could eat just one.
...that he only dated the terminal.
cut his own umbilical cord.
leases his socks.
only wears a stop watch.
jobed out of preschool.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he never watched a mini-series.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he rented socks.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he --
....only went to the first Harry Potter movie.
....chokes every time he tries to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
....would only vote in the Democratic primaries if he was a resident of Florida or Michigan.
....declined to be bailed out by JP Morgan Stanley.
....refused to pass "Go" whenever he played Monopoly.
....repeated sixth grade four times when he found out seventh grade was at a different school.
....fakes orgasms during sex.
....is still using Windows 98 on his computer.
....doesn't sign his income tax return.
....will only run the first three miles of a marathon.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he came after she left.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he took thirty-five minutes to choose a lab partner.
These are all great. Keep 'em coming!! (I'm not a writer or a comedic writer, just a lover of funny shit.)
Stacey
PS: I noticed a lot of you are confusing indecision with fear. My husband can't make up his mind over which process cheese slices to get at the grocery store, but when we got married, he was calmer than I was. Just pointing that out. :-D
...only bought unisex clothing. Just in case.
...only drove a rental car.
...only dated men. In Iran.
...rehearsed his break-up speech before his first dates.
wouldn't even sleep with himself.
One more (for now):
....never Super-Sized his meals at McDonald's.
Too bad this one was submitted under Anon. It's quite funny.
"divorced his parents when he was in kindergarten."
If this one is yours, resubmit it with your name. Seriously.
Stacey
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he swore a "Let's Just Be Friends" of Allegiance.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he refused to take his parents' name.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he only dated fictional characters.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that his artificial heart was rent-to-own.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was never married to the mob, they just kinda hung out together.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he only had Rice Bubbles that went Snap and Crackle.
puked on his lady everytime the word came up.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that --
....his ringtone played "Don't Bother Me" by the Beatles.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he never knew who Kaiser Soze was.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he never gave his dog his real name.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...practiced Houdini's straight jacket escape every night.
...bought his psychiatrist twelve kinds of couches.
...got a second opinion on his eye color.
...dated only sexually ambivalent Emo chicks on Facebook.
...always ordered a Tall, Vente, and Grande at Starbucks.
...ate only surf and turf.
...was murdered by customers behind him at Baskin-Robbins.
...He starved to death.
...Only dated women with short-term memory loss.
Danny had such a fear of commitment the he wouldn't commit to his fear.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he said he'd get married only after the Tampa Rays win the World Series.
..used only paper plates and sporks.
...doesn’t own furniture.
...always buys refundable tickets.
...doesn’t own a freezer.
...doesn’t use Tupperware.
...doesn’t even have preset radio stations.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he couldn't even give his bathtub a ring.
...writes "No Thank You" in the SPOUSE field on his taxes
...is a member of DEharmony.com
...never talks to the same girl twice - including his mom.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...took a solemn oath, there and then, to never commit to anything ever again.
can't even engage himself in conversation.
refuses to read "Us" Magazine.
his favorite song is "Tea for One".
He signed his Marriage License in invisible ink.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he/she couldn't decide if he/she was male or female.
that he got NBC to cancel Las Vegas before the baby could be born.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he underwent shock therapy in '87 and has been happily married ever since.
bolted from his mother's uterus after 3 months.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he wears a fake wedding ring since 8th grade.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
…was known to his friends as “Dan the man-woman”
…died of chafe from wearing boxers AND briefs.
…stroked out in the checkout line after being asked “paper or plastic?”
...kept his paranoid ravings to himself.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
... always brought out his Hannibal Lector cookbook when making a romantic meal for his latest girlfriend.
... refuses to vote in California elections because there's always a proposition or two on the ballot.
... he thinks Sleepless in Seattle is a tragedy.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...renewed his restraining order on r.a. porter and mikeyb.
Seriously, stop polluting the vote, sock puppets!
Danny has such a fear of commitment he...
... can't even pick his nose.
... shouts his own name during sex.
[here's one for the cynics]
... lived a long and happy life.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he signed up at eHarmony.com and they gave him frequent flyer miles.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he considers himself the one that got away.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he called Dr. Laura and she wept.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he --
....became a programming executive at NBC.
....never went into the closet to start with.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was banned from Hometown Buffet.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he roots for the NFC West.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he killed himself and lived happily ever after.
... demanded a prenuptial disagreement.
replaces his wardrobe weekly, for fear of dating himself.
...he only eats waffles.
A. This must be a new record for number of comments -- 100+!
B. Danny had such a fear of commitment that he made his mother sign a pre-nup before he would come out.
C. Picking a winner will be a tough job.
...willingly took his medication.
...he rents his dates.
...doesn't use his real name.
...still hasn't chosen his Final Four teams.
...rents his toothbrushes.
Danny was so afraid of commitment that he never eats Mexican food, Chili, or talks to people from the South.
Performing on the Rosie Cruise only reinforced this notion after the disastrous after party...
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...spends every Tuesday night dialing 1-877-IDOLS-ALL.
...refused to ring in the new year.
...freezes up every time he hears a ring tone.
...wouldn't even play with chinese fingercuffs.
...won't wear any jacket, much less straight one.
hid his ring finger. Permanently.
...buys his grapes one at a time.
considers "He's Just Not That Into You" a How-to book.
sent a "dear John" letter to his proctologist.
(I'll be here all week. Try the veal)
could never watch a TV show longer than ten minutes and was therefore doomed to only watch commercials for the rest of his life.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...could not communicate for he couldn't bear to use the same word twice.
(yeah, I know about the -anon but I don't want to register...)
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
considered speed dating a life sentence.
wouldn’t date anyone unless he was wearing his “The end is near” T-shirt.
would greet his date with “You lost me at hello.”
thought future planning meant, “Should we eat Mexican or Italian?”
tried foreplay once and complained he was feeling crowded and just needed to be on his own.
dumped his blow-up doll saying she needed more air than he was willing to give.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...tivoed through shows to watch the comercials
...wouldn't program the presets on his car radio
...theater hopped at a short-film festival.
...had a penis...er - that is - he had such a fear of commitment because he had a penis.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he married himself.
Please just enter the kontest and not comment on those who have.
As is the case with writers rooms, writers need the freedom to pitch anything without fear of being ridiculed. And sometimes the most off-the-wall pitch is the one that hits a home run. So I have deleted a number of these non-pitches and will continue to if more appear. Come on, people. This is all in the spirit of fun.
...spent three full nights weeping during every monthly menstruation period because he knew that each passing month meant he was one step closer to tying the knot with his long time sausage fingered girlfriend, Olga.