Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Mariah Carey is destroying the world

Oh no!

First the war, then the stock market plummets, Global Warming is shown to be real, the housing market collapses, unemployment skyrockets, and yet none of that has prepared us for the tragedy that has rocked this planet to its very core. It’s hard to even write these words without breaking down but…

Mariah Carey now has more number one singles than Elvis Presley.

The unspeakable horror!! Oh the humanity!!

At what point do we just say we can’t go on? At what point do we stop believing in God?

No matter what hardship we had to endure -- from terrorism to Ellen’s little doggie being recalled – at least we had Elvis. My father, who lived through the Depression and Chevy Chase talk show said he never thought he’d see the day.

When gas prices went to $4.00 a gallon and my children were inconsolable I took their hands and said, “Kids, it’s okay. The King has 17 number ones. No one will ever surpass him.”

Now what do I tell them?

Oh…if only…

If only “Wear My Ring Around Your Neck”, “Now and Then There’s a Fool Such as I”, “Can’t Help Falling In Love”, and “Return To Sender” hadn’t finished at number two. I blame myself. I could have bought “Return To Sender” but no, I had to give that money to Jerry's kids. Now and then there IS such a fool as I.

Radio is also at fault. Stations never gave his masterpiece “Rock-A-Hula Baby” the exposure it deserved. There’s no reason that song shouldn’t be the number one song of ALL-TIME. Or at least the official state song of Hawaii or Colorado.

And why penalize Elvis for stretching himself artistically, for challenging his audience? “Do The Clam” will live on long after “Rhapsody in Blue” fades into the mist of time.

Mariah Carey?! Who is this eighteen-year upstart? So her highest octave is two octaves higher than a normal soprano? Can she sing while doing judo moves? I think not.

Has she paid her dues? Look at her movie career. GLITTER? It is to laugh. Compare that with LIVE A LITTLE, LOVE A LITTLE, CLAMBAKE, TICKLE ME, GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!, THE TROUBLE WITH GIRLS, GIRL HAPPY, CHARRO, ROUSTABOUT, IT HAPPENED AT THE WORLD’S FAIR, and of course HAREM SCARUM.

And how many Mariah Carey impersonators have you seen (with the exception of at least four on AMERICAN IDOL every season)?

We need the healing to begin. We as Americans need to reach down deep and draw upon that resilience that has always served us through such dire times. But we can’t do it ourselves. The psychic damage is far too great. A couple of things need to happen.

For the sake of this country and – oh let’s just say it – mankind, Mariah Carey has to retire. Sorry. She’ll find other work. She can always host a VH-1 reality show or learn a trade at the DeVry Institute.

And RCA records needs to re-release a few Elvis songs. If everyone in the United States buys copies of “Rubberneckin’”, “Kiss Me Quick”, and “Old Shep” Elvis Presley can reclaim his rightful crown (of being number three behind the Beatles and Bing Crosby) and order can once again be restored to the universe.

Can we do it? It's up to you.

Thank you and viva Las Vegas!

55 comments:

Bitter Animator said...

For some reason, her nose always reminds me of a flower bulb. Not sure why.

Are you sure you're only seeing four Carey impersonators on Idol each year? I would have put that figure somewhere in the region of 741. What's with all the wobbling and waving the hand in the air?

sephim said...

God damn... that's seriously messed up.

Besides, that octave thing is a myth.

Rory L. Aronsky said...

Thank you and viva Las Vegas!

Amen, and especially viva the Caesar's Palace women.

Brian said...

Presley still has more number one records after passing away than Carey does ("A Little Less Conversation"); look out, Jim Reeves!

benson said...

Seems you should add this to the end of the blog entry;

"Ken...has...left...the...building"

Mary Stella said...

Elvis never had a signature fragrance either . . . unless someone bottled the sweat from those scarves.

Vermonter 17032 said...

Ken, I feel your pain. But just keep this in mind: This country elected George Bush president... TWICE! You can't put much stock in our judgment... although I know that is hard for someone who writes TV for a living to hear...

emily said...

Here's my internet impression of Elvis:

"ty, tyvm..."

John said...

There's got to be a gag you can work into a sitcom about some cursed schlub who's forced to endure a combined Mariah Carey-Celine Dion Las Vegas concert performance.

Geo said...

Take heart Ken, for "Mariah Carey now has more number one singles than Elvis Presley" ... that no one will remember in 20 years.

Anonymous said...

"You're either a Beatles man or an Elvis man..."

rob! said...

not to be mean, but can anyone outside of MC fans name a single Mariah Carey song?

even people who HATE Elvis and/or have never heard an Elvis song can probably rattle off at least one or two.

we'll see if, when the alien overlords come for us and destroy most of civilization, what songs will still be played on scratchy, beat-up cd players in the cave homes of the Resistance Movement.

the soundtrack from Glitter? think not. Jailhouse Rock? Can't Help Falling in Love With You? probable.

Dimension Skipper said...

I always get a little confused by these claims of X number of #1 hits because often the claim means not #1 on the overall list, but #1 on some sub-list of country, soul/R&B, polka...

I'm hoping Elvis still outranks her in overall total sales, although with the greater population and music consumption numbers of the planet overall in these modern times, I won't be surprised if Mariah wins there too.

And yet I can't tell you one song (or album) Mariah has even done, let alone any which went to #1. If you told me some of her hits now, I wouldn't recognize them. Heck, if you PLAYED me some of her hits now, I wouldn't recognize them.

But I'm sure that probably says a lot more about me than her or her fame. She's not the first mega pop star to appear over the last 20 years with which I've had zero familiarity of her body of work (as opposed to just her actual body appearing plastered all over modern pop culture, i.e. tabloids and tabloid-style reporting).

Still, hearing this news of her surpassing Elvis just has me all shook up. Let me go hug my teddy bear---I've a suspicion I'm gonna need him when I check in down at heartbreak hotel over this.

M.A.Peel said...

It's amazing that Bing Crosby, the forgotten man of pop culture, had so many #1 hits that he's still in the top three/four of all time (and nice of you to mention)

Dimension Skipper said...

I see Rob! was composing at the same time I was and making the same point about not being able to name any MC songs. So at least I'm not alone in my cluelessness when it comes to MC.

Graham Powell said...

They re-released a bunch of Elvis songs over in the U.K. a few years ago, and he had FIVE #1 singles.

Annie said...

We need to set up a home for wayward celebutantes, but keep them pilled-up so they don't realize they're being detained. Let's start with Mariah, Celine, Brit-twit, and OJ. We could call this hospice 'Miami.'
She did date Derek Jeter, so I'm probably just jealous.

Sean said...

Another of Elvis' records was also broken last week -- Madonna now has more top ten singles than he does. Tough chart week for the former King.

RAC said...

Say what you want, but Mariah looked and sounded very hot last night, you old fuddy-duddy.

Elvis would have bought her a pink Cadillac, tempted her with a peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwich, and tried to make out with her on the Witco furniture in the Jungle Room, the old perv.

In Elvis's defense, Mariah DOES have a better selection of psychotropics than Elvis had in his day, or she'd probably be dead, too, and we wouldn't be hearing her 18th #1 hit "Touch My Body" as cell phone ringers everywhere.

Van said...

I'll console myself by watching the best Elvis movie not starring Elvis: Bubba Ho Tep.

Anonymous said...

"She can always... learn a trade at the DeVry Institute."

Hee.

Now that's a reality show I would watch with buttered popcorn each week, the same way I like to watch Beauty & The Geeks.

Stacey

Anonymous said...

vfdvMiley Cyrus will catch up with Mariah and Elvis one of these days!!!

jbryant said...

Wow, you mean the Elvis/Celine Dion duet from last year's "Idol Gives Back" didn't make it to number one? I guess they didn't release it - a real missed opportunity that would've kept E's record secure (for a few more months anyway).

I've heard a fair number of Mariah's hits, but they're simply not memorable, unless you're the kind of person who keeps the radio on 24/7. Even the most generic crap will eventually take hold if you hear it enough. But most of her stuff sends me to the scan button after a listen or two. All those number ones, and hardly a decent hook among them.

Hmm, my verification word is "gazygzm," which sounds like a climax reached via looking (which somehow seems appropriate to the subject at hand - no pun intended).

Paul said...

I don't care for that Elvis fellow. All that hip shaking is very un-Christian.

Bob the Ump said...

Where do I buy my velvet Mariah?

Tom Quigley said...

Same place you can buy your Inflatable Mariah: at www.mariahfetish.com.

Ted said...

I always tune in to Blue Hawaii just to see "Rock-A-Hula Baby." Great song!

jbryant said...

Inflatable Mariah? Yikes. Word of advice: don't by a used one.

I hear if you pinch the nozzle a certain way while letting the air out, you can duplicate that high falsetto she hits on "Vision of Love."

And, no, "pinch the nozzle" is not a euphemism.

Alto2 said...

For the moron who mentioned "pinching the nozzle" to achieve a high note similar to Mariah's: WRONG! You've got to have the right pipes to hit those kinds of notes. I'm a trained singer; I know.

As for deleting Mariah from the musical sphere, that's fine with me if and only if you take out scary Priscilla Presley and Lisa Marie first.

blogward said...

I blame the Colonel.

jbryant said...

alto2: Hi, I'm the "moron." I thought my post was pretty clearly a joke, not a scientific thesis on reproducing musical notes by letting air out of a blow-up doll. I assumed most visitors to a noted sitcom writer's blog would catch that. If YOU were joking and it went over my head, then I apologize. If not, get bent.

FWIW, I'm a trained singer, too, and I have a high regard for Mariah's pipes (not so much for her song choices).

HEATHER said...

BRAVO & AMEN brother!!!
Looks like some of those remixes would count! Anyway we know it's all about Payola anyhow!

Dhppy said...

I thought about it, and the only Mariah Carey songs I know are the ones that are either remakes, or sample heavily from previous hits. Hmmm.

As for Rock-a-Hula, for some reason, Blue Hawaii was in heavy rotation on my local tv stations growing up. God, I miss technicolor.

Anonymous said...

Somebody wasn't inspirational enough tonight and go the boot off of AI.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will about Mariah, but "All I Want For Christmas" cannot be denied.

Anonymous said...

Didn't Mimi do some hard time with her very own personal version of Phil Spector via her holy matrimony to one Tommy Matolla. (please forgive my spelling as I sprained one of my fingers pleasuring myself during Mariah's evocative snooze fest last night) Kidding!! Mimi is cut from the same God-foresaken cloth as the rest of the Wonderbread Tits-R-Us crap we're being forcefed....gimme something more, please.
I, for one, would like to lock Mariah Paris AnnCoulter and... (please feel free to add to my list)in a Church basement in Scranton during a Bingo Marathon wherein they must babysit the Jolie-Pitt nuclear unit along with various comparable male counterparts. It's a drug free, Blackberry free zone and the bus left without them....
peace and stuff. Jack Swan

The Crutnacker said...

Things that Elvis will have Mariah will never have...

Stink feet
Chalky buildup in his colon
Michael Jackson as a son-in-law
A tiny mansion in the middle of Crapsville with the tackiest of decorations.
Eternal life at Burger King.

Jeff Swanson said...

Ken, here's an Elvis song you missed that really should have been released as a single: G I Blues

Elivs sings about being in the Army in Germany.He acquits himself alright but it's the background singers that really deserve the praise in this little ditty. They have to chant: " Hup 2 3 4 " behind the King in the 1st chorus & then, when Elvis is telling us:
" We get hasenpfeffer & black pumpernickel for chow ", the backups chant:
" Hasenpfeffer, Hasenpfeffer "

I'd like to see Mariah get away with that. Hasenpfeffer is a word just meant for melisma ..

Anonymous said...

Elvis Costello's wife does a great song and Hasenpfeffers herself all over the place...with some shram shram on the side. She's great.

on another note re: Ken Levine's Elvis...
In The Ghetto is gooooooood.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps one reason Mariah's songs aren't memorable is that nobody else "covers" them. How many artists have recorded the Beatles' "Yesterday"? Over a hundred, I'll bet. We can only hope that "Touch My Body" is never sung by Aretha Franklin or Willie Nelson.

It also doesn't seem likely that "Touch My Body" will ever get sung at anybody's wedding.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that most folks realize that now-a-days #1 Hit songs are determined mostly by radio play. And that just a handful of tonedeaf programmers are responsible for the playlists subscribed to by all the cookie cutter radi stations. True popularity and record/CD sales have little to do with #1 "hits" now. It's kinda like the baseball steroids debate. Maybe MC should have an asterick next to her numero uno's.

Hard to believe she bypassed Michael Jackson let alone Elvis. I weep for the future. Hell, I'm crying now.

Anonymous said...

Well those lists should be easily improved by considering how many hits in how many years; and how do they calculate sales number-to-gold or platinum status today, vs then. I think it used to be 1 mill sales, now it's 500,000. And to be really really tough, find out how much expenditure in advertising budget for each Mimi record, vs Elvis (did his records even HAVE something comparable to an advertising budget while working with Col. Parker??)

You know, the de-evaluation of sales figures is normal, every industry wants to have more "winners" proclaimed. But nothing matches seeing Elvis for the first time on TV, or the Beatles and so on, the stuff pop cultural myth is made of, so that's safe, and that's what counts. The Rolling Stones are legends and I doubt anyone even cares about how many gold records they had.

mariahlover08 said...

You all are a bunch of old people!!! Let it go Mariah passed Elvis and that's that! Elvis had his time now is hers! So just grow up you bunch of baby boomers and let the Queen live!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Queen -- now you're talking. (By the way, it's just Queen, not the Queen. "We Are The Champions", "Bohemian Rhapsody"... let's see if Mariah Carey can come up with something that good.

mariahlover08 said...

ANONYMOUS WHO LEFT THE MESSAGE AFTER MINE...SHUT UP! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS? ARE U SERIOUS? OH PLEASE! I MEANT SHE'S THE QUEEN, I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT QUEEN!!!

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

I have nothing against Mariah but I fing her music uninteresting and I couldn't name one tune she's made. And let's not forget that Elvis lost two years of potential hits while serving his country. And what's the big deal anyway?

VP81955 said...

My favorite Elvis Presley songs...

"I'll Hold You In My Heart (Till I Can Hold You In My Arms)" -- a track from the 1969 "From Elvis In Memphis" album. A remake of an Eddy Arnold song, but done with such soul, such feeling, you'd never have guessed it.

"Good Rockin' Tonight" -- the Presley Sun records are the rock equivalent of Louis Armstrong's Hot Five records...you can't imagine the genre without them. This was the "A" side of his second single, and it's so good I used it as the close to my college radio show back in the '80s.

"Don't" -- Elvis, influenced by Dean Martin (so twice-removed influenced by Bing Crosby), was an underrated balladeer. He made a number of great ballads; this was one of my favorites.

"A Mess Of Blues" -- the flip of "It's Now Or Never," funky pop written by the great Doc Pomus (who also wrote the Ray Charles masterpiece "Lonely Avenue"). Doc was on a radio show in the late '80s (probably 8/16/87, the 10th anniversary), and he was delighted to hear me tell him how much I liked this song.

"If I Can Dream" -- the thoughtful Elvis, pure and simple. Not a big hit, but as part of the '68 TV special, it showed he'd kept up with the times.

And Mariah Carey? "Vision Of Love" is just about her only memorable record.

jbryant said...

LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE!!!! Um... I mean LEAVE MARIAH ALOOONE!!!!

vp8: Good calls on those Elvis records. "Don't" is also a particular fave of mine -- one of many great songs written by Leiber and Stoller. I read an article recently in which they related the story about the producer of "Jailhouse Rock" basically locking them in a room for an hour until they cranked out 4 or 5 tunes, all of which were used in the film.

San Francisco Photos said...

You're totally right ... she is destroying the world! But Vermonter 17032 is absolutely right too. Totally makes sense.

Mike Edwards said...

respect It Happened At The Worlds Fair!

Anonymous said...

i think its a bit much saying Mariah is destroying the world.

so what .. she surpassed elvis .. big deal ...

if her second single goes to number one (its at 23rd at the mo) then she will end up tying (and proably breaking) another elvis record - his singles, collectivly have spent 80 weeks at number one

mariah's have spent 79 weeks ...

watch this space ..

Christopher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Christopher said...

grow up old people. times change. stop being who your parents were and accept that records get broken. im sure mom and dad said the same things about ur music. AAANNNND for the record. mariah had/had shitloads more competition than elvis. and i cant even name any of his songs. it just seems crazy to u because ur biased.!!! DUH!

Brenden said...

ssssssssssooooooooo im guessing that all of you are elvis fans..............?????????????

well im not.......and talk trash if you want i dont care.......
1.) i cant name any elvis songs....
2.) i can name plenty of mariah carey songs

and records get broken who cares why waste your time writing some trash like this......you people say mariah is so bad and stuff
but her songs relate to most people and thats why
ssssssssssooooooooooo
keep wasting your time while you all are making her a legend........

Anonymous said...

I love the King too but your point in tearing up an icon is just rubbish.

Of coarse many of you old schoolers can't fathom a women having more hits than The King...
Well it's a new era and I am sorry but the king had his time music would be so boring if it didn't grow like the rest of us.

I have been a fan Of Mariah Carey since the 90's so I remember her music it's not our fault a lot of people still wish it's the 70's I rather live in the now thank you thank you very much.

Most of this post's are from men who really bitch more than women So I had to add some bitching of my own.


I Love Elvis but I wouldn't bash him to other people I would simply play his music along with all other music so that my life was rich with Diversity and appreciation for different styles of music.

Cause after all we the people make these people what they are. We keep them alive by playing their music even when their light burned out a long time ago.