This is another one of my blog experiments. But one that could be very lucrative to YOU!!In improv class this week Andy Goldberg came up with a great exercise. (Andy’s book on improv is the gold standard by the way.) He essentially gave us a MATCH GAME question. We then wrote out our answers and compared them. And I thought, “Hey, this would make a great contest!”
So here’s the challenge to you great comedy minds out there – I give you the first part of the sentence and you finish it. File your entries in the comments section. A noted Emmy winning comedy writer (not me) will pick the five finalists. (I won’t divulge who that is so that everyone who doesn’t qualify hates him/her.)
Once I announce the finalists, YOU will vote for the winner.
Enter as often as you like (within reason). They don't have to be Rated G but if the judge goes "Yikes" reading your entry you're pretty much dead. Oh, and this should go without saying but I'll say it anyway -- unless you leave a name your entry will be disqualified. "Anonymous" will not be the winner.
Deadline is 11:59 PM PDT Monday, April 14. That still gives you a day to fill out your taxes.
One final note: Please just enter the kontest and not comment on those who have. As is the case with writers rooms, writers need the freedom to pitch anything without fear of being ridiculed. And sometimes the most off-the-wall pitch is the one that hits a home run. So I have deleted a number of these non-pitches and will continue to if more appear. Come on, people. This is all in the spirit of fun.
"And what do I win?" you say, and "It better be good." Don't worry. It IS. As you know this is a BIG money blog. So I hope you’re sitting down because the winner of Ken’s Komedy Kontest will receive ...(drumroll)
A personally autographed collector’s edition script from AfterMASH!!!!! In mint condition!!!!
I know. How does he do it??
So now, with that amazing prize up for grabs, here is the sentence.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he __________________ .
Good luck laugh meisters.
453 comments :
«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 400 of 453 Newer› Newest»- ... chopped off his left arm, feeling it had become too attached. Now what to do about that right arm?
- ... wrote a horror screenplay about it, then made a fortune when it turned out people would see a horror movie about anything!
- ... routinely changed his name. This week, it was 'Danny'.
...wouldn't read fortune cookies because he feared they'd say "to be continued."
...would only read Playboy while sitting on his hands.
...married a senator from New York.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he never subscribed to the RSS feed of Kens blog, despite it being one of the best, most amusing, well written blogs there is going, and should obviously be made into an award winning sitcom, as well as paving the way for fourteen volumes of Ken's Travelogues and an American Idol spin-off: "AfterIDOL - Ken's thoughts".
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he always gave up before the en...
Danny has such a fear of commiment that ...
...his diploma says he got a BS in 'undeclared'.
...his longest relationship was with Columbia House.
...he thinks bookmarks put too much pressure on him.
...he plants silk flowers on Arbor Day.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he took flying lessons.
He's still up there.
.. that he asks women to give him only fake phone numbers.
... before he goes on a date, he makes sure the restaurants have rest room windows that open
... that, as a child, he refused to have an imaginary friend
... that he's never made through all 60 Minutes
... that he won't even temp because he might have to learn the co-workers' names
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he didn't save the cheerleader.
Danny had such a fear of commitment tha....
... he only dated triplets.
...he would sneak out of his house in the middle of the night after masturbating.
...he couldn't come up with just one sentence for this contest.
...would neither fight nor switch.
...wouldn't throw his hands in the air and wave 'em like he just don't care.
...got drunk on lent.
...defaulted on his fixed rate mortgage.
...wiped the hole in the ground for good measure.
...flew his freak flag at half staff.
listed his actual salary on match.com.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he couldn't ask the woman who loves him more than anything else in the world to marry him.
DANNY! You BROKE my HEART!
You A$$HOLE!
. . . wouldn't even wear a long-sleeve t-shirt.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he gave the two girls one cup each.
....he only reads Jeffery Archer novels.
Who am I kidding .... I can't beat the 'cut his own placenta' The winner surely?
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he ages his whiskey for 12 minutes.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he always asked for his chicken "rare".
came up with a great punchline for this joke...but he wasn't married to it.
...that he bought controlling stock in every nuthouse in the state, including Planters--just in case.
...that Eliot Spitzer told him he should show a little restraint.
...that he joined the Ministry of Silly Walks "to impress the ladies."
won't even watch the movie!
... will only wear velcro shoes and clip on ties.
... sent his wife to Tuzla in 1996.
Had such a fear of committment that he....
Only submitted his pilots to MyNetworkTV.
Married Pamela Anderson.
Joined Guns and Roses.
Changed his name to Bobby Petrino.
... he's never transmitted an email because he can't bring himself to hit "send".
... his favorite color is white.
... his Passover seder stalls every year at The Four Questions - deciding from four possibilities why this night IS different from other nights is just too much pressure. And what if there's a fifth reason that comes to light later ...?
... he's never lit a match. After all, you can never tell if you'll need it again later.
... his GI Joe skipped town on his sister's Barbie and Skipper; Joe (who now goes by "Sailor Steve") was last seen cruising through Vegas with Pepper, Strawberry Shortcake, and an unidentified Bratz in Barbie's 'vette.
... his jeweler has agreed to offer him a volume discount on engagement rings.
... he's still agonizing over whether to buy that way cool Sony Beta Max.
.. couldn't give a crap.
Submitted by
Chris Orlando
Roselle Pk, NJ
... he decided to put his Chia Pet up for adoption.
was banned from shopping on QVC.
believes he is Shakespeare reincarnate, in all his "To be or not to be" glory.
... had Bears Stearns hold the wedding band.
...has only a twin bed.
..he prefers having his credit cards declined.
...he had the U.S. postal servie deliver his proposal.
... the only woman he ever proposed to was Terry Schiavo.
... thinks he could write a great romantic comedy about his situation.
...had to go to therapy becuase his parents DIDN'T get divorced.
...only watches TV shows that are likely to get cancelled or are in their final seasons.
...recently broke up with a girl over the phone with a war movie in the background, telling her he got shipped out to Iraq.
...he doesn't own any kind of technology, fearing it will be obsolete in a week.
...only uses the internet at work and libraries so he doesn't have to choose between a Mac and a PC.
... knew there was little ironic about his catching herpes from a prostitute.
... his only prerequisite to marriage is watching all 30 epsiodes of My Mother the Car.
never even had a piggy back ride!
... ended up drunk dialing the one ex-girlfriend who cared.
shape shifted faster than Hillary Clinton could say Scranton.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he always had hot dogs for dinner.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that...
...he rented his apartment by the hour and tried to get evicted every 50 minutes.
...bought toilet paper as needed - by the square.
...thought a seven day course of antibiotics was demanding too much of him.
...thought that homeless people were too attached to their stuff.
... found his gym membership to be a good value.
Nearly forgot:
Danny had such a fear of commitment that...
...he became a network executive - those guys can't commit to anything.
... dated foreigners whose visas were about to expire, ate at restaurants that were about to go out of business, and voted for McCain.
... only uses two side tape.
... wishes he was a praying mantis.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he took the role of Jesus for Stations of the Cross and got off at the first stop.
Some more from me:
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...made a pass at his wedding planner's busty catering assistant. (Maybe that was just me.)
...signed his fiancé up with Match.com's Lonely Afghanistan Freedom Fighter Edition
...replaced his Viagra with steely eyed apathy.
...smashed the world record for channel surfing.
...pleaded "not guilty by reason of eccentricity."
...got laser surgery for his right eye and a monocle for his left.
...fired his Palm Pilot.
...actually enjoyed kissing his sister.
...paid off his court-appointed psychiatrist's bad subprime mortgage.
...gave all his sperm bogus Mapquest directions.
gloated like a little prick when Simon And Garfunkel broke up.
Adopted the Seattle Supersonics as his rooting interest in the NBA.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he used to call baseball games... collect.
...became a sit-com writer.
...paid his agent by the minute.
...would only send a dozen stems.
...kept a wind up fish as a pet.
...refused to write the return address on letters.
//Try the veal
...had his name legally changed to Cliff Clavin.
...that he has never used the word "yes".
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he held the number of every mental institution within 200 miles in his cell phone so he'd know if they were calling, and wouldn't enter his house without first circling the block to check for vans from suspiciously named residential facilities.
had a sex change operation
always left the car running.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he gave his Chia Pet up for adoption.
That he avoided psychiatrists like crazy.
... sued judd apatow for plajorism
...made his outgoing answering machine recording a break-up message.
Danny had such a fear of commitment, he wore paper underwear.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he had a doorbell that played Pagliacci.
... the only foods he ever bought were Kraft Singles, Campbell's Soup for One, and individual bananas.
he avoided and Irishman with an instrument, just in case.
_any_ Irishman, obviously. sorry
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was hospitalized for chronic bulimia.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he left the Jews for Jesus to become a Buddhist Muslims.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he pitched his pilot to Fox.
Danny was so afraid of commitment that his epitaph was multiple choice.
...that his blood type was type O possibly.
...that he lived by the old saying, "If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it might be a pigeon."
... that he didn't think anything had a ring to it.
"...didn't get a birthmark until he was eight years old."
Jerry of Fargo
...wrote himself a Dear John letter.
...unplugged his wife's life support machine and plugged in an alarm clock.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he -
...had a blow up dog.
...lived next door to his wife.
...only dated former (i.e. fallen) members of sexaholics anonymous.
...couldn't cut the price tag off his boxer shorts, just in case.
...considered Charlie from Two and a Half Men to be his role model.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
dated older, blond, eastern European women exclusively.
set his sleep number bed to speed dial.
bought all of his duct tape, plastic sheeting, and bleach at Costco.
by the third date, revealed his plans for a Star Wars/Start Trek/He-Man themed wedding (ladies choice)
changed his last name to Jeffs.
drove a truck for a living, traveling the lower 48 with not a care in the world, and then one
day just decides to never come home again. Dad, if you're reading this, it's never too late.
Oh, never mind. I hate you!
...kept a fake minister on retainer.
...had crooked teeth because he wouldn't even *wear* a retainer.
And, by popular demand, yet some more:
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he…
…got into the Master's but drove straight to the 19th hole. (Maybe that's only me.)
…dated only the skinniest pale women in the crackhouse.
…thought Gene Simmons and Wilt Chamberlin were pikers.
…became Dani the Tranny on weekends.
…dated the Rockettes but had an affair with George "You gotta have faith" Michael.
…spent all his money on Russian Bride catalogs.
…forgot all about his other great fear of dying sad and alone.
…died sad and alone when his stacks of Russian Bride catalogs collapsed and suffocated him while George Michael's "Faith" played on repeat mode.
…thought death was only a metaphor.
…only smoked crack on banker's holidays.
…performed as a circus clown in his street clothes.
…once thought a Blackberry was the name of his left nut.
…wasn't too surprised when monkeys flew out his butt on his wedding day.
…preferred 96 over 69.
…consummated his marriage by text messaging.
…used a pitchfork to tuck-in his rent-a-kids.
…text-messaged his wife, kids, and Sally (the surprisingly robust crack whore) "it wasn't them it was him."
…blamed 80s music for everything, especially Madonna because of that whole mother and whore connotation.
…never wore matching socks. (What? No rimshot?)
...that he went into a catatonic state while contemplating a family size carton of Charmin in Costco.
...stopped eating cereal because every box claimed "some settling may occur".
...promised his fiance the moon, but only after he made the year-long trip there to close the deal.
...ended his wedding vow with "results may vary".
...told his frustrated fiance of ten years to "wake up and smell the coffee", and with that, included a ticket to Colombia.
...had his condoms custom-made with Dupont Kevlar.
... bought a love seat that was a sectional. Each part had a chenille-style pattern and different zip codes.
...had a non-working toilet, having removed the ball and chain.
He recorded each night's episode of "The Daily Show" individually, because he couldn't stand setting the Season Pass on his TiVo.
... on his 10th wedding anniversary, he told his wife he wanted to keep things casual.
"changed his last name to Jeffs."
Dougj, that is funny!! Oh wait, I'm not supposed to comment, even a compliment, so...
...he has never read a "Chapter 2".
...shot heroin on Monday, smoked crack on Tuesday, drank a gallon of rotgut on Wednesday, bet on the horses on Thursday, dated a dozen women on Friday, went to synagog on Saturday, attended mass on Sunday.
...on his deathbed, when asked by a priest if he wished to confess any sins, took his last rattling breath to say, "Let me get back to you on that."
...has never flown anywhere near that damned cuckoo's nest.
...is the proud father of "Baby 1," "Baby 2," "Baby 3," "Closed Pharmacy," and "It Came From My Wife's Vagina." (All different mothers of course.)
...Thinks every sophmore season sucks.
...when asked his favorite Marx Brother, chose Gummo.
...hasn't read past Comment 50.
...even cheated on his blood test
...joined a put-off-taking-twelve-steps group about it
Danny had such a fear of commitment that when he worked at Denny’s he refused to marry the ketchup.
Danny had such a fear of commitment he told the girl at the McDonald’s drivethrough she was suffocating him.
... hated walking down the aisle at the supermarket.
... thought Hugh Hefner was whipped.
... wouldn’t get down on one knee to tie his shoe.
... watched an edited version of “24” called “three.”
... called his pet hamster “the old ball and chain.”
1. won’t even date an “it’s just brunch” girl.
2. insists 5-day deodorant pads are an extravagance.
3. thinks coitus interuptus means going all the way.
4. met Larry Craig at an airport urinal.
5. pressured Siamese twin Manny into seeing other people.
6. insists 98 bottles of beer on the wall still covers the point spread.
7. has his living will read, “You bet your ass, resuscitate!”
8. has yet to hear David Caruso complete an entire sentence.
9. gets his pants at Chippendale’s.
10. thinks the Ken’s Komedy Kontest anagram means we can all dress up in bed linen and burn a cross on Nick Counter’s lawn – without revealing who we are.
But when we really haven’t got the goods, how do we do it? Volume! Going for 50.
11. will only suck halfway up to that Levine fella in pursuit of this trophy.
12. believes the Louisiana Purchase should have been on the installment plan.
13. could only give Concord and Lexington a minute, man. Really, dude
14. closes his eyes during sex and has to pretend he’s Amanda Peet.
15. thought, “What’s the point of a wedding registry, we’ll never use that crock pot?”
16. hoped the first station of the cross would be crudités, yet still completely filling -- so everybody could go home.
17. hoped “Jewish” meant being "sort of like a Jew."
18. once laughed out loud during a performance of Love Letters.
19. is fu%*kin’ fruitflies.
20. is hitting on Silda Wall Spitzer.
21. thinks that whole “booster shot” concept is ridiculous.
22. calls his Dublin soul band, “No Really, Just Jammin.”
23. will only see a movie by one Coen brother at a time.
24. only bought a season ticket once – for The Great Wallendas.
25. will only introduce himself as Dan.
26. thinks “60 Minutes” is a miniseries [yeh, variation on a theme here].
27. starts the NBC fall season in April.
28. insists his favorite performing group was called “Up with Only One Person at a Time Let’s Not Be Precipitous.”
29. may run for president of Haiti.
30. keeps introducing Marcy as his first wife.
31. enrolled in the Two-point-Four Hour Fitness Club.
32. had a one-week trial membership in the Hair Club for Men.
33. was even expelled from the Book of the Year Club.
34. only makes out with stage hypnotists.
35. firmly believes the extended warrantee shouldn’t commence until after your next trip back to the appliance store.
36. replaced Fat Jack Leonard with Don Rickles as his greeter.
37. will only write situation "omedies."
38. could never eat someplace called only The National House of Pancakes.
39. thinks Readers Digest Condensed Books are expecting just a little too much from us.
40. had his watch calibrated in nanoseconds.
41. Is always prematurely shouting “mission accomplished” in Florida, in bed, or on an aircraft carrier.
42. is filing for his IRS extension even as we speak, because of this damned exercise -- and it’s only the 12th.
43. Submitted a pilot called, “America’s Top Model at Some Indeterminate Time in the Future.”
44. sees nothing wrong with flying American.
And now for those who will allow that indecision can in fact qualify as fear of commitment, if The Decider believes the decision would be relatively irrevocable:
45. drowned changing horse serum half way through a urine sample.
46. won’t even buy self-help books.
47. opened a Unisex Hair Salon to leave himself options-- sadly only to realize all of the customers were hermaphrodites.
48. still believes the Jews may have ditched Egypt a bit too hastily.
49. says Hillary can revise her friggin’ Bosnia scrapbook 100 times if that’ll make her happy.
50. scored Universal Amphitheater tickets. Thinks that means you can see Chris Rock either on land or under water.
[And you were wondering where all today’s young revenant comics would be coming from.].
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he invented the one piece jigsaw puzzle.
...caused the courts in 16 states to refer to a prenuptual agreement as 'A Danny.'
...was consulted by Arafat before going to Oslo.
...inspired evangelicals to caution their young to ask "what would Danny do?" before having sex.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...didn't even like to propose a toast.
...ended up supporting ObaMcClinton for president.
...was fired from the video store for stocking "Four Weddings and a Funeral" under "horror".
...thought a prenuptial agreement was inadequate -- he wanted a pre-engagement agreement.
...couldn't even bear to lock in his mortgage rate.
...considered Britney Spears a good role model for marriage-mided youth.
...said "Runaway Bride" was his favorite movie.
...wore a crease in his pants from extended fence-sitting.
...couldn't chose a major until after he graduated from college.
...thought that the "Promise Keepers" was a terrorist organization.
...practiced "catch-and-release" when fishing -- and also when not fishing.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was arrested in Central Park Zoo for killing all the penguins.
This is addictive.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that even his sex life was "pay as you go".
...that when he was a little boy at the dentist's to get a cavity filled, he said, "Hey, if this looks like it's going south, I don't want any heroic measures..."
~Razor Rob
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was instantly and singlehandedly able to conquer his schizophrenia.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he went on an archaeological mission to discover the Ark Of The Welcher.
committed himself to fear.
returned all of his Halloween candy on November 1st.
married Julia Roberts.
is the eight year old you see picketing outside Kelloggs demanding they separate the raisins from the bran.
...wouldn't even pre-board.
invented the boomerang.
had an Etch-A-Sketch obsession.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he even refused to feed his pet Sea Monkeys... it was to punish them for being too clingy.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he murdered his date-rape victims.
Too far?
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he thought the Zodiac Killer was an over-achiever.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he refused to flush.
....he had himself locked up to keep himself away from the rest of the world.
...threw boomerangs then ducked.
...gave his homing pigeons the wrong address.
...joined a group of concomitants but they kept meeting anyway.
couldn't get off the round-about in DuPont Circle.
Danny had such a fear of commitment he didn't even show up on photographs.
make that:
...wouldn't even show up in photographs.
Thanks
... knows all fifty ways to leave your lover.
... crosses himself if he sees a jewelry store.
... would say, "I'm seeing someone else" if he was stranded with a blond on a desert island.
... had his ring finger surgically removed.
... would order one milkshake with *three* straws for him and his date, just in case someone else showed up.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that it took him six months to finally leave a toothbrush in his mother's womb.
Continuing with the birth theme -
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he held onto his afterbirth just in case things didn't work out and he needed to move back in.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he doesn't even know how many licks it takes to get to the outside of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
...the McLellan Society voted him "Man Most Likely Not To..."
Did I say
...he used to rent p0rn by the hour.
(?)
...lived a life of quiet desperation and had the average 2.5 children...literally.
~Razor Rob
...when he found out all of mankind was about to be destroyed by a giant asteroid he said, "Wow. Horrific...and a huuuge relief!"
...when he found out all of mankind would be wiped out by a ghastly plague he said, "Wow. Horrific...and a huuuge relief!"
See what I did there? Which is more hilarious? Ugly mass death by disease or killer asteroid?
Just covering the bases...
~Razor Rob
...voted for Ralph Nader.
~Razor Rob
...starved to death at the All You Can Eat Buffet.
~Razor Rob
...still thinks that Dewey fella might win the election.
...chose 7-up in the Pepsi challenge.
...has lived inside the buffet at the Las Vegas Hilton for the last 23 years.
...when confronted by an armed robber who demanded "Your money or your life" - he just stood there. After a few moments, the robber AGAIN demanded "Your money or your life!" To which Danny replied," I'm thinking!"
Oh, wait. That was Jack Benny.
Sorry.
...crouched above the pot, constipated.
~Razor Rob
...couldn't come up with a line so he collapsed on the floor and said, "Ken, I'm so useless, please just roll me over and stick that script in my back posket...Ken! That's not a pocket!"
And Ken said, "That's not a script."
~Razor Rob
...always wondered what life would have been like if he'd gone to that Second City audition at 23, drawn that graphic novel at 26, written that novel by the time he was 30, gotten through a single goddamn draft of that same goddamn novel by 40...Oh Christ! (GUNSHOT!)
~Razor Rob at 1:56 PM
Comedy is tragedy + time. What? Too soon?
~Danny's widow at 1:57 PM
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he felt pressure from speed dating.
is 45 years old and has yet to give his mother anything stronger than a hearty handshake.
...ordered one of each off the menu.
...ended up richer than all of us because he didn't commit to a subprime mortgage, thought that waiting for tech stocks to become profitable would tie him down, sold his junk bonds minutes after he bought them, thought the terms of depositing in a Savings and Loan wanted too much from him, and of course never had need of a divorce attorney.
ened up going crazy. Ironically, he ened up getting commited.
...took the gun AND the canoli.
...he took the fifth at the Oath of Allegiance.
Somebody make me stop.
...won't watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica
...won't hang decorations on his walls
...buys travel-size toiletries
...won't shop at Costco
You know sutterbomb, if it's Jane Espenson who's judging this you're now fucked.
Has she won an Emmy?
Anyway...
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he only drinks Pepto-Bismol.
...refused to take back ticket stubs.
...he would sign petitions with an "X".
(Unless you wan your sitcom to be 'topical', that is.)
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
... Couldn’t commit to fear.
... Couldn’t choose what to eat and starved to death.
... Could only watch the first minute of every show on TV.
... Couldn’t even choose an appropriate method of suicide and still lives today.
.. Was never even born and still resides in his angry mother's womb.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
... Couldn’t commit to fear.
... Couldn’t choose what to eat and starved to death.
... Could only watch the first minute of every show on TV.
... Couldn’t even choose an appropriate method of suicide and still lives today.
.. Was never even born and still resides in his angry mother's womb.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he learnt Esperanto.
...wouldn't say "I do" if you asked him if he knew how to breathe.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he invented the "airjob".
Danny had such a fear of commitment that if you asked him if he wanted a million dollars he still wouldn't say, "I do."
Danny had such a fear of commitment he wouldn't meet George Clooney for lunch.
...he wouldn't sign the pre-nup without first signing a pre-nup.
...he was immediately hired GM of the Knicks. This has nothing to do with his fear of commitment, it's just because Isaiah Thomas sucks that bad at his job.
...when he orders vanilla frozen yogurt, it comes out neopolitan.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he got fired from Hallmark for writing cards that said "Happy Valentine's Day, C**ts".
...had all his shirts monogrammed "TBD".
...would only consider marriage to Hugh Hefner
...could only listen to the AC part
of the band but not the DC part
...he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on complex and intensive psychoanalysis only to learn that he wanted to sleep with his mother.
Uhmmm...
did I say that out loud?
Nice, but I would have gone:
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he loved to listen to Lynyrd Skynyrd... after the plane crash.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he... invited guests to his wedding. They threw rice. He hit the road before the rice.
....became a successful screenwriter.
...spilled a lot of drinks on his Yakuza boss, on purpose. (this one may be funny if you have a knowledge of Yakuza punishment ritual but probably not anyway)
...he still hasn't decided if his Dodgers jersey is LA or Brooklyn.
Hey, Ken. Would you consider a 'Hello Larry' script for the runner up?
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he faked his suicide.
... that he played Russian Roulette with six bullets on the night before his wedding.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he only ever screwed up enough that things went to Purgatory in a handbasket.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he tried auto-erotic asphyxiation instead.
...he had pre-nups for his loyalty cards.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...wouldn't have been able to watch a Traci Lords sitcom even if it got on the air.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he...
...seeked out therapy and overcame his fear. Today, he is a sucessful stockbroker, married to his highschool sweetheart and has three lovely children and a dog named moochy.
Now moochy had such a fear of commitment that he...
... peed on everything Danny owned, ate all his ties and often snapped at Danny's children. Poor Moochy. He most likely has a glandular problem.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he took his Snickers bar to the hospital to have its nuts removed.
worships the ground John Kerry waffles on.
was recently featured on the program "Switzerland's Most Wanted."
tried to pass himself off as Kylie's sister...
...such a fear of committment he considers a one night stand -- a long term engagement.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he meticulously cut off all his fingers and toes just so he couldn't wear a wedding ring or sign up for a bowling team.
such a fear of commitment that he won't watch 'Dr Phil' or 'Doctor Who' on tv just in case he gets diagnosed as crazy.
such a fear of commitment he now won't answer his phone in case it's Doogie Howser M.D. asking for his hand in marriage or to play the spare for his nude bowling team.
boom boom boom
Cheers Ken
Last ones for me:
Danny had such a fear of commitment that --
.... he always hung up before voting for his favorite AMERICAN IDOL contestant.
....whenever he took a date to a movie, he'd feel himself up.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he was diagnosed with bulimic anorexia and as such, couldn't eat his own vomit.
...such a fear of commitment he considers a one night stand -- a long term engagement.
...such a fear of commitment, he only dates hookers. When his friend Bill asked him, "How could he pay a woman for sex?"
His response, "I don't pay women for sex. I pay them to go away."
...has such a fear of commitment, if he can remember her name in the morning, he offers her a pre-nup.
...has such a fear of commitment, when he orders an escort, he asks for a bakers dozen.
has such a fear of commitment, his recent pick-up line overheard at a bar was "where do you see this relationship going?"
has such a fear of commitment, he asks all women pressuring him for a second date, if they would mind refilling his Valtrex prescription.
... had his heart transplant reversed.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he -- in a moment of truly inspired panic -- proposed to his divorce lawyer.
... only developed pilots for Mandy Patinkin and Jimmy Smits
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he's been employed for five years but hasn't cashed a paycheck yet.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he made them bury him uncovered in an open casket.
...always signed a prenuptual agreement before espousing an idea.
...slung the noose from a rubber tree.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he broke up with his speed dates before the 8-minute buzzer.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he broke into hives during Fox News' "You Decide 2008."
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he had a closet full of only left shoes.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he introduced AIDS to Sesame Street.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he couldn't decide between Trick or Treat.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he thought Eight wasn't nearly Enough.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he
... he had to be pushed in the egg by the other sperm cells.
... was born with both sexes.
... he refused to ever go to school. He couldn't commit to being 6 years old.
... he went by the name "Hawkeye" in the Korean war.
... only went to democrats rallies,was registered as a republican and when he voted he crossed all the boxes.
... only watched tv shows where there was unresolved sexual tension between the main characters.
... got married but still lives with his parents.
... bought a Prius and a Hummer although he never left the house.
... never drank Coke or Pepsi.
... never kept stock for more than 1 minute.
... died and the coroner declared the cause of dead as inconclusive.
... never let his peanut butter get anywhere near the chocolate.
... moved to Vegas.
... felt dirty wearing virgin wool.
... he came well before his date ever got there.
... is still checking to see if the cows came home yet.
... never has run a tab.
... won't pull his own finger.
... only eats in.
...refused to throw boomerang
that he was born without an umbilical cord.
...slung the noose from a rubber tree.
...before going through the Pearly Gates he asked Saint Peter for references.
...had an "eject" button installed on his love seat.
...would never play tennis because it involved "love".
...he only dated blondes whose carpet didn't match their drapes.
...never found out who shot JR, if Ross got with Rachel, or what was in the hatch.
Danny had such a fear of commitment that he....
bought his girlfriend a huge diamond ring and proposed that she stop calling him.
Danny had such a fear of commitments that he could never watch irish soul bands perform. ever.
...kept watching his wedding video over and over hoping for a different ending.
...thinks Woody Allen has too much backbone.
...lost his job at NASA for counting down, " 10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - uh, can we just think about this for a minute?"
...was nearly strangled to death by Howie Mandel on 'Deal or No Deal."
...cut the name tags out of his sports kit.
400th post!
Post a Comment