Vicky Christina Barcelona/Woody Allen Badwriting

Depending on the movie, I’m a big Woody Allen fan. He was one of my early idols. When my partner and I were writing spec scripts we would often play his stand-up routine album to get revved up. I still think ANNIE HALL is hard to beat as the best romantic comedy ever. At his best he is the best.

It’s just that he hasn’t been his best for a really long time. Year after year he cranks out movies faster than Apple rolls out new iPod models. And like iPods usually it’s the exact same product with a different size or color. Even his best received film of late, MATCH POINT. was just recycled CRIMES & MISDEMEANORS. (I was less enthusiastic about that movie than others. Inspector Clouseau is a better detective than those London buffoons.)

But apparently no one has told the Writers Guild that he is no longer the Woody Allen of BULLETS OVER BROADWAY, HANNAH & HER SISTERS, CRIMES & MISDEMEANORS, and LOVE & DEATH. He is now the Woody Allen of SCOOP, HOLLYWOOD ENDING, and THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION. And yet, year after year Allen is honored for his various screenplays. He recently received his 19th WGA nomination for VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA. Really? Of all the original screenplays that were produced this year that was one of the best five?

I saw VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA. It was nice. My order of preference: Vicky, Barcelona, Christina. Rebecca Hall and Penelope Cruz gave wonderful performances. And Woody wasn’t in it himself so we weren’t asked to believe that Tea Leoni would ever go to bed with him, so that was a big plus. But the screenplay was incredibly lazy.

He just used the narration device to tell the entire story. To the point where it was almost amateurish. The movie opens with Vicky and Christina in a taxi driving through the city. The narrator tells us not only why they’re there, what they’re looking to achieve but also defines their characters. This one is a free spirit. This one is very clenched and engaged to someone whose biggest attribute is that he’s boring. And then we just see examples of what we’ve been told.

That’s good storytelling? Three minutes of bald exposition? How about finding ways to show us who these people are? I know, that’s the hard part, but if you write one screenplay a year instead of four you can achieve it.

And yet he is rewarded. Another “Best Original Screenplay” nomination.

Early in the movie they go away for a weekend. The narrator tells us when they arrived, that they checked into the hotel, went to lunch and what they talked about at lunch. I’m sorry. This is staggeringly bad writing.

The story itself sort of plods along until Penelope’s character arrives. And I’m not sure whether I loved her because of her performance or just the fact that something actually happened.

Part of my disgust is that Woody Allen is capable of so much more. If he pushes himself. The way he did when he had something to prove. But if Allen keeps getting recognition for working at half speed what's his motivation to do better? Don't encourage him! Challenge him!

If you want to nominate VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA for a writing award, fine. But it should be for “Best Short Story Prose” not "Best Screenplay".

No Golden Globes review

Because...

1. I'm doing my radio show on KABC up against it.

2. I can only watch it with the sound off (which I highly recommend, by the way).

3. I'm Tivo'ing 24 and if I watch anything when I get home around midnight it's that.

4. I hated HAPPY-GO-LUCKY and it might win.

5. I'm not nominated.

6. The so-called "Foreign Press" are waiters on visas.

7. Someone other than Rebecca Hall might win for best actress.

8. I've already written my rant on Woody Allen for tomorrow.

9. I don't know if my cable 500 channel cable package includes NBC.

10. I just don't care.

11. They can never top last year's.

Update: For those who do want a hilarious recap, I recommend our own Tallulah Morehead's review. See it tomorrow in the HuffingtonPost.

Bizarre but real headlines

Just how bizarre has the entertainment/pop culture world gotten? I am a contributor to the HuffingtonPost and recently checked out their Entertainment section. This is not the National Enquirer. These are the headlines that mainstream publications are printing.

Ione Skye Marries Singer Beau After Their Guru Gives OK

Lisa Bonet's New Baby: Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa

Tom Cruise: Jett Travolta's Death "Horrific"

MTV Star Was Arrested For Offering To Pay For Oral Sex With Oxycontin

Lindsay Lohan Moans: I Work As Hard As Scarlett Johansson

Travis Barker Takes Shirt Off At Concert, Shows

Crash Scars Lisa Rinna's Filler Regret: "I Look Like A Freak!"

"Lost" Star Wins Custody Of Kid After The Mother Alleges Witchcraft

Michael Jackson Moves To 12-Fireplace Mansion In Bel Air

"Idol"Fantasia Ignores Sheriff's Pleas Over Home Auction

Lisa Marie Presley Defends Travolta Family, Scientology

Anne Hathaway To Obama: Explain Rick Warren

"Dexter" Brother and Sister Now Husband-Wife

Josh Brolin & Jeffrey Wright Arrest Video: Tasers And Pepper Spray

…and finally….

Larry Flynt Sues Nephews For Putting Family Name On "Inferior" Porn

It seems to me these are all the same headline:

The End of the World is Near!

Gwyneth Paltrow's elimination diet

I hope you got Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest newsletter.

She sent it to all her subscribers at GOOP.

You’re going to want this because she shares her post-holiday cleanse, complete with menu and bowel movement advice. I wish I was making this up.

She does her yearly Master Cleanse of course, but that’s not until Spring.

When it comes to expert nutrition, who better than a celebrity who weighs eleven pounds?

The cleanse diet menu, as prepared by an actress who named her kid “Apple” includes chicken, smoothies, and fruit and bans gluten, dairy, processed food, shellfish, condiments, sugar and more.

It’s her seven day “elimination” diet. I swear. This is TRUE!

And finally, she offers this vital advice:

"If your bowel movements get sluggish, you can accelerate things by drinking half a cup of castor oil or using a mild herbal laxative. Bowel elimination is paramount for correct detoxification."

That’s fine if it were her Oscar acceptance speech.

At least I didn't say 'shit'!

Friday questions are back.

Reader DW asks:

In every blooper reel I've ever seen, there always seem to be multiple cases of an actor blowing the same line over and over and over again, always to indulgent laughter from the other castmembers.

I've always wondered: at what point, if ever, does the crew, director, or whoever start thinking "OK, this isn't funny any more, can we please just get the scene and move on"? And is that ever communicated to the actors?

Yes, the first two times are hilarious. By the third it starts getting old, and by the fourth you want to smack the actor.

It also depends on who the actor is. When an actor screws up a line we say he “went up on the line”. Some actors rarely if ever go up. They’re amazing. Tony Randall was one. But when he did he always had a great saver. He’d turn to the studio audience and go, “Well, at least I didn’t say ‘shit’!” It would always get a huge laugh. And he never needed a second saver because he never went up more than once.

So when an actor who's usually perfect goofs that breaks up everybody. But there are those actors who aren’t as prepared and go up ten/fifteen times a show and that’s not funny even for a minute.

It's usually the director who has to gently tell the actor to stop fucking up already!

If an actor starts having trouble remembering his lines it can really kill an audience. The crowd starts holding their collective breath every time he opens his mouth and they stop laughing. They also stop following the story. The suspense isn’t what’s going to happen to the characters, it’s will this idiot say his lines so we don’t have to sit through seven pick-ups of the same damn scene?

By the last year of CHEERS the cast was incredibly sloppy. They wouldn’t START to learn their lines until the morning of the shoot. Needless to say they went up every two minutes. By then they were so beloved that the audience didn’t care. You reach a point in a series where you no longer even have to earn laughs. The characters will open their mouths and the audience will start howling.

But that last year was very unnerving. Shows had to really be cobbled together by the editor. It got so bad that I wouldn’t even attend the shootings of the episodes we wrote.

Interestingly, if you remember the very final scene of the series (it’s after hours and everyone is sitting around smoking cigars and reflecting on their lives) we shot that in one take. Everyone knew their lines and were dead-on. And it was probably a six/seven minute scene. Clearly, they had prepared and were ready to go.

So you might ask, well then why were they so shoddy the rest of the season? I think because they had already done over 200 episodes and there was very little challenge left. Memorizing the script at the last minute was at least something to kick in adrenaline. I just wish they were better at it.

What’s your question?

I'd like to thank...

...The Southern California Sportscasters Association for nominating me for Best Sportstalk host of the year. I'm up against John Ireland and Hacksaw Hamilton (if that means anything to you) but I'm just thrilled Meryl Streep doesn't host Clippers Talk or I'd be dead.

Seriously, it means a lot to be recognized by your peers. So many thanks.

Hey, there IS a book

I have mentioned Ron Jacobs before. Part creative genius/part mad scientist/part visionary with all the parts constantly at war with each other. This is the guy who created AMERICAN TOP 40, and the San Diego Chicken among many other brainchildren. He predicted that digital technology would revolutionize the music industry – 38 years ago. He was the first person to recognize that gawky teenager Cameron Crowe was a major talent.

That said, he also has a dark side. The formerly-Los Angeles now-St. Louis Rams have driven him to madness. It’s understandable, certainly this year.

He was also born, raised, and now has returned to Hawaii. From witnessing first hand the attack of Pearl Harbor to statehood, Elvis, Jack Lord, volcanoes, Bette Midler, and hula hoops he has seen it all. Pineapple juice runs through his veins.

You may not be familiar with him but someone who is is Barack Obama. When “Barry” woke up every morning and got ready for high school he listened to “Whodaguy” Ron Jacobs spin the hits on KKUA. He may even have called once and requested “The Night Chicago Died”, we don’t know.

Other than four years living in Indonesia, Obama grew up on Oahu. The person he was to become was forged on the mean streets of paradise. Not exactly the ideal presidential breeding ground. But Obama was unique and so is his story.

Ron Jacobs has written a book about Obama’s time in Hawaii – OBAMALAND. And since it was written by someone who KNOWS Hawaii, and knows everyone who knows Obama, it’s a far more complete profile than the seven gazillion other books that are out there. Plus, Ron writes in a clear colorful voice.

Did you know Obama was one of only two blacks in a student body of 3500?

Did you know his goal in life was to become Dr. J.? (I hope he’s not too disappointed having to settle for Commander in Chief of the free world.)

Want to see all the places Obama used to hang out? (Much more fun than driving around LA with a map looking for Diana Ross’ old house.)

Want to learn the effect Zippy’s had on his life?

These and a thousand other fascinating facts and stories are included in OBAMALAND along with great never-before-seen photos.

So if you’re interested in walking a mile in President Obama’s flip flops, you can get more info and order here.

If he begins his inauguration speech with “Hey, howzit?” you’ll now know why.

Obama did what potatoes couldn't

Barack Obama could be the answer!

Finally! A reason to visit Hawaii!

For years the Hawaii Tourism Authority has been desperately seeking a way to attract visitors. It’s not like Connecticut where vacationers flock to see their nutmeg. Hawaii is a tough sell.

Two creative directors have been given this near impossible assignment. Practically every day you can see them walking along some pristine beach, the healing tradewinds cooling them in this 85 degree winter weather, wondering why anyone would want to come here.

“If there were only Hawaiian potatoes”, one laments, knowing then they could compete with such destination states as Idaho. In frustration he kicks one of the many coconuts at his feet.

Following a spectacular but distracting sunset they brainstorm late into the night, lit only by the erupting volcano. There’s got to be something! And to make matters worse, the music and gorgeous hula dancers from the luau are so loud they can’t think over their exotic Polynesian dinner.

Famous Hawaiians were discussed and a campaign to visit the homeland of Benny Agbayani was drawn up. Agbayani, a former New York Met, is famous for once forgetting how many outs there were and giving a live ball to a fan in the stands while two runners crossed home. When he returns from a card show in Modesto they will present the idea to him.

Another idea is to fool people planning a driving trip. Re-record the standard, ROUTE 66 with just a slight adjustment to the lyrics. “Don't forget Winona, Flagstaff Arizona, Kingman, Kona, San Bernardino.” This idea is now on hold pending a Nat King Cole impersonator.

They established a film board and for awhile that was looking good. They persuaded the great Steven Spielberg to direct a couple of his movies on the islands, then took out full page ads in major U.S. newspapers saying, “See JURASSIC PARK and the real Hawaii”. That backfired badly when vacationers feared for their lives since dinosaurs inhabited the islands.

But now native son, Barack Obama has become the President of the United States! Tourists will definitely want to see where he grew up. The pizza parlors, the high school gyms – all the places that soon will become synonymous with Hawaii. What’s needed is a book to detail his life on the islands but surely someone will write such a book. (I might even have news of one tomorrow. )

But then comes the bigger question: Once these tourists have journeyed all the way to Hawaii and taken that Obama tour, then what the hell is there for them to do?

Revolutionary Road

Why does Kate Winslet always move out to the suburbs?

In almost every movie I see her in she’s living in a lovely house in Connecticut and is miserable.

First LITTLE CHILDREN and now in REVOLUTIONARY ROAD. Different eras (Rev Road is set in 1955, a good year for the Brooklyn Dodgers but not housewives) and different hubbies but the same despair, ennui, and property taxes exist. There was also ICE STORM, which was the same story but set in 1973. Kate was supposed to be in that one too but chose the other ice storm movie instead – TITANIC.

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD paints 50s suburbia as a bleak, soulless hell with trimmed lawns. Everyone is having affairs with their neighbors; not out of something honorable like lust but out of desperation and boredom (and always in either cars or up against washing machines – don’t these bedroom communities have beds?). This is not how the 50s ‘burbs used to be portrayed. And it got me thinking – Was Ward Cleaver banging Lumpy Rutheford’s mom? Was Harriett Nelson and Thorny doing it in the service porch?

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD is a cold unsettling look at the American Dream. As always Kate gives an Oscar nomination-worthy performance. She’s had five so far. One day she’s got to win. And if not this year, there’s a project in development about a repressed neighborhood in the 80s. Leo DiCaprio was fine as the husband. All these articles rave about the chemistry between them. I didn’t see it. In fact, I was much more aroused when Kate was having her affair. I also thought, wow, there was a lot of legroom in those 55 Buicks.

Another title for the movie could have been APRIL IN PARIS. Kate played April who wanted to chuck the middle-class life and move the family to France. I won’t say any more because if I do I’ll not only spoil this movie but the last six episodes of MAD MEN.

For all the attention Kate & Leo are receiving, it is supporting actor Michael Shannon who absolutely steals the picture. He’s the crazy guy who cuts through all the bullshit. Suburbs always have one assigned crazy guy or pervert. And Shannon's sociopath would make any township proud.

Yes, there are metaphors, imagery, indictments on conformity, women’s role in society, an examination of marriage, incessant smoking and drinking along with obligatory sepia shots and leaves. I just wish I cared more.

I hope Kate wins her Oscar this year. If so, maybe the co-op board will let her buy that unit on Park Avenue. Just think, Katie – no lawns!

My tips for saving the entertainment industry

The entertainment industry has acknowledged that there is a recession. And these are the people who have such a positive spin on everything they’ll tell you they’re satisfied with the results of AUSTRALIA. But the fallout from dwindling DVD sales, the downturn in local TV ad revenue, and fewer German dentists willing to finance projects have put the squeeze on Hollywood’s big studios. And last year they took a multi-billion dollar hit on the WGA strike, but that was their choice.

Studios say they are tightening operating budgets. Restricting travel, expense accounts, using temporary help, taking town cars instead of limos, that sort of hardship. Sony, in a sign of utter desperation, cancelled executive meetings in Latin America in December and Europe in June. And Warner Brothers discontinued giving holiday turkeys to key executives, major stars, and agents. Jesus, it’s like a scene out of Oliver Twist.

So, as a public service to my beloved industry, here are some suggestions to help you out in these dire times.

Green light fewer $200 million blockbusters and instead make more romantic comedies and smaller films. Even your home runs aren’t home runs when you offset them with SPEED RACER. A small successful comedy can you bring you huge rewards for relatively little risk. Make ten ROLE MODELS for every one BANGKOK DANGEROUS.

Eliminate all the middle-tier development people. Both in the feature and television world. Here’s why: They don’t DO ANYTHING. They give notes. They clog up the system. They homogenize things. For the most part they’re obstructionists. Proven screenwriters and showrunners don’t need some 2006 graduate of Sarah Lawrence telling them how to fix their projects.

In television: eliminate the “Pod Companies”. These are former executives who now have cushy producing deals with studios. Again, just another layer of interference. Since they still have to hire writers to create and execute ideas why not just eliminate the middle men? A few years ago I helped out on a pilot and between the studio, network, pod company, star’s management team, and standards & practices there were literally 25 people giving notes. How many executives do you need to say “raise the stakes” and “we don’t like her enough”?

Stop paying the Jim Carreys of the world $20 million a picture. Comedy stars in particular wear out their welcome long before studios stop giving them giant paydays. I have just four words: Eddie Murphy, Michael Myers? Develop new stars. Especially on television. Breakout shows generally feature breakout stars. I have just one word: FRIENDS.

Make better movies. 2005 was a horrible boxoffice year and we weren’t in a recession then. But you gave us BEWITCHED.

There are other subjects for motion pictures besides Superheroes. The only one left is the Teeny Little Super Guy.

Force theater chains to stop showing ads before the movies. They drive people away. Does the revenue from these annoying commercials offset the loss in admission tickets? Theater chains make their money on $6.95 buckets of popcorn that cost them three cents to make. Let Mountain Dew peddle their crap elsewhere.

Television networks – concentrate on ratings again and not just putting on your own shows because you own them. Yes, advertising money is shrinking, but not for hit shows.

Run fewer commercials. Charge more for them. But a sponsor’s ad would no longer be buried among ten in a single spot break. People might actually not fast forward through commercials if there was only one or two at a time. And it means more program content time so better audience retention.

People need entertainment, especially during hard times. It’s not like you’re in the mortgage broker business. Your audience is out there. Improve your business models and go get them. It’s something to think about on your private jet to Sundance.

"Right this way, your VIPness."

I catch shows like TWO AND A HALF MEN and there are at least fifty penis jokes, usually before the act break. I have to shake my head when I think about my battles with CBS Standards & Practices. Times have certainly changed.

On MASH it was routine that we’d get a memo from S&P saying “cut the casual profanity in half”. Whether we had four “hells” or “damns” or eight, we’d get the same directive. So of course we’d start padding our scripts with double the casual profanity in order to keep the ones we needed.

One time we had Radar showing a visiting General to the VIP tent. Radar’s line in the script was: “Right this way, your VIPness.” They caught it.

Damn damn them to hell hell!!

When we did that ill-fated train wreck show for Mary Tyler Moore we wanted her say “ying yang” in a speech. S&P flagged it. We couldn’t say “ying yang”. “Why not?” I asked, “It’s the Asian symbol for opposites.” According to our assigned 65 year old S&P spinster, “ying yang” was a slang expression for penis. I told her I was unaware of that and we weren’t using it in that context. Plus, Mary Tyler Moore was saying it. She didn’t know what a penis was.

Ms. S&P insisted it was on the list. “What list?” I asked. Well, it seemed that CBS had a whole list of unacceptable words for penis. And since I didn’t know that, I asked her to read me the list.

So picture the Church Lady having to recite “dick, cock, pud, schmuck, petzel, pecker, schlong, sword, Johnson, wang, German helmet, wanker, hose, Mr. Happy, dork,” and about fifty others. When she finished it occurred to me that there must be a list for vagina as well. And breasts. And intercourse. And oral sex. For the next half hour over the speaker phone she regaled me and my hysterical writing staff with every sexual euphemism there was.

It was only after I had gotten home that night that I realized that “VIPness” wasn’t on her list.

But getting Mary to say it proved to be an even bigger problem.

Larry Gelbart is alive and still hilarious

In the blog alt.obituaries recently it claimed that the Mozart of comedy writers, Larry Gelbart had suffered a major stroke and was hovering near death. The article went on to say big stars such as Alan Alda and Woody Allen had called the hospital desperate for information.

Happy to report this is all bullshit. Larry Gelbart is alive and well.

He learned of this rumor like everybody else – from the internet. "I got a Google alert: 'This is to inform you that you're apparently no longer with us.' "

Larry emailed the site to say, "Does that mean I can stop exercising?"

A typical screenwriter, Larry was annoyed that he didn’t even get top billing for his own obit. "I was disappointed”, he said, “to see it takes some kind of star power to sell an obit. I didn't seem to be enough by myself."

Apparently this isn’t the first time his demise has been greatly exaggerated. Gelbart says that a couple of years ago a similarly unfounded report of his passing made it onto the radio. "I don't know how any of this gets reported. I guess there's life after life after death."

May Larry Gelbart live long enough that when he finally does go it’s reported via technology that hasn't even been invented today.

Note to Dick Clark

The Friday questions will return next week. I have some year beginning thoughts and figure I better serve them while they’re hot.Time-Warner and Viacom settled. Thank God, I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t watch all my favorite shows on the N network.

Note to Dick Clark: We love you buddy but never go on television again. The first year was courageous. Now it’s just beyond sad. I found myself relieved when they cut away from you to go to Kellie Pickler. Honestly. You’ve had a great career. And I wish you many many more happy years. But please, not on TV.

That said, I’d still rather watch Dick Clark than Carson Daly.

Just three more weeks before America has a leader again. How’d you like to be the agent trying to get George Bush speaking engagements?

Note to GM CEO: The next time you need a bailout instead of flying your private jet to Washington to ask for my money, fly to Tampa and get it from the New York Yankees.

Good to see Stephanie Edwards back co-hosting the Rose Parade with snake oil salesman, Bob Eubanks. When one of your greatest talents is parade hosting you better land the gigs when you can.

Former NBA star now commentator Charles Barkley was busted for DUI Wednesday morning in Phoenix. He ran a stop sign. His excuse to the cops: He was in a hurry to get a blowjob. Barkley was taken into custody so I guess you could say he didn’t get off… twice.

January is traditionally the dumping ground for bad new movies. Does that mean that PAUL BLART: MALL COP might not be the classic we expect?

Thanks to PC Magazine for naming this one of their favorite blogs. PC’s are one of my favorite computers.

The New Year’s Day NHL game at Wrigley Field was disappointing. What’s the point of playing hockey if it’s not in a blizzard? And too bad Harry Caray isn’t still alive to lead the crowd in “Oh Canada!”

How does Brent Musburger, the worst football announcer EVER, get to broadcast the Rose Bowl? My favorite call: A USC Trojan returned a kickoff to the eleven yard line. Or, as Brent called it: "He's shy of the twenty." He's shy of midfield too. Musburger also made enough baseball references to qualify as the worst baseball announcer as well.

Best TV marathon: Looney Tunes all day on the Cartoon Network. Even better than the WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU marathon on the N network.

Worst looking bowl: Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl in Boise. Football fields are green not blue! I feel bad for anybody just getting their new flat screens trying to adjust the color.

And now come the NFL playoffs. Finally, some football this week that means something.

May 2009 be for YOU...

...what 2008 was for Barack Obama, the Philadelphia Phillies, Mad Men, Batman, Ironman, the Boston Celtics, Tina Fey, David Cook, Michael Phelps, Amy Winehouse (when not hospitalized), the iTunes store, the LSU Tigers, Tiger Woods, Kerry Wood, the Slumdog Millionaire, C.C. Sabathia, The Big Bang Theory, Kanye West, Kansas Jayhawks hoops, Oprah, Patricia Cornwell, No Country For Old Men, GreatBigRadio.com, Clint Eastwood, the Mentalist, Kirsten Haglund (Miss America), the Detroit Red Wings, Wall-E, Hulu, House, Daniel Day-Lewis, The Amazing Race, Rafael Nadal, Bryan Cranston, Cole Hamels, the Coen Brothers, the Shield, Vince Gil, Twilight, Tilda Swinton, Rachel Maddow, Paul Rudd, the Hills, Richbroradio.com, Mama Mia, Dr. Drew, 007, Zeljko Ivanek, Diablo Cody, Albert Pujols, the New York Giants, Bill Self, Herbie Hancock, Ratatouille, Evan Longoria, Eva Longoria, Maxwell Smart, Jean Smart, Stephen Colbert, Guitar Hero, Alicia Keyes, Malcolm Gladwell, NCIS, Hellboy, Glenn Close, the Prius, Marion Cotillard, Project Runway, Dustin Pedroia, Alec Baldwin, the Daily Show, President John Adams, Greg Yaitanes, quite possibly Al Franken, Matthew Weiner, Juno, Simon Cowell, David Gregory, Democracy, and me for having readers like you.

Have a great year everyone!

LA may lose 20 channels tonight

I never thought this day would come. But it has. I’m siding with my cable company on a dispute with a supplier.

Time-Warner cable and Viacom are playing a game of chicken with SpongeBob SquarePants hanging in the balance.

After midnight tonight in Southern California Viacom may pull all twenty of its channels, which include MTV (Oh no! Not the HILLS!), VH-1, Comedy Central (that means Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert folks), Spike, TV Land, and BET.

Viacom is demanding more subscriber fees to offset their poor advertising revenue. 136 year old Sumner Redstone has hefty divorce lawyer fees and Depends are not getting any cheaper. Time-Warner is trying to hold the line on increasing subscribers’ fees. Especially now with this pesky Depression thing going on.

Viacom claims it’s only a twenty-five cent increase per month or $3.00 a year. But Time-Warner counters that if all the Media Giant groups do the same customers will be paying an additional $30 a year. Time-Warner also contends that Viacom provides these channels on the internet for free. So someone could hook up their PC to their TV and SpongeBob SquarePants is back. T-W doesn’t even get exclusivity.

Viacom pulled the same strong-arm tactic five years ago with satellite broadcaster EchoStar Communications.

No one wins if Viacom pulls its programs. Subscribers feel cheated. And the Viacom channels are struggling in the ratings anyway. It’s not like there aren’t other networks and shows and Netflix to fill the void. Besides, what’s the point of providing programming if you deny people from seeing it?

Hopefully this can be resolved. But if not, to paraphrase a rather famous slogan, “Keep your fucking MTV”.

The End of the holiday season

Wow, this holiday season went by fast. Tomorrow is New Year's Day with all the traditional great sporting events -- outdoor NHL hockey at Wrigley Field, and the Don Larson perfect game on the debuting MLB.TV network. Sunshine is predicted for Pasadena's Rose Parade & Bowl so more snowed-in people will pack up and move to Southern California. Only difference is this year those people will be from Seattle.

Drive carefully tonight.

And I leave you with my favorite picture of the holiday season.

Paul Rudd

Okay, I’ll admit it. I have not been a huge Paul Rudd fan. I didn’t dislike him, just didn’t get what all the shouting was about. He always seemed like this generation’s Steve Guttenberg – nice looking, sorta funny but sorta boring.

But now that he’s one of the Judd Apatow players and every comedy made today is either by Judd Apatow or tries to be by Judd Apatow, I’ve seen Rudd a lot more lately. I warmed to him in KNOCKED UP, thought he was hilarious as John Lennon in WALK HARD, but was really impressed with his work in ROLE MODELS.

ROLE MODELS was the funniest movie I saw this year (sorry LOVE GURU fans). Paul Rudd is also credited as one of the writers (along with fifty other people and probably another thirty uncredited), but his comic performance is what really stood out for me.

And here’s the thing – he had the least showy part.

Jane Lynch (pictured right) steals the movie (as she does every movie), and Bobb’e J. Thompson, the little African-American kid who plays the little African-American kid is a riot. Seann William Scott has one act but does it well. Christopher Mintz-Plasse playing a young “me” was pitch-perfect, and Elizabeth Banks can do no wrong ever in my book. But it was Rudd who made the movie work.

Why?

Because he REACTED.

His reactions to the world around him not only allowed everyone else to shine but also grounded the movie. And while he aced that he also managed to play a disgruntled unlikable character in such a way that you not only liked him, you loved him. Hey, that’s comic acting! A lot harder to do than just to mug so big an IMAX screen can’t contain you and yell “Smo-kinnnnn’!!!”

So for his timing, generosity, and whatever he contributed to the screenplay, Paul Rudd has officially won me over. Not that he knows who I am or gives a shit. But I’m sure he thinks it’s better that anyone elevates him above Steve Guttenberg.

This year in this blog

It's fun to sit back and reflect and gently prompt readers to hit the archives once in awhile.

The year started off with me surveying other writers on how they overcome writers block.

The WGA strike was in full-force. I was an outspoken supporter and posted frequent updates.

I again reviewed AMERICAN IDOL and as always enjoyed the earlier competition more. The Swinging 70s were great fodder.

Another blog tradition: I reviewed the Oscars.

March meant spring training and as the host of Dodger Talk on KABC I ventured east to Florida with my son, Matt. A travelogue followed.

The Spring Movies were previewed. How many did you actually see?

In April there was a Komedy Kontest.

My May post on stage mothers elicited an angry comment from Diana DiGaramo's mother, which touched off a very heated debate.

Thanks to friend of the blog, Great Big Radio I was able to post the ALMOST PERFECT pilot.

The summer began by going to Disneyland.

From time to time you got excerpts from my memoir, growing up in the 60s.

The big hit movie of the summer was Batman: The Dark Knight.

September brought the Emmy Awards inexplicably starring Reality Show hosts.

The Presidential Debates occupied October and I shared tips on how to win them.

I finally got around to watching and reviewing THE HILLS.

In November I held another Sitcom Room weekend seminar.

A watchdog website reclassified my blog as pornography.

And this month I turned to Montgomery Burns to explain NBC's decision to put Jay Leno in primetime.

Thanks again to YOU for reading this blog this year.

We have a winner!

Congratulations to Elaine and derchaci, which won the second Daffy Definition Kontest. Elaine, please email me so I can send you your coveted prize. Congrats also to the other finalists: James, Simon H. Mike Bell, and Kirk Jusko. And thanks to YOU for participating. Great new stuff next year if I can come up with it.

Ohmygod, is that a parking space???

The best week of the year in Los Angeles is always this one, the final seven days of the year.

The town is practically empty. Most people from the industry are gone, terrorizing the help in Hawaii and Aspen. There’s very little traffic. You can actually make the fifteen minute drive between Brentwood and LAX on the 405 Freeway in only forty minutes. It’s like you’re flying! Hard to get into restaurants? Not this week. Spago will even make reservations for people they don’t know. And at 7:00 not 10:30. (Unfortunately, their chefs are probably in Aspen and Hawaii.)

Los Angeles is so deserted I heard of a friend who found a parking place at the Grove shopping mall. But that’s still just a rumor.

And for industry guild folks there are free movies. In the hopes of snaring nominations from any organization that gives out awards (even the WGA), studios let eligible voters and guests attend contending movies gratis. Forget MARLEY & ME on Christmas. I get to see THE READER for free!!

Most of the city’s attention this week is on the upcoming Rose Parade and Bowl. If you have six friends over to your apartment to play poker, the Rose Queen and her court will come and speak to your group.

The Rose Bowl traditionally pits the champion of the Pac 10 with the champion of the Big 10. It’s always a big deal, “the Granddaddy of Bowl Games”. And this year the "Granddaddy of Coaches", 100 year old Joe Paterno brings his Penn State Nittnay Lions out to face perennial USC, who wins every year so who gives a shit? I bet I get maybe two calls about the game on my 790 KABC show Sunday night.

Every year fans from the Big 10 representative flood into Southern California. They’re easy to spot. They’re always the nicest people you’ve ever met and they’re always wearing school shirts and hats. I’m beginning to think they come to LA for a week with only that one outfit. Since Nittnay Lions are blue and white those are Penn State's colors.

Highlight of the Rose Bowl festivities is the Lawry’s Beef Bowl. Lawry’s is the greatest prime rib restaurant in the world (a more popular attraction to Japanese tourists than Disneyland). Every year they invite each team and feed them as much prime rib as they can eat. Usually the winning team tops out at around 630 pounds of beef. During the Rose Bowl, you’ll notice half the players sleeping the bench. That’s why.

The New Year's Eve tradition is to watch Dick Clark and experience the year change in tape delay. Unless you have satellite. Then you can watch the East Coast feed in which case you're in 2009 for three hours while the rest of us are still in 2008. This year I think they're calling it Ryan Seacrest Allows Dick Clark to still make an appearance on New Years Rockin' Eve.

The Rose Parade is Thursday morning. Today some idiots will start staking out spots along the parade route. Every local channel will broadcast the parade. KTLA gets a 50 share, everyone else gets a 2. Why these other stations still bother is beyond me. KTLA coverage begins at like 3:00 a.m. Five hours of watching people paste flowers on floats and the idiots from today freezing. KTLA will begin replaying the parade immediately upon its conclusion. Then they replay it again. And again. Sometime around January 15th they return to regular programming.

Bob Eubanks has been hosting the parade since the floats were powered by horses. And this year Stephanie Edwards returns! Stephanie is a popular local personality who was mostly known for being the carnie for Lucky Markets. She was replaced in the booth by local KTLA morning news anchor, Michaela Pereira. This caused quite a stir. Most people felt that Michaela was horrible and resented her in that Deborah Norville way for squeezing out our beloved Stephanie. (Fans would show their support for Steph by shopping at Lucky but Lucky no longer exists.) But now sanity returns and Stephanie is back. Stephanie Edwards and Obama, two very good signs for 2009.

Then on New Year’s evening all the locals will go out to dinner, have to wait 45 minutes for a table since the Penn State rooters got there first, and things will return to normal.

So for my fellow Angelinos – enjoy it while you can!