The Oscar nominations

Congratulations to everyone nominated for an Oscar this year.

Here’s how bad I am at predicting Oscar winners. I thought DREAMGIRLS was going to win Best Picture and it wasn’t even nominated.

Diana Ross must’ve been on the nominating committee.

Fantasia is on suicide watch today with Jennifer Hudson being nominated.

Kudos to Will Smith who only does movies he can get nominated in. If Eddie Murphy wins, expect to see Will in DREAMGIRLS 2.

If Eddie Murphy does win don’t expect a repeat with NORBIT.

The “it’s great to be nominated” category this year is Best Actor. Between Leonardo DiCaprio, Peter O’Toole, Will Smith, and Forest Whitaker there must be 20 Oscar losses between them, 15 just for O’Toole.

Speaking of perennial losers – Is this finally the year for Martin Scorsese to win Best Director? He’s the perfect winner too because he’s the only guy who can thank 47 people in under ten seconds.

Mel Gibson may claim APOCALYPTO was denied because of all the Jews in the Academy but he got a Best Make-Up nomination so shut up.

Because of DREAMGIRLS there is real music this year in the music categories. No one in a Lakers jersey will be accepting an Oscar.

BORAT was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. By adaptation they mean it was written after they filmed the movie.

Let’s hope there’s never a sequel to UNITED 93.

The ratings for the Oscarcast usually depend on the number of recognizable stars who got nominated. Expect a big rating this year as fans root for their favorite among Djimon Hounsou, Adriana Barraza, Jackie Erle Haley, and Rinko Kikuchi.

I’m not saying they’re not deserving of nominations, I’m just saying remember the days when you could pronounce the nominees?

It used to be to ensure an acting nomination you had to play someone who was physically challenged. Now it’s someone who snorts coke.

Don Cheadle must see all the nominations for BABEL and say, “Hey, what about HOTEL RWANDA? How come we didn’t get all those nominations last year?”

Greg Kinnear must be saying, "Forrest Whittaker and not me???"

Most money wasted on ads for a movie that went nowhere: BOBBY

As everyone is saying, the big surprise was that DREAMGIRLS, with 8 nominations, was not nominated for Best Picture. There always are a few of these oversights, but none more than this year. Here are more very deserving movies and talent were overlooked.

Best Picture:

BUDDHA WILD: MONK IN A HUT
HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS
JET LI’S: FEARLESS
DA VINCI CODE

Best Actress:

Jordana Brewster in ANNAPOLIS (at 5’ 104 pounds she played a tough Navel Drill Instructor. Think Louis Gossett Jr. in OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN with perky breasts.)
Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT 2 (best performance from the waist down)
Judi Dench for narrating DOOGAL (is there nothing that woman can’t do?)
Shawnee Smith in SAW 3
Kristin Davis in SHAGGY DOG
Nicole Kidman in FUR (there must still be the backlash from divorcing America’s darling, Tom Cruise)

Best Supporting Actress:

Bitch as “Herself” in SHORTBUS
Cloris Leachman as “Great Gam Gam” in BEERFEST. (I felt sure she’d add to her many Oscars with this one.)

Best Actor:

Will Arnett in LET’S GO TO PRISON
Ray Rivas as “Shabbos Goy” in SHORTBUS

Best Supporting Actor:

Chip Zien as “first guy killed” in UNITED 93. (He laid dead in the aisle the entire movie and never once broke character. That’s concentration!)
Michael Deak as “the monster” in ABOMINABLE. (The tag line should have been Michael Deak WAS Abominable!)

Best original screenplay:
BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2

Best director:
Barry Sonnenfeld for RV

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As always, I will have my bitchy review of the Oscarcast immediately following the ceremony on February 25th. To get you in the mood, here’s last year’s Oscar review. How many of these winners do you even remember?