Sunday, February 04, 2007

Superbowl XLIXXXCIIXXCLX

I love Superbowls in the rain. Missed PAT’s, back-to-back fumbles twice, wet cheerleaders, and rich people paying five grand for tickets getting soaked.

On HD the long shots through wet lens still looked smeared but the smear was much sharper.

Levine’s law: the team that runs back the opening kickoff for a touchdown loses.

Of the 34,563,563,984,001 people that watched last year’s Superbowl I bet only 2,000,000 can name the two teams. And half of those only remember because they lost money. Pittsburgh and I think…Seattle. Seattle, right? Yeah. Seattle.

Now that the game is over our sports sections can finally focus on fishing!

Ten thousand tedious hours of pre-game coverage and analysis and NOBODY predicted the Colts defense would be the key.

I bet Sunday was the one night of the year you could get into Joe’s Stone Crabs without a two hour wait.

More fun than the game was the Media Day on Wednesday. Here are some of the great questions the players were asked:

To Colts tight end Ben Utect: “Since you play for the Colts, are you going to win one for Barbano?”

To Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher: “What exercises do you do to get such a tight butt and such big biceps?”

To Bears linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo: “Do you think it’s okay for a man to give another man a massage?”

Since when did Sam Rubin become a sports journalist???

I still can’t forgive the Colts for fleeing Baltimore in the dead of night.

Only one player was under house arrest – Tank Johnson of the Bears. And all he did was illegally keep a semiautomatic rifle, a loaded .45-caliber handgun, four other guns, one ammunition stash of 550 rounds, three arrests in 18 months, then violated probation. But he was given a one game suspension so there you go.

I’d love to see the post game commercial – “ (blank), you’ve just won the Superbowl, now what?” Player: “I’m going to PRISON!!”

The CBS pre-game show featured James Brown (the other one who isn’t buried), Dan Marino, Boomer Esison, Shannon Sharpe, and Katie Couric. Brown tried to give Katie some street cred by pointing out her athletic background – she once was a cheerleader. Will we see her next Sunday on the Grammy’s giving out the best hip hop CD?

Explain to me the point of Cirque de Soleil? Fellini meets the Orange Bowl halftime show.

I don’t care how many Grammy’s Billy Joel has won, the huge woman in the big bird dress who auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL was better.

And then the anachronism now known as Prince – When the Foo Fighters recorded “The Best Of You” there’s a reason they didn’t have you sing the lead and back it with a marching band. And Robert Goulet wants his turquoise suit back.

Speaking of Bob Goulet, good job in that Emeralds nuts spot. Now if only anyone under forty knew who he was.

CBS charged $85,000 a second for Superbowl commercial time. I wanted to call and order a three second spot.

Tickets to one of the suites went for over $200,000. But Cheese Doodles were included.

I loved that both head coaches were African-American.

In the “Boy named Sue” department – you HAD to play football in school if your name was Lovie Smith.

Jim Nance did a fine job announcing the game. You couldn’t ask for anyone better other than Dick Enberg, Al Michaels, Joe Buck, Charlie Jones, Vin Scully, or Keith Jackson.

God, I feel old. I remember when THE A-TEAM premiered after a Superbowl.

Those Coke commercials were fabulous. Great animation, inventive, and I guess they didn’t get the memo because their spots had no talking animals, pratfalls, stupid slackers, lame jokes, and old people riding motorcycles,

I’m only sorry the Flomax commercial didn’t follow the Budweiser commercial.

I wish it were raining so hard that when Tony Dungy got drenched with the Gatorade bucket he wouldn’t realize it.

I’m sure Peyton Manning’s first reaction when the gun sounded was not elation but relief.

Come this time next year if anyone should ask – the Indianapolis Cols and I think… the Chicago Bears.

26 comments :

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm under 40 and know who Bob Goulet is. When I was growing up in Southern California, my barber was his cousin.

I also hear his voice about once a month when I watch Toy Story 2 with my kids.

Diane said...

I actually thought Prince did a good job performing at half time . . . Jim Nantz is my least favorite play by play guy, golf announcer, and all around annoying tv personality . . . I thought Marino wanted to punch Esiason (a common feeling) when Esiason stated that Manning might be one of the all time greats . . . and I enjoyed Goulet!

Anonymous said...

"I’m only sorry the Flomax commercial didn’t follow the Budweiser commercial."

ha! The very definition of dry humor.

Anonymous said...

Waaahh!!! I'm a Bears fan. I'm not surprised that they lost though. The way the announcers called it, I thought the game was decided by the first quarter. Only later, when the Colts actually took control of the game did what they were saying make sense.
It really took away the suspense.

On mute, Prince was trippy.

I'm 24. Robert Goulet was the guy on that Simpsons episode with the Casino.

Missy Vixen said...

Afr-American

Ken,

Please, for the love of all that is holy, please don't ever use that term again. Either African-American or black (preferably the latter) will do fine. My people beg of you.

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Ken,

Good observations... It was nice to see that the people who paid $5000 for seats got soaked twice....

Wonder if the officials held a wet Zebra shirt contest after the game...

Also wonder if the Las Vegas bookmakers were taking bets on who would get lucky with Katie Couric Sunday night...

Turned off the halftime show because I can't stand Prince and am not interested in being entertained by some amorphous being who I'm not sure is fully human... So I switched over to FOX and caught a few minutes of "X-Men"....

As for the commercials, loved the one where the two rodents are trying to figure out how to use a mouse... On the other hand, I've now got the sneaking suspicion that my phone's been tapped by the SPCA...

With regard to the game being an historic occasion for an achievement by an African-American coach, I'm amazed that Senator Barak Obama can be a full-time senator and presidential candidate during the week, and still coach the Colts to the NFL Championship on weekends (OK, so he and Tony Dungy DO look a little alike -- give Obama a coach's cap and moustache and think about it -- if anyone thinks the remark has racial overtones, if the Bears had won I wouldn't have written it)...

And finally -- I really miss Mike Ditka's pitches for Levitra that premiered, interestingly enough, the year of the Janet Jackson incident..... After all, if you're talking about an event that triggers what probably is the pinnacle of male testosterone production more than anything else during the course of the year, what better way to take advantage of it than to make any guy with feelings of inadequacy feel even worse....

Jack Ruttan said...

Your disdain for the Cirque du Soleil must mean that you do not dance with the sun and moon, and don't have a little child in your heart. Zut!

Anonymous said...

i loved it!

Mark
My Photocommunity

Anonymous said...

My boss wasn't too happy about the weather...a missed field goal cost his kids $500 in the office pool.

Stephen Green said...

With Phil Simms in the booth, you focus on Nantz? Simms speaks as though English is his second language. He's got pronoun-antecedent agreement problems, he tosses prepositions out as though he pulled them out of a hat, and every year he works as a national broadcaster his accent seems to get stronger. I thought I was listening to a cracker Borat.

Ryan said...

"On mute, Prince was trippy."

Exactly. I kept wondering what those two women convulsing around him had to do with football.

Anonymous said...

"I still can’t forgive the Colts for fleeing Baltimore in the dead of night."
This is the only reason our Superbowl party was cheering for the Bears. I hate the Bears.

Anonymous said...

I was impressed by Prince's performance only because his personal cheerleaders were shorter than he was.

When the billowing white sheet went up you got to see why Prince changed guitars -- in silhouette, Prince has a giant barbed penis!
http://cuppacafe.com/images/blogimages//image3/princesuperbowl.jpg
(Safe for Work)

While it takes a bit of imagination to get "Wardrobe Malfunction" out of that image, now that I have seen it, it's going to take serious therapy for me to quit laughing about it...

Anonymous said...

Let me preface by saying, I was in a sports bar and wasn't subjected to the audio portions...but:

It's seemed like the ONLY decent commercial was not even a true commerical, but a promo-The David Letterman Oprah Winfrey promo was great.

Mike Barer said...

Yes I know Cleveland got a new edition of the Browns. Noone new it at the time.
I had a helluva time getting over the Rams leaving LA.

Anonymous said...

Hell, Mike, but Baltimore stole the Browns twice. 1954 St. Louis Browns became the Baltimore Orioles, and as you referenced, Baltimore stole the Cleveland Browns.

Anonymous said...

Ken,


I've also noted the abundance of times that the team to run the opening kick back or launch a sustained drive for a TD generally loses. And I've got witnesses!

Anonymous said...

"And the, um..Bears" Exactly. And who was in the World Series just three months ago? Anybody? "um,uh...." yeah.

Murph said...

The St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Detroit Tigers in the 2006 World Series.

Anonymous said...

How do most of us really know if Marlee Matlin screwed up he National Anthem or not? I would ask a deaf football fan, but they can’t hear me and I can’t sign.

CBS was so impressed by Prince’s half-time performance; they offered him a cameo on ‘Two and a Half Men’ he’ll play the half man.

Anonymous said...

Everyone in Seattle remembers last year's Superbowl, just because we go at least 30 years between sports championships. (Or even attempted sports championships..)

VP81955 said...

Walt said...
I was impressed by Prince's performance only because his personal cheerleaders were shorter than he was.


In other words, Kristin Chenoweth has been cloned?

Mike Barer said...

Benson, I think the big irony is that John Elway would not play for the Indianapolis Colts because they were so bad. Peyton took them to the Superbowl. Meanwhile Peytons brother Eli force San Diego to trade him because the Charger were so bad and now it looks like the Chargers are a couple of players away from the Superbowl.

Anonymous said...

So why don't they use the Superbowl to launch or promote a series any more?

Remember the year they did "Sledgehammer"?

Did it not work? Not cost-effective?

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, Sledgehammer.

Is American football about sport? Everyone seems obsessed with the ads and the viewing figures.

Anonymous said...

I'm 25. Goulet did those ESPN College Basketball Spots when ESPN was hip and not crappy under Disney's thumb.