Wednesday, February 07, 2007

IF...


I see where a judge might allow the Phil Spector murder trial to be televised. He certainly has the perfect look for TV. Considering OJ tried to peddle a book on how he would have committed those murders IF he had done them, maybe he could start a trend. Beginning with Spector and filling the remainder tables, here are a few more IF books:

IF I SHOT SOME GIRL WHO HAPPENED TO BE IN MY HOUSE by Phil Spector, he guesses he would've used the loaded gun he always kept handy on his person, instead of how it really happened with her taking it out of his pocket and shooting herself.

IF I WANTED TO KIDNAP AND KILL THAT NO GOOD BITCH WHO STOLE MY BOYFRIEND by Lisa Nowak detailing all normal items needed to pull off such a plot -- black wig, dark glasses, trench coat, folding knife, steel mallet, pellet gun, 4 feet of rubber tubing, garbage bags, latex gloves, and of course (the kidnapper's best friend) an adult diaper.

IF I BET ON BASEBALL by Pete Rose, speculating how on July 8,1977 IF he bet he might've put $20 on Cincinnati over Pittsburgh and double down his winning yesterday on the San Francisco-Atlanta game, going with the Giants.

IF I DIDN'T PAY MY TAXES by Richard Hatch who imagines it wouldn't be worth the effort unless he could withhold oh...say a million dollars.

And to fill out your library:

IF I DIDN'T PAY MY TAXES by Wesley Snipes (six yearly volumes)

IF I HAD AN EATING DISORDER by Nicole Richie,

IF I SLEPT WITH MY PARTNERS' BOYFRIENDS AND HALF THE ACTS AT MOTOWN by Diana Ross

IF I WANTED TO SLIP A DANGEROUS WEAPON INTO MY LUGGAGE AT JOHN WAYNE AIRPORT by Snoop Dogg

IF I WAS GOING TO RECRUIT ILLEGALLY by Jim Harrick

IF I WAS GOING TO TAKE MONEY UNDER THE TABLE WHILE IN COLLEGE by Reggie Bush (foreward by Eric Dickerson)

IF I GOT OUT OF NATIONAL GUARD DUTY by George W. Bush

IF I WANTED TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF MY SORRY EXCUSE FOR A HUSBAND by Liza Minelli

IF THE PINTO HAD A FAULTY DESIGN by Henry Ford

IF I WAS GOING TO CALL THAT F****T, T.R.KNIGHT THAT 'WORD' - by Isaiah Washington

24 comments:

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

IF I INJECTED MY FACE WITH SOME SORT OF MELTING AGENT by Teri Hatcher

IF I HATED ALL COMEDY WRITERS by Aaron Sorkin

IF I USED REHAB LIKE OTHER PEOPLE USE Q-TIPS by Lindsay Lohan

IF I GOT FUCKED IN THE BUTT FOR COKE by Paris Hilton

Anonymous said...

wow. can't really follow that act.

Dwacon said...

If Ken adopted me and then sold me to a band of motorcycle riding amazon blondes for their personal use.

Anonymous said...

I can imagine the whole as a publishing series with tv rights attached, series editor Judith Regan, entitled:

"And? What IF I did?"

Will Teullive said...

I LIKE MY POLITICS AND POLITICIANS CLEAN by Senator Joe Biden

Tom said...

IF I WERE IN THE PROCESS OF TURNING INTO MY HOLOCAUST-DENYING DAD by Mel Gibson

IF I WERE THE LAST CLOSETED LESBIAN IN HOLLYWOOD by Jodie Foster

IF ID HAD... GOOD LORD, WHERE DO I START? by Michael Jackson

Jameson said...

IF I SPELLED 'FOREWORD' THE BOOK PART LIKE 'FORWARD' THE DIRECTION DESPITE REFERRING TO MYSELF AS A 'WRITER' by Ken Levine

Hee! We kid! Keep up the good work...

zazupitts said...

IF I HAD ANGER ISSUES - Ryan O'Neil

IF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT AND I WERE WELL ACQUAINTED - Howard Stern

IF I WANTED TO BE THE NEXT JOHN BELUSHI - Chris Farley

IF GLOBAL WARMING WAS REAL - George W. Stupidhead

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm from Britain -- pehaps someone could clear this up for me.

As far as I can see, this Isaiah Washington person has not only been castigated and forced to volunteer to receive counselling (!) for saying that he DID NOT call someone a rude name.

Not for actually calling him a rude name (as far as I can gather his original denial has never been challenged), but for saying he didn't.

How on earth does that work? How can he be punished for saying he didn't do something?

Now, the agreement to accept his original denial does sound like a polite fiction to me, and I could understand if the accusation was that he actually had called the other guy a rude name. But that's not, as it appears to us over here at least, what he's being tarred and feathered for.

So: What is going on?

(Oh, and apology to Mr Levine for littering his very entertaining site with this comment related tangentially at best to the topic at hand, but I really don't get this whole palaver and would love someone to explain it to me).

Tom Quigley said...

IF I HAD NOT UNDERSTOOD WHAT ALL THIS GREY'S ANATOMY HUBBUB WAS ABOUT by Some Reader in Britain

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

Anonymous Brit:

Isaiah Washington did call TR Knight a faggot. What he didn't do was tell the truth about it.

Everyone heard it and TR confirmed it (the original incident happened on set...not the one with Washington grabbing the mic at the Golden Globes and screaming it out). Not to mention that the idea of "counseling" is absolutely ridiculous. Or the way that Washington is using it, that is.

He's definitely a bit of a scumbag.

hollywood blond said...

I hope people don't channel their anger into nasty labels, but we're all human, it happens, and it's divisive. Don't do it.

That said, I wonder if the average writers room is pretty R-rated and generally rowdy.

It sounds like things can get pretty strained. I bet the unfortunate words cunt, faggot, n* are used more often than shouting, "you stupid worthless creep!"

It's been much PR for the show, no?

benson said...

Since the topic has come up today...from yesterday's QT column in the Chicago Sun-Times:

No snickering
News Item: Snickers pulls Super Bowl TV ad, in which two burly auto mechanics accidentally kiss while eating the same Snickers and then, in a panic, rip off their chest hair in an effort to do something "manly," because rights groups complained it was "homophobic."

Fair warning in this day and age: It is now considered homophobic to make a joke about homophobes.

(the comment is the columnist's)

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

Hollywood Blond:

That said, I wonder if the average writers room is pretty R-rated and generally rowdy.

Actually, writer's rooms are closer to X rated. But this didn't take place in a writer's room. This wasn't a bunch of people joking around--God knows, I call my co-director every name in the book (in jest, of course). He said it during a fight. And then he said it again in front of the world. And then he lied about it. Again and again and again.

Besides, he's just generally difficult, confrontational, and weird. Anyone who's ever worked with him doesn't really have the nicest things to say about him.

Some people are scumbags. He's one of them.

Anonymous said...

Great shot of Spector. Really disturbing. It looks like either a tumbleweed sucked itself onto his head or his brains were frozen in mid explosion.

That's going to stick with me for awhile.

dotter said...

IF I DIDN'T LOOK LIKE SIDESHOW BOB, by Phil Spector

IF I HAD HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH THAT INTERN by Bill Clinton (just to be fair ;-) )

IF WE HAD ACTUALLY LANDED ON THE MOON by freaks in general

Rashad Khan said...

[b]IF I HAD CHOPPED DOWN THAT CHERRY TREE[/b], by George Washington

[b]IF I HAD BEEN MY BROTHER'S KEEPER[/b], by Cain

Anonymous said...

To Tenspped Brownshoe:

The writer's room is X rated. And most writers are generally confrontational, difficult, weird and a bit of a cumbag.

Mike Barer said...

Maybe we Jews should all take to the streets to rally around Phil Spector, get the trial moved to Fairfax and pack the jury with fellow Jews, to see if we can get a "not guilty" verdict.

Herb Popsfarter said...

If I Wanted To Throw Tim Russert Under A Bus
-By Lewis Libby

Mike Barer said...

Ïf I were a Crook by Richard Nixon
If I was a reactionary idiot by Ted Nugent
If I associated with Gangsters by Frank Sinatra
If I was a Hypocrite By Ted Haggard
If I were a rich man by Bill Gates

rashad khan said...

"If I Were a Rich Man by Bill Gates"

Actually, I think Tevye has already written that book.

(Sorry, couldn't resist! ;) )

David said...

IF I WAS A CHEATER by Barry Bonds

IF I WAS AN ASPIRANT MILLI-VANILLI by Ashley Simpson

IF I TREATED MY BABIES LIKE CABBAGE PATCH DOLLS by Britney Spears

Mike Barer said...

Rashad, that was the point.
Don't forget Tanya Harding's If I did want to take out Nancy Kerrigan and of course Rafael Palmeiro, If I did give false testimony.