Thursday, February 01, 2007

Daytime television

Hello from New York. Flying Jet Blue gave me a chance to sample 36 channels of daytime television. If you’re like me and rarely watch daytime TV (preferring instead to have a life) here’s what you’re missing.

Commercial breaks on every channel are ten minutes. And they’re all for arthritis medication, urinary leak prevention, cholesterol reducers. Every spot warns of 72 potentially fatal side effects and ends with happy old people riding motorcycles.

Only exception: BBCA. They had lawn mower commercials.

ESPN “Classic’ showed iron man truck pulls. Before ESPN bought that channel they showed great Ali fights and the 1960 World Series.

On the six other ESPN channels there was endless discussion about the upcoming Superbowl. They were interviewing everybody in Miami, including the one Cincinnati Bengal who isn’t under arrest.

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS keeps keeping on. Eric Braeden never ages. He must have a portrait of himself somewhere in an attic where he looks like Bob Barker.

And speaking of Bob, it’s time. Walk your dogs, nap in the afternoon, ride a motorcycle.

The Hallmark Channel plays MATLOCK all day long. Comedy Central repeats THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT but not enough.

The anchors on THE WEATHER CHANNEL are soooo perky! They all have terminal Mary Hart disease. They could not sound happier telling us about the ice storm in Virginia, the delays at O’Hare, and the golf ball sized hale in Georgia. Wooooo!! Yeah!!!!! Hale!!!! Alllll-right!!!!

It’s impossible to watch A&E without that damn SOPRANOS promo in the corner of the screen for ten out of every fifteen minutes. WE KNOW!!!

CSI: MIAMI is on A&E. It’s 100 degrees, 100% humidity, punishing blinding sun and David Caruso strolls around all in black. At the beginning of every show he surveys the crime scene, is thoroughly disgusted, vows to stop at nothing in solving this travesty then lets his crew do all the work. At the end he swoops back in, is satisfied… but not satisfied enough. Cut to Jerry Bruckheimer’s credit.

A&E also showed my favorite repeat episode of 24. It’s the one where Jack is declared legally dead at the top of the show and by the end is beating the shit out of three guys in a parking lot. But he winces once so you know he’s not 100%.

At THE FOOD CHANNEL they’re whipping up meatloafs, soufflés, and fondues and each dish requires seventeen pans, six bowls, thirty-four kitchen utensils, and $1,000 in raw ingredients. But after watching for fifteen minutes, when the stewardess came around with Mini Wheat Thins I almost dove for the bag.

There were some fun great construction disasters over on THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Every time I came across the FOX NEWS CHANNEL – click!

TV LAND had GUNSMOKE. It’s always fun to see known actors when they were 20. Loretta Swit before she went all Michael Jackson.

COACH is still on. Who knew?

Watching THE NEWLYWED GAME on the GSN confirms that the 70’s were the single worst decade for fashion. Ohmygod! What were we thinkin’? The wide lapels, bellbottoms, leisure suits, pastel colors all accessorizing our cheesy moustaches and Mr. Kotter hairstyles – we were truly idiots. And as I watched, I couldn’t help thinking – when are they going to bury James Brown already?

BRAVO seemed to have Kathy Griffin’s stand up act on a continuous loop. Visual turbulence.

FOX NEWS again. Click!

There must be ten auto insurance companies I never heard of before today.

And as if all the Medicare, trade college, and ambulance chaser commercials weren’t enough to send me into a major depression and hammer home the subliminal message that I’m a LOSER, I must have seen four sitcoms from the 90’s all written and produced by talented writers who today can’t get work.

“Stewardess, here's my last five dollars. I’ll have a gin & tonic!”

22 comments :

The Curmudgeon said...

Perhaps you could explore why Jet Blue thinks putting daytime TV on a plane would be something it's customers would like.

Me, I'd rather have snakes....

Anonymous said...

"Loretta Swit before she went all Michael Jackson."

Please tell you were referring to her surgical facial enhancements, and not that she's inviting small boys over to ride her llama and spank her monkey.

Anonymous said...

Ken, your are in for a CSI: Miami treat if you hustle your way over to YouTube for the finest montage of David Caruso one-liners...

[putting on sunglasses]

...ever collected.

Here's the link.

Anonymous said...

YouTube for the finest montage of David Caruso one-liners...

LOL. I hate to admit that CSI:Miami and Caruso have kind of grown on me. I admit it's not great art but what the hell. I watch it anyway.

The one I can't watch is CSI:NY and I liked the actors in that one ahead of time. No chemistry, no personality...it feels like watching clothes dry. :)

Ger Apeldoorn said...

Thanks, poor man.

It looks like... we haven't seen the last of that.

Anonymous said...

Ken, on your way back try the chocolate chip biscotti. Jet Blue has the best complimentary snacks in the airline business, and I found that the biscotti is delicious (that is, if they still have it as it's been a year and a half since I last flew with them)! Tastes very much like the chocolate chip cookies they sell at the Lafayette Bakery in Greenwich Village (which are also terrific)!

Trust me on this...

Rays profile said...

I sympathize - I was laid off in November and while sucking up the severance pay, discovered that daytime TV can sap the life out of you - and that's with many more channels than Jet Blue gives you. You didn't even run into the remains of Megan Mullaly's talk show.

Anonymous said...

Why is it you "click" past FOX NEWS...is it that you find it right-leaning, slanted, agenda-driven?

If so, why not mention any other cable news outlet that you "clicked" past for being slanted in the opposite direction? Are there any, in your view?

If you "clicked" past FOX for any other reason, please "click" past this post.

By the way, why is Burghoff given special mention in the opening credits of the MASH episode in which Margaret is accused of being a communist - was he even in the episode?

Anonymous said...

When a hurricane threatens our fair slice of Florida (which happens, you know, every 30 seconds during the summer) I like to click on Weather Channel and scat doomsday lyrics Mel Torme-style to the maniacally happy generic jazz tunes they play over "YOUR LOCAL FORECAST."

A sample: "Boopadoopadoop... BLEEE... you'regonnadie, you'regonnadie, you'regonnadie... toodlyWEEwahwah."

At one point, I considered forming a combo and calling it Scategory 4. We'd only play gigs if there was a chance of flying debris.

Anonymous said...

You got me cackling and coughing like an old lady at this line, Ken:

"Jack is declared legally dead at the top of the show and by the end is beating the shit out of three guys in a parking lot."

And that's an hour later in real time, right? I try to like that show but the intensity level puts me to sleep.

VP81955 said...

Why is it you "click" past FOX NEWS...is it that you find it right-leaning, slanted, agenda-driven?

Naw -- I'm guessing it was probably because E.D. Hill wasn't on.

Anonymous said...

Bob Barker as Dorian Gray made me laugh out loud. Thanks, Ken.
On the plus side, News Radio is back on A&E daybreaks. That should give you back some will to live while flying.

Diane said...

Oddly enough, an endless loop of Kathy Griffin was also playing when I travelled on Jet Blue last June. So, I watched the Dog Whisperer marathon on the NGC and discovered what an inept dog owner I truly am

Anonymous said...

I always have to laugh at the folks who are so threatened by Fox News. Yet they're perfectly OK with CBS News and the New York Times. Liberals always claim how tolerant they are, but they're completely intolerant of viewpoints that differ from their own.

Anonymous said...

I always have to laugh at the folks who are so threatened by Fox News. Yet they're perfectly OK with CBS News and the New York Times. Liberals always claim how tolerant they are, but they're completely intolerant of viewpoints that differ from their own.

good grief. Ken didn't say that Fox News was a piece of shit that no one should watch. He didn't say that they have the combined brain power on that station of an ant. Nor did he say he couldn't tolerate the stupidity that flows out of their broadcasts. He just said he clicked past it. How in the hell does that make him intolerant? Maybe he wasn't up for the news at that time?

Robin

Anonymous said...

He just said he clicked past it. How in the hell does that make him intolerant? Maybe he wasn't up for the news at that time?

Nope. It meant he doesn't like Fox News and whatever the reason is his reason.

Anonymous said...

And I can side with him on that because I've been looking for an "I Hate Hannity" t-shirt. Smug sumbitch he is. ;)

Anonymous said...

hail

OhioRuthie said...

Kathy Griffin rocks! She has a unique comedy style.. and off stage she has a heart of gold.

Anonymous said...

I like to think that her truly unique claim to fame is appearing as "herself" in Pulp Fiction..

Anonymous said...

In-flight hootch for just $5.00? Ken, you must be using your considerable charm and wit to impress the lady stews!

howie said...

The worst thing about ESPN Classic has to be "classic poker".

Back when it was Classic Sports Network they also used to replay old episodes of "This Week in Pro Football". Before ESPN existed and everyone saw every highlight within minutes, that show and Cosell's halftime highlights were the main way most of us saw the out of town plays.