Daytime television

Hello from New York. Flying Jet Blue gave me a chance to sample 36 channels of daytime television. If you’re like me and rarely watch daytime TV (preferring instead to have a life) here’s what you’re missing.

Commercial breaks on every channel are ten minutes. And they’re all for arthritis medication, urinary leak prevention, cholesterol reducers. Every spot warns of 72 potentially fatal side effects and ends with happy old people riding motorcycles.

Only exception: BBCA. They had lawn mower commercials.

ESPN “Classic’ showed iron man truck pulls. Before ESPN bought that channel they showed great Ali fights and the 1960 World Series.

On the six other ESPN channels there was endless discussion about the upcoming Superbowl. They were interviewing everybody in Miami, including the one Cincinnati Bengal who isn’t under arrest.

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS keeps keeping on. Eric Braeden never ages. He must have a portrait of himself somewhere in an attic where he looks like Bob Barker.

And speaking of Bob, it’s time. Walk your dogs, nap in the afternoon, ride a motorcycle.

The Hallmark Channel plays MATLOCK all day long. Comedy Central repeats THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT but not enough.

The anchors on THE WEATHER CHANNEL are soooo perky! They all have terminal Mary Hart disease. They could not sound happier telling us about the ice storm in Virginia, the delays at O’Hare, and the golf ball sized hale in Georgia. Wooooo!! Yeah!!!!! Hale!!!! Alllll-right!!!!

It’s impossible to watch A&E without that damn SOPRANOS promo in the corner of the screen for ten out of every fifteen minutes. WE KNOW!!!

CSI: MIAMI is on A&E. It’s 100 degrees, 100% humidity, punishing blinding sun and David Caruso strolls around all in black. At the beginning of every show he surveys the crime scene, is thoroughly disgusted, vows to stop at nothing in solving this travesty then lets his crew do all the work. At the end he swoops back in, is satisfied… but not satisfied enough. Cut to Jerry Bruckheimer’s credit.

A&E also showed my favorite repeat episode of 24. It’s the one where Jack is declared legally dead at the top of the show and by the end is beating the shit out of three guys in a parking lot. But he winces once so you know he’s not 100%.

At THE FOOD CHANNEL they’re whipping up meatloafs, soufflés, and fondues and each dish requires seventeen pans, six bowls, thirty-four kitchen utensils, and $1,000 in raw ingredients. But after watching for fifteen minutes, when the stewardess came around with Mini Wheat Thins I almost dove for the bag.

There were some fun great construction disasters over on THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Every time I came across the FOX NEWS CHANNEL – click!

TV LAND had GUNSMOKE. It’s always fun to see known actors when they were 20. Loretta Swit before she went all Michael Jackson.

COACH is still on. Who knew?

Watching THE NEWLYWED GAME on the GSN confirms that the 70’s were the single worst decade for fashion. Ohmygod! What were we thinkin’? The wide lapels, bellbottoms, leisure suits, pastel colors all accessorizing our cheesy moustaches and Mr. Kotter hairstyles – we were truly idiots. And as I watched, I couldn’t help thinking – when are they going to bury James Brown already?

BRAVO seemed to have Kathy Griffin’s stand up act on a continuous loop. Visual turbulence.

FOX NEWS again. Click!

There must be ten auto insurance companies I never heard of before today.

And as if all the Medicare, trade college, and ambulance chaser commercials weren’t enough to send me into a major depression and hammer home the subliminal message that I’m a LOSER, I must have seen four sitcoms from the 90’s all written and produced by talented writers who today can’t get work.

“Stewardess, here's my last five dollars. I’ll have a gin & tonic!”